Giving It Up

by Amber Lin

  A few minutes later our soup bowls were taken away and replaced with a plate of…what? I poked it with my fork. Round fish pieces. Ah, scallops. And even a corn mixture. I picked out the greens and fed them to Bailey.

  Rose broke the silence. “The company’s going to New York next month.”

  “Oh,” said Colin. “For how long?”

  “Just a week,” she said.

  Nothing, then Shelly said, “How exciting. Have you been?”

  “Oh, yeah,” Rose said. “I love it there.”

  She paused. We all did.

  “The nightlife,” she added, “the shopping…” Then she trailed off.

  Belatedly Shelly said, “Ah.”

  We all ate.

  I’d expected as much from myself, but Shelly and even Rose were good conversationalists. It shouldn’t be this awkward.

  I scowled into my plate. The cloud of Philip’s derision had dampened any real gaiety. Even the white lily centerpieces seemed to wilt under his wrath.

  The paper in my bra started to itch. I wriggled to surreptitiously fix it, but that only succeeded in getting Colin’s attention. The heat in his eyes would be fantastic later tonight. But for now I could hardly reach in my bra and remove a slip of paper with his eyes boring into me.

  “So,” Shelly broke in. “You guys were raised in Chicago?”

  I’d thought this was a nice neutral topic until I saw the glances exchanged between the three siblings.

  “Yes,” Rose finally said. “We were raised in Chicago.”

  Hmm, that wasn’t really a mystery. Why the sudden tension?

  “Ah,” said Shelly. “Did you—”

  “Next course,” Philip said flatly. Shelly’s eyes flared in surprise at the unsubtle change of subject, but she let it go.

  The servers exchanged our empty plates for large plates of thinly sliced smoked beef and a small chopped salad of carrots and potatoes and green herbs. It was pot roast done fancy. It smelled divine.

  But then another smell wafted to me, this one putrid. What the hell…oh no. I’d been caught in my own lie. Bailey had pooped, for real this time. And it would look weird that she’d gone twice so soon. Assuming they knew about babies, which they probably didn’t.

  My palms itched. I glanced over and saw Shelly’s eyes widen as the smell hit her.

  One by one they all turned to me. I tried for a smile.

  “Sorry, guys,” I said in a small voice. “Turns out she’s got the runs.”

  Shelly coughed into her napkin, but I was pretty sure it was only hiding a laugh. The bitch. This is serious, I should tell her. But, well, damn me, at least someone could enjoy this night. There was a reason we never saw spies with toddlers, I thought, and it started with what went in and ended with what came out.

  I grabbed the diaper bag and one seriously stinky child and headed toward the bathroom. I hadn’t been entirely lying about the runs, turned out. Rich food didn’t agree with her tummy.

  We worked our way through a bag of wipes to a clean, shiny bum, and were ready to head out. In the hallway I paused again. I glanced longingly at the study door. I really wanted to see that file.

  It seemed like a detour like this was only asking for trouble, but then I’d never really found all that much luck on the straight and narrow either. That decided it. I used the key again to get into the room and set Bailey down on the rug by the chairs. I’d probably go to hell for using her in this farce, but she’d act as a distraction if anyone came in here. If we were caught, having her might actually be a great excuse—I could say I needed to give her a break from the high chair and that’s why I was in here. That wouldn’t really explain how we’d unlocked the door, especially without triggering his alarm.

  Bailey pulled herself up using the leather armrest and gnawed on the corner. I turned on the lamp and went straight for the ledger. I flipped through the pages dating back before I’d moved in with Colin. Farther and farther back I went. They’d started to blur together, but suddenly some pages caught my eye because they all looked alike.

  They all started with R. Sanders—Rick’s name. There were five different entries, for amounts ranging from $3,000 to $13,000. Holy shit. Rick had been playing around with a lot of money. And for some reason Colin had bought up these debts…and traded them in for me. I snorted. He’d got the bad end of that deal.

  It didn’t mean that for sure. There could be other reasons Rick’s name was in this book. Maybe he’d come to Philip and gotten five different loans on the same day. I huffed a breath. Not likely.

