by Ian Doescher
[Exit Josh in carriage.
CHER
His words like slivers sink beneath my skin
And fester. Is my reputation thus?
Am I so shallow and so callous, too,
That he imagines me so self-absorb’d?
Enter DIONNE.
O, Dionne, tell me true: wouldst call me selfish?
DIONNE
Not to thy face.
CHER
—Indeed?
DIONNE
—Why art thou sad?
I saw thee when thou didst arrive with Josh.
Hath he fill’d up thy mind with muck and filth,
Born from his present notions, meaning his
Postadolescent idealistic phase?
CHER
Behold, ’tis Master Hall. The game’s afoot!
Enter MASTER WENDELL HALL.
DIONNE
Ho, Master Hall!
CHER
—We bid thee, walk with us.
Dost thou drink coffee, nectar of the gods?
HALL
Not from our cafeteria—their grounds
Do earn the name, in tasting just like dirt.
Yet under normal circumstances, yea.
CHER
I am a fool! Today, as I did pack
My lunch, I accident’lly switch’d my drink
With my sweet father’s—he hath lemonade
Whilst I am saddl’d with his bitter flask—
Italian roasted coffee, which I loathe.
Wouldst thou the pleasure of the auburn drink?
HALL
Thou dost desire it not?
CHER
—’Twould stunt my growth.
I hope to grow to inches three score ten,
Like mine exemplar, Lady Cindy Crawford.
Methought thou mightest like to share the drink
With Lady Geist—or someone else. Or her.
HALL
[aside:] A brilliant notion! [To them:] Girls, my gratitude.
CHER hands him the coffee. MASTER HALL walks aside. Enter LADY TOBY GEIST.
CHER
Kind Lady Geist! Thy timing is profound.
GEIST
Good morning, girls. Have ye secur’d your places
In our environmental fete that comes?
DIONNE
We shall anon.
CHER
—Thine eyes, how beautiful.
Hide them not underneath these spectacles.
[Cher removes Lady Geist’s glasses.
DIONNE
Thy doublet should be tied around thy waist,
Which is as small as any lass could dream.
[Dionne ties Lady Geist’s doublet around the lady’s waist.
CHER
These clips restrain thy hair’s cascading locks,
Which should be free to fall about thy shoulders.
[Cher removes the clips from Lady Geist’s hair.
GEIST
Such fond and strange attention ye do show.
Forget ye not th’environmental fair!
[Lady Geist walks aside.
DIONNE
She is no perfect beauty, by my troth,
Yet the improvement is immediate.
CHER
We did construct the strongest edifice
With those few, meager tools that were at hand.
Come, friend—let us with haste proceed unto
Our class of education physical.
[The girls begin walking toward their next class.
DIONNE
I would not go today, it tires my soul.
CHER
Full well I know th’exhaustion of thy heart.
Still, though, I’ll warrant sport shall do us good—
Of late my body feels most heiferlike,
All weight and hips and udders ev’rywhere,
Like I had stomachs four that I must fill.
Today I had two bowls of Special K,
Three pieces of delightful turkey bacon,
A full hand’s worth of popp’d corn most delicious,
Five peanut butter M and Ms—
DIONNE
—Behold!
[Master Hall approaches Lady Geist and they sit together, sharing the container of coffee.
A scene that doth befit a portrait grand,
Created by the master artists—us!
CHER
Behold the language of their bodies two,
Which one may read as if ’twere English words—
Their legs both cross’d toward the other one,
An invitation unequivocal
Unto an intimate encounter. O!
Read thereupon the triumph of our match.
DIONNE
See how she giveth him her address, that
He soon may call upon her where she lives.
The digits she gives up most willingly.
Behold our Lady Geist, so cute and touch’d.
CHER
Who knew the elderly could be so sweet?
Let us to class, upon contented feet.
[Exeunt Cher and Dionne. Master Hall and Lady Geist say farewells. Exit Lady Geist.
HALL
Astounding days, when liking turns to love,
When colleagues two become a pair entwin’d.
’Tis early days, and yet ’tis like I’ve known
The lady all my life, was meant by fate
To dwell within her presence evermore.
No more shall I neglect my outward look,
But groom myself to mate and court and woo.
If I can win her, great shall be the heist—
This Wendell Hall shall capture Toby Geist!
[Exit.
The Horowitz house.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
BALTHASAR
[singing:] The world is fill’d with fools
Who never act aright,
They know what they do
As daytime turns to night.
So pretty thou, so silly thou,
So wondrously alive,
O, change thou ne’er, be mine fore’er,
Put down thy foot and drive.
