by Ian Doescher
There is a lad—
MEL
[aside:] —There ever is, in troth!
CHER
Yet he hath set his heart on someone else.
MEL
How could that be? Thou art Cher Horowitz!
Thy popularity hath e’er excell’d,
Thy powers of persuasion are renown’d,
Thy witticisms are unmatchable,
Thy splendor known to all who look on thee.
CHER
I know not, Father, yet I wretched feel—
Rejected by the man I so admire.
I am accustom’d to the highest place,
Yet must accept I merely am next best—
An unpick’d choice within a narrow field,
A second-place contestant in a race,
An also-ran unto a better mare.
MEL
This errant boy, whoever he may be—
Whatever parents poorly brought him up—
Moronic is, and guilty of a crime
Against humanity: neglecting thee.
In all the Hills of Beverly, there is
No lass whose beauty—inside, outside both—
Surpasseth thine. Thou art th’epitome
Of what a modern woman hopes to be.
I shall speak plainly: ’tis my ardent hope
Thou shalt not waste thy time with such a one
Who is so blind, so foolish, and so cruel.
CHER
The truth is, he is most intelligent—
A scholar, stuff’d with knowledge and keen sense.
He is the type of person to do good,
To think of others in their lowly state
And seek how they may gain equality.
Mine own activities seem far too small—
The after-school commitments I fulfill,
Compar’d to him, still are not good enow.
MEL
How canst thou say this? Or, indeed, e’en think’t?
Who taketh care of ev’ryone herein?
Who watches over all within our house?
Who doth insist her father eateth well?
Cher, verily, I’ve not seen such good done
Since thy sweet mother, whom I love, hath died.
CHER
O, Father, truly?
MEL
—I’d not lie to thee—
Thy spirit is too honest for deceit.
Though I may ply duplicity in court,
Thou art the judge to whom I’ll swear to tell
The truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth.
Now, to thy work, thou sweet and precious lamb.
Thou ne’er shall know how fortunate I am.
[Exeunt.
Bronson Alcott High School, the Horowitz house, and the park.
Enter LADY TOBY GEIST.
GEIST
O misery, what I have learn’d today—
Our friends in Pismo Beach, which is a town
Not far from where we live, have been beset
By a disaster worse than can be nam’d!
A rare southwester wind hath ravag’d them
With hurricane that left the coastal town
So flooded that the people living there
Have lost near ev’rything. By heav’n above,
Why were the gods so angry at this hamlet?
They say the monarch butterflies are gone,
Which migrate ev’ry year to Pismo Beach—
The butterflies, the butterflies, alack!
Shall not e’en butterflies be spar’d this wrath?
My class arriveth any moment—I
Must strong be, and will draw them, if I may,
Into a project to save Pismo Beach,
Where I have spent so many happy days
And tasted all the clams that I can eat.
Enter CHER, DIONNE, TAI, ELTON, and other STUDENTS, sitting down for class.
Come, students, feel the ardor of my speech,
And let your hearts incline to Pismo Beach!
CHER
[aside:] The Pismo Beach disaster is the theme
That I, in class, should think upon today,
Yet on my mind is something else entirely—
I need a makeover profound, complete,
But this time ’tis my soul to be made o’er.
What makes someone a better person, though?
Is it some designation from on high,
Divine announcement of a person’s good?
My friends are good in manners myriad:
Kind Christian wants whatever he observes
To be both beautiful and interesting.
When Dionne and her Murray think that none
Are watching them, they are considerate
Of one another’s thoughts and points of view,
As one would never know who saw them sparring.
Poor Lady Geist—she cries at tragedies,
Which strike her very center with their weight.
E’er doth she strive to win our lazy hearts—
Get us involv’d in causes virtuous—
No matter how intensely we resist.
GEIST
What we have read within the news today
Cannot begin to tell the horrid tale—
Each mem’ry, each possession that you have,
Imagine if ’twere stripp’d away at once,
Gone with the wind, and no one gives a damn.
Can ye imagine how such things must feel?
[Elton raises his hand.
Yea, Elton, thou opinion hast thereon?
ELTON
Pray, Lady Geist, may I use our hall pass?
GEIST
Thou mayst. Class, we shall soon collect some goods,
Which may be sent to folk in Pismo Beach
To help them to their swift recovery:
Warm blankets, swaddling clothes for newborn babes,
Nonperishable foodstuffs.
CHER
—Lady Geist?
GEIST
What is it, Cher?
CHER
—I fain would help thy cause.
GEIST
[aside:] Surprising and most gracious offer, this!
