by Sarra Cannon
He closes his eyes, and I suddenly feel guilty for yelling at him. It isn’t his fault Daddy is sick, but I’m so mad I can’t think clearly. Everything has started falling apart, and I can feel my whole world spinning out of control. I don’t know what to do or how to deal with it all.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I fucked up.”
“Yes, you did,” I say. “Which, as it turns out, is not all that rare for you, is it?”
“What?” he says.
I regret my angry words immediately. I don’t mean them, but I don’t know how to take them back. I don’t know how to stop it. I just want someone to take all this out on, and he’s the one standing here.
“I knew I never should have gotten involved with another bartender,” I say, pulling away from his grip and pacing in the storeroom. “You guys with your flirty ways and your one-night-stands. You’re all the same, and I knew it right from the start. How could I be so stupid?”
“Jo—”
“No, just stop it,” I say. “You said you wanted to know what happened that made me so guarded all these years? That asshole out there? He used to work here, just like you. He used to flirt with all the girls and flash his pretty smile. I know he doesn’t look like much now, but he used to be so handsome and charming, and when I was a teenager, I thought he was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.”
I can’t stop myself now, tears flowing freely down my face as I walk back and forth.
“I was only fifteen years old, but because this was a family business I was allowed to come in to the bar and do my homework, help out sweeping the floors, stuff like that,” I say. “Bryan worked the bar most nights, and even though he was twenty-five and much older than I was, he started paying attention to me in a way no guy ever had before. I was young and stupid, thinking that I was falling in love and that it would be so romantic to have an older boyfriend who worked at my daddy’s bar. I used to come in and flirt with him and he’d come sit at the back booth with me when my daddy wasn’t working, telling me all about his life, making it sound so dangerous and fun.”
Colton just stands there, listening, his arms at his side.
“Then one day he asks me to come to a party with him. A grownup kind of party,” I say. Shame flares up my spine thinking about how stupid I was back then. “I lied to my dad and told him I was spending the night with a friend. I went to that party, and Bryan got me drunk. Told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend but that we’d have to keep anything that happened between us secret. He told me that he’d had dreams about us running away together, and that he was falling in love with me. And I was so stupid. I believed every word. He told me that if I’d sleep with him, it would truly make me his and would show that we were in love.”
“Oh, God, Jo,” Colton says.
But I keep going before he can judge me or say another word.
“So I did it,” I say. “And not just once. I started going to his parties, hanging out with the older crowd, getting drunk and high on the weekends while my dad thought I was at a sleepover. I thought I was so grown up and special.”
I shake my head, a bitter taste of regret in my mouth.
“I got pregnant,” I say. “I’ll never forget that day. I’d missed at least two periods already, but I didn’t really think about it, I guess. Not until a friend said something about hers. So I stole a test from the drug store and brought it home while my dad was at work. And you know the worst part? I was actually dumb enough to be excited when those two pink lines showed up.”
“I had no idea,” Colton says. He steps toward me, but I lift my hands up to stop him. I don’t want him to come any closer.
“I thought that with a baby on the way, Bryan would ask me to marry him,” I say. “We could really run away together. I had something like five hundred dollars saved from birthday money and Christmas, and I thought that was a lot back then.”
I laugh and wipe the tears from my cheek. I can’t even look at Colton. I haven’t told anyone about this, ever. My father and the sheriff and Bryan are the only ones who know. It’s difficult to talk about, but I need Colton to understand. I need him to know why I’m so broken and messed up.
“I waited a few weeks to tell Bryan about the baby. I think part of me was scared, even then. He’d been spending less time with me, always putting me off when I asked about parties. He said he had to work late or was too tired, but I refused to see the truth,” I say. “I used to daydream about how things might be. Our little family. I was so stupid.”
I pause, catching my breath.
“One night when he wasn’t working, I walked ten blocks to his apartment, smiling the whole way, the test tucked into a plastic bag in my backpack. He’d been drinking, hanging out with some friends. He looked angry when he opened the door, and it scared me, but I thought the baby would make everything alright.”
I reach out to grab the silver bar of one of the racks in the storeroom, needing something to keep me standing so my knees didn’t give out from under me. These are my most painful memories, and they are pouring out of me like ghosts that have haunted my life for years.
“He wouldn’t let me come into his place,” I say. “He said his friends didn’t need to see me. To be honest, I think now that he must have had another girl over. So I stood out on the porch of his third-story apartment and showed him the test. I wanted him to be happy, but he got so mad. He called me a whore and told me there was no way the baby could be his. I tried to tell him that I’d never been with anyone else, but he just got so angry. I told him I needed his help, that I didn’t know what to do. He started yelling at me, and I started crying. Then he hit me.”
I lift my hand to my cheek, still able to remember the way the back of his hand felt against my bones.
“I fell down the metal steps outside his apartment,” I say softly.
