by Ron Tufo
“Ron, you do know you have been talking to the hood again?”
“You mean to tell me you don’t see this old fool sitting on my hood?”
“Dad, all we saw was a bit of fog, and that has lifted while you were talking to us. There is nothing there.”
I wanted to try once again to explain to them about Longwalker, and that I wasn’t losing it, just didn’t have any energy left to waste. If they thought I was under a bit too much stress, well that was my release. Fuck it. Besides, I honestly wasn’t so sure myself anymore that it was all that authentic.
Having survived one night already in the Suburban in sub-freezing temperatures, we all thought it would be okay to do it again. However, none of us, especially me, wanted to repeat our exit method in the morning. We drove until we reached a secluded farm Mer knew of on the outskirts of town, far enough away from most life, other than a few winter-hardy pygmy goats. They were rather glad to see us too!
So, do goats really eat just about anything? Ask my daughter. As she was petting one friendly nanny, it was licking the gore off her pants and boots! We chuckled that I guess that rumor is true. The goat bleated her agreement and returned to her licking. Cute little critters. Wonder how Gabby would get along with them?
“No, Ron, we are not taking them with us,” my mind reading brother argued. “You do know goats are ruminants? That means shit just flows through them. So, unless you want a truck full of goat poop, we are leaving them here. They look to be surviving quite well.” A few last pets and scratches and the goats moved on to look for a better source of food and we settled down for some travel rations and sleep.
The ripping sound at 2 a.m. woke us all. The smell that followed made it a debate as to whether Mer and I stayed in our warmish beds or took a chance outside where the fresher air was.
“Gary, what the fuck man? This reeks!”
“Sorry, bro. I ate Lyn’s homemade stew for dinner. She said it was really good cold, so I thought I would give it a try.”
“You mean you ate the tub I marked ‘Do not eat. Not for human consumption’?”
“Well, yeah. I figured you were just saving the best stuff for yourself. How was I supposed to know you were telling the truth?”
“Dad, I gotta open a window, please.”
“Let your uncle open his and wave the door back a and forth a few times, too, while he’s at it. You know what, screw it. I am going outside for a bit.”
It was a beautiful starlit night. A waxing moon and cloudless sky made it all the more alluring. These were the nights I remembered camping in the backyard when I was a kid. If any more fog showed up to ruin this, I think I would have just shot it. I wonder if apparitions can pass a gunshot. Probably, but it would make me feel better, anyway.
No Indians, no zombies, not even a stray goat. Perfect time to be alone for a bit. Even a few moments of time spent this way did so much to restore my soul and my hopes, but cold it was, so I got back into the rolling motel room.
Gary was already snoring again. Meredith mumbled something as I got in the back and into the third bench seat of the big SUV area. The rest of the night was peaceful and still. Only the sounds of chirping crickets made their way into the cab. Had to be the first natural night’s sleep in weeks. Very welcome.
The morning saw us hit the road early. Meredith’s last suggestion as to her sister’s whereabouts was her workplace, a little more than an hour away and on highway for most of it. We threw in the last of our reserve fuel. Would have to get that taken care of sooner rather than later, and we were on our way.
I kind of liked going inland, less chance of an Indian sighting. The usual labor of clearing bridge passes was the most eventful part of the trip. Only took us four hours to do forty-five miles. Not bad, considering. We pulled up to the Burrillville Tavern a little before noon. There were bodies strewn everywhere. Judging from the outfits a lot of them had been wearing, I’m guessing it was a corporate Christmas party gone bad. There was a whole lot more prey than predator parts lying around, and these were just the ones outside the bar. It was probably far enough into a drunkfest that they hadn’t even realized what was happening to them until it was too late. At the very least all that alcohol should have numbed their bodies as well as their senses.