[To Cher:] ’Twould be delightful—gladly I accept!
[The bell rings. Exeunt all except Cher, who walks home.
CHER
Already doth a weight lift from my soul!
The people poor and pain’d of Pismo Beach
Shall meet another force of nature: Cher.
She enters the house. Enter MEL HOROWITZ, JOSH, and many CLERKS working together.
Sweet father, I am home to gather food
To help the denizens of Pismo Beach;
Remember the red caviar thou bought’st?
Thou didst not like it, would not more consume?
MEL
What is she doing?
JOSH
—She’s thy daughter, Mel.
If thou know’st not, I too am clueless, sir.
[Cher goes to her room and begins looking through her wardrobe.
CHER
[aside:] My clothing, too! Of mine abundance I
Shall happily and generously give—
So many items out of fashion are
That I may part with them most painlessly.
[She gathers clothing in bags and carries them to the front of the house, past her father, Josh, and the lawyers. She gathers skis and tennis rackets.
MEL
What art thou doing, Cher? Thou flit’st about 70
Like mother bird constructing her new nest.
Canst thou give me compelling reason for
The hustle an
d the bustle thou art at?
CHER
’Tis beating in my mind—I’m captain of
The Pismo Beach Disaster Aid Brigade.
MEL
Methinks they shall not need thy cast-off skis.
CHER
Some people lost their every possession—
Think’st thou their losses do not reach unto
Equipment for athletics, Father, eh?
MEL
Josh, speak: is this thine influence at work?
JOSH
Who knows or can recount the ways of Cher?
[Exeunt Mel and lawyers. Cher begins walking back to school carrying all of the goods she has collected.
[Aside:] Cher labors strenuously at this task—
Behemoth in proportion to the tasks
She undertaketh in her daily toil.
Already hath she gather’d many bags
Of household items for her enterprise.
’Tis like she’d slay Leviathan to serve
A people she ne’er hath nor ne’er will meet.
How telling of the lady’s character.
[Exit Josh. Cher returns to school.
CHER
Come, citizens of Bronson Alcott High,
And join me in a generous crusade!
The weary folk in Pismo Beach—beset
By danger and disaster all around—
Shall know that we, in Hills of Beverly,
Have heard their cries resounding in our ears,
Such that our caring hearts were movèd to
Respond unto their plight immediately!
Enter MURRAY, DIONNE, TAI, ELTON, AMBER, and other STUDENTS bearing various goods, raising banners about the Pismo Beach disaster, and gathering donations into boxes. Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
BALTHASAR
[singing:] Shake ye the ground, ’tis action that I need!
Such shall let me burst forth at utmost speed.
Be certain, this is all ye e’er shall need
To live the higher meaning of your creed.
[Exit Balthasar.
CHER
[to student:] Canst take these pieces thou hast hither brought
And place them with the bedding items yon?
My gratitude, that thou deliver’d them.
Enter LADY TOBY GEIST.
O, Lady Geist, I need more boxes, ma’am.
These we were given nearly are fill’d up.
GEIST
So soon? What noble work thy team hath done!
CHER
The boxes are divided into halves:
One box for appetizers, one for entrées—
Though people may be hungry, they must eat
With the sophistication that’s their wont.
GEIST
Er…yes. Well done—I shall have these ta’en hence.
Enter TRAVIS, bearing boxes.
TRAVIS
Holla, Cher, I have brought donations.
CHER
My thanks! ’Tis decent, Travis, in the height.
[She looks through the boxes and pulls out a pipe.
Thou brought’st this implement for folks’ relief?
TRAVIS
By Jove, I did not know if ’twas right.
Of it I’ve no need anymore, yet
Nor would I e’er deny another
Great pleasures therefrom if they want them.
CHER
Undoubtedly someone will love to have’t!
TRAVIS
Another word I must deliver:
I owe thee mine apologies for
Thy shoes I damag’d at the party.
CHER
Which shoes were those?
TRAVIS
—Red ones with strap things.
CHER
No bother, they were from last season born,
And fall behind what is in fashion now.
What made thee think on them, that thou felt mov’d
Most needlessly to render thy regrets?
TRAVIS
’Tis one of my new steps. My new club—
It hath these steps, a certain number…
CHER
Twelve steps?
TRAVIS
—Indeed! How knewest thou, Cher?
Twelve like the astrological signs,
Twelve like the group of first apostles,
Twelve like the extra Seahawks teammate,
Twelve like the angry men in stories.
CHER
’Twas just my guess.
TRAVIS
—A guess most wondrous!
