The Misadventures of Max Crumbly 1

by Rachel Renée Russell

  “You know what, Michael? Just forget it! Emily is SO over you!”

  CLICK!! (That’s when the phone went dead!)

  Suddenly I heard a loud tapping sound!! And when I turned around . . .

  I TOTALLY FREAKED!!

  It was MOOSE and TUCKER!

  They were in the principal’s office right behind me!

  I ran, jumped, and pulled my body up into the front of the ventilation tunnel all in one motion . . .

  Just as Tucker and Moose burst into the room!

  They looked a bit confused when it appeared that I had disappeared into thin air.

  Finally Moose looked up. “LOOK!!” he said, pointing. “The kid is escaping into that VENT!!”

  “You’re NOT going to get away THIS time, you little . . . !!” Tucker yelled as he dove across the room and grabbed my foot.

  “GOTCHA!!” Moose shouted as he held on to my leg with a vise-like grip.

  Then they both started to pull me out of the vent.

  I tried to hold on with all my strength, but it was no use.

  I was no match for the two of them. . . .

  Then, with my last bit of strength, I rolled onto my back and kicked really hard with my right foot.

  “OW!!” Tucker yelled. “OW! OW! OOOOWW! That HURT!!”

  Finally, I was FREE!!

  I quickly climbed inside the vent and slammed the vent door shut.

  When I turned around, Tucker was still holding my shoe in his hand and Moose was pointing at Tucker’s face.

  “Um, DUDE! Did you know you have a sneaker print across your face?” Moose laughed.

  Tucker angrily tossed my shoe at me with all his strength!!

  BAM!!

  The shoe hit the vent, ricocheted off, and smacked Moose squarely on his nose.

  “OOOOOUCH!!” he howled in pain. “What’d you do dat for, Tucker? I tink you boke by nose!!”

  “What’s wrong, bro?! You’re NOT laughing anymore?! Dude, did you know you have a sneaker print across your nose?!” Tucker snorted.

  Both men turned and glared at me.

  Moose picked up my shoe and slowly waved it back and forth in front of the vent as he spoke in a high-pitched, squeaky voice, just to mock me.

  “Come back, Cinderella! You lost your shoe! Don’t you want your beautiful little shoe? Come back, Cinderella!”

  Then they both doubled over in laughter.

  I just rolled my eyes at them.

  HA-HA! Very FUNNY, I thought. Almost as funny as my sneaker prints embedded on your faces.

  Safely back inside the vent system, I crawled twenty yards, hung a quick right, and crawled thirty-five yards.

  My 911 call had been hijacked.

  I’d almost gotten caught by the burglars.

  I was missing a shoe.

  And I’d been called Cinderella.

  My Plan A had failed horribly.

  So now it was time for Plan B.

  Unfortunately, I didn’t have one!

  23. ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOILET!

  I wanted to get as far away from those crooks as possible.

  And FAST!!

  After that fiasco in the office, the three of them had launched a massive MANHUNT for me.

  They were checking the vents in the main hallway with flashlights. So trying to avoid getting caught by them was going to become even MORE difficult.

  Suddenly I remembered the LAST place I’d want to be in this ENTIRE school.

  The boys’ bathroom on the south end!

  My school is really old and has had a lot of major renovation work. But they were too cheap to fix up that bathroom, so it has cobwebs and is hardly ever cleaned.

  And since most of the toilets are out of order or don’t flush properly, it smells like a sewer.

  However, here’s the WEIRDEST part about that bathroom!! . . .

  A guy from my PE class, named Cody Locks, claims a wild raccoon family lives in there.

  Yeah, I know! It sounds pretty ridiculous to ME, too.

  Hey, I’m not sure if raccoons are dangerous or not. But no guy from our school was willing to take a chance on being caught with his pants down when that raccoon family unexpectedly returned home from a walk in the woods and found him in there!

  Practically EVERYONE had heard the famous SCHOOL LEGEND about . . .

  CODY LOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS RACCOONS

  CODY MEETS THE RACCOON FAMILY!

  So yeah! Being viciously attacked by an unfriendly family of raccoons was a risk I was willing to take.

  When I finally arrived at that bathroom, it was in even worse shape than I remembered. Instead of water in the toilets, there was a thick, black muck the consistency of mud.

