by Ian Doescher
DIONNE
The lady is delightful—thou wert right.
CHER
A project for us both! I’ll warrant, Dee,
The time shall not go dully by us.
DIONNE
—Heigh!
[Dionne and Cher sit just outside the cafeteria. Tai waits in line next to Travis.
TRAVIS
[to Tai:] O wow, this food is most disgusting.
[Tai laughs.
I see the drawing on thy notebook—
’Tis a representation wondrous.
TAI
How kind thy words! The emblems on thy board—
Four-wheel’d, for skating quickly ’cross the grounds—
Are well array’d.
[They look at Travis’s skateboard.
TRAVIS
—O, think’st thou so, yea?
Methought they were mayhap too clutter’d.
My plan is soon to wipe the slate clear
To focus on a decorative
Main statement in the center of it,
Like Marvin—he, the Martian—thereon.
TAI
Coincidence beyond the pow’rs of heav’n!
I many times have drawn this Marvin, too,
And could for thee arrange an illustration.
TRAVIS
Indeed? Ability so wondrous!
TAI
Nay, there is little to the character,
A simple series of both lines and circles.
Wouldst see the sketches in my book?
TRAVIS
—Yea!
TAI
Behold.
[She shows him drawings in her notebook.
TRAVIS
—A spectacle amazing!
TAI
My thanks.
TRAVIS
—Thou drewest that by thy hand?
TAI
Forsooth, and more on pages subsequent.
TRAVIS
Thou didst not trace these from some other?
TAI
Nay, ’twas the work of mine own hand, I swear.
Behold another—oft have I drawn him.
TRAVIS
Is not that lovely? [Aside:] She is also!
TAI
Thou canst see other characters as well,
Such merry doodles of my wand’ring hand.
TRAVIS
They are as cute as ever I saw!
TAI
To draw is my delight.
TRAVIS
—Thou skill’d art!
TAI
Nay, ’tis a trifle.
TRAVIS
—I’m in earnest—
Thy talent no comparison hath.
[Tai joins Cher and Dionne, who eat their lunches. Travis sits elsewhere.
DIONNE
[to Cher:] The food thou eatest, is it truly free
Of ev’ry element that causeth fat?
CHER
Yea, and one loseth weight by cutting it
Into far smaller bites than usual.
’Tis science, pure and simple.
TAI
—Ladies, heed:
I’ve met a man who caus’d my heart to swoon.
CHER
Describe him to us, we may know the lad.
TAI
His hair is long, cascades like waterfall,
His wit is humorous beyond compare,
Match’d only by his generosity,
For quickly did he proffer me some smoke—
Behold him there!
[She waves to Travis, who waves back, dropping his food.
CHER
—By smoke, thou meanest drugs?
TAI
Yea, for to aid my creativity
I keep invention in a noted weed.
CHER
Tai, tell me plainly: what is thy young age?
TAI
Sixteen in May.
CHER
—My birthday is in April.
As someone older, wiser than thyself,
I must, perforce, share with thee some advice.
’Tis one thing to partake of doobies at
A party, where one sparketh up with friends;
Yet ’tis another quite to be fried always,
Thy brain e’er poison’d. I do know his spirit,
And will not trust one lazy as he with
A drug of such damn’d nature. Those he has
Will stupefy and dull the sense awhile;
With which, perchance, he first shall bake himself.
DIONNE
Canst thou see the distinction twixt these two:
A social smoking versus constant flames?
TAI
Methinks I can.
CHER
—Their type, the loadies, hang
About the grassy knoll, with hacky sacks.
They come to class and say their foolish lines—
Which we, as at a jester, laugh withal—
Yet no lass of respectable renown
Would seek a paramour among their kind.
Thou wouldst not start thy journey with a step
Ta’en in the wrong direction, wouldst thou?
TAI
—Nay.
CHER
A notion comes to mind that thou mayst like—
Shall we give thee a makeover, my friend?
DIONNE
’Twould be a joy!
TAI
—Nay, ’tis not fit for me.
DIONNE
Let us, I pray. ’Tis Cher’s main joy in life
To play at making over her companions.
It giveth her a sense of full control
Amidst of world of chaos and confusion—
’Midst such a calm her talents flourish quite.
CHER
I prithee, let us!
TAI
—Wherefore not? We shall!
Unusual this is, my friends, that I
Should have compeers responsible as ye.
CHER
Thy meaning, Tai, is enigmatical,
Yet let us homeward after school today
Where we this matter shall with joy pursue!