One final thing: take thou this flyer.
[He hands her a somewhat crumpled piece of paper.
CHER
What do these letters ASL denote?
TRAVIS
The Amateur Skateboarding League, sooth.
The clarity I’ve found has brought me
Unto a whole new skating level—
Thou must behold it. Wilt thou join me
On Saturday, my deeds to witness?
CHER
I shall. [Aside:] How good it feels to bring him joy!
TRAVIS
’Tis wonderful. Until the weekend!
CHER
And for this pipe—take it to kitchenware?
TRAVIS
Well thought! ’Tis where I us’d to keep it.
[Exeunt all but Cher.
CHER
The next days pass’d, delighted and content.
My heart, with my newfound activities,
Began to lift. ’Tis certain giving back
And helping others in their time of need
Doth wonders for the egocentric soul.
How sweet of Travis to look past my wrongs,
The ways that I have him slander’d him before,
And find the grace t’invite me to his show.
With eagerness I look’d to Saturday—
Where once I might have scoff’d at Travis and
Been mortified to see his skateboard act,
Now I look forward to the great event.
Enter TRAVIS among other SKATERS and the AUDIENCE at the skateboard exhibition. An ANNOUNCER introduces SKATERS as they perform to cheers. Enter TAI, approaching CHER.
TAI
Cher, may we speak? My heart is burning, friend.
CHER
Of course.
TAI
—In agony my soul has dwelt
This past week whole. Yea, I cannot believe
The angry and excessive words I us’d,
Which set a barrier twixt thee and me.
CHER
’Tis I descend a spiral built of shame!
How unsupportive and unkind I was,
That I could not hear of thy love for Josh.
TAI
Thou art entitl’d to thine own opinion—
’Twas I who did thee wrong, not thou to me.
From our first meeting, thou wert ever kind—
Forsooth, Cher, hear my words: I would not wish
Any companion in the world but thee.
CHER
Still, if ’twere not for my o’eractive mind—
My vain endeavors to create a match—
Thou never wouldst for Elton spar’d a thought.
Apologies, Tai.
TAI
—I am sorry, Cher!
Now shall I weep, with tears of happiness.
CHER
Let us make solemn vows to never fight.
[They embrace.
ANNOUNC.
The skater next upon our merry ramp
Is Travis Birkenstock. Pray wish him well,
That our half-pipe be wh
olly his today!
CHER
[to Tai:] ’Tis Travis! Let us sit and watch him skate!
[They sit. Travis skates majestically.
[Aside:] How easy ’tis, another to dismiss—
As I observ’d him making jests in class,
Appearing dimmer than a nighttime shadow,
Ne’er had I guess’d he had such art within.
TAI
Hurrah for Travis!
CHER
—I had no idea
He was so motivated by this sport.
TAI
Such have I known for months, ’tis clear in him!
CHER
[aside:] Behold the sparks the sizzle through the air
Twixt Tai and Travis, two true treasures they!
Their love is like a fire that’s set to blaze.
I see it in her eye—no thought of Josh
Remaineth in her steady, fervent gaze.
They shall be join’d as one, a romance pure—
Their hearts in passion amorous entwin’d,
Despite the meddling I had once design’d.
[Exeunt.
The Horowitz house.
Enter JOSH and a CLERK, working.
JOSH
[aside:] This case is tedious past ev’ry measure,
Yet hath a trifold purpose, verily:
To render some assistance unto Mel,
To grow mine understanding of the law,
And to keep me within the house, near Cher.
Enter CHER, with her hair in braids.
CHER
How goes the work? I’ll help thee, if thou wish’st.
JOSH
My wish is thine, an thou wilt help me work.
[She sits next to him. They grin and glance at each other.
Thy hair hath the appearance of a girl’s—
Is Pippi Longstocking thy paragon?
CHER
That hat gives thee the mien of Forrest Gump.
I prithee, who is Pippi Longstocking?
[Cher unbinds her braid and shakes out her hair, while Josh watches her fondly.
JOSH
A part Mel Gibson never hath portray’d.
CHER
Thou art turn’d jester.
CLERK
[aside:] —I may vomit yet—
These two flirt like two cottontails in heat.
[To Josh:] What happen’d to the files that were just here,
For August twenty-eighth?
JOSH
—Beg pardon, what?
CLERK
Mel wanted them tonight, and there were once
Full double the amount that sit here now.
He shall erupt in anger—where are they?
CHER
Alas, methinks I check’d their content for
The conversations of September third.
CLERK
E’en so?
JOSH
—Where didst thou put them, Cher?
