The Reluctant Father

by Diana Palmer

  She sobbed silently and suddenly turned and slipped from the room, hurrying up the staircase.

  “Your pride is going to destroy our marriage,” Meredith raged at Blake. “You just can’t stand the idea of letting me work, or giving me any freedom at all. You want me to stay home and look after Sarah and have babies—”

  “Writers don’t have babies,” he said curtly. “It’s too demeaning and limiting.”

  She felt her face go pale. “I never said that, Blake,” she said. “I haven’t done anything to prevent a baby.” She lowered her eyes to the carpet and hoped the glitter of her tears wouldn’t show. “I just can’t…can’t seem to get pregnant.”

  His breath sighed out roughly. He hadn’t meant to say such a cruel thing. It was cruel, too, judging by the look on her face. She seemed to really want a child, and that warmed him.

  He moved forward a little, his hand going out to touch her hair. “I didn’t mean that,” he said awkwardly.

  She looked up. There were tears in her eyes. “Blake,” she whispered achingly, and lifted her arms.

  He cursed his own vulnerability even as he reached for her, lifting her hard against him, holding her close. “Don’t cry, little one,” he said against her ear as she sobbed out the frustration and loneliness and fear of the past few weeks against his broad shoulder.

  “There’s something…something wrong with me,” she wailed.

  “No, there isn’t.” He nuzzled his cheek against hers. “Unless you count a husband with an overdose of pride. You’re right. It was just feeling second best, that’s all. You can’t stay home all the time.”

  “I promised I’d go on tour,” she said huskily. “I didn’t want to. But then, when I kept not getting pregnant, I hated having so much time to sit and worry about it.” Her arms tightened around his neck. “I wanted to give you a son….”

  His arms contracted. He’d never considered that as a reason for her wandering. He’d never dreamed she wanted a child so much.

  “We’ve been married only a few weeks,” he whispered at her ear. “And the past several, I’ve been sleeping in another room.” He smiled faintly in spite of himself. “It takes a man and a woman to make babies. You can’t do it by yourself.”

  She laughed softly, and he felt warm all over at the sound, because she hadn’t laughed in a long time.

  “If you want to get pregnant, Mrs. Donavan, you’ll have to have a little help.”

  She drew in a breath and looked into his soft green eyes. “Could you do that for me?” she whispered playfully. “I mean, I know it would be a sacrifice and all, but I’d be sooo grateful.”

  He laughed, too. The joy came back into his life again. She was beautiful, he thought, studying her face. And he cared so damned much. His eyes darkened and the smile faded. Cared. No. It was more. Far more than that. He… loved.

  “Kiss me,” he said, bending to her soft mouth. “It’s been so long, honey. So long!”

  His mouth covered hers hungrily, and she felt her body melting into him, aching for his touch, for the crush of his mouth on her soft lips. She moaned, and his kiss became suddenly ardent and demanding.

  “Merry?” Mrs. Jackson called suddenly from the hall.

  Blake and Meredith broke apart with breathless reluctance, but there was a strange note in Amie’s usually calm voice.

  Meredith moved to the closed door and opened it. “Amie, what is it?” she asked, wondering at the closed door, because it had been open when Sarah was in the room with them—”Where’s Sarah!” Meredith asked suddenly.

  Blake felt himself pale when he remembered the argument. Sarah Jane had heard.

  Amie grimaced. “I don’t know where she is. I can’t find her,” she said. “She isn’t in her room. And it’s raining outside.”

  It was thundering, too. And it was almost dark. Meredith and Blake didn’t waste time on words. They rushed down the hall and out the back door, forgoing rain gear in their haste to find the child they’d unknowingly sent running out into the stormy night.

  Chapter 11

  Blake wanted to throw things. He searched the stable, every nook and cranny of it, and every one of the outbuildings, with Meredith quiet and worried beside him. The rain was coming down heavier now, and the last bit of light had left the sky, except for the occasional lightning.

  “Where can she be?” Meredith groaned as they stood in the doorway of the barn and looked out into the night.

  “I don’t know,” Blake said heavily. “God, I could kick myself!”