The reddish dye we’ll lather from your hair,
And paint thy face to seem most natural,
Whilst curling thine already wavy locks.
Thy clothes we shall with scissors shorten, that
Thy shirts expose some of thy lovely waist.
My closet, too, shall open’d be for thee,
That we may choose new garments thou mayst wear.
[Exeunt all students except Cher, Dionne, and Tai, who go to Cher’s house and change Tai’s appearance.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
BALTHASAR
[singing:] I care not what my teachers say,
A supermodel I shall be!
Yea, ev’ryone shall dress my way,
Wait for a trice and you shall see!
When supermodel I become,
My hair shall shine an ’twere the sea!
From shore to shore the people come
To learn how they may look like me!
[Exit Balthasar. Cher and Dionne look at Tai, who is transformed.
CHER
Aerobic exercise is just the thing
To keep thy body supple, lean, and fit.
DIONNE
I shall away, that you may have your sport.
[Exit Dionne. Cher and Tai exercise.
TAI
Alas, I am too tir’d to carry on.
Mine aching buns, they lack the feel of steel.
CHER
Each day’s exertions shall grow easier,
If thou be active ev’ry passing day,
And not sporadic’lly as thou mayst wish.
TAI
How does one know if ’tis sporadic’lly?
Methinks I may hurt my sporadic nerve.
Enter JOSH, unseen and listening.
CHER
“Sporadic nerve”? Alas, it seemeth thy
Vocabulary is sporadic, too.
We must work with thy words and accent, if
Thou wouldst be as presentable as I.
Mayhap thou shouldst repeat this phrase hereafter:
“The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.”
Learn, too, the meaning of this useful word:
Sporadic means once in a while, my dear.
Try thou to use it, sometime, in thy speech,
That thou becom’st accustom’d to its sound.
TAI
I shall, an it make me as wise as thee.
CHER
Hereafter, we shall cross-train, switching twixt
Our Lady Cindy Crawford’s masterwork—
Aerobicize, Zounds!—and that classic tome
Of fitness, even Steely Buns. Past this,
We shall both read one book—not school assign’d—
For education and enjoyment both.
My first selection’s Fit or Fat—Forsooth!
TAI
Mine is the timeless interstellar tale:
Men Hail from Mars, Whilst Women Hail from Venus.
CHER
An excellent selection, by my troth.
Thereby—with these exertions and these books—
Our minds and bodies both shall be improv’d.
Yet something, still, is lacking in our plan,
A means whereby to help humanity,
And show our ample generosity—
Endeavoring at least one hour or two.
JOSH
[coming forward:] Good even, wise ones.
CHER
[aside:] —Fie, the dreaded ex.
[To Tai:] Tai, this is Josh, my ex-stepbrother he.
JOSH
Well met, milady.
CHER
—Thou these matters know’st—
I would do something for humanity,
Some good to make my mark upon the world.
JOSH
Sterilization is a noble path,
To share no more Chers with a world in pain.
TAI
Ha, ha! A jest!
[Josh walks aside, to the kitchen, and Cher follows.
CHER
—Canst thou be serious?
What dost thou think of mine ambitious plan?
JOSH
I am amaz’d.
CHER
—That I so humbly give
Myself unto another person’s growth
With generosity and talent both?
JOSH
Nay, that thou someone e’en more clueless than
Thyself hast found to worship at thy feet.
CHER
Nay, I have rescued her from teenage hell—
Th’unspoken-of tenth level, worst of all,
Wherein burn jealous snipes and gossip snakes,
Unending misery for all within,
For wounds of adolescence never heal—
Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch’entrate!
JOSH
Thou, sans a mother of thine own, inflict’st
Thy fantasies of motherhood on her
Like she were Barbie, thou her alma mater.
CHER
Profound psychology of freshman year
Doth rear its head: Annoying 101.
JOSH
Nay, I’m no student of psychology.
CHER
The lost soul thou hast seen with me today
Shall soon be well array’d and popular,
Two things that thou most certainly are not.
Her life shall better be because of me.
JOSH
Another thing I certainly am not.
CHER
How many women could say thus of thee,
That they were much improvèd by your presence?
[They return to Tai.
TAI
[singing to herself:] The fresh is better, when ’tis Mentos fresh,
So fond and full of life!
[Speaking:] The freshmaker, e’en Mentos! What a song.
JOSH
’Twas my great pleasure making thine acquaintance.
I hope our paths shall cross again soon, Tai.
TAI
Yea, not sporadic’lly.