Colton moves toward me, and before I can stop him, he puts his arms around me. I feel his tears fall against my hair and onto my cheek.
“I tried to make it home, but I started bleeding and it just wouldn’t stop,” I say. “The sheriff found me passed out on the sidewalk about two blocks from the bar. It was late and Dad had called them in, saying I never made it home from school. They took me to the hospital, but I’d already lost the baby.”
I don’t have the energy to push Colton away. I sink into him, letting my tears flow. Tears for my lost youth. My own naive stupidity back then. Tears for my father and how much hell I put him through all those years ago. How much he’s done to get my life back on track since.
None of it is fair, and my heart is breaking all over again.
I pull away after a while, sniffling and trying to catch my breath.
“Daddy wanted to press charges, of course,” I say. “But I begged him not to. If he did that, the whole town would know what happened to me, and I just couldn’t face it. So he fired Bryan and threatened to turn him in if he didn’t get the hell out of town. So he left, and I spent the next few years just trying to be whole again. That’s why I’ve never dated anyone else or opened my heart to any other man. It’s too scary, Colton. It’s too dangerous.”
“I’m sorry,” he says again. “I had no idea that’s what happened, and I’m sorry you went through all that. I can’t even imagine how tough it is to see him in town again. What are we going to do? Are you going to tell the cops?”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to dredge all that up again,” I say. “Not with everything that’s going on with Dad right now.”
“I understand, but you can’t have him attacking you, either,” he says. “He should be in jail.”
“It’s too late to bring charges for what happened back then, but I can press charges for the attack,” I say. “I’ll figure it out tomorrow. Right now, I just want to go home and crawl into bed. It’s been a long day.”
“I’ll walk you home,” he says. “Do you want me to stay with you for a while?”
I look up at him, tears clouding my vision. I realize
I simply can’t do this. I’m too tired. Too scared.
“Colton, I think it’s better if we cooled things off for a while, okay?”
“What?” he asks.
I shake my head, fresh tears falling down my cheeks. “Right now I need to be focused on my dad,” I say. “You’re just a distraction right now. And to be honest, I’m not sure I can depend on you after today.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying it’s over.” I look away, unable to face him. I don’t want it to end this way, but I don’t know how it can continue. My heart is already so broken and raw, and I need to be strong for my father. I can’t keep my heart open to Colton, too. I just can’t do it.
“You don’t really mean that,” he says, taking my hand.
I pull away, sobs choking me. “I do,” I say. “I don’t have room for this in my life right now. I need people I can depend on. Not another bartender boyfriend who’s just going to hurt me all over again.”
He steps back, as if I’ve just punched him in the gut.
“Is that really what you think of me? You think I’m like him?” He points toward the door.
I shake my head, not knowing what to say. I don’t know how to do this.
“If that’s what you think of me, then you don’t have to say anything else,” he says. “I love you, Jo, but what I need in my life is someone who believes in me. I thought you were that person, but now I see you’re not. You never were.”
He walks away, slamming the store room door behind him. I lean against the wall, sliding down until my butt hits the floor. I cradle my face in my hands, letting all the tears I’ve held back for years flow out of me like a river of sorrow. A river of regret.
Chapter Forty
My heart is breaking as I step out into the night. The cops are out back with Bryan in cuffs. He’s leaning against the side of the police car, his shirt stained with blood.
I really don’t want to deal with this right now, but the officer on duty wants to talk to me about what happened. Jo’s dad comes out of the house, but I don’t have a chance to talk to him. He rushes inside to find Jo.
I tell the officer everything that happened, scared that they might try to charge me with assault.
Jo comes out, though, her face streaked red with tears. Seeing her out here like this, dealing once again with a man who broke her heart into pieces when she was just a child, makes me so angry and sad I don’t know what to do.
I love her with all of my heart, and all I want is for her to be happy and to feel safe.
I want to talk to her when the cops are done questioning me, but she’s already gone inside with her dad when they drive away, Bryan in the back.
I walk alone to my apartment, feeling empty.
Maybe she’s right. Maybe she would be better off without me in her life right now. She doesn’t need me to screw things up, not when her father’s life is on the line.
Without even thinking about it, I get my bag from the closet and begin filling it with my clothes. I pack up everything I own into a single duffel and a box, realizing that this is what my life amounts to right now. I’ve disappointed everyone I love in one way or another.
Jo needed me to be there for her today more than anything, and just like I did with my grandfather, I missed it. I forgot about the most important appointment they’ve had so far, and I wasn’t there when she needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to share her fears.
She’s better off without me.
They all are.
At two, when I hear the band’s bus pull up, my mind is made. I’m going with them.
I set the note I’ve written on the counter in the kitchen and take one last look around the apartment.
