A light was on inside, and I could hear voices. It sounded like several adults.
Only, I couldn’t imagine why teachers, or even janitors, would still be at the school so late on a three-day weekend.
My curiosity got the best of me, so I decided to investigate by taking a closer look.
I had no intention of blowing my cover and possibly risking a detention for being on school property after hours, even though I was actually there against my will.
Besides, it would be almost impossible for them to see me stealthily spying on them from way up inside the vent, right?!
Hey, what could possibly go wrong?!
20. DO THEY REALLY SERVE MIGHTY MEAT MONSTER PIZZA IN PRISON?
Okay, I’ll admit I was a little FREAKED OUT! THERE WERE THREE MEN IN THE COMPUTER LAB!! At first I thought they were janitors. But soon it became quite obvious they weren’t.
“This is it, boys! Our biggest heist yet,” said a short, dumpy guy in a cheap green suit. He had ugly sideburns and a lopsided toupee that looked like a very large and dirty groundhog had crawled on top of his head and DIED. “Time to graduate from amateur pickpockets to professional burglars.”
“Now, THAT’S what I’m talking about, Ralph!” exclaimed a tall, skinny guy with a bandanna tied around his head. “I’m gonna buy a camera and a ton of new video games with my cut of the cash! Then I’m gonna quit my job flippin’ burgers and post videos of me playing games on YouTube. I’ll be a millionaire in no time!”
“Tucker, how are you gonna make money from that?!” Ralph glared. “I know! Just ask complete strangers to send you twenty dollars in the mail and then sit back and watch the money pour in!”
Tucker scratched his head. “Um, actually, I hadn’t figured it out yet. But your idea is genius! If I asked one million people to send me twenty dollars, I’d have, like, um . . . twenty million dollars, right?”
“WRONG!!” Ralph growled. “Because nobody would be STUPID enough to send an IDIOT like you money just ’cause you asked for it!”
“Speaking of stupid idea, can somebody tell me why we’re at a SCHOOL?” asked a big muscular guy with spiked black hair, wearing a jean jacket. “What are we stealing, math books? You both know I failed math, right? I’m not that good with numbers! My favorite subject was lunch. I always got straight As in lunch. Actually, I’m really hungry right now. I could eat a horse!”
Were these guys serious? They seemed like characters from a Saturday-morning cartoon.
“Moose, you’re ALWAYS whining about being hungry!” Tucker said. You’re just a two-hundred-pound baby, dude!”
“Tucker, don’t start with me . . . !” Moose shot back.
“Both of you, shut your TRAPS!” growled Ralph.
“Well, I think we should’ve robbed that Queasy Cheesy pizza place we passed on the way over here,” Moose said. “If we’d used the drive-through window, we would’ve gotten the money in sixty seconds! And if they make you wait longer than that, you get a FREE cheese pizza! I saw the commercial on TV!”
“I saw that commercial too!” Tucker exclaimed. “And if you buy a ten-piece buffalo wings, you get an order of extra-spicy wings for FREE! Man, I LOVE extra-spicy wings!”
“Quit yapping about food and FOCUS!!” Ralph yelled angrily as his toupee flopped around on his head like it was trying to escape. “IF I WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH TWO CLOWNS, I WOULD HAVE GONE TO THE CIRCUS!!”
“Sorry, boss!” Moose and Tucker said glumly.
“Listen up! I’m going to explain this one LAST time,” Ralph said through gritted teeth. “This school has thirty-six brand-new computers, each worth a small fortune! And there’s no security. Do you know what that means?!”
“Are you kidding?!” Tucker said excitedly. “That means I can update my Facebook page from here! You should see the latest pictures I took of my cat, Mr. Fuzzybottoms! Yesterday was his birthday!”
“Forget your stupid CAT!” Moose grumbled. “Let’s just get this job over with. I get cranky when I’m hungry! I just wish I’d brought a snack. I’m STARVING, guys!”
“Well, STARVE on your OWN time!” Ralph snarled. “You’re on MY clock now. Start moving these computers into the hall!”
WHOA!! These guys were actually planning to STEAL all of the school’s new COMPUTERS!! . . .
“All this talk about CANDY and CAKE is just making me even HUNGRIER!” Moose whined.
“Actually, I’m starting to get hungry too,” Tucker admitted.
