Giving It Up

by Amber Lin

  “You see the problem.”

  She laughed. “What—is he trying to impress you?”

  “Not exactly. His sister is in the ballet. A dancer. We’re going to opening night, and then we’re going to meet her and Colin’s brother after.”

  She whistled. “He doesn’t do anything half-assed, does he? Well, I brought three different options. Come on.”

  We crept up the creaking stairs, past Bailey’s half-open door, and into the bedroom.

  I immediately rejected the elegant, black, form-fitting dress, knowing it wouldn’t flatter my lack of curves. Shelly and I were the same size, but if her body type was Tinkerbell, mine was Peter Pan.

  Next was a gown with a sequined silver bodice and gray, gauzy skirts. I’d been pregnant during my prom and felt no need to re-create the experience now. Pass.

  The last one I had never seen before. Pink and silky with a modest neckline, the fabric gathered below the bust and then flared out into asymmetrical curves ending below my knees, almost like petals.

  “Oh,” I said, awestruck.

  “You like it?” Shelly asked.

  “I do, but—” I glanced at her, a bit surprised. It was so bright, so flirty, and she hated to be the cliché of her profession.

  She looked pleased. “It’s for you.”

  I opened my mouth, but she cut my protests short. “No complaining. And no calculating how many bags of diapers this dress could pay for. You don’t need to worry about that anymore, remember?”

  “Well, she still needs to poop,” I muttered, but it did nothing to mask my delight. How long had it been since I’d had new clothes? Plastic flip-flops from Target didn’t quite count.

  I put it on—perfection. It was pretty and feminine and everything I’d always wanted to be but wasn’t. Of course Shelly had known. I wanted to hug her, but she wasn’t really a fan of touching.

  “Thank you.” I gave my skirts a flick, enjoying the way they swished against my bare legs. “You’re like my fairy godmother. Now I can go to the ball.”

  “But you already bagged the prince,” she said lightly.

  Dismayed, I said, “You are mad.”

  “I’m not.” She put her hand on my forearm and looked me in the eyes. “I’m not.”

  A slam of the door alerted us to Colin’s arrival. By the time steady footsteps trekked up the stairs and to the doorway, I’d already fled to the bathroom.

  “Just a minute,” I called out. I wanted to brush away my pizza breath and freshen up my makeup before Colin saw me. Tonight had to be perfect.

  Through the door, I heard the murmurs of Shelly and Colin, and I stepped up the pace. They’d gotten along well so far, but no need to press my luck.

  When I opened the bathroom door, Shelly and the other dresses had vanished. She was probably already curled up in the armchair in Bailey’s room with a book.

  Colin stood at the window, looking out at the street. He still wore his jeans and T-shirt from work at the restaurant. His suit was laid out on the bed where I’d left it.

  He turned, saw me, and froze. Framed by the soft evening glow, I couldn’t see his face. I swayed, swishing softly. “Do you like it?” I asked.

  A slight nod.

  That left something to be desired.

  “Are you sure?” What if he really didn’t like the dress? What if it wasn’t the right thing to wear to the ballet? What if he was tired of me? For all I knew, I was just the flavor of the week. Intuition was nice, but it wasn’t security.

  Sometimes his terseness could be downright unnerving. I didn’t want to mess this up, but at this point how would I even know until he kicked my ass to the curb?

  I took a deep breath and approached him, all timidity. “Are you sure this is okay?” I asked.

  He nodded.

  “Tell me the truth,” I said.

  “It’s a nice dress.” His leashed body and hot eyes said he liked it very much.

  I blinked up at him. “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  A smile spread across my face. “You’re sweet.”

  I threw my arms around him. He stiffened and then put his arms around me too. And wow, I guess it was okay, considering the thickness I felt press against my hip.

  “Hey.” I put my hand on his cock through his jeans. “I can take care of that.”

  His hips backed away. “After the ballet, or we’re never getting out of here.”

  “Are you sure?” I mused. “You don’t want me to kneel down right here in front of you, with my new dress on, and make you feel better?”

