The Reluctant Father

by Diana Palmer

  Watching him, Meredith was surprised by the admission. She’d always considered him experienced. If he wasn’t, it would explain so much.

  Suddenly, she understood his fierce pride a little better. She went closer to him, reaching out to lightly touch his sleeve. He jerked a little, as if that impersonal contact went through him like fire.

  “It’s all right, Blake,” she said hesitantly.

  He looked down at the slender hand that rested lightly on his sleeve. “I’m like a bull in a china shop,” he said unexpectedly, looking into her eyes. “With women.”

  She felt a surge of emotion at that rough admission. He’d never been more approachable than he was right now. Part of her was wary of him, but another part wanted once, just once, to give in without a fight.

  She went up on her tiptoes and pulled his head down to hers. He stiffened and she stopped dead.

  “No!” he whispered huskily when she started to draw back in embarrassment. “Go ahead. Do what you want to.”

  She couldn’t believe that he really wanted her to kiss him, but he was giving every indication that he did. She didn’t know a lot about it, either, since all she’d ever done with men was kissing.

  She drew her lips lightly over Blake’s hard ones, teasing them gently. Her breath shook at his mouth while she held his head within reach, but she didn’t relent. Her fingers slid into the thick, cool hair at the nape of his strong neck and her nails slid against his skin while her mouth toyed softly with his.

  “I can’t take much of that,” he whispered roughly. His hands held her hips now, an intimacy that she should have protested, but she was too weak. “Do it properly.”

  “Not yet,” she whispered. Her teeth closed softly on his lower lip, tugging at it sensuously. She felt him tremble as her tongue traced his upper lip.

  “Meredith,” he bit off, and his hands hurt her for an instant.

  “All right.” She knew what he wanted, what he needed. She opened her mouth on his and slid her tongue inside it, and the reaction she got from him was electrifying.

  He cried out. His arms swallowed her, bruising her against his hard chest. He was trembling. Meredith felt the soft tremors with exquisite awareness, with pride that she could arouse him that easily after a beauty like Nina.

  “Blake,” she whispered under his mouth, and closed her eyes as she gave him the weight of her body, the warmth of her mouth.

  She felt him move. Her back was suddenly against the wall and he was easing down over her body.

  Her eyes flew open and his head lifted fractionally, and all the while his body overwhelmed hers, his hips lying heavy and hard against hers, pressing against her.

  She could feel the full strength of his arousal now, and it should have frightened her, but it didn’t. He was slow and gentle, not impatient at all as his hands slid to her hips, holding her.

  “This should really frighten the hell out of you, shouldn’t it?” he asked huskily, searching her eyes. “You can feel what I want, and I’m not quite in control right now.”

  “You aren’t hurting me,” she whispered. “And I started it this time.”

  “So you did.” He moved down, letting his mouth repeat the soft, arousing movements hers had made earlier. “Like that, Meredith?” he whispered at her lips. “Is that how you like it?”

  “Yes,” she whispered back, excitement making her voice husky. Her hands were against his shirt and she could feel the heat from his body under the fabric.

  “I want to open my shirt and let you touch me,” he whispered roughly. “But that might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, and there’s a long, comfortable sofa just a few feet inside the door.”

  The thought was more than tempting. She could already feel his skin against hers, his body overwhelming hers. She wanted him, and there wasn’t really any reason to say no. Except that her pride couldn’t take the knowledge that he wanted only her body and nothing else about her.

  “I can’t sleep with you,” she said miserably. She let her head rest against him, drowning in the feel of his body over hers. “Blake, you have to stop,” she groaned. “I’m going crazy…!”

  “So am I.” He pushed himself away from her, breathing roughly. His darkened green eyes looked down into hers. “You wanted me,” he said, as if he were only just realizing it.

  She flushed and looked up at his hard face. “I don’t understand what you want from me.”

  “Sarah needs a woman’s companionship,” he said tersely.

  “That isn’t why you made love to me,” she returned, searching his eyes.