  BARF!!

  An Out of Order sign was taped on the wall, and some kid had scribbled the word “VERY” across the top and doodled a sad face at the bottom.

  I wondered if his graffiti message was some kind of cryptic WARNING.

  Unfortunately, as I was climbing down from the vent, my foot slipped and I accidentally flushed the toilet.

  Let’s just say what happened next left me severely emotionally SCARRED for the rest of my LIFE!! was totally UNEXPECTED!! . . .

  I ACCIDENTALLY FLUSHED THE TOILET!

  I GOT SPRAYED WITH STINKY MUCK!

  THEN I FELL INTO THE STINKY MUCK!!

  I REALLY HATE CRYPTIC WARNINGS !

  I smelled WORSE than a bucket of two-day-old cow poop steaming in the hot sun in the middle of July! anything I’d ever smelled in my entire life!

  And that was just WRONG on so many levels!

  Anyway, there was good news and bad news.

  The good news was that, despite the school legend, I was NOT attacked by a pack of rabid raccoons while I was in that bathroom.

  The bad news was that I needed to find a change of clothing ASAP!!

  Before the horrific stench of the muck completely KILLED OFF the few remaining healthy BRAIN CELLS I had left!

  24. OUT OF LUCK, COVERED IN MUCK, AND DRENCHED IN STENCH

  I quickly decided that traveling through the vents was going to be too dangerous. Once the burglars got a good whiff of me, they would be able to track me down anywhere in the entire school just by the smell alone.

  And if they found me, I’d be DEAD MEAT!!

  Which would be a really BIG coincidence since I already SMELLED like rotting DEAD MEAT!!

  I snuck out of the bathroom and quietly tiptoed down the hallway. . . .

  SQUIRK! SQUIRK! SQUIRK! SQUIRK!

  Every step I took made an annoying sound and left a very smelly trail of black muck behind me. I barely had time to duck behind a large plant when I spotted the burglars coming out of the school office in an adjoining hall.

  Ralph was talking on his cell phone, but his face was pale and he looked like he’d just seen a ghost!

  “Calm down, Tina!! Please, dear! I’m sorry! I completely forgot your mother was coming for dinner!” he sputtered nervously. “No! I wasn’t trying to disrespect her! Listen, I’ll wrap up this business meeting and be home soon, okay? . . . Yeah, I love you, too, sweetheart! Bye.”

  Ralph took out his hankie and wiped the sweat off his face. “I HATE it when Tina interrupts me when I’m trying to work!!” he grumbled.

  “Your wife is EVIL, man!” Tucker laughed. “She’s even SCARIER than you are!”

  “Who’s the big BABY now, huh?!” Moose snickered. “Ralph, you were SO scared, it smells like you just POOPED your pants!”

  I couldn’t help rolling my eyes! Actually, that SMELL was, um . . . ME!! I desperately fanned the air, trying to dissipate the foul odor.

  “Just SHUT UP already, you NUMBSKULLS!!” Ralph barked. “I cut the phone lines, but we still need to find that kid! He’s the only person who can identify us. We haven’t searched the south wing yet. So, you two, get on it!”

  THE SOUTH WING?!! I gasped! That meant Tucker and Moose were headed in my direction.

  I took off running! SQUIRK! SQUIRK! SQUI
RK!

  I tried the boys’ locker room, but the door was locked. DANG!! So I dashed across the hall and cautiously peeked around a corner as my heart pounded in my chest!

  “Hey, Tucker! Did you hear that squeaking noise?! It might be the kid! Follow me!” Moose exclaimed as they both sped toward the sound.

  I held my breath as Moose and Tucker came barreling down another hall in my direction.

  They were less than twenty feet away when I heard . . .

  It was RALPH! And he had blown a fuse!!

  Apparently Moose and Tucker’s order from Queasy Cheesy had been delivered.

  Just in the nick of time, too. After hearing about their pizza order, the two men got distracted and ran right past my hiding place! WHEW! That was a close call!

  But judging from how TICKED OFF Ralph sounded, I’d say they probably needed to KEEP running! Right out the nearest EXIT DOOR!