We got locked and loaded and made our entrance. That is to say, we skulked around to the backdoor because there was just too much carnage at the front one to make it worthwhile. We stayed on our guard for any truly undead, still moving-type zombies. Yeah, we’d finally learned that lesson. Inside the place made the outside look like a family picnic. I could not wait to get home to my own friendly zombie devastation and leave all this bullshit behind. Looks like the only weapon in the tavern had been a sawed off shotgun from behind the bar and the bartender on duty had pelleted the hell out of the place before he became snack food. Surprised he had that much ammo.
We looked all over, even had Meredith search the ladies’ room. From the gut wrenching sounds she made in there, it was no doubt worse than it was out here. Better her than me. I had drawn the men’s room duty and had barely gotten through that. One guy had been taken out while he was still on the pooper. Wonder if he got to finish. Sucks having a good shit interrupted.
No sign of Mel anywhere. In a way I was relieved, and in a way I was forlorn. The longer it took to find her, the less likely she would be alive.
We had exited the bar and were making our way out to the front parking lot.
“PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPONS! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED.”
“Jesus Christ, man, put down the fucking noisemaker! You’re only like twenty feet away from us. Even I can hear you!”
That remark got some snickers from Mr. Bullhorn’s mates. To all appearances, he liked his new toy a lot.
Again, without the horn this time: “Put down your guns and there won’t be any trouble.”
“For shit’s sake, doofus. You sound just like the governor of Massachusetts.” We had our weapons up and aimed, but we were seriously outgunned. It would not be a fight we could win. They had more men, more weapons to bear, and more cover to hide behind.
Before I or anyone else in our group could make a decision on what to do, the de facto leader of this bunch of thugs continued, “You are in the territory of the Burillville Bullies now and….”
“What? Wait a second, dude, you didn’t really say what I just thought I heard you say, did you? I’m a little hard of hearing, so maybe you should pick up your toy and try again because I thought you said you are the Burrillville Bullies, and I know that can’t be right. No one picks such a lame-ass name as that. Maybe you meant, ‘We are the Burrillville Butt Lickers,’ or even the ‘Burrillville Bum Fuckers.’ I know…you must have said, ‘we are the Burrillville Ball Suckers.’”
I was so fucking pissed that we had been ambushed by this cerebrally challenged gang of jerkoffs that I was going to blow a piston rod. Gary was frantically fake whispering into my ear to calm down. “Now is not the time to argue, Ron. There is no way this was going to end well for us.”
I could hear Meredith in the background, “Dad, just shut up. Just. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Please.” She did finish it with a “Please,” at least.
If there were snickers over the earlier bullhorn comment, there were belly laughs over the “Bullies” tirade.
“Told you that name sucked, Herb.”
I wasn’t done quite yet. “Yeah, Herrrbert. What, they elect you leader because you brought your own bullhorn to the meetings?” I thought I saw Herrrbert take a few nasty looks.
With an honest to goodness barely audible Irish whisper from Gary, “Ron, you really need to pull it in. We will have to allow ourselves to get captured and then figure a way out. Do what your daughter pleaded or so help me, I will shoot you and this time dad would agree with me!”
No matter how hard it was for me to lay down my rifle in front of this bunch of cretins, Gary was right. Behind me Meredith sighed the sigh of, “Good God, I am going to live for a littl
e while longer. My fool father finally figured out that shutting up was the right thing to do.”
One last college try. “Look, Herb, we are only here to try and find my daughter. She used to work here in the tavern. We’ve had no sign of her anywhere but for a bracelet her sister found.”
“Yeah, that is too bad. You are our prisoners, now.”
And just like that, we were back to antagonizing the guy with the gun. “Look you stupid prickhead, what the fuck are you going to do with prisoners? What kind of an asinine head trip are you on? You can have what is in the beat up SUV, if that makes you happy. I really just want to keep looking for my kid.”
I never saw the butt of Gary’s rifle coming. I was told later that even Meredith said, “Thank you.”
Sometime later, I awoke in the dark. Couldn’t tell if was nighttime or if I was just in a darkened room. Really didn’t care. My head hurt from the egg that was on the back of it.
“Good thing you went down on the first crack. I think you were really close to having your own personal lead souvenir, courtesy of Herb. You really do need some anger management training.”