  She slid her hand into his big one and held on tight. “I’m every bit as responsible as you are, Blake,” she said gently. “I was being stubborn and proud, too.” She went close to him, nuzzling her cheek against his broad chest. “I’m sorry for all of it. I never looked at things from your point of view.”

  “That goes double for me.” He bent and kissed her forehead. “I wish we’d remembered that Sarah was in the room. She’s had nightmares about arguments her mother and stepfather used to have. Violence upsets her. Any kind of violence. When I yelled at her about getting in the corral with the horse she—” He stopped dead, remembering. He straightened. “No,” he said to himself. “No, she couldn’t be. That would be too easy, wouldn’t it?”

  “What would?” Meredith asked as she tried to follow his train of thought.

  “Come on!”

  He ran toward the house, tugging her along behind him. They were both soaked. Meredith’s blouse was plastered to her skin, and her hair hung in wet tangles over her face. Blake didn’t look much better. His tan shirt was so wet that she could see right through it to the thick tangle of black hair on his chest.

  “Did you find her?” Amie asked worriedly from the sink, where she was washing dishes.

  “I’m almost sure I have,” Blake said. He dragged Meredith with him and shot up the staircase.

  He opened the door to Sarah’s room, went straight to the closet and, with a silent prayer, opened it.

  And there was Sarah Jane, sobbing silently in the very far corner of the closet floor, under all her pretty things.

  “You…hate each other,” Sarah sobbed, “just like my mommy and Daddy Brad. I’ll have to go away…!” she wailed.

  Blake eased into the closet and caught her up in his arms. He held her and hugged her and walked the floor with her while she cried. His shirt was soaked, but Sarah didn’t seem to mind. She held on with all her might.

  “I love you, baby girl,” he whispered in her ear. “You’ll never have to go away.”

  “But you fought!” Sarah said.

  “Not the bad kind of fighting,” Meredith said, smoothing the child’s soft hair as she rested against Blake’s wet shoulder. She smiled. “Sarah Jane, how would you like to have a brother or sister?”

  Sarah stopped crying and her eyes widened. “A real live baby brother or sister?”

  “A real live one,” Meredith assured her. She looked up into Blake’s soft, quiet eyes. “Because we’re going to have one, aren’t we, Blake?”

  “Just as soon as we can,” he agreed huskily, his eyes full of warmth and faint hunger.

  “Oh, that would be so nice.” Sarah sighed. “I could help you, Merry. We could make clothes for her. I can sew. I can make anything.”

  “Yes, darling,” Meredith said with an indulgent smile.

  “And Meredith isn’t going anywhere,” Blake added. “Neither are you, young lady.” He chuckled as he put her down. “I can’t do without my biggest helper. Who’ll go out with me to feed the horses on weekends and help me talk to the men if you leave?”

  Sarah nodded. “Yes, Daddy.”

  “And who’ll help me eat the vanilla ice cream that Mrs. Jackson has in the freezer?” he added in a whisper.

  Sarah’s eyes brightened. “Vanilla?”

  “That’s right,” he said. “Left over from your birthday party. Would you like some?”

  “Blake, it’s too late…” Meredith began.

  “It is
not,” he said. “It’s her birthday, and she can have more if she wants it.”

  “Thank you, Daddy.” Sarah grinned.

  “I guess birthdays do only come once a year,” Meredith said, relenting. “I’ll go and get it. And some cake.”

  “Amie will get it,” Blake said, eyeing Meredith’s clothes. “You and I have to change before we can join the party. We got soaked on your account, young lady,” he told Sarah with a faint smile. “We thought you’d run out into the fields.”

  “Oh, I couldn’t have done that, Daddy,” Sarah said matter-of-factly. “I would have gotten my lovely party dress wet.”

  Blake laughed with pure delight. “I should have thought of that.”

  Mrs. Jackson had followed them upstairs and was sighing with relief. “Sarah, I’m so glad you’re all right,” she said, and smiled. “I was worried.”

  “You’re nice, Mrs. Jackson,” Sarah said.