  He sighed deeply. “No, it isn’t.” He walked to the edge of the porch and leaned against one of the white columns, looking out over the wide expanse of flat land. The only trees were right around the house, where they’d been planted. Beyond was open land, dotted with a few willows at the creek and a few straggly bushes, but mostly flat and barren all the way to the horizon.

  “Why, Blake?” she asked. She had to know what he was after.

  “Do you know what an obsession is, Meredith?” he asked a minute later.

  “Yes, I think so.”

  “Well, that’s what I feel for you.” He shifted so that he could see her. “Obsessed,” he repeated, letting his green eyes slide over her sensually. “I don’t know why. You aren’t beautiful. You aren’t even voluptuous. But you arouse me as no other woman ever has or ever will. I couldn’t even feel for Nina what I feel for you.” He laughed coldly. “After she left me, there wasn’t anyone else. I couldn’t. I don’t want anyone but you.”

  She didn’t know if she was still breathing. The admission knocked the wind out of her, took the strength from her legs. She looked at him helplessly.

  “You haven’t…seen me in five years,” she said, trying to rationalize.

  “I’ve seen you every night,” he ground out. “Every time I closed my eyes. My God, don’t you remember what I did to you that day in the stable? I stripped you….” He closed his eyes, oblivious to her scarlet face and trembling body. “I looked at you and touched you and put my mouth on you.” He bit back a curse and opened his eyes again, tormented. “I see you in my bed every damned night of my life,” he breathed. “I want you to the point of madness.”

  She caught the railing and held on tight. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It wasn’t possible for a man to feel that kind of desire, she told herself. Not when he didn’t feel anything emotional for the woman. But Blake was different. As Elissa said, he’d never been loved, so he didn’t know what it was. But all men felt desire. A man didn’t have to love to want.

  “Don’t worry—” he laughed mockingly “—I’m not going to force you into anything. I just wanted you to know how I felt. If that sensuous little kiss was some sort of game, you’d better know how dangerous it is. I’m not sane when I touch you. I wouldn’t hurt you deliberately for the world, but I want you like hell.”

  Her swollen lips parted. “I wasn’t playing,” she said with quiet pride. “It was no game. You…” She hesitated. “You seemed so disturbed because you’d been rough. I wanted to show you that you hadn’t made me afraid.”

  He watched her unblinkingly. “You weren’t, were you?” he said then, scowling. “Not even when I brought you close and let you feel what you were doing to me.”

  She shifted. “You shouldn’t have,” she murmured evasively.

  “Why hide it?” he asked. He moved toward her, encouraged by her response and her lack of bitterness. He was taking a hell of a chance by being honest with her, but it might be his only way of reaching her. “You might as well know it all.”

  She lifted her face as he stood over her. “Know what?”

  “Nina was my first woman,” he said bluntly. “And the only woman.”

  She wanted to sit down, but there was no chair. She leaned against the banister, her eyes searching his hard face. He wasn’t kidding. He meant it.

  “That’s right,” he said, nodding when he saw the
memories replaying in her eyes. “The day we were in the stable together, I was as inexperienced as you were. That’s why I was rough. It wasn’t deliberate. I didn’t know how to make love.”

  Her lips opened on a slow breath. “No wonder…” she whispered.

  “Yes, no wonder.” He brushed a strand of loosened hair from her pale cheek. “Why don’t you laugh? Nina did.”

  She could feel the hurt under that mocking statement. What it must have done to his pride! “Nina was a—” She bit back the word.

  He laughed coldly. “She certainly was,” he agreed. “She taunted me with it toward the end,” he added, his eyes bitter and cynical. “I didn’t want to risk that kind of ridicule again, so there weren’t any more women.”

  “Oh, Blake,” she whispered, closing her eyes on a wave of pain. “Blake, I’m so sorry!”