JOSH
[aside:] —I cannot tell
If this is an improvement or decline.
[Exit Josh.
CHER
Come, let us back to school and show thee off—
I’ll wager some shall not believe their eyes.
They walk back to school.
Enter DIONNE, joining them on the way.
DIONNE
Holla again, friends. Tai, thou comely art—
Thy new appearance fits thine inward beauty.
Enter various STUDENTS as CHER, TAI, and DIONNE enter the school grounds.
CHER
Behold how all the lads do baldly gawp,
As if they ne’er had beauty seen before!
Such an effect upon the weaker sex—
My heart doth burst for this, my Tai that binds.
DIONNE
Indeed, my soul is kvelling at the sight!
Enter TRAVIS.
TRAVIS
Cher, may I ask of thee a question?
CHER
Thou hast. Art done?
TRAVIS
—Doth Deamer teach thee?
CHER
Nay, I have Geist.
TRAVIS
—Thou art well met, Tai—
Didst thou receive a flyer from me?
TAI
Nay, I have none.
TRAVIS
—I prithee, take this.
[He hands her a flyer and exits.
TAI
Unto a party hath he summon’d me.
CHER
’Tis in the Valley. Surely the police
Shall stop the partying ere it begins—
Within an hour, which is how long it takes
To make the voyage thither anyhow.
DIONNE
The guest list shall be local loadies, too.
TAI
Yet think ye Travis shall attend as well?
I would delight to see him once again,
Especially within a social context.
DIONNE
Methought thou hadst mov’d on from thoughts of him.
CHER
I prithee, do not sell thyself so short—
Thou hast some capital none other hath.
TAI
Nay, nay, my maidenhead is not intact.
DIONNE
[aside:] No virgin she? I scann’d her high and low,
And neither hide nor hair of this did grasp.
CHER
Nay, better yet—thou art a mystery.
As far as all concernèd are, thou art
The lass most popular within the school.
The fact thou art a friend of Dee and I—
DIONNE
With humble spirit, I shall speak the truth:
It speaketh very highly of thy worth.
CHER
If thou dost strike while searing is the iron,
Thou shalt select whatever boy thou wish’st.
TAI
Who dost thou have in mind?
CHER
—Let me cons
ider
The lads who are available. A-ha!
The answer cometh quickly. Elton!
DIONNE
—Yea!
CHER
He and Folette broke recently enow.
TAI
Who is this Elton?
DIONNE
—One most popular,
Like one who doth our social crew direct,
To pull us all together as a group.
CHER
His dad is well-connected ’mongst musicians—
Thou shalt be welcom’d unto any concert.
I saw him gazing yesterday on thee,
As if he had a pow’rful periscope
And thou wert some impressive, looming ship.
TAI
Look’d he on me?
CHER
—Yea, and declar’d that thou
Didst make his tooth ache.
TAI
—Nay, how did I so?
CHER
’Tis an expression, telling of thy sweetness.
So sweet thou art, his tooth did ache thereby.
TAI
Indeed? The lad’s kind words could send a mouth
Entire to staggering in agony.
[Exit Tai.
DIONNE
Are thy words true? Spake Elton thus of her?
CHER
Nay. Mayhap, though, he shall when he knows her.
DIONNE
Thou art a naughty lady, I aver!
[Exeunt.
The Horowitz house.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
BALTHASAR
[singing:] We are young, we run green,
Keep our teeth passing clean,
See our friends, gaze on sights,
Nonny non, feel alright!
[Exit Balthasar.
Enter CHER, painting a portrait. Enter DIONNE, TAI, MURRAY, ELTON, AMBER, and SUMMER, posing for her.
CHER
O gather ye together, lovely friends.
Pray, Murray, give thy Dionne one small kiss,
That I may catch the vision on my canvas.
Smile, all, especially thou, lovely Tai—
Draw nearer unto Elton. Closer, still.
Thou, Elton, make thine arm encircle Tai,
To draw her in and make the picture whole.
ELTON
[aside:] So shall I do for thy sake, Cher, not hers.
CHER
A grouping beauteous, my splendid friends.
Here, Tai, take thou this flower in thy hand,
Which shall augment thy beauty natural.
ELTON
’Tis plain thou art a master artist, Cher.
CHER
Doth Tai not marv’lous look?
ELTON
—She’s beautiful.
CHER
A woman with a Botticelli frame,
Of reddish locks and loveliness profound,
Who off the canvas leapeth, as if she
Could not within a painting be constrain’d.
ELTON
Whatever portraits thou dost draw of her
