by Ron Tufo
I ran over to Herbie’s aisle and yelled “zombies!” from behind him where he could hear but not see me. I only hoped that none of the other Bowery boys were close enough to see what was going down. Predictably, Herbie took off toward Gary’s spot around the corner. Next thing I heard was a charming, meaty “Thwack” as Gary kissed him with a baseball bat, a thirty-four point five inch Louisville Slugger, David Ortiz model from the sports equipment department, no less.
Our little antagonist was laid out on the floor, gasping for air through a crushed larynx. I took away his pain. The odds were getting better.
No other zombies or bad guys were in sight for a moment. I was counting on the possibility that all the gang members thought it was just one or more of their compatriots shooting zombies and there was nothing else to be concerned about.
“Gary, I would love to stay and show these gentlemen some real Talbot hospitality, but I fear we may have already overstayed our welcome.”
“You know, for once, I do agree with your tactical plan, big brother. Shall we make our exit?”
We almost made a clean getaway! We got all the way to the front of the store before we were seen. Gary and I both ran for the Chevy and Mer mashed the accelerator. Without a doubt, she is the best of my kids behind the wheel. I have seen her handle Maine snow storms with ease. She got everything she could out of the Suburban, but the bad guys were reacting quicker than I had hoped they would and were already piling into their pickups before we were out of sight. Damn, I was counting on getting out of vision range before the chase was on.
We made it to the highway and that powerful Chevy V8 was putting more distance between us and what was left of the Burrillville Furburgers every second. The gas gauge had been bouncing on empty for a while now, but in every car I ever owned that meant you were just down to your last couple gallons. Right? I figured long before we were completely out of gas we could lose the losers.
Boy, when I fuck up I do not do it half assed. No sooner had I completed the thought then the first engine sputter grunted out. “Shit! Shit! And Double Shit!” Everyone wore their best grimace.
We lost speed quickly when the gas starved engine failed. Meredith had the presence of mind to put the shifter into neutral to get every last inch of distance. There was just no cover anywhere in sight. We would have to shoot it out with the SUV as our fort. This did not make me happy on a whole bunch of levels, not the least of which was that some pencil-necked dweebs with guns would be shooting at my Suburban. We were far enough ahead to lock and load our guns, get the doors open for cover and watch them close on us. I felt like Davy Crockett must have felt at the Alamo. Small adobe fort, not many guns or as many fighters to shoot them as you would want, and the entire Mexican army waiting outside really, really, pissed that you are holding them up.
I was only seconds from giving the word to fire when they started to slow down and began the same preparations on their end. Not complete goobers, anyway. Behind them, I could just make out a dot of something moving on the highway, coming up fast. Didn’t have the time to pay much attention to it as their first shot took out the passenger side window.
Gary and I both returned fire and one of them went down grabbing a knee. “Got him!” cried Gary.
“Bullshit, That was my shot. I saw yours hit the door on the other side!”
“Nice try, bro, but I’ll bet you beers it was mine. I don’t even know if that popgun you are using goes that far.”
That speck I saw was still advancing; looked like a flying tank from this far away.
Another shot took out a tire on the Chevy. I was really not liking where this was going. Gary had hit yet another one, and I made a move to drop the AR-15 in the back of the truck and reach for my dad’s elephant gun, the 30.06. I turned around to get it and Meredith had it in her hands, all ready for me. I smiled at my #2 daughter and gave her a quick peck on the forehead. Proud of her as I was, this was one time I wished she was not with me.
That flying tank was now a big semi, sans trailer. It couldn’t have been more than a couple hundred feet from the back of the bad guys when the driver punched the accelerator for all it was worth. The front end of the truck came clear off the ground and it took off like it had a moon rocket strapped to its fifth wheel. It smashed head on into the rear of one of the trucks they were shooting from and a couple of bad guys just…disintegrated. I mean, one second they were there, next second they were never there. The big rig continued on to our location like nothing happened. It pulled up beside us and the driver leaned out the window. Before one of us could get “Thank you” past our stunned lips, she smiled and drawled out a big “You’re Welcome.”
I took a long look at her three-foot long blue dreadlocks. It took me a minute, but I put it together at last.
“Miss, your name wouldn’t by any chance be Nikkiye, would it?” Now it was her turn to look stunned. I seem to have that effect on people, though not always in a good way.
Just from her look I knew I was right and thrashed forward with, “I know you. Well, I don’t really know you, but I know you. You saved my daughter Melissa’s life back in Massachusetts not too long ago.”
“I do remember that sweet girl and her boyfriend. That was the first time any of us had crossed with the zombies. How are they?”
“Melissa is well. Andrew didn’t make it.” I did not feel any need to elaborate. It still hurt too much to talk about.
“I am sorry about that. They seemed like a lifelong couple.” She jerked her thumb backward and said, “I ran into these lowlifes last week and when I saw them chasing you out of the Walmart lot, I figured I would break my route and tag along. Glad I did. Look, I would love to stay and chat, but I am beginning to run a fever and my gut is rebelling. I want to get to my sister’s home before dark so we can all lock up for the night. Tell your daughter I said hi.”