“So how about we call Queasy Cheesy? I’ve got a coupon in my pocket for thirty percent off a dozen cheesy breadsticks,” Moose said.
“Dude! I’m in!” Tucker exclaimed. “Hey, Ralph! You want some cheesy breadsticks?”
“SURE! Let’s just give away our location! And if we’re lucky, we’ll get ARRESTED and the pizza delivery guy will be able to ID our FACES as the perpetrators in the police lineup! All because you two BONEHEADS decided you wanted cheesy breadsticks!!” Ralph shouted sarcastically. “But the good news is, after we get a ten-year sentence, THEY’LL SERVE YOU PIZZA IN PRISON!!!”
Tucker blinked in disbelief. “Wait a minute! Pizza?! In . . . PRISON?!!”
I was like, DUH! You go to PRISON for burglary!
“What is it, Einstein?!” Ralph taunted. “Having second thoughts?”
“I’m just thinking. If there’s pizza in prison, I could order Mighty Meat Monster. Or maybe sausage with pepperoni and green peppers. Last week I had ham with pineapple and mushrooms. That was delish!”
“And prison food is free, right? Can you imagine hot, cheesy FREE pizza?!” Moose drooled.
Ralph shook his head in complete disgust. Then he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.
“Both of you . . . just stop talking, okay? STOP! TALKING!” he growled as his face turned beet red. “THE NEXT PERSON WHO OPENS HIS BIG MOUTH IS GONNA GET SOMETHING TO EAT! A KNUCKLE SANDWICH! GOT THAT?!!”
Moose and Tucker frantically nodded, their mouths shut so tightly, it looked like they’d been sucking on tubes of superglue. It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Then suddenly . . .
BEEP-BEEP!
BEEP-BEEP!
BEEP-BEEP! . . .
The three men froze as their eyes darted nervously around the room—they clearly were afraid they’d somehow set off a burglar alarm.
Actually, the burglar alarm sounded really familiar. And, weirder yet, it seemed to be coming from very close by.
I looked down at my wrist and gulped.
OH, CRUD!!
I couldn’t believe this was actually happening to me. That’s when I very awkwardly muttered . . .
I’d been spotted by the burglars!! My cover was blown!
Let’s just say they were NOT happy to see me.
I didn’t move a muscle as my heart pounded in my ears like the bass in my favorite rap song. I was SO scared, I almost pooped my pants right there inside that vent! FOR REAL!
The three men slowly approached, staring up at me like I was a caged monkey at the Westchester Zoo or something!
“Yeah, Moose, you’re right!” Tucker whispered gruffly. “There IS a kid up there!”
“I don’t know WHO he is or WHAT he’s doing. But, guys, I know ONE thing for sure . . . !” Ralph snarled menacingly.
“What’s that, boss?” Tucker and Moose asked.
“When I get my hands on that kid . . .”
21. IF I MAKE IT HOME ALIVE, MY DAD IS GOING TO KILL ME!
To be honest, I was NOT looking forward to getting my face ripped off.
As the three continued to stare up at me, I slowly backed away from the vent opening, into the shadowy darkness, until I was pretty sure they couldn’t see me anymore but I could still see them.
That’s when Ralph started screaming at the top of his lungs. . . .
“DON’T JUST STAND THERE, YOU IDIOTS!! GO CATCH THE LITTLE SNITCH! CHECK EVERY SINGLE VENT IN THIS ENTIRE SCHOOL UNTIL WE HUNT HIM DOWN!”
“But, Ralph, we’re too big
to go in there after him,” Tucker argued.
“Yeah, so how are we supposed to catch him?” asked Moose.
“Just FIND him, you MEATHEADS, and leave the rest to me!” Ralph growled.
“Okay, Ralph. But can we at least take a little break for dinner first?” Tucker asked.
“You want a BREAK?! I’ll give you a break! I’LL BREAK YOUR NOSE!” Ralph hollered as he picked up a magazine from a nearby desk and rolled it into a weapon. “HERE’S your stinking BREAK!”
WHACK! He smacked Tucker upside his head!
“OUCH!” Tucker yelled.
“I told both of you to EAT before we left, but NO! You NEVER listen!”
WHACK! He smacked Moose upside his head.
“OW!” Moose bellowed.
“Still hungry? Here’s some DESSERT!”