  I would’ve sworn I had him, but he tightened—all over—and then shook his head on a long exhale. “Later,” he said.

  Then he went into the bathroom to put on his suit. He looked just like I knew he would. Perfect.

  * * * *

  We drove to the theater in silence. I rehearsed sophisticated-sounding things to say to his brother and sister. When we arrived, seating hadn’t begun yet, so Colin got us drinks from the bar. Turned out rich people liked to get drunk too. Same beer, triple the price. None of the cocktail tables had any chairs, so we found an empty one to stand around. As soon as we’d settled, Colin got a call on his cell. He stepped off to the side, just out of earshot, but not so far that I couldn’t hear his voice rise. I still couldn’t make out his words, but I felt his anger. One word slipped through a few times: “No.”

  Colin returned to the table, frustration seeping through his stoic mask.

  “Who was that?” I asked.

  “My brother.”

  I tensed. He and his hold on Colin were still a sore subject for me, but I knew I had to make nice. “He’s on his way?”

  Colin shook his head. “He doesn’t like crowds. We’ll stop by his house after.”

  We drank. My mind scrambled desperately for a topic but came up empty. The solemnity was unnatural for me, and the more desperate I became for a topic, the more inappropriate the suggestions in my mind became. Finally the tension got to be too much, and I burst out, “I’ve never been to a ballet before. It’s weird walking on carpet in high heels.”

  He said nothing.

  “You’ve been before…right?” I asked.

  “Just to see Rose.” His sister.

  “I’m worried I’ll do something stupid.”

  “You won’t,” he said.

  I bit my lip. “We got a book about the ballet from the library. I promised to tell Bailey all about the real thing later.”

  We fell into silence, with my lame words echoing in my head.

  Then Colin said, “One day we’ll bring her with us.”

  I curled against his side in answer, my chest feeling too full. The awkwardness fell away, and everything was perfect again.

  * * * *

  I hadn’t realized exactly how boring ballets were. Angelina the ballet-dancing rat left something to be desired in her descriptions. Okay, so I hadn’t really known what to expect, but too many people dancing in repetitive swirls for two and a half hours wasn’t it. Colin’s brother had the right idea after all. Crowds, my ass.

  After the curtains closed, we waited backstage.

  “Your sister looked really great,” I said.

  Colin nodded. He’d pointed her out to me, though I had no idea how he’d been able to tell her apart.

  A beautiful woman with stark black hair, dark eyes, and a stunning smile emerged from the crowd.

  Colin gave her a brief hug. “You were great.”

  So this was Rose. She looked glamorous, almost ethereal, and I felt incredibly awkward. “That was beautiful,” I said. “You looked great.”

  Rose smiled at me with open curiosity and appraisal in her eyes. “Thank you. Colin told me about you. I’m glad to finally meet you.”

  “Thanks. You too.” Though that wasn’t entirely true. Colin hadn’t told me much of anything about her. I only hoped she didn’t ask for specifics.

  “You have a…baby, don’t you?”

  “Yes.” I cou
ldn’t get a read on the undercurrent, whether it was the standard weirdness about my obvious age or whether she didn’t want her brother dating someone with a child. “A girl. She’s twenty months.”

  “Where’s her father?” Rose asked. I knew she didn’t mean where he was physically. She meant, where was he while me and my child were freeloading off her brother.

  “Rose,” Colin warned.

  I put my hand on his arm. “It’s a fair question, but it’s kind of a long story.” A long story, starting with “No” and ending with a plus sign on a stick.

  “I see.” Rose glanced at Colin’s glowering face—not that she looked particularly cowed—before shrugging. “Just looking out for my little brother.”

  I blinked, then looked over and up at her little brother, all five feet ten inches and one hundred and eighty pounds of him.

  “Stop,” he said. I could feel his tension under my hand.

  Crap, starting a fight between them was the last thing I needed to do tonight. I didn’t need him to take offense for me, not for this. “It’s okay,” I said to Colin.

  He glanced down at me and then, with a deep breath, visibly relaxed.

