Just a Little Bet (Where There's Smoke)

by Tawna Fenske

  The word was barely a whisper, sending chills rippling up her arms. “What?”

  Lifting his hands, Tony pressed the heels to his forehead. He looked like a man on the verge of breaking down. Like a man fighting to stop it. She started to step forward, to comfort him, to wrap her arms around him and insist it would all be okay. Together, they could somehow make this better.

  “I’ve been kidding myself,” he said softly.

  “What?” Kayla stopped moving.

  “That I could ever do this,” he said. “Be a husband or a father after the kind of shit I’ve seen. There’s no way.”

  “Tony—”

  “I can’t even help my own mother.” He dropped his hands, and his eyes were wild and haunted. “How could I be responsible for a family?”

  She bit her lip. “You’re a good man, Tony. You’re kind and smart and gentle and funny and one of the most caring people I’ve ever met. That’s what I see when I look at you. Not a man like Bud. You. The best man I know.”

  “Not even close.” He shook his head like he hadn’t even heard her. “For God’s sake, I lost your dog. The first living creature I’d been responsible for, and I let him run away in the woods.”

  “That wasn’t your fault.” She knew he’d stopped hearing her, but she had to keep trying. She moved forward again, desperate to ease his hurt. His eyes dropped to her bandaged thumb, and his jaw clenched.

  “That’s my fault.” He pointed to her hand, and she froze. “I kicked out a fucking window. I’m the reason you’re hurt, and I didn’t even notice until we got to the hospital.”

  “It’s not a big deal.” She angled to the side, keeping her hand out of view, but the flash of guilt in his eyes told her that only made it worse.

  “It is a big deal.” He met her eyes again, holding contact for long, breathless seconds. “This is what life with me gets you. Loss. Hurt. Chaos. I can’t do that to you, Kayla. I can’t, and I won’t.”

  What did that even mean? “Let me help.”

  She stepped forward again, and he flinched like she’d struck him. “No.” Tony stepped back. “You should go.”

  “What?” Surely she’d heard wrong.

  “You deserve better than this.” He was talking fast now, out of his mind with grief and self-loathing. “Take the Jeep and head back to Hart Valley. You’ve got your deadline. You’ve got Fireball. And I’ve got—I’ve got a lot to deal with here.”

  Kayla blinked. “I can’t just leave you like this.”

  “And I can’t drag you into this mess with me.” He sounded near hysteria, like a man completely broken. “For God’s sake, you’re kind and good and determined to be a better person when you’re already fucking perfect. I’m not going to pull you down with me.”

  He was shouting now, hands balled into fists. A handsome young doctor in blue scrubs popped his head through the door, glancing from her to Tony and back again. “Everything okay in here?” His gaze rested on Kayla, questioning. “Security is just down the hall if you need anything.”

  “Thank you.” Kayla pressed her lips together. “Everything’s fine.”

  The doctor looked at her for a few beats longer, then turned and walked out. Tony stared after him, shaking his head.

  “See? That’s what I mean.”

  Kayla faced him again, still struggling to find her place in a conversation careening off the rails. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m being a total asshole to you right now,” he said. “And you’re going to stand here and take it.”

  Kayla straightened her spine. “You’re hurting,” she said. “You have every right to lash out when you’re hurting.”

  “No.” The word came out like a bark, and he speared his fingers through his hair. “I don’t deserve excuses. That’s where it starts.”

  “Where what starts?” She was trying to understand; really, she was. “Tony, what are you talking about?”

  “Love!” He shouted it like a curse, like the filthiest word he knew. “My mother loved my father, and he fucking walked out on us. Bud swears he loves my mom, but look how he treats her. And my mom—she’s so broken by all of it that she doesn’t even know what love’s supposed to look like anymore. Jesus, neither do I.”

  She blinked at him, reeling from his words. From the knowledge that just a few hours ago, this same man whispered words of love in her ear.