  “So are you, pet. Want to come and help me dish up some ice cream and cake while your mommy and daddy change clothes? And we could even make some cookies if you want to. It’s not at all late. If your daddy doesn’t mind,” she added, glancing at Blake.

  “Please, Daddy!” Sarah asked.

  “All right,” he said, relenting. “Go ahead. Your mommy and I will expect some when we get showered and changed. And they’d better be good,” he added.

  Sarah laughed. “Me and Mrs. Jackson will make lots,” she promised. She took Mrs. Jackson’s hand and went with her.

  “We are a mess,” Meredith said, looking down at her clothes.

  “Speak for yourself,” he returned. “I look great soaking wet.”

  She eyed him mischievously, her gaze running possessively over his hard muscles. “I’ll drink to that.”

  He took her hand. “Well, come on. We’ll get cleaned up together.”

  She went with him, expecting that he’d leave her at the door to the master bedroom, but he didn’t. He pulled her into the bathroom with him and closed the door, locking it as an afterthought.

  Meredith’s heart went wild. “What are you doing?” she asked.

  “We have to shower, don’t we?” he said softly. His hands went to her blouse. “Don’t panic,” he whispered, bending to touch his mouth gently to hers. “We’ve seen each other before.”

  “Yes, but…”

  “Hush, sweetheart,” he breathed into her open mouth.

  She was hungry for him. It had been so long. Too long. She gave a harsh moan, and the blood went to his head when he heard it.

  “Do that again,” he whispered roughly.

  “Do…what?”

  “Moan like that,” he bit off against her mouth. “It drives me crazy!”

  She felt his hands on her breasts when he pushed the blouse out of his way, and she did moan, not because he’d said to, but because the pleasure was so exquisite.

  He reached out to turn on the shower and adjust the water, and then, his jaw set, his eyes glittering with desire, he stripped her and then himself and lifted her into the shower.

  In between kisses, he soaped her and himself, and it was an adventure in exploration for Meredith, who’d never dreamed of touching and being touched so intimately. The soap made her skin like silk and the feel of his hands against her most secret places was unbearable delight.

  He rinsed Meredith off, and himself, then turned off the water and reached for a towel. But he didn’t dry them with it. Holding her eyes, he spread the towel on the tiles of the big bathroom floor, and catching her waist, he lifted her against him and kissed her with probing intimacy.

  “We’re going to make love. Here,” he whispered, “on the floor.”

  She shuddered at the images that flashed through her mind. “Yes,” she groaned, pressing hard against him so that her soft breasts flattened against the thick pelt of hair on his muscular chest.

  He spread her trembling body on the thick towel and himself over her, his mouth demanding and slow, his body making the sweetest kind of contacts as he moved sensually over her.

  She felt his hands on her and she shivered, but he kept on, evoking sensations she hadn’t dreamed existed. She opened her eyes and looked at him and cried out, her nails digging into his shoulders as she lifted against his hand.

  “I’ve never wanted you this badly,” he whispered as he poised above her. “I don’t want to hold back anything this time.”

  “Neither do I.” She lifted her hands to his face. “I love you,” she said, parting her lips as they brushed his with open sensuality. “I love you, Blake.”

  His hands contracted on her hips as he moved down, very slowly, his eyes holding hers so that he could see them while his body began to merge with hers. “I love you, too, honey,” he whispered shakenly, jerking a little with each deepening movement. She started to lift up, but his hands held her still. “No,” he murmured breathlessly, his eyes still on hers. “No, don’t…move. Don’t rush it… God!” His eyes closed suddenly and he shuddered.

  She felt him, breathed him, tasted him. Her body shook with what he was doing to it, with the exquisite slowness of his movements, the depth… She clenched her teeth and cried out in protest, her hips twisting helplessly.

  “Blake…if you don’t…hurry!” she wailed in anguish.

  “Ride it out,” he whispered at her ear. His body flowed against hers like the tide, lazy and deliberate, despite the sudden hot urgency that was burning them both. “It’s going to be good,” he groaned. “Good…so good… Meredith!” His body clenched. “Merry, now!”

