by Ian Doescher
Wouldst make this carriage be thy murder weapon?
CHER
Alas, ’twas my fault wholly.
INSTRUCT.
—What is this?
This pretense unto driving doth not make
Thee yet a driver—thou art not allow’d
To take both lanes, as if thou wert King Henry
And these two lanes were France and England both.
As I declar’d before, pull thou into
The lane upon the right, and do so now.
[Cher pulls into the lane, but in doing so strikes a parked carriage.
Nay, not so quickly! Wouldst thou slay us both?
Thou dost more damage than a hurricane!
CHER
Should I leave them a note, to say ’twas me?
INSTRUCT.
Pull over here; the carriage stop anon.
[Cher stops the carriage at the side of the lane. Exeunt other drivers and pedestrians.
CHER
Shall we drive elsewhere, that thou mayst observe
How skill’d I am at making left-hand turns?
INSTRUCT.
We shall return unto thy house at once—
My hands grasp’d firmly on the reins, not thine.
[He takes the reins and begins driving the back to Cher’s house.
CHER
The test is over?
INSTRUCT.
—Thankfully, ’tis so.
CHER
Did I, then, pass th’examination, sir?
INSTRUCT.
Consult we two the notes that I have made—
Thou shalt know whether thou hast made the grade.
Point one: thou art a failure at the art
Of parking carriages upon the road.
Point two: thou causest great catastrophes
When thou attempt’st to switch betwixt two lanes.
Point three: thou art a threat to humankind
When thou dost try to make a right-hand turn.
Point four: thou damag’st private property
As thou dull-wittedly dost drive along.
Point five: thou nearly kill’d a human soul
By striking them withal thy vehicle.
Concluding point: were I a betting man,
I’d venture thou hast fail’d th’examination.
CHER
Ha, failure? Nay, be merciful, say “death.”
For failure hath more terror in his look,
Much more than death; do not say I have fail’d!
O, may we not begin again, I pray—
A problem personal doth plague my soul,
Which causeth me to drive with care too short.
Thou saw’st how the pedestrian appear’d
As though they had been conjur’d from the air—
A rabbit pull’d from a magician’s hat!
Grant me another chance, and thou shalt see
That I shall concentrate most ardently.
In general, I am a driver skill’d!
Is there not someone else to whom I may
Converse, complain, convince, and make my case—
Thy supervisor, mayhap? For thou canst
Not be the be-all and the end-all in
The issuing of driver’s licenses!
INSTRUCT.
As far as thou concernèd are, rash girl,
I am Messiah of all licensing,
The lord and savior of the driving world,
The alpha and omega of thy chances.
[They arrive at Cher’s house.
Pray, disembark. Thou shalt not drive today.
[Cher gets out of the carriage and walks into her house. Exit instructor.
CHER
It beggars all belief that I did fail!
Ne’er have I met a failure that I could
Not argue my way therefrom. Is this how
Most ordinary human beings feel?
Enter TAI and JOSH, playing a game together. TAI holds a box.
TAI
Holla, thou art return’d!
JOSH
—Cher, welcome home—
Apologies for how we parted ways.
How doth it feel to have thy driver’s license?
CHER
Those fine sensations I cannot describe;
I fail’d my test.
TAI
—O Cher, my sympathy.
CHER
Josh, spare me all thy lecturing profound
Upon the subject of the art of driving—
How ’tis a vast responsibility
At which, by feigning, one shall not succeed.
JOSH
Thou drivest ev’ry thought thereof from me—
Those words are thine, not mine.
CHER
—Thy thoughts speak loud
Enow that I may clearly hear the words.
TAI
Cher, let us talk awhile, for I have aught
That I would show thee, which may change thy mien.
JOSH
’Tis my cue, then, to bid you both farewell.
[Exit Josh. Cher and Tai sit next to the fireplace.
TAI
I am most sorry, hearing of thy test,
Yet am so glad thou hast, at length, arriv’d.
There is a deed that doth fulfillment need,
But I’d not undertake it sans thine aid.
Canst sparkle still the right Promethean fire?
CHER
Indeed. One moment, and we shall have flames.
[Cher lights the fire.
The box thou carriest—what is therein?
TAI
’Tis some few trifles that bring Elton to
My mind, and we two—like Pandora—shall
Discover ev’ry evil held within.
Unlike the lass of old, though, we’ll not set
Them free upon the world, but burn them in
The pyre and so release me of their woes.