WHACK! He smacked Tucker again.
“HEY!” Tucker said, staring up at the magazine. “Dude, just hold up for a second! Let me take a closer look at that mag, okay?”
“How about I just shove it down your throat for wasting my valuable time? Will that be CLOSE enough for you?” Ralph grumbled.
“Sheesh, Ralph! Just chillax, will you?” Tucker snatched the magazine out of his boss’s hand and squinted at the small print on the front cover.
“This ain’t the library. Read on your OWN time, you IDIOT!” Ralph spat.
“NO WAY! This looks like a limited-edition COMICS DIGEST from 1972. I’m pretty sure it’s worth BIG BUCKS!” Tucker exclaimed.
My heart skipped a beat! It sounded like he was describing my dad’s comic book! I inched forward to take a closer look!
OH, CRUD! It WAS my dad’s comic book!! It must have accidentally fallen out of my backpack while I was playing video games in the computer lab.
“Well, it looks totally worthless to me!” Ralph shot back.
“Listen! I know my comics, bro. And I’m telling you, this one is worth its weight in GOLD! You want proof? I can google it on this computer.”
“You’d better be right! Or you’ll be EATING it for dinner!” Ralph grunted.
I admit I probably should’ve been more focused on getting as far away from those guys as quickly as possible. But I was really curious to know just how BADLY I’d SCREWED UP by losing Dad’s comic book!
“See, boss? It’s worth five thousand dollars!! And even more if it’s in excellent condition!” Tucker grinned proudly.
$5,000?!!!
I felt like I had just gotten sucker punched in my gut!
“BOO-YAH! There’s nothing like easy money, boys!” Ralph exclaimed. “Tucker, why didn’t you say something before I smacked you with it? I could have damaged this VERY valuable comic book on your CONCRETE HEAD. Now hand it over!”
“Wait a minute!” Tucker protested. “You said we’d get a cut of ALL the merchandise. And that includes this comic book! So for now let’s just leave it right here on this table for safekeeping.”
Just great! Those thugs were stealing the school’s computers AND my dad’s $5,000 comic book!!
I turned around and started crawling back through the vents as fast as my arms and legs could carry me!
I went fifty-five yards and made a right turn, and then I went another thirty yards and made a left.
I ended up in a long corridor with no vent openings. It was the perfect place to stop and rest.
All I could hear were the faint muffled voices of the men still arguing about the comic book, and my heart pounding in my chest like a bass drum.
Beads of sweat dripped off my forehead, and my hands and knees were stinging from the friction of crawling.
I sat up, hugged my knees, and closed my eyes. I was starting to feel really light-headed. That’s when I suddenly realized I was holding my breath.
Okay, Crumbly! Get a grip! NOT breathing will make it kind of difficult to stay alive. I took two large whiffs from my inhaler and tried to breathe deeply.
The only thing WORSE than being locked in the school alone after hours?
Being locked in the school after hours with three RUTHLESS burglars! All intent on ripping my face off! This was some serious stuff!
Where were the hall monitors when you REALLY needed them?!
Somebody had to stop those crooks. But, unfortunately, I was the only “somebody” around.
My gut told me to step up and be a hero. But my lungs were like, “No way! There are three of them against one of you. So let’s just go hide out in our safe and cozy locker until these criminals pack up and leave!”
Um, okay. I’ll admit my lungs had a valid point.
Yes, I was a totally useless coward. And I didn’t have six-pack abs like Thug Thurston.
But I DID have BRAINS and my trusty inhaler. I’d made it to level forty-nine in the Valiant Knights of the Galaxy video game in only three days.
And I was pretty much an expert on superheroes and villains from reading hundreds of comic books.
But, most importantly, I needed to try to get my dad’s comic back before he realized it was missing and strangled me!
That’s when I came up with a BRILLIANT plan.
While those men were busy loading up the computers, I’d simply crawl through the vents to the school office, grab a phone, and dial 911! Then I’d sneak back to the computer lab and swipe Dad’s comic book in the ten minutes it would take the police to arrive, and BAM!! I’d be an instant HERO and a local CELEBRITY!
SWEET!
Then if Thug wanted to try to start something with me again, he’d have a HUGE fight on his hands.
Why?