  “I know I said I loved you.” He closed his eyes, and Kayla’s breath caught at the past tense. “But I think it’s pretty clear I don’t know what the fuck love is. And I sure as hell don’t have the tools to be in a relationship. Not the kind of relationship you deserve.”

  She shook her head, though he couldn’t see her. His eyes were still closed, forehead furrowed with emotion. “I’m not leaving you.”

  “You have to.” When he opened his eyes, they were full of resolve. “I’ll text you Leo’s address so you can go get Fireball. Here. Take the keys.”

  He jerked them out of his pocket and tossed them to her like he was afraid to come closer.

  Kayla stumbled forward, hating her own stupid instinct. She should let the damn things hit the ground, but she caught the keys with a heavy clang. “Tony, this is crazy.”

  He turned away, no longer hearing her protests. “Find someone who deserves you, Kayla. That isn’t me.”

  She clenched the keys in her fist, not sure what to do. Part of her wanted to hurl them at his head. Part of her wanted to wrap her arms around him.

  Her heart thundered in her ears as the sharp metal bit into her palms. “So that’s it,” she said. “You’re just going to give up on another relationship.”

  His shoulders tensed, but he didn’t face her. “It’s better for both of us.”

  “It’s not better for me.” A tear slid down her face, and she hated herself for letting it fall. “We can get through this together. When you love someone, you stick with them through the rough times, and you face the tough stuff as a team. That’s how it works, Tony.”

  “Is it?” He dragged his hands down his face and took another step back. “Because I sure as fuck don’t know.”

  “What?”

  He shook his head slowly. “You’ve heard what all my exes said. I’m lousy at letting anyone get close, and that’s never going to change.”

  “That’s not true.” She gripped the keys tighter. “You’re scared, and you’re spiraling, and you’re doing what you always do—you’re self-sabotaging so you don’t have to let anyone close.”

  He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. “Maybe so. But that’s better than taking you down with me. Kayla, please go.” He was begging now, his eyes pleading as he dragged his hands from his face. “Please.”

  She had no idea how to get through to him, but she had to try. “I love you,” she said. “That should be enough.”

  He looked at her like his heart was shattering in two. “It should be, but it’s not.”

  “Tony—”

  “I can’t do this,” he said. “You deserve forever, and I’m a serial commitment-phobe. You deserve a good man, and we’ve heard over and over that I’m a bad boyfriend. Jesus!” He barked out something halfway between a laugh and a sob. “I don’t even know who won the damn bet.”

  “No one.” She whispered the words, clutching the keys in her hand. As she stared at him across the hospital room, she knew there was no changing his mind. No getting through to him.

  So she took another step back. “No one’s winning here.”

  Then she turned and walked away.

  …

  Tony knew he should go after Kayla. The second she left the hospital room, he knew in his bones he should chase her down and admit what a dumbass he’d been.

  But he wasn’t that selfish.

  Or maybe he was just chickenshit.

  He
was definitely too chickenshit to catch an Uber to his mom’s house and do whatever it took to get her back to the hospital. Add “shitty son” to his list of failures, right up there with “shitty boyfriend.”

  The thought buzzed through his mind on an endless loop as he jogged six miles to the airport, sneakers pounding the pavement in the growing darkness. A tiny slice of moon lit his path along the shoulder of the highway, but otherwise, the landscape was dark.

  Maybe he’d get run over. He probably deserved it.

  By the time he reached the air base, it was nearly six. Leo was probably long gone, and Tony’s stomach growled a reminder that he hadn’t eaten lunch. The thought of food churned his stomach, and his heart jackhammered as he caught his breath at the doorway of the air-tanker bay.

  Before he could lift a hand to knock, the door swung open, and Leo stared at him like he’d lost his damn mind. “I thought that was you.” Leo crossed his arms over his chest. “What the hell are you doing out here?”

  “I needed some air.”

  Leo quirked an eyebrow. “Did you get it?”

  “I guess.” He was still winded, but it wasn’t from running. He hadn’t been able to catch his breath since he’d watched Kayla walk out of that hospital room.