  I figured Colin had done it after our date at the restaurant. We’d gotten to know each other, at least. Maybe I’d demonstrated some sort of datable qualities that night. Or maybe someone had roofied his drink or he’d hit his head or…well, something. Because guys did not pay to be with me, not for sex, not for anything.

  But no, the date of these entries was before that. I thought for one scary moment that they were from before I’d even met Colin, which would have been truly confusing, but they weren’t. They were a week after the night I’d picked him up at the club, and we’d had anonymous motel sex. What had made him decide to seek out my boss and try to manipulate me—so early?

  Colin had asked me out that night, I remembered, and given me a way to contact him. But that was a far cry from taking on thousands of dollars in a bad debt that could never be paid.

  I flipped through the next few pages. I didn’t have a suspicion, not really, but something drew me on. And only a week after the Rick entries, I found this one: A. Winters TY. It had to be me. What could TY mean? Thank you? Hah! The amount was for one thousand dollars. I certainly hadn’t received a thousand bucks, as a thank-you or otherwise. I checked a few pages forward and found nothing else I recognized.

  Bailey crawled around the desk and stood up at my knee. I sat her in the chair and twirled her gently around. She giggled softly, and I glanced at the door. I should go, but something anchored me here. As I turned the chair with one hand, I slid open the file cabinet. Names mostly, a few other code names I recognized from the ledger.

  Colin had a file. Interesting.

  A birth certificate. Colin was twenty-eight, born in Chicago proper to Philip Murphy Sr. and Louisa James Murphy. More paperwork. Hmm, custody something or other. I’d known he had a rough childhood, mostly from his refusal to discuss it, but I hadn’t known he’d been in the system.

  I had a file: Winters, Allison. And it was thick. I thumbed through the contents. The information about Jacob was in here, as well as the papers that Laramie had filed for custody.

  I slowed when I found the pictures. They were of my apartment. My mind immediately ran to reasons why Philip would have these. Laramie may have wanted them to show where I was living as part of a custody assignment. No, that wasn’t right. I’d already lived with Colin by then. I glanced at them again. Both Shelly’s and my car were in some of the pictures, meaning we both still lived there, so this wasn’t some after-the-fact thing.

  Actually, from that angle…it looked like they were taken from the street. The same place we’d seen the car sitting and watching. We’d assumed they had been watching Shelly. She was the one in the dangerous profession, but it looked like they’d been watching me. If Philip had these prints, then he must have been the one spying on me. Just because Colin liked me? But I knew. Philip didn’t act like an overprotective brother, more like a dog with a bone. He didn’t act like he loved Colin as much as owned him.

  I flipped through them, even catching one of me loading Bailey into the car. Only after seeing these photos, how we’d looked through the eyes of an outsider, a man, did I realize just how vulnerable we’d been. Shelly and I had always known that, to some extent, and that our anonymity was our greatest protection. So long as we stayed under the radar, no one would want to hurt us. That was the goal, but it looked like someone had known after all.

  Agitated, I moved Bailey back to the floor and opened the last drawer. Wozney, Wride, Wu. Yates
, Tony. Those letters could have meant anything, but that was the only TY name here. I pulled out the file and opened it. A violent shiver racked my body. Someone stepping over my grave, Shelly would say. No, this was worse.

  I sat down. Right there on the Persian rug next to the dark oak filing cabinets, I sat. Bailey crawled over, and I had enough presence of mind to lift the papers up out of her reach.

  The arrest records of Tony Yates had two pictures on it, one facing the camera, one profile. I recognized that man. That was the man who’d fucked me, who’d hurt me, that night I’d gone to the club. The one Colin had stopped, the one Colin had known. The receipt dated before I’d even met the guy.

  What did it mean? My mind couldn’t make sense of it, or maybe it just refused to, knowing it wouldn’t be good.

  I slipped the contents of Tony Yates’ folder back into the cabinet and shut it. I tucked the other scrap of paper from my bra deep inside the diaper bag.

  Time to go.