Because he’d have to FIGHT his way through my very large throng of friends, admirers, autograph seekers, and cute girls who were crushing on me!
My life would NEVER be the same. I couldn’t help smiling at the thought of it all. . . .
I mentally mapped out my trip to the office. Estimated time of arrival: 2.5 minutes. However, just as I was about to crawl past a vent in the main hall, I ran into a slight complication.
Well, actually THREE slight complications! RALPH, TUCKER, and MOOSE! I hung back a few feet so they couldn’t see me.
“Okay, so this is the plan. I’ll take the north wing. Tucker, you take the west wing, and Moose, you take the east wing. Now move it! We gotta find that kid before it’s too late!” Ralph scowled. Then he strode quickly down the hall and disappeared.
“This school is HUGE! We’re never gonna find that kid!” Tucker complained. “We should just grab the computers and get outta here while we can, but Ralph is so stubborn, he won’t listen!”
“Forget Ralph! I’ve got an even BETTER idea!” Moose said, and winked.
“DUDE!! Are YOU thinking what I’M thinking?” Tucker snickered.
“Yeah, BRO! It’ll be just YOU and ME!” Moose chuckled.
“Awesome!” Tucker exclaimed.
“Let’s roll! We gotta be done before Ralph comes back!” Moose said as he took off running.
“Hey, Moose! Wait up!” Tucker yelled as he scampered off after him.
I didn’t have the slightest idea what those two were up to. Although it sounded to me like they were planning to double-cross Ralph. But as long as they stayed out of MY way, I didn’t care. I scurried through the vents, and within minutes I’d reached my final destination. . . .
THE MAIN OFFICE!! That’s when I noticed all the lights in the school had been turned on by the burglars.
I popped open the vent and quickly lowered myself to the floor. Then I dashed to the phone, grabbed it, and dialed 911. I glanced cautiously over my shoulder and then whispered loudly. . . .
22. HOW “CINDERELLA” LOST A GLASS SLIPPER SNEAKER
“Excuse me! But WHAT are you talking about?!” said a highly annoyed teen girl on the other end of the line. “Is this a prank phone call or something?”
“NO! This ISN’T a prank call! It’s an EMERGENCY! Um, is this 911?” I asked, confused.
“Sorry, but this is Queasy Cheesy! If you’re trying to call
911, you dialed the wrong number! Good-bye!”
“WAIT!! Don’t hang up! We’re just TRYIN’ to order a pizza! With cheesy breadsticks!” said a very familiar voice. “I got a thirty-percent-off coupon.”
“Don’t forget the buffalo wings!” a voice in the background chimed in.
“Right! And buffalo wings, too!”
It was Tucker and Moose! I couldn’t believe they were actually ordering a pizza, cheesy breadsticks, and wings while burglarizing the school!
“I’ll leave the money in an envelope at the front door of South Ridge Middle School, and you can just leave my order, okay? We’re working here late tonight. Now, did you get all of that? I don’t want you getting confused and screwing up my order,” Moose said.
“Excuse me, but YOU’RE the one who’s totally CONFUSED! Do you want to order pizza, or do you have an emergency? You really need to make up your mind! I’m supposed to be on break right now,” the girl on the phone explained impatiently.
“Who said anything about an emergency?” Moose asked, starting to get irritated.
I tried to deepen my voice. “Yo! This is . . . ME, um . . . the pizza delivery GUY! And I have an emergency! I’m out of pizza . . . um, delivery . . . boxes?!”
“Oh, really! So THIS must be Michael, right? My BFF, Emily, said you broke up with her at lunch today for no reason!” the girl said angrily.
“Actually, I’m NOT Michael! I’m the . . . um, OTHER pizza delivery guy, okay?” I lied.
“Don’t LIE to me, Michael! You might lie to Emily, but don’t even try that with ME.”
“Listen, lady! How long will it take before you’ll be delivering our order? We’re STARVING!” Moose whined.
“Um, can I please speak to the manager, then?” I pleaded. “About my, um . . . pizza box situation?”
“You don’t NEED to talk to the manager right now, Michael! You NEED to be talking to EMILY!”
“But I’m NOT Michael! And I DON’T want to talk to Emily!”
“Are we going to get that free order of extra-spicy wings like the TV commercial says?!” Tucker asked.
The Misadventures of Max Crumbly 1 Page 6