  Rose’s eyebrows rose as she watched our interactions. “You know,” she said. “I just might end up liking you after all.”

  It was hardly the ringing endorsement I’d hoped for at the beginning of the night. But then again, it was better than how things could have gone, considering how she’d been gunning for me at the start.

  Once we made our good-byes, I was ready to drag Colin out of there. But he was even more eager than I, his long strides pulling ahead of my hurried steps. Once we were back in the comfort of his truck, I sank into the faded fabric of the seats, soft in a way that can only come from wear, and breathed a sigh of relief.

  * * * *

  Colin’s brother, Philip, lived in a mansion.

  I wasn’t sure what I’d been expecting. With Colin’s modest home, casual clothes, and rough build, maybe a tight-knit little family. I gaped at the sprawling building, probably in some sort of architectural style that had a name, like deco or postmodern or something, and started to doubt the tight-knit family scenario.

  It dawned on me how incredibly, impossibly Colin was beyond my reach. His house was beautiful but normal. But his family. Shit. His sister in the ballet. His brother with a mansion and a lawyer on tap.

  What the hell was I doing here?

  Oh, right. Saving my ass. From Jacob. Like a total user.

  No wonder Rose had been suspicious of me. I was everything she feared.

  Despite the chilly night air, warmth invaded my hands, and I glanced down to see Colin’s large hands rubbing mine between his own. I looked up at him. “I don’t…”

  He cocked his head. “What’s wrong?”

  “I just… It’s so big.”

  “Yeah.” He shrugged. “It’s mostly for show. Don’t worry.”

  He squeezed my hands. I wished I could believe him. I trusted Colin. But he hadn’t seen how his brother was using him. And Colin hadn’t expected his sister to confront me. It seemed to me that he had a blind spot where his family was concerned.

  But we needed Philip for the lawyer, and besides, I had hopes that I could get in his family’s good graces. It was clearly important to Colin. I would do this for him.

  I squeezed his hands back, and we walked up the steps.

  We were let in by a man who seemed to know Colin but who didn’t look or speak to me directly. I looked to Colin for an introduction, but he seemed not to notice.

  Surely Colin would know the way. It was clear he’d been there many times. But the man led us to an empty room and then left. A butler, of sorts.

  The room screamed masculinity, a portrait of brown tones lined in black. I squinted at the framed sepia photograph nearest me—a matador and a bull. Very subtle.

  “Colin. Are you sure…?” I didn’t even know how to end the sentence. This felt all wrong.

  “Trust me,” he said.

  I couldn’t tell him no. Over the warning bells clanging in my head and through the tense knot in my stomach, I trusted Colin. So I sat down in one of the chairs, the plush leather welcoming my body like a bed of quicksand.

  Colin sat in the chair next to me, also sinking low.

  Neither of us spoke, but I was determined not to second-guess him again tonight. He didn’t deserve that from me.

  The click of shoes on wood announced the arrival of a tall man, leaner than Colin, and darker. He was dressed in a white dress shirt and black slacks, but he wore them as effortlessly as sweats. And when he stepped forward into the lamplight, I saw that his face was disfigured on one side, but it was hard to say what exactly was wrong with it. At least without staring, which I tried hard not to do.

  I must have failed, though, because the sharpness in his voice held a reprimand. “You must be Allison Winters.”

  “Allie,” I offered, shrinking into the chair even as I told my feet to stand. Colin was made of sterner stuff and stood.

  “Philip,” Colin greeted.

  Philip swung his gaze to Colin and raised his eyebrows. “You’ve been absent.” Every word was clipped, like it was cut off a second too soon.

  “You know why.” Colin spoke evenly. “Where’s Laramie?”

  “Late, as usual. I’d love to fire him for it if he wasn’t so fucking useful.” Philip grimaced and threw a nod in my direction. “Pardon my language.”

  Ha! That was a trip. If he thought I was a lady enough to watch his speech, then maybe there was hope for me yet. But this was stupid. I’d been silent this entire time.

  “Nice to meet you.” It came out as a croak. Neither man acknowledged me.