Maybe it was stupid to hope that I could make something of my life. That I could be someone important. I know now that being a man has nothing to do with what kind of job you have or how much money you make. It means being there for the people who depend on you. The people who love you.
I couldn't do that for her, so instead, I’ll give her this last gift. If I’m nothing more than a distraction, I’ll take myself out of the equation and get out of her life. It’s the best thing I know to do for both her and her father.
I grab my bags and my guitar and head out to the curb where the bus is waiting. Willow and the guys cheer as I step onto the bus, but I feel numb. Hollowed out.
I swipe at a tear on my cheek as I look back at Jo’s house and the bar that’s come to be my home, not sure that anything in my life will ever matter as much as these past few months with her.
Chapter Forty-One
Colton is gone. I woke up this morning to go apologize, realizing that I’d made a huge mistake yelling at him the way I did. I want to explain to him that it had just been a hard day and that I wasn’t thinking straight.
But the apartment is empty. I find a note on the kitchen counter, written sometime in the middle of the night.
Dearest Jo,
Words cannot express just how much these past few months together have meant to me. I have never known a woman with such fire and determination and loyalty. I can honestly say that I’m a better man for having loved you.
The last thing I would ever want is to hurt you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me most. You see, I realize now that I’m not good enough for a woman like you. You deserve so much more, and I hope with all my heart that you find that someday.
Long Road Ahead asked me to go back on tour with them, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to give you the space that you want and need.
Please give your father my love and tell him I said to keep fighting. If anyone can beat this, it’s Rob.
And please know that no matter how many miles there are between us over the next few months, I will never stop thinking of you.
I will never stop loving you.
Yours,
Colton
Part of me wants to rip it into shreds and stomp the pieces into the ground. Losing him has ripped my heart from my chest, and I don’t know how I’ll ever get over him.
But part of me knows it’s my own fault. I asked him to open up to me, but I never was able to do the same for him. Not really. Somewhere deep inside, my walls were still up, just waiting for a chance to break things off before I let him hurt me. So instead, I ended up hurting myself. Pushing away the one man I ever truly loved.
Over the next few weeks, I throw myself into researching ALS. I study everything I can find in the library on campus and on the internet. I talk to specialists and with Knox’s help and money, arrange appointments from Atlanta to New York.
I hire a few new bartenders to help out so that I can spend more time with my father, and Knox is sweet enough to help manage the place in our absence. I miss Colton every single day, wondering what he’s up to out on the road and if he’s happier there. Every time one of the band’s songs plays on the radio, I have to turn it off for fear of my heart breaking all over again.
Bryan spent a few nights in jail and then left town. I hope he never comes back, and I will never forgive him for hurting me again. Not once, but twice. And the second time, he played a part in me losing the best thing that ever happened to me.
I regret my words to Colton that night. Telling him that he was nothing more than a bartender. He’s so much more than that. He didn’t deserve that from me, and I hope that someday I get the chance to tell him that.
Time passes faster than I want it to, and I do everything I can to spend as much of it with my daddy now when he’s still walking and talking and smiling. He’s in such good spirits, determined to live life to the fullest. He talks about taking a trip to see the Grand Canyon, something he’s wanted to do his whole life and just never took the time to do.
“No regrets, Jojo,” he says with a smile. “I have no idea how much time I have left on this earth, but I’m going to make the most of it.”
I love that man more than words can say, and I try not to think too much about wha
t the coming months or years may bring. I try to stay in the moment and live each day as it comes. Some are harder than others.
But without Colton, it’s hard to have no regrets. I’ve lost him, and I will never forgive myself for that.
Chapter Forty-Two
A chance of a lifetime. That’s what the band keeps saying about this opportunity to tour with one of the biggest country bands. We’ve been traveling all over the south for the past couple weeks, the band opening almost every night to a sold out crowd.
I know it’s a great opportunity for them, and I should be grateful to be here sharing it with them. This is a part of life that most people never get to see. A true behind-the-scenes look at fame in the making.
But it’s hollow for me. Empty without her.
I stand in the wings watching the band as they finish up their set, but all I can think about is home. What is she up to tonight? How is her dad doing these days? Have they gotten any answers?
I spent some time online looking up ALS, and it broke my heart. I want nothing more than to be there for her now. I know that her father is everything to her, and the news that she’s going to lose him someday to this terrible disease has to be tearing her apart.
I know that Rob is a fighter, though, and he’ll never give up. He’ll never stop looking for a cure or a way to live life to the fullest. I just wish I could be there to witness his strength. His journey. I wish I could be a part of their lives, no matter how tough the days ahead might be.
There are days I think about going home. Telling her I’m sorry and that I want to make things right between us. That I want a chance to prove to her that I could be the man she needs.
But I’m scared.
I don’t want to hurt her any more than I already have, and if she doesn’t want me in her life, I don’t want to push her. I just want her to be happy and safe.
