“WHERE the heck am I?” I wondered.
I reached into the darkness and felt my coat, my backpack, my journal, and . . .
FOUR METAL WALLS?!
Suddenly all the memories came flooding back to me.
After school. Thug. Locker. Darkness. Janitor. Mop. More darkness . . .
THREE-DAY WEEKEND!
“NOOOOO!!!” I moaned. “Please let this be just a NIGHTMARE!”
But it WASN’T a bad dream. It was my REALITY. I was STILL trapped inside my locker and waiting to be rescued!!
UNLESS . . .
I closed my eyes and considered a horribly morbid thought.
Could I possibly . . . already be . . . DEAD?!
Sure, I felt a little achy, but I didn’t feel . . . dead.
Although, I couldn’t be sure, since I’d never been, you know, dead before.
I shifted into a more comfortable position and then wiggled my toes to help relieve the intense cramping in my legs.
Actually, muscle cramps were a very bad sign. I’d read somewhere that a corpse could have a weird, intense muscle spasm and suddenly sit straight up.
YIKES!! Like, how FREAKY would THAT be at your great-grandaunt’s funeral?! But HOW could I be dead when I still felt so . . . ALIVE?!
UNLESS . . .
I had an even MORE horribly morbid thought as chills ran down my spine.
What if I had already DIED inside my locker and come back as a . . .
ZOMBIE?!!
NOOOOOO!! (I was NOT happy about this!)
Well, one thing was for sure. Being UNDEAD was definitely NOT going to help my nonexistent social life or improve my really CRUDDY rep. . . .
ME, AS A ZOMBIE, HAVING LUNCH IN THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA
I’ve seen the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE movies 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7. And, basically, zombies are just mean, ugly, rotten people. No pun intended.
That’s when I had to ask myself a really deep, philosophical question.
Do I STILL need to worry about Thug actually KILLING me if I’m a ZOMBIE and I’m ALREADY dead?
NOPE!! SWEET!
Which meant the next time Thug rolled up on me, I wouldn’t have to be worried about him knocking me into tomorrow.
And I’d finally be able to squash our beef once and for all.
HOW?
I’d simply rip off a body part that I don’t really need (like an ear or a thumb) and just hand it to him and watch him totally FREAK!! . . .
ME, AS ZOMBIE MAX, SQUASHING THE BEEF WITH THUG!
Maybe my life as a zombie wouldn’t be so bad after all. I was so inspired I decided to write a rap:
***************************
MESSAGE FROM A MIDDLE SCHOOL ZOMBIE
I’m a zombie rapper, as you can see,
cursed to rock the mic for all eternity.
Although I’m undead, my rhymes are hot,
because unlike my corpse, my skills don’t rot.
So don’t be skurd. Don’t tremble and shake.
Yes, I eat human flesh like it’s birthday cake.
My eyes are sunken. My heart is like stone.
But I ONLY commit MURDER on the microphone!
My swagger is huge! My ego is chunky!
And my rotting smell? No joke, it’s funky!
But the girls still love me! They scream and cry,
“OMG! It’s a zombie! I’m too CUTE to DIE!”
Flies buzz all around me, and I’m dribbling drool.
But believing in myself is what makes ME cool!
Fitting in with the crowd was my only crave
in the life that I had before my cold, dark grave.
Listen up! If you seek, then you will find
YOU possess power that’ll BLOW your mind!
Be true to YOURSELF when life gets INSANE!
I didn’t get this smart from just eating brains!
I’m Zombie Max! My words cut like a knife.
I’ll SLAY you first! Then I’ll give you LIFE!
***************************
WHOA!! I think this rap is actually kind of deep.
Who would have thought this zombie stuff would be so empowering?
Well, the GOOD news is that I’m pretty sure I’m NOT a zombie. WHY?
Because I hadn’t had anything to eat since lunchtime, I was practically starving and my stomach was growling like a T. rex.
But I wasn’t craving HUMAN FLESH at all! All I could think about was a juicy burger and a hot, cheesy double-sausage pizza.