  Regarding him with an odd look, Leo dragged the door closed and joined Tony outside. “Come on. You caught me on my way home. You’re coming to my place for dinner.”

  “I’m not interrupting your dinner.” Crap, the last thing he needed was to ruin Leo’s family time. “You and Seth have your routine.”

  “Seth’s with his mom tonight.” Leo locked the door, then turned back to Tony. “They’re over at Nyla’s sorting medical supplies for some volunteer gig.”

  “You still on good terms with Mandi?”

  “Yeah. Doing the whole co-parenting thing. It’s been six years, so we’ve figured shit out.”

  “That’s great. For Seth’s sake, I mean.” Tony fought the urge to point out that Leo’s failed marriage was one more tick in the column of doomed relationships.

  Hell, maybe Tony was jinxed. He should keep his distance from Willa and Grady.

  “Come on.” Leo tossed his keys in the air and led Tony toward his truck. “Where’s your ride, anyway?”

  “Gone.” Tony ignored the pointed look Leo gave him. “I gave her the keys to drive back to Hart Valley.”

  He stopped walking and frowned. “Is that why she showed up in your rig to grab her dog?”

  “Yeah.” He looked down at his hands. “I told her she should go.”

  “And she listened?”

  “I didn’t give her much of a choice.”

  Leo shook his head but said nothing else as he resumed the trek to the truck. He unlocked it, moving around to the other side while Tony climbed in. Tony grabbed the hem of his T-shirt and did a covert sniff, relieved he didn’t smell like sweat or highway exhaust. The hospital staff had been kind enough to stash his duffel full of clean clothes and toiletries, but he’d have to go back eventually to claim it.

  He waited as Leo settled into the driver’s seat and fired up the engine. Leo fiddled with the dashboard controls the same way he’d done the countless times Tony saw him in the cockpit of a plane. It was oddly comforting, watching his oldest friend, his buddy he’d battled flames with for half his life.

  As Leo eased the truck out of the parking lot, Tony closed his eyes.

  God, he felt tired.

  He took a deep breath. “So my mom checked herself out of the hospital against medical orders.”

  “Huh.”

  That was it. Just huh. Tony opened his eyes to see his buddy staring out at the road. Leo didn’t look shocked. He didn’t even look surprised.

  Sensing Tony’s eyes on him, Leo glanced over. “Let me guess. She got worried Bud would get upset.”

  “Yep.” Tony leaned back against the seat, moving with the rhythm of the highway. “You’ve seen more of her in the last decade than I have. I guess you could have predicted all of this, huh?”

  “Nope. Can’t say I’ve ever had much of an idea what your mom’s going to do. I expected her to leave the son of a bitch years ago.”

  “Right?” Tony stared out the window. “How does she not see what a piece of shit he is?”

  “Maybe she knows. Maybe this is her way of protecting you from him.”

  Tony frowned. “That makes no sense. Getting him the hell out of her life would be protecting us. Protecting herself.”

  “Married people get stuck sometimes.” A dark look passed over Leo’s face, but it was gone quickly. “They forget what it was they wanted out of marriage in the first place.”

  “Exactly why I’m not cut out for the shit,” Tony muttered. “I’d never want to do that to someone.”

  Leo snorted. “You’re nothing like the two dickhead dads who raised you.”

  “You don’t think so?” He looked out the window some more. “I sent Kayla away without me. And I yelled at her earlier. She was kind and compassionate, and I yelled at her like a goddamn…like Bud.”

  “Not the same thing.” Leo pulled into his driveway and killed the engine, then turned to face Tony. “Bud did it to break you down. That’s not why you yelled at Kayla, is it?”

  Tony shook his head, at a loss for words.

  He’d never told Leo all the details of Bud’s abuse. Never explained why he and Joel moved out of the house. “He got violent with Joel,” he said. “Twice. And the shit he used to yell at us—” Tony shook his head. “I know that doesn’t matter. They’re just words.”