My heart hath mov’d beyond him, I am sure.
CHER
Let it be open’d!
TAI
—Dost thy mind recall
The party in the Valley, where a shoe
Did strike upon my pate and knock me cold?
Kind Elton brought a tow’l with ice to help.
CHER
[aside:] ’Twas Travis who brought ice, as I recall.
TAI
I was embarrass’d, at the time, to tell,
But I brought home the tow’l as souvenir.
[Tai pulls the towel from the box and throws it on the fire.
CHER
Thou art in jest! A towel?
TAI
—Even so!
Remember thou the song that play’d whilst we
Were dancing happily together, he
And I—’twas that “roll with the homies” song?
CHER
A tune forgettable, and I’d forgot.
TAI
In sentiment, I did the music buy,
And play’d it over nearly ev’ry night.
CHER
Tai, I am happy for thee. Tell me, what
Brought on this swelling of empowerment?
TAI
I met a man whose character amazeth,
Who makes rank Elton seem most loserly.
CHER
News wonderful!
TAI
—Wilt thou help me win Josh?
CHER
To win Josh what? Thou wouldst win him a prize?
TAI
My meaning is as plain as my delight—
I like him; gladly would I be with him.
CHER
Think’st thou his disposition’s mutual?
TAI
Yea, I do spy some marks of love in him.
CHER
What signs or signals hath he given thee?
TAI
The littlest items speak with loudest voice:
He findeth ways to touch or tickle me.
Recall when we were, lately, at the fest,
And I felt lost, forsaken, and depress’d—
He rescu’d me by asking me to dance,
And whilst we danc’d he flirted like a child.
Thy face, though, looketh pale—say, art thou well?
CHER
I shall be. [Aside:] Nay, I cannot tell the truth.
[To Tai:] Two mochaccinos did I have, which was
At least one drink too many—I may burst!
TAI
The feeling is precisely known to me—
The other day, as I convers’d with Josh,
We did discuss the difference betwixt
The girls of high school versus college girls.
The girls of college paint their faces less,
Which is why lads prefer them over us—
CHER
Tai, dost thou think that Josh and thou will work?
Is it a pairing made for tales of love?
He is a bookworm, nerdy in the height.
TAI
Have I a head of air, and nothing more?
Dost think me challeng’d mentally?
CHER
—Nay, no!
Those words are thine, not mine.
TAI
—Then, dost thou mean
My status is not high enow for Josh?
CHER
You two shall not mesh well together, Tai—
’Tis like the one is oil, the other water.
TAI
Thou dost believe we never shall mesh well?
Why do I listen to thee anywise?
A virgin with no driver’s license, thou.
CHER
’Tis wondrous harsh, past all necessity.
TAI
Apologies that I struck thee so low.
Let us attempt another parley once
Our strong emotions mellow for a spell.
Time heals all wounds, so doth the saying go.
Until that moment, I bid thee adieu.
[Exit Tai.
CHER
What have I done to my relationships?
Tai is a monster of mine own design,
A Gorgon with a steely-ey’d resolve.
My gorge is rising, mighty chunks therein,
That I shall vomit if I get not air—
I must outside, and rest myself awhile.
[She walks outside, through the streets.
All that I think and do is proven wrong!
Wrong over Elton and his purposes,
Wrong over Christian and what he desires,
Wrong over Josh and how I should treat him.
To one conclusion doth the kettle boil,
Which bubbles over with its meaning plain:
I am a clueless lass, and nothing more!
The Josh and Tai romance, if it be so,
Hath overwrought my mind enormously.
Why should I be concern’d? Tai is my friend!
I never shall begrudge her happiness—
If she has suitors, should I not be glad?
Why hath she, though, besotted been with Josh?
He dresseth like a jester wanting laughs,
He listeneth to music horrible,
He is not even cute, convention’lly.
He is more slug than man, who hangs around
The house and bothers me with teasing jibes.
How I recall our scenes domestic, he
With mouth stuff’d full of savory delights.
He hath no sense of rhythm, cannot dance—
In sooth, I could not take him anywhere.
Before mine eyes I see him at the party,
As he did jump around with bunny hops.
Yet, wherefore do I stress about him so?
This is but Josh. Indeed, he is a Baldwin—
With Alec’s gentle smile and lovely hair,
And William’s youthfulness and sense of style,
With Stephen’s frame and utter goofiness,
And Daniel’s reticence and striking eyes.