  “I don’t want pity. I wanted you to know the truth. If you’re ever tempted to give in to me, you’re entitled to know what you’d be up against. My God,” he said heavily, moving away, “I don’t even know the basics. Books and movies don’t make up for experience. And Nina wasn’t interested in tutoring me.”

  “I wish I’d known,” she said huskily. “I wish I’d known five years ago.”

  He looked back at her, his thick eyebrows raised. “Why?”

  “I wouldn’t have fought you,” she said simply. “I thought you were terribly experienced.” She lowered her eyes. “I’m sorry. I guess I hurt your ego as much as you frightened me.”

  He studied her in a tense silence. “You don’t have a thing to apologize for. I’m the one who’s sorry.” He waited until she lifted her head, and he caught her eyes and held them. “You haven’t wanted anyone, in all this time?”

  “I wanted you,” she said frankly. “I…couldn’t feel that for anyone else. I’d rather have been frightened by you than pleasured by the greatest lover living.” She laughed coldly. “So I guess I’m in the same boat that you are.” She clutched her purse. “I really do have to go,” she said after a long, quiet moment during which he stared at her without saying anything at all.

  He escorted her down the porch steps. “All right. I’ll walk you to the woods and watch you through them. Sarah Jane will be all right until I get back, and the house is in full view the whole way.”

  “Sarah is very much like you,” she said.

  “Too much like me,” he replied. His fingers brushed hers as they walked, accidentally or deliberately she didn’t know, making her all too aware of him. “She almost got trampled the other day, climbing into the corral to retrieve a handkerchief.”

  “She told me. I suppose you were livid.”

  “Mild word,” he said. “I blew up. Scared her. I found her hiding in the closet, and I felt like a dog. I went to town the next day and bought her half a toy store to make up for yelling at her.” He sighed. “She scared me blind. I kept thinking what could have happened if my reflexes had been just a bit slower.”

  “But they weren’t.” She smiled. “You were always quick in an emergency.”

  He looked down at her and his fingers lazily entangled themselves in hers. “Luckily for you,” he murmured darkly, watching her flush. “I haven’t had an easy life,” he said then. “I had to be tough to survive. They weren’t good days before I came here to live with my uncle. I got in a lot of fights because of my illegitimacy.”

  “I never heard you talk about that,” she said.

  “I never could.” His fingers tightened in hers as they got to the small wooded area and stopped. “I can’t talk about a lot of things, Meredith. Maybe that’s why I’m so damned alone.”

  She glanced toward Bess’s house. Bess and Bobby must have come home, because their car was in the driveway next to hers. She hesitated, not eager to leave Blake in this oddly talkative mood. “You’ve got Sarah now,” she reminded him gently.

  “Sarah is getting to me,” he confessed ruefully. “God, I don’t know what I’d do if I could sit down in a chair without crushing a stuffed toy, or go to bed without running monsters out of closets.” He smiled mockingly. “It cut me to pieces when she started crying after I raged at her about getting in with the horse.”

  “She doesn’t seem that sensitive at first glance, but she is,” she replied. “I noticed it that first day, at the children’s shop, and again when she played with Danielle. I gather she was neglected a lot before they sent her to you.”

  “I got the same feeling. She had a nightmare just after she came here,” he recalled quietly. “She woke up in the early hours, screaming her head off, and when I asked what was the matter, she said they wouldn’t let her out of the closet.” His face hardened, and for an instant he looked relentless. “I’ve still got half a mind to send my lawyers after that housekeeper.”

  “A woman that cruel will make her own hell,” Meredith said. “Mean people don’t get away with anything, Blake. It may seem that they do, but in the end their meanness ricochets back at them.”

  “The way mine did at me?” he asked with a mirthless laugh. “I scarred you and pushed you out of my life, married Nina, and settled down to what I thought would be wedded bliss. And look where it got me.”

  “You’ve got everything,” she corrected. “Money, power, position, a sweet little girl.”

  “I’ve got nothing except Sarah,” he said shortly. His green eyes glittered in the faint light. “I thought I needed money and power to make people accept me. But I’m no more socially acceptable now than I was when I was poor and illegitimate. I’ve just got more money.”