However, the BAD news was that I could now add DYING OF STARVATION to my long list of personal problems.
That’s when I suddenly remembered . . . !!
I felt along the bottom of my locker until I hit the jackpot!
It was a small plastic bag with three stale gingersnap cookies my grandma had made for me the first day of school. Her cookies were always as hard as a rock and tasted like cinnamon-sprinkled hockey pucks.
I had just tossed them inside my locker only because I was too lazy to walk down the hall to the trash can twenty feet away.
Anyway, I snarfed down every last crumb of those doggy biscuits like they were my favorite warm, freshly baked double chocolate chip cookies.
Dude! These were the best NASTY-TASTING cookies I’d ever eaten in my ENTIRE life!
Thanks to my little nap and not-so-yummy snack, I had a burst of energy and optimism.
Maybe there was a way out of my locker after all.
I just had to find it. AND FAST!
Apparently, I WASN’T a half-rotted ZOMBIE (yet, anyway)!
But I’d been cooped up in my hot, stuffy locker for so long that I was definitely starting to SMELL like one. FOR REAL!
17. JUST KICKIN’ IT!
I turned on my flashlight and carefully examined every single square inch of my locker.
The door and two side walls were made of heavy-duty sheet metal held together with screws and brackets.
However, the back wall panel was fairly thin.
This made sense, since the lockers were up against a wall in the hallway.
That’s when I excitedly came up with a brilliant plan! Escaping from my locker would be a PIECE OF CAKE and take me barely five minutes . . .
If ONLY I had the right POWER TOOLS!!
But, unfortunately, my mom HADN’T stuffed a blowtorch, electric screwdriver, and jackhammer into my backpack along with my PB and J sandwich. . . .
IF ONLY MOM HAD PACKED SOME POWER TOOLS ALONG WITH MY LUNCH!!
Which meant that I was pretty much STUCK inside my locker for another . . .
*Doing the math inside my head*
EIGHTY-THREE MORE HOURS!
FOR REAL?!!!!!!
There was NO WAY I was going to last another eighty-three hours!
All my energy and optimism gushed out of me like air from a deflating balloon and was quickly replaced with anger and frustration.
That’s when I totally lost it and kicked the back wall.
BAM!!!
I kicked it REALLY hard. Unfortunately, SO hard I was afraid I had broken my ding-dang foot.
OWWW!!!
That’s when I heard a strange sound.
And NO! It WASN’T me sobbing from the intense pain in my foot. It was more like cracking and crumbling.
And NO! It wasn’t the sound of broken and crushed bones in my foot, smarty-pants!
So I kicked it even harder with my other foot and then put my ear up against the back panel.
It sounded like old drywall crumbling and falling.
COULD THIS BE A WAY OUT OF MY LOCKER?!!!
With renewed hope, I kept kicking the back panel as hard as I could.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Several screws popped loose from the side walls and dropped to the floor.
Even though I was sweating like a pig and both of my feet throbbed with pain, I kept at it.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
I kicked that panel like it was Thug’s BUTT!!
BAM! BAM! BAM!
SNAP! CRACK! CRASH!
Exhausted and breathing heavily, I leaned against a side wall and examined the back panel with my flashlight.
There must have been a water pipe leaking nearby, because damp, rotted drywall had crumbled away.
Small chunks of it lay on the floor of my locker like lopsided snowballs.
The back panel was still partially attached by several screws along its top edge.
However, now it was literally swinging back and forth like a giant doggy door.
I grabbed the panel and pulled it behind me.
Then I carefully leaned forward to take a closer look at the damaged wall.
My mind was completely blown by what I saw. . . .
A HUGE HOLE!!
But here’s the CREEPY part! A mysterious RED GLOW was coming from somewhere on the other side!
Okay, I’ll admit that I felt so completely terrified that I wanted to fall on the floor and roll around while hysterically screaming my head off!! a little nervous.
It gave me a really bad vibe, like I was about to enter a HORROR MOVIE or something.
But don’t get it twisted!