  In the dining room the plates were being cleared.

  “There you are,” Rose said warmly. “I was just going to get your cobbler.”

  Jesus, the fucking cobbler. The fucking ridiculous cobbler with its fucking ridiculous hope of making a good impression.

  “I’m sorry, I—” My breath stuttered.

  Colin stood. “What’s wrong?”

  I blinked rapidly. Don’t cry, you fucking idiot.

  “Bailey wasn’t doing so well,” I heard Shelly say. “Allie mentioned they might have to leave early because of it.”

  I couldn’t say a word. I needed to get out of this house, or I was liable to do something really ridiculous, like sob or scream or tell the fucking truth.

  Colin was talking, then Rose. False words, all of them. Yes, of course we can go. Oh, I hope you feel better. Let’s pretend we care while we pay people to hurt you.

  I was bundled into the car. Shelly tried whispering to me, asking me what had happened as I slipped her back the key, but I couldn’t tell her. I barely knew myself.

  The drive home was quiet, thank God. I was the chatty one between us, and I was struck mute. Colin didn’t seem to know what to do with that. I couldn’t help him.

  I tried to think rationally, as if I’d ever been any good at it. The guy had approached me, out of nowhere, but that wasn’t unusual for the club. I’d gone with him, hadn’t I? Or had he forced me? It had felt forced, but then at the time I’d wanted it that way. I’d said no, I knew that for sure. He hadn’t listened or cared, but that wasn’t all that strange at the club either. Wasn’t it supposed to be, though? Guys were supposed to stop when I said no. I didn’t know where I’d learned that from, but it seemed like it should be true. They should listen. But they didn’t, they didn’t. A sob escaped me.

  “Tell me,” Colin said. “What’s wrong?”

  I buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t talk, not without breaking apart. And this would be the kind of fracture that couldn’t be taped back together with a fake smile and a smart mouth.

  No matter whether it had been rape or not, the guy had singled me out. He had hurt me. And before he’d done those things, he’d been paid by Philip.

  Colin’s shock had been real, though. And he had beat the guy up afterward. Both the guy and Colin had confirmed that to me. It had scared me then, the violence, but it comforted me now. Surely Colin hadn’t been involved in hurting me.

  Back in Colin’s house, I went on autopilot. A bath first. Then a snack, because Bailey hadn’t gotten enough to eat at dinner. Then bedtime stories. I couldn’t read the words, my eyes weren’t working properly, but I knew them by heart. A few songs and then sleep.

  I wanted a shower, but Colin stopped me on the way into the restroom.

  “We need to talk,” he said.

  Yes, we did.

  “Did you mess with Rick?” I asked.

  The shock on his face wasn’t that of a man confused but of one caught.

  “Allie, I can explain—”

  “No,” I said. “Don’t bother. What I want to know is—that guy at the club, the one who fucked me in the parking lot, did you know him?”

  “I knew who he was, that’s it. He did some work for Philip, all low-level muscle shit. I barely knew him.”

  He must be really worried, I thought acidly, using all those words that sounded like apology but spoke of betrayal.

  “Did you pay him to hurt me?” I asked.

  “What? No! Jesus, Allie—”

  “Did you ask him to hurt me? Did you know he would?”

  “No.” Colin held me by the arms and shook me. “Stop this.”

  “What was he supposed to do to me?” I asked.

  Colin’s hands tightened and then released. It was only a very small hurt, but it was a reminder that he was still a man, after all. I’d do better not to trust him so much.

  “I had no idea you even knew that guy until Jim told me someone had taken you out,” Colin said, his voice ragged. “I followed and found…well, fuck. I found him later and roughed him up a little. Told him not to come back around. And I’ve never seen him since.”

  His brown eyes implored me, so fucking trustworthy.

  What did it mean if he was telling the truth? It meant his brother, Philip, was a lot more of an asshole than I’d previously thought. And a whole lot more dangerous too. Even more so, because Colin seemed to have no idea.

  “Allie,” Colin said, a quiet plea.