  “No such thing as just words.” Leo stared at him. “Words have all the power in the world.”

  “When did you turn into a fucking philosopher?”

  Leo laughed and pushed the door open. “Come on. I’ve got a huge batch of Nyla’s famous chicken-and-barley stew. She makes it with fresh dill and lemon.”

  “Your ex-sister-in-law brings you dinner?”

  Leo shrugged, not catching the subtext of the question. “Said she made too much the other night, so she brought a bunch for Seth. It’s his favorite.”

  “For Seth, huh?”

  Leo lifted an eyebrow. “You got something to say?”

  “Nothing.” Fine, maybe it was a coincidence Leo kept bringing up Nyla’s name. It was none of Tony’s business. “How’s Seth doing, anyway?”

  “Great. He’s getting huge.” Leo pushed the door open, then strode toward the mantel and grabbed a framed photo. “Here’s us fishing the lower Deschutes last summer. He’s already grown another inch.”

  “Damn.” Tony studied the photo, ignoring the painful pang in his chest at the sight of father and son with arms thrown around each other. “Hard to believe that’s the same kid who used to sit in the air base break room beating my lunchbox with a spoon.”

  Leo laughed and took the photo back, taking his time arranging it on the mantel. Then he turned back to Tony. “All right, enough small talk. Cough it up. What the hell did you do?”

  Tony frowned. “I thought you invited me here for stew.”

  “No stew until you tell me what happened with Kayla. Nyla said she’s perfect for you, and she seemed pretty great when I handed off the dog. I want to know why you drove her away.”

  Tony bit back the urge to point out he’d just mentioned his ex-sister-in-law again. Dr. O’Toole would call that re-centering or redirecting or re-something. He couldn’t remember the exact term.

  Heaving a sigh, he dropped onto Leo’s couch. “We’re not a good fit.”

  “Bullshit.” Leo dropped onto the other end of the couch and propped his boots on the coffee table. “Try again.”

  Tony glared at him. “How do you know what’s bullshit?”

  “Because I know you. And I heard the way you sounded on the phone a year ago when you were dating. She’s differen
t; you even said so.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” He hefted his feet onto the coffee table, hoping his running shoes didn’t stink. “Think about it, Leo—like, half of all marriages end in divorce.”

  Leo shot him a dark look. “I’m well aware.”

  “Right, sorry.” Shit.

  Leo folded one leg over the other, work boots making a dull thud on the table. “That doesn’t mean you give up on the whole damn thing.”

  “Yeah, but how many married people do you know who are really happy? Like really happy—not just thinking they are.”

  Leo frowned. “If you think you’re happy, isn’t that the same thing as actually being happy?”

  “My mom thinks she’s happy.”

  Leo shook his head. “No, she doesn’t. Deep down, she knows she’s not. I can’t pretend I understand why she’s mixed up with Bud, but it’s not happiness.”

  “Then what is it?” And how the hell did people keep from ending up in shitty marriages like that?

  He didn’t voice that second part out loud, but Leo heard him anyway. “Inertia. Fear. Finances. Self-loathing. Hell, there are a million reasons people stay in bad marriages.” Leo snorted. “Trust me.”

  “Yeah, but you’re still friends with your ex.”

  “We have to be for the sake of the kid,” he said. “That’s not what I meant. I’m saying that if you go into something with your eyes open and a solid grasp on communication, odds are good it’ll work out.”

  Tony frowned. “Did you think you and Mandi would get divorced? That you’d end up a single dad?”

  “Of course not, asshole. You’re missing the point.”

  “What’s the point?”

  Leo shook his head, frustrated with him for being such a dumbass. But Tony really didn’t understand.

  “The point,” Leo said slowly, “is that there are no goddamn guarantees. You patch the roof and caulk the walls and hope like hell you’re ready when the rain starts coming down. Because the rain’s coming, whether you want it to or not.”

  Tony sighed and buried his head in his hands. “Why does anyone get married? Seriously, knowing how bad it can turn out.”