The big Freightliner slowly geared away. The jerks in the vehicle that didn’t get atomized were just psyching themselves up for some revenge.
From the looks of it, they were going to do a drive-by on us. Well, let them come. The odds were about dead even. Gary could take out a tire before they got too close and then it would be fish in a barrel.
They did the usual macho engine revving; I guess it was a psyche out move on their part. Stupid is as stupid does. I could tell by the angle of Gary’s rifle, he was already drawing a bead on the left front wheel. When that tire went, it would drag them away from us instead of into our spot. If the rollover didn’t break all their necks or flip them clear out of their truck, we could pick them off at leisure.
The sound of growling tires behind us took my attention off our enemy for a second. Nikkiye had spun her semi’s direction one hundred-eighty degrees like a go-kart and was aiming straight back for us. What the hell? Same act as before; the huge Freightliner‘s front wheels were airborne as she flew by us. Her right front wheel went straight through the cab of the pickup and out the back window. I think she decapitated everyone on that side of the truck. It looked more like a distorted convertible now than a pickup truck and was stopped dead on the road. Her semi settled back onto four wheels, went forward only another few feet and then came to a stop.
With a quick yell to Meredith to cover us, Gary and I ran right past the bad guys. If any of them were still alive, they were way past wanting to fight any more. I climbed up on her cab and opened Nikkiye’s door to help her out only to find she wasn’t all there. Slumped over the steering wheel was a girl, but only from the neck down. A head-sized hole in the windshield told the story. Her body had morphed from a vibrant, healthy, living human girl into a parody of ugly, blighted colors of meat left too long in the sun. Good God Almighty, she was alive just five minutes ago.
Gary followed the trajectory of her skull and found it about fifty feet up the road with dreadlocks still attached. The impact had simply ripped it from her torso.
This time we both hunched over at the same instant and lost what we could of our last meal. We
were walking back past her cab when we heard a wretched canine whine. Gary, who would do just about anything to save an injured animal, jumped up and opened the door. The sight was pitiful. There was a small dog, pitifully whining and trying to hide under the front seat. Without so much as a glance at each other we knew we would have an extra passenger for the ride home. Gary reached up and gently removed the little pooch. The dog cuddled into Gary’s arms. It has been quite awhile since I have seen my brother cry. Truth be known, I was tearing up too.
There were two Burrillville Boogers still alive in the pickup. Both were moaning and one was conscious enough to know we were there. The conscious one was the guy who’d fed us the night before, and although he was dumb as old dirt, when I looked at him through my gunsite he gave me the nod to take him out. Might be an idiot, but he was a brave idiot. Got to respect that. I shot him first.
So here we were, in the middle of an empty highway, surrounded by dead people (never a good thing) and no gas. No smiling Rhode Island State Trooper was going to come and help us today. The longer we were here, the more likely bad things were going to start happening again.
I turned to Meredith and smirked. By now, she had determined that Sane Daddy was no longer around.
I looked at my brother, who had probably drawn the same conclusion, and proclaimed loudly, ”I wonder if the Master packed a gas siphon.”
“I was wondering what that small package was when I dug out the extra winch cable.” Gary started emptying the trunk like a little kid on Christmas morning. Meredith and I were not going to get near him for fear of getting hit with the stuff he was tossing out of the trunk.
“Eureka!”
“No way he said Eureka! That dummy doesn’t even know how to spell Eureka!” Meredith got a big chuckle while Gary held his syphon-filled fist high in the air.
I solemnly bowed my head and with priestly aplomb, asked us all to “Join in praise to the High Master of Survival Paranoia. Long may he live!”
“Meredith, I know how badly we all want to get home, but are there any other places you think your sister could be?”
“Dad, I have been thinking about that since we didn’t find her at the tavern. I’m sorry, but no, I don’t. I mean there’s probably a hundred places. She could be at another friend’s house I don’t know about. She could be somewhere with Dan and his friends, but I’ve got no idea where they could be. I’m sorry.”
I hugged her hard and let her know that not finding Melanie on this trip was never her fault; we’d come to look wherever we knew to look, and we had. We aimed the Suburban north and headed home.
The Voyage Home
Well, a double dumbass on you. - Captain Kirk, Star Trek: The Voyage Home
Fueled up, tire changed, and on the road again. I would have loved to pull into a roadside fast food joint and gotten a burger. Then again, not so sure what a burger would consist of these days. Yeah, maybe I’ll pass.
“Hey Mer, would you rummage around in the back and see what kind of provisions we still have? I’m really kind of hungry.”
Gary piped in with, “Sure. We could all use something to eat. There’s nothing like a good hobble breaking, baseball batting, gun fighting, truck splattering, head rolling morning to work up an appetite!”
And, just like that, I am not so hungry anymore. Sometimes I really wish my brother was not so descriptive at the wrong times.
“The only things back here are the ones you marked ‘Do Not Eat Under Penalty Of Severe Stomach Cramps.”’ Those would be the ones Aunty Lyn packed.”