I like WATCHING those movies, NOT actually becoming one of the clueless murder victims.
So I had to make a tough decision.
I could turn back and go wait inside my locker for another (*doing the math in my head*) EIGHTY-TWO-POINT-FIVE HOURS until I was rescued, or crawl through that hole into the possibly freaky unknown.
It’s always easier to ignore a problem and do nothing because you’re scared out of your mind.
But that was EXACTLY how I’d gotten myself into this huge mess to begin with.
Sorry, but I was sick and tired of living like that.
I decided to take my chances with the hole in the wall!
I didn’t have the slightest idea WHERE it would take me.
And I didn’t really care.
All I wanted were TWO things:
First, a BATHROOM!
And second, an EXIT DOOR! So I could get the HECK outta, um . . . wherever I was . . . and go HOME!!
18. I ENTER THE DEEP, DARK BOWELS OF . . . WHERE AM I?!
I wanted to travel lightly, so I decided to leave my backpack and textbooks inside my locker.
I grabbed my inhaler and flashlight and stuffed them in my pants pocket. Then I stuck my journal inside the front pocket of my sweatshirt.
When I stared out at the strange red glow for the second time, I noticed that the room looked almost smoky from the large amount of dust that had been stirred up by the falling drywall.
But as the dust began to settle, I saw an old red emergency lightbulb dimly flickering a few feet above my head. It created strange moving shadows that slowly circled around me like evil dancing ghosts waiting for the right moment to attack. GULP!!
I shuddered and broke into a cold sweat. Suddenly I had a renewed appreciation for my safe, warm, and cozy locker. (I know, I can’t believe I just said that either!)
When the dust finally settled, I realized I was inside a strange room that looked like it had been closed off from the school for decades.
Dust and cobwebs covered everything, while several leaks from the ceiling dripped off pipes and made black puddles of water on the floor. It smelled more damp and musty than the boys’ showers after we’d run the mile in PE class.
On the right side of the room stood two humongous tanks connected to fat pipes that ran along most of the ceiling and walls.
Had I discovered the secret lair of a twelve-foot-tall robotic monster with a dozen octopus-like arms?!
On the left side of the room was a pile of rotted drywall (okay, THAT was my fault!), a tall metal ladder, and even more pipes. It looked like I had stumbled upon an old boiler room that had been used to heat the school back in the day, except now it had a super-high creepiness factor. . . .
I stepped inside to take a closer look around.
The only sounds I heard were the echoes of my footsteps on the tile floor and an annoyingly constant DRIP-DRIP! DRIP-DRIP! DRIP-DRIP!
In a dark, shadowy corner on the opposite side of the room, I noticed a large red door with a rusty doorknob and a dust-covered sign. I wiped off the dust with my sleeve and blinked in surprise. The sign said:
EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY!
I did my victory dance right there on the spot!
I glanced at my watch. If I walked really fast, I could make it home in twenty minutes. Which meant I still had time for a late-night pizza delivery! SWEET!
I grabbed the door handle and pulled it with all my might. The rusty hinges screeched like a wet cat as the door slooowly opened. I gasped and just stared in shock . . .
. . . AT A BRICK WALL!
Which meant I was STILL trapped!!
And that was just WRONG on so many levels.
WHY DID IT FEEL LIKE LIFE WAS PLAYING A REALLY SICK JOKE ON ME??!!
My heart pounded as I tried to fight off another panic attack. I frantically searched the room, looking for any way out. Another door, a window, even a loose ceiling tile! But there was nothing.
I sat on the bottom rung of the ladder and buried my head in my hands. I felt like SCREAMING!
Okay, so NOW my dead body was going to be found in the BOILER ROOM instead of my LOCKER!!
Well, I could always look on the bright side. At least I had a bigger space to DIE in!
I stared up at the ceiling and shook my head in disgust. And that’s when I saw it!
A WAY OUT!! . . .
19. LORD OF THE LABYRINTH
I quickly scrambled up the ladder to a large metal vent that was about three feet tall and four feet wide. Upon closer inspection, I saw a small indentation on each of the two bottom corners.