Thou, be not like those fools,
Pray, come with me, we’ll fly—
Thou nothing hast to lose,
If thou shalt only try.
So pretty thou, so silly thou,
So wondrously alive,
O, change thou ne’er, &c.
Thou art so pretty, dear,
Yet never satisfied—
Search, then, for something new,
For thou hast naught to hide.
So pretty thou, so silly thou,
So wondrously alive,
O, change thou ne’er, &c.
[Exit Balthasar.
Enter CHER.
CHER
The grades that Master Hall dispenseth hath
Arisen—yea, not only just for me,
But for the class entire. I’ve earn’d their praise,
For all do know ’twas Dionne and myself
Who put our Master Hall in better spirits
Through his relationship with Lady Geist.
When our last papers were return’d to us,
How great was the rejoicing of the class.
Young Elton did embrace me ardently
To show his thanks. Meanwhile, we did espy
The couple, Lady Geist and Master Hall,
Engag’d in kisses deep ere they departed.
The plan hath work’d e’en better than we hop’d!
Last Friday, Lady Geist wrote on the board
Our homework for the weekend soon to come,
Y
et wrote she merely, “Have ye fun!” and smil’d,
As if she plann’d to heed her own advice—
Yea, assignation shall be her assignment.
Enter MEL HOROWITZ.
MEL
Cher, canst thou proffer any explanation?
CHER
Thou speakest of my new report card, sir?
MEL
The same semester ’tis? Have I this right?
CHER
Indeed.
MEL
—What magic dark hast thou perform’d?
Thy grade for education physical
Hath turn’d into an A, such I expected—
A simple subject, simple was the change.
Yet how hast thou these other subjects alter’d?
Debate: thy C transform’d into an A.
World history: a B turn’d A as well.
What spell hast thou cast over these two teachers,
This Master Hall and Lady Geist, that they
Were willing to enhance thy marks so much?
Some extra credit and reports to match?
CHER
Nay, Father.
MEL
—Didst thou, then, retake thy tests?
CHER
Nay, neither this.
MEL
—Thou wouldst have me believe
Thou—by thine arguments—hath climbèd so,
Ascended from a C unto an A?
CHER
Completely by my powers of persuasion.
Is thy heart bursting with o’erwhelming pride?
MEL
Forsooth, no prouder could I be, e’en if
Those grades were based on merit. O, well done!
[They embrace.
My clever daughter, apple of mine eye,
Inheritor of all thy mother’s wit,
And pure delight unto thy father, too.
Tonight, we’ll celebrate this feat of thine.
[Exit Cher.
To raise a daughter by myself was ne’er
What I had hop’d before her mother died.
How could I cope with such a loss as hers,
How could I hope to serve as parent double?
Amidst my grief, which foreign was to me,
I vow’d to raise my Cher as best I could.
’Twas years ago, yet feels like yesterday.
As one doth parent, ’tis impossible
To know if, day to day, one does aright.
As if I were the pilot of a boat
Who sail’d, sans compass or a map, across
The ocean vast, I could not see the goal,
But merely hop’d to steer in the direction
That soon would set us safe upon the shore.
To hear of Cher’s astute and cunning ways
Tells me she hath a depth I realiz’d not,
An anchor deep that keeps her firmly rooted.
My wondrous daughter, now ’tis plain to me—
Together we shall cross th’expansive sea.
[Exit.
Bronson Alcott High School and the Horowitz house.
Enter CHER in tennis clothes.
CHER
So satisfying was my father’s joy
That I am mov’d to render more good deeds
Upon the other people hereabout.
Enter DIONNE, AMBER, LADY STOEGER, and various STUDENTS in tennis clothes.
DIONNE
Ah-choo!
CHER
—Dee, when thine allergies arise,
Take out the ring within thy pretty nose,
That it not in thy mucous be engulf’d.
STOEGER
Cher, ’tis thy turn to hit the balls with me.
[Cher continues talking to Dee.
Attend! Respond thou to my calling voice!
CHER
Apologies, good Lady Stoeger, that
I did not heed thee when thou first did call.
One word, too: education physical
Within our school is reprehensible—
To stand in line for forty minutes whilst
We wait to take a turn and swat a ball
Is not aerobic’lly effective, nay.
In such a fruitless period of time,
I could not shed the calories found in
A paltry stick of Carefree gum.
STUDENTS
[applauding:] —Hurrah!
STOEGER
If not thy body, certainly thy mouth
Hath had excessive exercise, in faith.
Hit thou the balls that cometh unto thee.