“Yeah, I figured if we needed something for zombie bait, they would be ideal. At least then we could tell Lyn: “Sis, we didn’t get to eat them because we gave them to some folks who really needed the food. They seemed to enjoy everything.” Wouldn’t be a lie.
“Hey Dad, if we see a small Mom and Pop store let’s do a smash and grab. That way we don’t have to worry about surprising any zombies in a big store.”
“And you would know how to do a smash and grab because…” Silence from the backseat and no more questions from the front. I really did not want any more information on my daughter’s criminal knowledge base.
The next couple of hours of our drive north were refreshingly pleasant. I thought to myself: No zombies, no dimwitted gangs and especially no Indian ghosts. Life is good! Why? Why do I fucking do that? I should know by now that fate has a special category just for me and just kind of hangs around until I am feeling pretty good about things. We were coming up on our famous Boston Rockthrower’s Bridge. From a distance, Gary could just make out some movement on top of it. Seems my thoughts of not crossing paths with any more dimwitted morons was just a pipe dream.
“Gary, Mer, I am going to drive up just like they weren’t there. Follow my lead, okay? Mer, give Gary a couple of Lyn’s smaller containers. Gary, you still have that bullhorn you grabbed from Herbie the WonderNozzle? Crank that sucker up and give it to me.”
I stopped the car just outside the range of rock throwing distance, opened my door and let them know we had seen them.
“Hey Bozos, you don’t ever get it, do you? Well, I am tired and hungry and want get back to my family so we are not going to fuck around today. Listen closely, this lesson will not be repeated it and it will be on the final exam.” With the bullhorn still on for the benefit of the Bridge Boys, I turned just a little toward Gary and calmly asked, “Bro, we still have two grenades left, right? Can you reach from here or do you want me to move a little closer? What was that? Piece of cake little league throw? Mahhhhvelouss!
“Mer, are the electronic fuse timers all set to eight seconds? Wouldn’t be good for them to be thrown back at us. Mahhhhhvelous again. You don’t think they are too strong, do you? We wouldn’t want to blow the bridge up completely, now would we?
“OK, gentlemen, the final exam begins in fifteen seconds, just as soon as my brother stretches his arms a bit.” Gary picked up on that and started limbering up like a funny old baseball pitcher. What a ham!
I started to give them the final five seconds of the countdown and before I got to the number three, a loud “Okay! Okay! We’ve seen what you guys can do already. We are leaving for good.”
“Fuck you,” I said under my breath, “I am enjoying myself.” I then whispered to Mer and Gary, “As soon as you throw that one, get back in the car and we are gone.”
“Sorry, gentlemen,” I bullhorned. “I don’t believe that you really understood today’s lesson. Bombs away, brother!” Even the dog was barking his approval of this action plan.
The pitter patter of little feet running for the end of the bridge was a fucking riot. They were well and truly scared pissless. I never for a moment thought that my little ruse would cure them of their rock throwing habit for good, but we would be long gone before they realized they had just been pelted with toxic waste and not with a high-powered explosive. Come to think of it, they may wish it was an explosive, at least then their little fort would only need to be swept out, not bleached, hosed down, and scanned with a Geiger counter.
We came out from the underside of the bridge laughing loudly and flashing three high and proud Boston Salutes. Gary turned to me and remarked, “You really are an evil little man, you know that don’t you?”
“Why Gary, that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me!”
Just like on the ride down, the next bunch of miles were unencumbered. Usually I enjoyed a quiet ride, gave me time be a bit introspective; to process any thoughts, issues, or problems that are part of my life at any given moment. Too bad that this time it only gave me more time to think about the failure of our mission. We still didn’t even have a clue as to where Melanie was or what may have happened to her. Nancy was not going to take this news well. I couldn’t fault her at all.
“Hey! You made it! I had my doubts. Slow down a bit, will you? It’s kind of a bitch trying to keep up.” I knew that voice even if I couldn’t see him yet from the hatchback. I mashed the gas pedal to the floor
to see if I could keep him off me.
“Wheee! You do know if you hit anything it is not going to hurt me. And my traveling fog bank is all gone for the moment, so I am with you now whether you like it or not. I am sorry I couldn’t give you more info about what you were getting into, but the spirits were murky this time.”
“Sure, just like all other times they were so fucking clear and concise?”
Somewhere outside my head, I heard Gary say to Mer, “Hang on kiddo, here he goes again.”
“Gee, that’s the thanks I get for passing along what I get for information. Look, bucko, I don’t have any choice in this, either. You think my idea of a good time is hanging off the back of speeding black demons and talking to sarcastic white men?”
“So, what gems of indispensable knowledge that are going to save the world do you have for me this time, oh possessed and enlightened one? I am your humble and loyal servant.”
“See, now that’s exactly what I’m talking about. You just don’t make this easy. There a lot of changes going on back in Maine. Some are good, depending on your perspective, and you will see them right away. Some may be very bad and you will not see them for a while yet. Keep your eyes open to the little things or you will miss the bigger ones.”
“Look Chiefy, I'll make this real easy for you. Go the fuck away. Go bother some other poor schmuck. I really do have enough problems to work out.”