  She felt his control slip and she let go of her own, yielding totally, trusting him. And the tension all but tore her to pieces before she felt the heat blinding her, burning her, and she fell into it headfirst with tears streaming down her cheeks.

  His hands were in her hair, soothing her, smoothing the wet strands away from her rosy cheeks. He was kissing her, sipping the tears from her eyes, kissing away the faint sorrow, the fatigue, the trembling muscles.

  She opened her eyes and his face came into focus. She couldn’t breathe properly. Her body felt as if it had fallen from a great height. His eyes held hers, and there was adoration in them now, openly.

  “The bed would have been better,” he said, brushing her mouth lazily with his. “But this was safer.”

  “She’s making cookies,” she told him wearily.

  “She’s unpredictable.” He nuzzled her nose with his. “I love you,” he breathed, his eyes mirroring the statement. “I couldn’t admit it until today, but, oh, God, I feel it, Meredith,” he said huskily, his face taut with emotion that made her heart jump with excitement. “I feel it when I look at you, when I’m with you. I didn’t know what it was to love, but now I do.”

  “I’ve always felt that way about you,” she whispered, smiling adoringly. “Since I was eighteen. Maybe even longer. You were the moon, and I wanted you so much.”

  “I wanted you, too. But I didn’t understand why I wanted you so badly.” He kissed her again. “You complete me,” he breathed. “You make me whole.”

  Her arms linked around his neck, she buried her face in his throat. “I feel like that, too. Was it necessary to torture me to death?” She laughed shyly.

  “It was good, though, wasn’t it?” he said. “So intense that I thought I might pass out just at the last. I like losing control with you. I fly up into the sun and explode.”

  “Yes, so do I.” She cuddled closer. “The floor is hard.”

  “The bed is unprotected.”

  She sighed. “Well, there’s always tonight.” She drew back a little. “Are you going to sleep with me?”

  “No, I thought I’d sack out with one of the horses—oof!”

  She withdrew her fist from his stomach. “Sarah Jane wants a brother or sister.”

  “At the rate we’re going, that won’t take long. There’s nothing wrong with you,” he added, emphasizing it. “And meanwhile, Sarah’s going to have time to adjust to us and feel secure. Okay?”
/>   “Okay. I’ll stop worrying,” she promised.

  “Good. Now let’s go get some ice cream,” he said, moving away to get to his feet and pull her up with him. “I’m starving!”

  She wanted to make a comment about men and their strange appetites, but she was too hungry to argue. Her eyes adored him. So much had come out of such a stormy, terrible night, she thought as he wrapped a towel around his lean hips and tossed an extra one to her. He loved her. He actually loved her. She smiled, tingling all over with the newness of hearing the words, of having the freedom to say them. It was like a dream come true. Or it would be, she thought, if she could ever give him a child. She had to force herself not to think about it. Anyway, Blake had said there was plenty of time.

  Epilogue

  Eight months later, little Carson Anthony Blake Donavan was born in Jack’s Corner Hospital. Looking down at the small head with its thick crown of black hair, Meredith could have jumped for joy. A son, she thought, and so much like his father.

  Sitting by her bed, Blake was quiet and fascinated as his first son gripped his thumb. He smiled down at the tiny child. “He’s a miracle,” he said softly. “Part of us. The best of us.”

  She smiled up at him tiredly and her hand touched the finger that was caught in the baby’s grasp. “He’s going to look like you,” she said.

  “I hope so, considering that he’s a boy,” he replied dryly.

  She laughed. Her eyes made soft, slow love to his. “I’m so happy, Blake,” she whispered. “He’s the end of the rainbow. And I was so afraid that I couldn’t give you a child.”

  “I knew you could,” he said simply. “We love each other too much not to have a child together.” He bent and kissed her soft mouth. “Sarah wanted to come, too. I explained that they wouldn’t let her in here, but you’re getting out tomorrow and she can see her brother all she wants to. She’s coloring a pretty picture for him.”

  “She’s been almost as excited as we have,” Meredith said. “She’ll love not being an only child. And it will give her some security. She still doesn’t quite believe that she’s safe and loved.”