“Yeah, I went through all that shit in corporate. Didn’t do any good then, either. I just don’t have any tolerance for idiots. Where’s Meredith?”
“Over here, Dad. I’m fine.”
“Anyone know what they think they have in store for us?”
“Nope. But, I think we are about to find out. I can hear someone coming down the hall now.”
The door creaked open and the light that shone in was artificial, so nighttime it was.
“You all settled in nice and comfy now?” said the new voice. “That was some smart mouth tongue lashing you gave Herb earlier. Pretty cool.”
Wait! Was this bonehead already telling us that there was some dissension in the ranks? Got to keep him talking, I said inside my head.
“We have changed the gang name now too. Been wanting to do that ever since the beginning. Always though it was a bit stupid. We are now the Burrillville Badgers!”
Oh dear Lord! Help me be nice, please. Who did they think they were? A fucking football team? Gary saw my lips twitching and the kick I got in the shin hurt almost as much as my head. Going to have a long talk with that boy when this was over.
Mer stifled a giggle and the moron just continued on. “I used to drink at the Burrillville Tavern. Did your daughter work there?” (No, fucknuts. We just stopped there for a quick beer.) “There were two waitresses slash bartenders there and an older guy. The girls were both blonde and cute. One of them cussed a lot, though.”
Bingo! “Were you there the night that place turned into hell? Was she working then? Did you see her?” This was obviously too many questions at once for our new friend. He just kind of stared at me.
Meredith gave it a try. “Mister, when was the last time you saw the girl who cussed? She was probably my sister.”
“Yeah, I can see the family resemblance.”
“Yeah, sure you can, doorknob. She was adopted, you piece of walking cold cuts,” I was said under my breath to Gary, who nonchalantly kicked me again.
“No, I wasn’t there that night. But it was a night your sister usually didn’t work. I hope for her sake she wasn’t there. I don’t think anyone got out alive.” Understandably, we were all quiet for a moment. Hope for Melanie had been fading with each new discovery. I almost thought it would be better if we did find her, even if she wasn’t alive. There is a lot to be said for closure.
With that the doorknob left us some food and drink, from our own supplies, nonetheless. Before he left he told us Herb was coming down to tell us what his plans were. Herbie was truly a consummate idiot. I really do think he was the leader of this bunch because his IQ was just slightly above the rest of his moronic crew.
Herb came in a few minutes later and looked at us like we were in some kind of bad gangster movie. “I am going to use you all as hostages. We lost two of our members the last time we got chased by zombies”
I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. God help me but I couldn’t stop myself. “What happened, Herrrrbie? They get lost while running away?”
“Talk all you want, but you won’t think so little of my idea tomorrow when we go on a raid to Walmart and you are the bait. You are going to be in hobbles so short even the broken zombies will move faster than you.” With that gem, Herbie slammed the door and we were left in the dark.
“Well, not the worst news of the day. I think we can handle this.”
It was Meredith’s turn on the meltdown merry-go-round. “Dad, did you not hear what he is going to do with us? I love you, but lately you scare the shit out of me more than ever. I have seen you talking to fog and truck hoods. I have seen you break off a rescue for Melanie and rush back to Maine. You will not stop badmouthing the leader of the group that is going to try and kill us via suicide by zombie. You stole a freakin’ bulldozer and drove it for ten hours to get it home! And now you think nothing of being eaten alive!” The rant ended, but not the sobbing.
I looked at my brother, hoping for a little backup. “This is all yours dude,” he whispered, shaking his head.
I waited for Mer to get most of it out of her system before I spoke to her. “Sweetheart. This nummie has told us too much. We now know his plans and can prepare for them. Judging from what we have observed of this band of imbeciles so far, I really do think that we have a chance to get away from them, and it is a pretty good one, too.”
“Your father is right, Meredith. So, what’s the plan, Ron?”
“I’m working on it.”
Gary and Meredith sounded like Abbott and Costello together, “Fuuuuck”.