  “Any news?” Colin asked, his demeanor excluding me.

  “A few packages arrived last week,” Philip replied, “but we’re seeing delays all over the place. I’ll need you to look into it.”

  Colin nodded as if he’d expected as much.

  “Bad enough the quality issues,” Philip said. “Now with shipping trouble too. It’s gotta be a setup.”

  “I’ll take care of it,” Colin said.

  Philip inclined his head as if that settled things. I wondered if I could have as much trust in Colin as that.

  I let my mind drift while they talked shop. I’d gone to the parenting clinic for testing and contraception earlier today. The doctor had been different, but the nurse had been the same as two years ago. She hadn’t recognized me. I’d gritted my teeth against their vacant expressions and impersonal touches in my most private areas, but at least that was better than the alternative.

  Laramie joined us soon after. Laramie the Lawyer, though I kept that moniker to myself. He had soft features and kind eyes, all the better to trust him with. He, at least, was introduced formally to me. This was Drew Laramie, attorney-at-law and family friend. I was Allie Winters, the one with “the problem.”

  I had a short speech prepared. What I’d told Colin but with details. When Bailey was born, what her birth certificate read, how I’d supported her all this time. These things had seemed important in the light of day when I’d anticipated and dreaded this meeting.

  But here, in the dark, with the men settling in and throwing their words above my head, my planned words seemed superfluous, as if the details hardly mattered. Laramie sat across from Colin. Philip served us all drinks, somehow managing to not look the least bit subservient. He served me first, as the lady, I supposed. I brooded into my glass of water while the men were given an amber liquid.

  “It looks like he hasn’t filed yet, but that doesn’t mean anything,” Laramie said, finally addressing the case. “These things take time.”

  “And you know we’d rather avoid that altogether,” said Philip.

  “I understand. I have Roark looking into his background. If we can find something appropriate…” Laramie let the sentence die as he took a sip from the drink Philip handed him.

  “That’s risky,” Colin said.r />
  Laramie nodded. “Hard to say how a man’ll react until he’s pressed into a corner. You mentioned paying him off, but that carries its own risks. Technically there’d be no guarantee he wouldn’t file at some future date or press for more money.”

  “Oh, he’ll stick to the deal,” Philip said.

  Laramie smiled without humor. “There’s persuasion, but you don’t need me for that.”

  God, no more violence. Please.

  “She doesn’t want that,” Colin said.

  They paused in unison and looked at me.

  “Definitely not,” I said. Which seemed to work, because they resumed talking around me, about negotiations and agreements. Riddles cloaked in ordinary words. At least there was no more talk of persuasion.

  It was like I’d stumbled into some sort of Mad Hatter’s tea party. I should speak up, I knew. I should advocate for Bailey, but despite the questionable ethics of some of their suggestions, they seemed to have a much better grasp on the possible solutions than I did.

  If only Philip would look at me when he talked about me.

  Laramie did, giving the occasional sympathetic glance, particularly when he mentioned Bailey specifically. Colin also looked at me with his usual impassivity, though he directed his comments at the other men.

  Philip looked at the other men and, on occasion, at the air beside me. Never at me. After Jacob, I’d lost any claim to be a great judge of character, but everything about Philip made me nervous.

  I trusted Colin, and he trusted Philip. Colin seemed to think that was enough, but I was starting to realize trust didn’t work by proxy.

  Laramie’s eyes caught mine, an apology in them. “This man, did he ever hurt you?”

  “What?” The very worst liar in the world, my eyes widened and my hands clenched.

  “If he did,” Laramie said carefully, “it would certainly help our case. Give us leverage.”

  I stared into his gentle eyes with my mouth open.

  “Allie?” Colin said, but I couldn’t look at him.

  Laramie was silent, watching me.

  I’d thought about confessing all to Colin, but it wouldn’t be like this. I couldn’t possibly bare all my sins, all my shame in this room full of strangers. A room full of men. I was already the gold digger, the slut, the problem. I wouldn’t also be the victim.