  Anyway, there was so much yelling and cursing drama going on, it appeared that I was the least of their worries at that moment.

  Which meant they’d be out of my hair for at least the next ten minutes and give me time to regroup and come up with another plan.

  I sighed with relief and leaned against the door behind me.

  Surprisingly, it was unlocked and swung open.

  So I decided to go inside. . . .

  Yes, I know. I KNOW!! You’re probably thinking . . .

  DUDE, YOU’VE LOST YOUR MIND!!

  YOU’RE GOING INSIDE THE GIRLS’ LOCKER ROOM?!!

  THAT’S JUST WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS!!

  Sorry! But I was finally going to be able to use the bathroom, thank goodness! I was so EXHAUSTED, so DESPERATE, and so SCARED . . .

  I didn’t even care!

  25. WHY THERE WAS A BOY IN THE GIRLS’ LOCKER ROOM

  Listen up, people! I really have to get this off my chest.

  Only an extremely IMMATURE person would make a big deal out of a guy going into the girls’ locker room.

  Don’t get it TWISTED! It was an EMERGENCY! And I only had TWO options:

  1. Run around the school NAKED in my birthday suit, or

  2. Search for clothes in the forbidden realm known as the GIRLS’ LOCKER ROOM.

  Like I said earlier, I DIDN’T EVEN CARE!

  Well, I have a confession to make. . . .

  I LIED!!

  Once I actually stepped INSIDE the girls’ locker room, I totally FREAKED OUT!

  For some reason, I started shivering like crazy.

  I wasn’t sure if it was the cold draft from the air conditioner or if I was just completely PETRIFIED of facing the GIRLY UNKNOWN.

  “Get a grip, Crumbly!” I mumbled to myself. “This is a LIFE-or-DEATH situation!”

  But I wasn’t talking about Tucker, Moose, and Ralph.

  If I didn’t get out of my muck-covered clothes soon, the STINK was going to KILL me BEFORE those guys ever caught up with me!

  I grabbed my inhaler and took several deep breaths (while holding my nose).

  Then I decided to look around.

  Well, the good news is that I learned something new.

  The girls’ locker room looks a lot like the boys’ locker room.

  I guess I expected a pink palace filled with rainbows, cupcakes, and baby unicorns!

  Hey, what do I know about girls?!

  I searched through most of the lockers, and they were empty.

  Not a single piece of clothing ANYWHERE!

  That’s when I started to panic.

  Come on! HOW could this be happening?!

  Wasn’t this a GIRLS’ LOCKER ROOM, for crying out loud?!!

  I was about to give up hope and burst into tears.

  But, luckily, I hit the jackpot with one of the lockers on the back wall. . . .

  FINALLY I FOUND SOME CLOTHES!

  AWESOME! I couldn’t wait to get out of my filthy “Poopy Couture” rags!

  I planned to toss them right where they belonged. In the TOILET!

  Sorry, Mr. Janitor! Just call it poetic justice.

  I took a closer look at the outfit and instantly realized I had a bit of a fashion crisis on my hands.

  Why did girls’ clothing have to be so, um . . . GIRLY?!

  It was a shimmery baby-blue one-piece bodysuit thing, with a sewn-on silver metallic cape and a tacky mom belt!

  The ultra-stretchy, shiny leotard fabric looked like it could easily expand to fit me and three members of the soccer team.

  A sheer skirt decorated with sequins and sparkly snowflakes was neatly folded on the top shelf, and I planned to leave it right there.

  Sorry, but that outfit was a HOT MESS! All I needed was a glittery pink BLINDFOLD to complete the look, and then I wouldn’t have to actually SEE myself.

  I also noticed that the shoe bag was monogrammed with the letter E.

  I know quite a few females whose names begin with that letter, like Erma, Edna, and Ethel.

  Obviously, their names AREN’T as POPULAR for teens as the name Erin, but I was homeschooled, remember?

  And Erma, Edna, and Ethel are nice, elderly ladies who hung out at my grandma’s house and played bingo on Saturdays at the senior center.

  Did I mention that Ethel makes REALLY GOOD snickerdoodle cookies?

  Anyway, I spotted a crumpled packet of papers on the floor of the locker. It was a script for the play The Ice Princess and a cast list. And the only person in the cast whose name started with E was Erin!