  “I believe you,” I said. “I’m sorry. I just…I’ve been having a rough couple of days.”

  I reached my hand out, unsure of my reception, but he took it and pressed it to his face, breathing in my skin.

  “I’m sorry,” I repeated. “Let me just shower, and it will be over.”

  Now I was the liar, because it would never be over.

  But I did shower and climb into bed, where Colin lay still and quiet. He wasn’t sleeping, but we didn’t touch and we didn’t fuck. We lay side by side with our words between us.

  The worst part, I feared, was that I could not walk away. Not that I even could leave Colin now, but it was more than that. It wasn’t just a question of whether I’d tell the cop to go take a hike. Philip had sought me out for something, and it was clear that the animosity he felt toward me ran deep. All of a sudden the information I’d stolen seemed a lot more valuable.

  It was leverage, just like the photos the cops had of me. Except this was leverage against a guy who wanted me hurt.

  I wouldn’t do anything as obvious as blackmail with my leverage, though. For one thing I didn’t think it would work. There’d be nothing stopping him from telling Colin what I was doing, and that I’d snooped to get information. Even if Colin were surprised to find out about Tony Yates, I doubted he would trust me much after that.

  No, I had to bring the cops down on Philip. I told myself it was about distracting him, about destroying the business that held Colin captive, but it felt more like payback for what Philip had done with Tony Yates.

  The cops and Philip—the proverbial rock and hard place. What I needed was for them to go at each other. I wasn’t sure which side would crack first, maybe they both would, but I needed them to hammer each other, not me. I just had to make sure to step out of the way; otherwise, I’d get smashed right in the middle.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Colin slammed the bathroom door shut, and I winced. He was still mad about last night. Maybe because I’d accused him of paying someone to rape me.

  Okay, probably that.

  And maybe he was also pissed because I’d obviously spoken with Rick, since I knew about the debt and the closing of the bakery. Well, I hadn’t broken the agreement not to communicate with him, Rick had. I’d never even made such an agreement. Besides, Colin was the one who’d fucked up, manipulating Rick and me. Shouldn’t he forfeit his right to be pissed off?

  Rick carried some fault as well, risking the bakery by racking up all those debts. Still, it wouldn’t do to forgive Colin so easily. He’d
taken away my choice. My consent, really. With a baby and no job, I could hardly have refused his offer to move in. I would have consented anyway—I did actually, not yet knowing the truth—but that wasn’t the point. Driving me to desperation was just as bad as holding my wrists above my head. Almost.

  Colin stomped out of the bathroom. The man could really throw a tantrum—quietly, though, like he did everything else. I got up to brush my teeth and get ready.

  Once downstairs, Bailey fussed for breakfast. I gave her sliced bananas while I made pancakes. She was still making up for last night’s diet and didn’t mind letting me know it.

  According to the calendar the next drop wasn’t until tomorrow. I had no doubt that I’d see the cop again before then, probably today. I didn’t want Bailey to be here for that.

  Colin joined Bailey at the table and plowed through his pancakes in brittle silence.

  I finally cracked. “What are you doing tomorrow night?”

  He didn’t look up. “No plans.”

  So he wasn’t going to the drop. Good. I’d pay special attention tomorrow to make sure he stayed home, even if I had to deep throat him for hours.

  “Let’s have movie night,” I offered.

  He shrugged his shoulders just a smidge as he took a bite. Stubborn man.

  The difference between his amiable silences and his angry one was like the difference between a chilly day and a hailstorm. I didn’t enjoy the animosity between us, but I wasn’t ready to call a truce. The only thing I’d done wrong, the snooping, he didn’t even know about. Okay, so that wasn’t the best defense, but I still felt indignant.

  For the first time in weeks he went out right after breakfast.

  I called Shelly.

  “Hey, girl,” she said.

  “Can you take Bailey out today?” I needed to make a stand, for all of us, but I could hardly do it while Bailey was here.

  “You aren’t going to do anything stupid, are you?” she asked.

  “Of course,” I said lightly. “You know me.”

  She sighed. “I haven’t seen her in a while anyway.”