I held my breath. Then I grabbed the bottom corners of the vent and pulled really hard. Miraculously, it popped open!
I cautiously peeked inside, praying that a pack of mutant rats wouldn’t jump on my face and mistake it for cheese.
It was pitch-black inside, and I couldn’t see a thing.
I flipped on my flashlight to take a closer look. I was at the end of a square gray metal tunnel that seemed to go on for FOREVER.
And EVER!
And EVER!!!
Based on all the movies I’ve seen, tunnels like this ALWAYS lead outside. PERFECT!!
Or to the roof. COOL!!
Or into a giant garbage Dumpster. EWWW!!
Or into a 1,200-degree scorching incinerator. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Okay, on second thought, maybe this WASN’T such a good idea after all.
I sighed deeply and turned around to stare at the dank, musty boiler room and the jagged hole that led back to my dark, cramped locker.
Did I want to hang out here for the next (*doing the math in my head*) EIGHTY-TWO HOURS?!
Definitely NOT!!
I quickly hoisted myself up into the tunnel and crawled inside as the vent door slammed noisily behind me.
I slowly crawled through the tunnel, trying to ignore the sudden claustrophobic panic I was feeling. Yes, I was actually starting to miss my very spacious, dark, and dank boiler room! . . .
I hadn’t seen any rats yet. But what if there were poisonous spiders? Or snakes? Or hungry ORCS?!
I was just about to turn around and head back, when the tunnel took a sharp left turn. . . .
That’s when I spotted a dark rectangular shape about fifteen yards away.
I immediately froze.
What if it was a trapdoor to a chute that would send me plummeting headfirst fifty feet straight down into the school’s, um . . . SEWAGE SYSTEM?!
I cautiously inched forward to take a closer look as my heart pounded in my chest.
Actually, it was another VENT!
Only this one was slightly smaller than the one in the boiler room.
I shined my flashlight on it and then squinted to see what was on the other side.
I was pleasantly surpris
ed to see a classroom.
But it wasn’t just ANY classroom. It was . . .
MY PHYSICAL SCIENCE CLASSROOM!
I even saw the burnt spot on the lab counter where, on the second day of school, Thug set his textbook on fire to IMPRESS his cute new lab partner. . . .
But, unfortunately, Thug’s little fire spread from his book to her lab notes! Then from her lab notes to her purse!
The fire alarm went off and the sprinkler system came on, and soon four screaming fire trucks were speeding toward our school at seventy miles an hour.
It was INSANE!!
Thank goodness no one was hurt.
Of course, students were thrilled when school was dismissed and we were sent home for the rest of the day so the janitors could clean up.
I think Thug definitely should have gotten suspended for that little prank. But he swore it was all a big accident, and the principal gave him the benefit of the doubt.
I feel really sorry for Thug’s lab partner. The poor girl was probably traumatized. I never saw her in our lab again, so I’m pretty sure she transferred to a different class. Or maybe even a different SCHOOL!
Anyway, I FINALLY figured out where I was. Inside the school’s extensive ventilation system.
It’s basically a mile of tunnels that run through the entire school, with vents inside every classroom, as well as the gym, cafeteria, teachers’ lounge, office, and hallways.
It’s pretty much an endless LABYRINTH!
SWEET! Right?! I felt like I was in my own virtual reality VIDEO GAME or something.
And I, MAXWELL CRUMBLY, was the mighty . . .
LORD OF THE LABYRINTH!
Anyway, I was in the eighth-grade hall and crawled past my art, English, and social studies classrooms.
But there was only ONE room I was anxious to visit before I headed for home.
Yep, the boys’ bathroom!
And, judging from my current location inside the vents, I needed to go about forty yards beyond my social studies class, hang a right into the main hall, go twenty yards past the computer lab, and BAM!
Estimated time of arrival, two minutes and thirty seconds.
However, as I was approaching the computer lab, I noticed the strangest thing!
The Misadventures of Max Crumbly 1 Page 5