  So there was no doubt about it! I was RAIDING Erin Madison’s PE locker!! NOOOO!!

  That totally made me a SICKO, right?! I turned red with embarrassment and slammed her locker shut.

  Sure, I felt like a total CREEP borrowing my crush’s another student’s clothing.

  But I HAD to get rid of my cold, wet, stinky, sewage-covered clothing because it was probably a BIOHAZARD!

  What if I was carrying bacteria in my shirt pocket more deadly than the BUBONIC PLAGUE?! I could accidentally KILL OFF all of HUMANKIND!

  So, in my heroic attempt to save the world, I made the decision to borrow Erin’s Ice Princess costume.

  If I took it to the dry cleaner and placed it back inside the locker after I’d worn it, she’d never even know it was missing.

  Next I needed to find some shoes.

  Although my new nickname is Cinderella, I was NOT feeling that three-inch-tall, fake-diamond-encrusted, princessy, um, footwear. . . .

  I had better luck scavenging in the lost-and-found box.

  I snagged a cool pair of leather boots with buckles, perfect for riding a fast and furious motorcycle. . . .

  But that wasn’t even the BEST part!

  I also found a CELL PHONE! And it actually worked! SWEET!

  I decided to borrow it temporarily, just in case something went down and I REALLY needed to use it. Having a phone made me feel like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders—once I got the comic book back, I could use it to call the police.

  I quickly changed and tried not to think about the fact that I was wearing Erin’s clothing. Even though I knew I was going to look silly, I couldn’t resist checking myself out in a nearby full-length mirror.

  “WHOA!!” I muttered to myself as I blinked in surprise.

  Yeah, I’d probably get laughed at or punched in the face at school.

  But I’d get mad props and a dozen fist bumps at COMIC-CON! . . .

  Seeing myself in costume didn’t make my head explode like I’d expected.

  I almost looked like a middle school version of Spider-Man. But with a cape and some kick-butt boots.

  Strangely enough, I suddenly felt smart, strong, confident, and kind of . . . SUPERHERO-ISH!

  But I totally agree with you. It was probably just the psychological side effects from breathing all those TOXIC sewage fumes.

  I had completely SURPRISED myself by staying calm, breaking out of my locker, navigating through the school’s vast ventilation system, and outsmarting a bunch of crooks.

  And I had
n’t even gotten myself KILLED. YET! So, yeah. Max C. has MAD SKILLZ! No doubt!

  My next task was to figure out what to do with all of my stuff.

  The costume had a back pocket that was supposed to hold a microphone receiver.

  It was a tight fit, but I managed to stuff my journal and inhaler and the cell phone inside.

  Since there wasn’t room for my flashlight, I bent over and shoved it into the top of my boot.

  FINALLY! I was ready to begin my QUEST to retrieve my dad’s comic book and stop the burglars from stealing the school’s computers.

  But there was one thing that I WASN’T quite ready for: a strange voice from behind me that said . . .

  “HELLO?!”

  26. WORST. RINGTONE. EVER!!

  As far as I knew, the ONLY other people in the building were Tucker, Moose, and Ralph. So I totally expected to hear MALE voices yelling and talking SMACK about ripping my face off! But this was a GIRL’S voice!

  “HELLO?!” she said again.

  I froze and nervously glanced around the room.

  “Who s-said that?! Who’s th-there?!” I stammered.

  The only thing I saw out of place was a large dead roach. I shuddered. EWW!! Ever since my grandma’s new neighbors moved in a few weeks ago, it’s like I’ve developed a phobia of roaches. It’s probably because the dad drives a creepy van that has a humongous roach on top of it.

  And whenever I walked past the thing, I half-expected it to snatch me up and bite my head off like an evil praying mantis or something. Hey, don’t laugh! Dude, I’ve had some really SCARY nightmares!

  But bugs can’t talk. Especially DEAD ones.

  Then the girl’s voice spoke again. “HELLO?! WHO is this?!”

  That’s when I noticed the voice was close. VERY close! Like right BEHIND me. I spun around in a panic, but no one was there. Okay, this was INSANE! Was the girls’ locker room haunted? Or had my WORST fear come true?