CHER
When I have match’d my racket to these balls,
I shall, indeed, by heaven, play a set.
These balls, though, which do whir past me so fast,
Belike shall strike my crown into the hazard.
The sleek machine that shoots them like a cannon
Is full of danger, Lady Stoeger, with
A massive lawsuit waiting in the wings.
STOEGER
My gratitude for this, thy legal counsel.
Come, Dionne, ’tis thy turn.
DIONNE
—Yet Lady Stoeger,
I bear a note from mine own tennis coach.
He would prefer if I did not expose
Myself to any training that, perchance,
May overturn his better principles.
STOEGER
[aside:] Pray, give me patience. [To Dionne:] Thou, then, art excus’d.
Come, Amber, to the fray.
AMBER
—Nay, Lady Stoeger,
My plastic surgeon would have me avoid
Activities wherein there may be balls
That fly in the direction of my nose.
DIONNE
Alas for thee, thy social life is o’er.
Enter TAI accompanied by a TEACHER.
TEACHER
Good Lady Stoeger, here’s another one—
A student new to join the merry ranks.
Take heed, I prithee, ladies: bid ye welcome
Unto your newfound friend, Tai Frasier she.
[Exit teacher.
STOEGER
Thou hast no time to change thy clothing, Tai,
Yet may still strike at balls in what thou wear’st.
AMBER
In what she weareth, she could farmer be!
CHER
[aside, to Dionne:] Dee, mine assignment now is clear to me:
Behold the girl, adorably clueless.
We shall adopt her, make her one of us.
DIONNE
The woman is toe up. Our stock shall fall
Should we expend our time with such as she.
CHER
Dee, think of it: dost thou not wish to use
Thy popularity in acts of good,
A contribution making to the world?
DIONNE
Nay, such beneficence ne’er cross’d my mind.
CHER
[to Tai:] Come hither! We would speak with thee awhile.
[Tai approaches Cher and Dionne.
TAI
My thanks, ’tis passing lonesome to be new.
CHER
Art thou enjoying California, Tai?
TAI
In troth, my mind runs wild without surcease.
Hast thou some herbal remedy for me?
DIONNE
The time for lunch arrives ten minutes hence.
We have no tea, yet do have Coke for thee.
TAI
Ye coke do have, the leaves of coca trees?
The bell rings. Enter more STUDENTS, including MURRAY, TRAVIS, and ELTON.
CHER
T
his is America—we’ve Coke for all.
Let us show thee the ins and outs and wheres
Of Bronson Alcott High School. Let us fly!
[Cher, Dionne, and Tai walk around the school grounds, looking at various groups of students.
Behold Alana’s group, the players they,
Who are of their own stage too well enamor’d.
The Persian mafia are gather’d yon,
Whom none can join without a carriage fine—
A Bayerische Motoren Werke.
There is one Elton, in the vest of white,
’Midst the most popular in all the school.
DIONNE
Including Murray, mine own paramour.
Is he not handsome?
TAI
—Yea, he is indeed!
CHER
Shouldst thou debase thyself and date a lad
Who still in high school is, ’tis from that group
Thou must select; acceptable are they.
TAI
Which one of them is thine, then, Cher?
CHER
—As if!
As if I would date one in high school still,
As if I find them not too immature,
As if my place were not above them all,
As if they are not monkeys, verily!
DIONNE
Cher hath too much of pride and prejudice
When turns the subject unto high school lads.
CHER
’Tis but a choice—important, personal—
Which ev’ry woman must make for herself.
[Murray approaches them.
MURRAY
My lass, lend me five ducats presently.
DIONNE
Again and still again have I bid thee
Not summon me with such a word as lass.
’Tis too informal—disrespectful, too.
Call me not lass, lad—Dionne is my name.
MURRAY
Beg pardon, Madame Dionne, if thou wilt.
DIONNE
My thanks.
MURRAY
—Consider thou this point: street slang,
The idioms and language coming thence,
Increasingly is valid as a form
T’express oneself. Its pronouns feminine,
I shall admit, indeed have somewhat mocking—
Yet not misogynistic—undertones.
[Murray and Dionne smile at each other. Exit Murray.
TAI
The words come forth from ye like older folk,
Not childish like those to whom I’m accustom’d.
CHER
This school is excellent in ev’ry way,
A credit to the man whose name it bears:
One Amos Bronson Alcott, father to
Some gifted little women long ago.
TAI
I do desire a soda, to refresh
My palate. May I get ye one as well?
CHER
’Twould be delightful. Many thanks, sweet Tai.
[Tai walks aside, toward the cafeteria.