  “Acceptance doesn’t have anything to do with money.” She stared down at the big, warm hand clasping hers. “You’re not the world’s most sociable man. You keep to yourself and you don’t smile very much. You intimidate people.” She smiled gently, her eyes almost loving despite her reluctance to give herself away. “That’s why you don’t get a lot of social invitations. This isn’t the Dark Ages. People don’t hold the circumstances of their birth against each other anymore. It’s a much more open society than it was.”

  “It stinks,” he returned coldly. “Women propositioning men, kids neglected and abused and cast off….”

  “They don’t burn witches anymore, though,” she whispered conspiratorially, going up on tiptoe. “And the stocks have been eliminated, too.”

  His face cracked into a reluctant smile. “Okay. You’ve got a point.”

  “Who propositioned you?” she added.

  He cocked his head a little to study her. “A woman at the workshop in Dallas I just came back from. I didn’t believe she meant it until she put her room key in an ashtray beside my coffee cup.”

  “What did you do?” she asked, because she had to know.

  He smiled faintly. “Took it out and handed it back.” He touched her cheek gently, running a lean finger down it. “I told you on the porch. I don’t want anyone but you.”

  She lowered her eyes to his chest. “I can’t, Blake.”

  “I’m not asking you to.” He let go of the hand he was holding. “I’m archaic in my notions, in case it’s escaped your notice. I don’t seduce virgins.”

  Her body tingled at the thought of making love with Blake. It was exciting and surprising to know how much he wanted her. But her own conscience wasn’t going to let her give in, and he knew that, too.

  “I guess you’d rather I got my autographing over and left town…” she began.

  He tilted her chin up so he could see her face. “Sarah and I are going on a picnic Saturday. You can come.”

  The suddenness of the invitation made her blink. “Saturday?”

  “We’ll pick you up at nine. You can wear jeans. I’m going to.”

  Her eyes lifted to his. “Blake…”

  “I like having things out in the open, so there aren’t any more misunderstandings,” he said simply. “I want you. You want me. But that’s as far as it goes, and there won’t be any more of what happened on my porch tonight. I’ll keep my hands off and we’ll g
ive Sarah a good time. Sarah likes you,” he added quietly. “I think you like her, too. She could use a few good memories before you go back to the life you left in San Antonio.”

  So he was going to freeze her out. He wanted her, but he wasn’t going to do anything about it. He wanted her for Sarah, not for himself, despite his hunger for her.

  She hesitated. “Is it wise letting her get used to me?” she asked, her voice echoing the disappointment she felt.

  His hand on her chin became faintly caressing. “Why not?” he asked.

  “It will be another upset for her when I leave,” she said.

  His thumb moved over her lips, brushing them, caressing them. “How long are you going to stay?”

  “Until the first of the month,” she said. “I do the autographing a week from Saturday.”

  His hand fell just in time to keep her from throwing herself against him and begging him to kiss her. “Then you can spend some time with Sarah and me until you leave. I won’t force you into any corners and we can help Sarah find her feet.”

  Her eyes searched his night-shadowed face. “Why do you want me around?”

  “God knows,” he muttered. “But I do.”

  She sighed audibly, fighting her need to be near him.

  “Don’t brood,” he said. He didn’t smile, but there was something new about the way he was looking at her. “Just take things one day at a time and stop analyzing everything I say.”

  “Was I doing that? Okay, I’ll try.” She wished there were more light. She managed a smile. “Good night, Blake.”

  “Go on. I’ll watch you.”

  She left him standing there and went running down to the house, her heart blazing with new hope.

  If there was any chance for her to have Blake, she’d take it willingly, no matter what the risk. She now understood the reasons for his actions. And if she went slowly and didn’t ask for the impossible, he might even come to love her one day. She went to sleep on that thought, and her dreams were so vivid that she woke up blushing.

  Chapter 6