Morning came quicker than I had wished. When our friend from the night before came to get us, I told him I needed to get to the Suburban for my meds that I absolutely had to take every morning. He offered to walk out there with me while Gary and Meredith stayed in the room. Honestly, I couldn’t fathom how was it that so many people had been killed and these ninnies were still alive.
When I got to the Suburban, I rummaged around looking for my “meds” and had no trouble palming my lockpick set from the glovie. Easy peasy.
I made a show of finding a bottle of ibuprofen and shook it at him so he couldn’t see the label before popping a couple of them. I really did need them, too. My head was still throbbing from Gary’s love tap, which I would deal with once circumstances improved. We headed back to our prison cell and the first part of my plan was complete.
We were marched out together to stand in front of their gang camp, such as it was. Looked like it had been an old American Legion post at one time. As Fearless Leader had told us, we were locked into some shortened horse hobbles and you really couldn’t move much faster than an oversized snail in them. We got shoved into the back seat of the Suburban by ourselves. Seemed like they were going out of their way to make our escape as easy as possible. Nothing like an overconfident idiot to try one’s patience. I made sure Mer was between Gary and me, and off we went for the nearest Walmart.
None of us had any idea how far away it was so I had to work quickly. I coughed and acted like I had dropped something on the floor, reached down as if to get it, and had Mer’s hobbles unlocked just about the time she realized what I was doing.
I unlocked my own and then passed the tool to Gary. He was even quicker then I was.
“No wonder my room was always missing so much stuff,” I murmured.
He smiled and said, “You know, it wasn’t always me. Glenn and Mike used to take a lot of your stuff too.” That was supposed to make it better?
I whispered to Mer to move extra slowly when she got out to be sure and not show that the hobbles were unlocked. Her return look was withering; shut me right down.
It was beginning to look like The Little Rascals had pulled this stunt before; must have worked for them if they were doing it again. They marched us into Walmart. All I needed now to push my nerves over the top was a zombie greeter snapping her jaws
in the entryway and passing out smiley-face stickers.
We were set up a few feet from each other and pushed down on our knees, execution style–not my favorite position.
All except our guard went to herd the Walbies to our killing spot. Most unfortunately, the zombies didn’t really need any herding. You could already hear the scraping from across the aisles, moving slowly, but always getting closer. Man, talk about having to wait to die. Even though we knew when the time was right we would break for it, it still sucked big time.
At last, one of them rounded the corner. The rifleman that was guarding us didn’t seem like he wanted to watch the butchery that was about to begin anymore than we wanted to be a part of it and told us to get up and try to last as long as we could. He had fifteen minutes in the betting pool and thought we had a chance to make that if we tried really hard. Asshole! He turned his back on us a for a moment to get a visual recon on where he wanted to do his own looting in a few minutes and that was all I needed.
My .32 has a fairly short pistol range, but I did have a full magazine of five shots. The first one took him in the leg, the second in the arm and his rifle went flying. Gary was out of his hobbles and going for the rifle. As the soon to be ex-guard got turned around to face us again, the third shot drilled him in the throat. I had no trouble at all enjoying a moment to watch him gurgle the remainder of his life out onto the tiles.
So, now we were hobble-free, one full rifle and one almost empty .32, and we were together. Things were looking up.
My dear brother says, “I knew you would grab your pick set when you went for your ‘medicine,’ but I forgot that the gun was also in there. Way to go, man!” I was basking in the glory of praise from Gary when he buzzkilled the whole moment. “It took you three shots to take him out, though. What a waste of good ammo.”
All I could say in return was, “Hide now, fuck you up later. Meredith, make your way out to the Chevy. Let’s hope they left the keys in the ignition. Be careful, sweetheart. Get in and stay low until Gary and I can join you.” She nodded and started her own journey toward escape. “Gary, get down to the end cap. I’m pretty sure that was Herrrbert in the next aisle. I want to lure him to you, then you can settle up with him as he comes around your corner. Save a small piece of him for me if you can.”