My heart hath memoriz’d his lovely smile,
Like light that brightens up the darkest room.
What joy, though, would he find in Tai’s embrace?
What could he see in her, a simple girl,
He who is older, more intelligent.
Mayhap he hath the sculptor’s eye, which sees
Not lump of rock but beauty just beneath,
And then by skill reveals a work of art.
Methinks she would not make him happy long—
Josh needeth someone with imagination,
A person who can render him the care
He needs, for in some areas he’s weak,
E’en someone who will laugh at all his jests,
Though some deserve but little merriment.
A-ha! The truth is on me suddenly—
[The fountain behind Cher suddenly springs forth with water and light.
Eureka, I have fall’n in love with Josh!
Josh, he whom I have known since I was small,
Who tickles me and jabs me when nearby,
Who gives me cause to smile when I am sad,
Whose presence is a comfort in itself,
Who help’d me learn to drive my carriage well,
Whom I do dearly love to torment so,
Who, all these years, hath been a friend to me—
By heaven, it is he I love, none other!
Completely, totally, and majorly
My heart doth move toward him utterly!
[Exit.
The Horowitz house.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
BALTHASAR
[singing:] When I was younger, needed I no one
And making love was sport I plied for fun—
Those days are gone,
I live alone.
I think of all the friends whom I have known
But when I call on them they are not home,
All by myself, I would not be
All by myself, I should not be.
[Exit Balthasar.
Enter CHER and JOSH. They sit together, reading sections of a newspaper, but she appears bewildered and rigid.
CHER
[aside:] Now that I know the yearnings of my heart,
How shall I act when I am near my Josh?
In ordinary circumstances, I
Would strut, like pretty-plumèd peacock—by
His side, array’d in garments au courant,
Would send myself bouquets or chocolates,
Yet how can I ply petty games with Josh?
JOSH
What is the matter, Cher?
CHER
—What meanest thou?
JOSH
Thy wont is to be noisier than this—
Thou art as silent as a mouse in church.
Here we have sat awhile, yet thou hast not
Discuss’d the Real World goings-on as yet.
CHER
The real world doth present itself in news—
Reports of all the sadness of the globe,
Which I attend with open, eager ears.
JOSH
This is a change—news ne’er did int’rest thee,
Or such thou ever didst report to me.
CHER
Now have I chang’d.
JOSH
—Yet thou dost look con
fus’d.
CHER
Methought they had declar’d a final peace
For all who dwell within the Middle East,
Yet these reports describe more skirmishes
Among the peoples of those nations proud.
JOSH
[aside:] Was e’er a silly mind so beautiful,
So simple, and so open unto hope?
[To Cher:] I must to class. ’Til later, au revoir.
[Exit Josh. Cher begins pacing in front of her father’s office.
Enter MEL HOROWITZ.
MEL
Cher, come thou hither.
[Cher goes to him.
CHER
—Father, what is it?
MEL
Unless thou hast into a vulture turn’d—
Which paceth to and fro and back and forth
Until a living animal hath turn’d
To carrion that sates the appetite—
Thou shouldst not tut about like one who waits.
Hast thou some matter burning in thy heart
That causeth thee to fret and sigh and groan?
Why dost thou dance athwart my office door
As if thou had some issue to discuss
Yet wert afraid to bring the matter forth?
CHER
Naught, nay, not I. Mere help I’d proffer thee,
If thou hadst any task for mine employ.
MEL
A gracious and most admirable lass—
Thou canst give aid, if thou art willing. See,
Here is a deposition for review.
Look carefully upon the records here—
Each time thou comest on a dialogue
That happen’d on September third last year,
Take thou the quill and make thy mark beside,
That later we may spot it easily.
September third—no other date but this.
CHER
I understand and shall fulfill the task.
[Cher takes the papers and the quill and begins working.
MEL
[aside:] To have my daughter working by my side—
Was ever father fortunate as I?
In all my visions of a future time,
Ne’er did I dare to hope it would be thus.
[To Cher:] ’Tis somewhat fun, is’t not?
CHER
—I would not call
My friends together for a game like this,
Yet ’tis a task agreeable enow.
May I ask, Father: didst thou ever have
A problem that thou couldst not argue thy
Way therefrom? Hast thou ever met with such?
MEL
[aside:] My guileless daughter is as plain to read
As volumes set in letters printed large—
I knew there was some matter on her heart.
[To Cher:] Tell me the problem and, together, we
Shall figure out the argument it needs.
CHER
