Edge of Forever

by Sherryl Woods

  She took a deep breath and began again. Eyes closed, she spoke in a whisper, slowly, each hesitation an instant in which she relived the devastating horror of that last night with Sam.

  “You know the background. This time it all started at a party, I guess. Sam pulled me into the kitchen and accused me of flirting with some man. I don’t really remember who, and it doesn’t matter. It was always someone. His accusations were an excuse. When I denied everything, he pinned me against the wall and grabbed a butcher knife. He—”

  She swallowed the lump in her throat. “He held it to my neck. I could feel the blade pressing against my skin.”

  She shuddered and clasped her arms around her middle. “Maybe it was because there were people nearby. Maybe it was just that I’d finally had too much and didn’t care anymore. I don’t know. Maybe I’d finally found my last shred of self-respect. Whatever it was, I screamed. I said if he ever came near me again, I’d kill him.”

  “And some people heard you say that.”

  “Everyone heard. They’d run toward the kitchen when they first heard me scream. Sam let me go, tried to make a joke of it. It was an awkward moment and everyone was obviously very relieved it was over. They were glad to take him at his word. But I knew that wasn’t the end. I knew things would be worse than ever when we got home.”

  “Then why did you go? Why didn’t you stay with a friend? Go to your parents? Anything, except go home with him.”

  Dana laughed, the sound echoing bitterly. “Would you believe that after all he’d done to me, I was still embarrassed? I still didn’t want anyone to know. Everyone loved Sam. He was a real charmer. They only accepted me for his sake. My old school friends…I guess I’d cut myself off from them after the wedding. I’d tried so hard to fit in with his crowd.”

  When Nick attempted to protest, she stopped him. “No. It was true. In his circles I was an outsider. Because of that, I was at first afraid they wouldn’t believe me. And then, after it had gone on for a while, I was too damned embarrassed to admit to anyone that I hadn’t left him before.”

  “But just that one night, Dana. People knew you’d had a fight. No one would have questioned it if you’d just asked for a place to stay until your tempers cooled. They wouldn’t have had to know about the rest.”

  “It all makes perfect sense when you say it, but you have to understand the syndrome. After a while you begin to feel utterly defeated and alone. You can’t understand the true meaning of despair, Nick, until you’ve lived with it day after day, month after month. Not only that, Sam had repeatedly warned me that if I told anyone, if I tried to leave him, he’d come after me and make whoever took me in pay. I couldn’t put anyone else at risk like that. And always, in the back of my mind, was that slim hope that this time would be different, that the wonderful man I’d fallen in love with would return, that he would be gentle and caring the way he was when we met. Some tiny part of me still loved that man.”

  She caught Nick’s incredulous gaze, then glanced away. “I read something an abused woman in Maryland said not long ago. She said her marriage, her love for her husband in spite of all he’d done to her, was like an addiction. I think she’s right. Making the decision to get out is no easier than kicking a drug habit or quitting smoking. All the well-meaning advice in the world won’t make you leave, until you can admit to yourself that there is a problem.”

  “After all you’d been through, you couldn’t admit even that much?”

  “Not until that night. Until then, I had seen it as my failure.”

  Nick listened to the words and she could see that he was still tormented by the struggle to accept the twisted emotion behind them. Perhaps no one who hadn’t experienced something like her situation could ever understand. She had made the only choices she could at the time, but she had learned from her mistakes. She would never again allow herself to be a victim.

  “So you left together,” Nick said, his tone dispassionate. It was as if he’d fought for objectivity and now clung to it desperately. “Did you fight on the way home?”

  “No, the silence in the car was almost eerie. But by the time we got to our apartment, I thought maybe the worst of it was over after all.”

  Her lips curved in a wry grin. “’Hope springs eternal….’ Isn’t that what they say? As it turned out, that ride was simply the calm before an even more violent storm.”

  “What happened?”

  “I went upstairs to the loft and began to get ready for bed. Sam stayed in the living room and had another drink. By the time he stumbled up the stairs, he was muttering jealous accusations again.

  “I heard him and knew what was going to happen. I ran for the bathroom, planning to lock myself in, but he caught me. He grabbed my arm and whirled me around.” Unconsciously she rubbed her arm where the bruises had marred her delicate skin for days afterward. She closed her eyes and the images flooded back.

  “Sam was a handsome man, but that night his face was twisted with fury. He was somebody I couldn’t even recognize. It was a frightening transformation, as if he’d finally gone over the edge. He was beyond thinking, beyond reasoning.

  “When he pulled back his fist to hit me, something finally snapped inside me for the second time that night. I woke up to the reality. I knew then that things would never change, that if I didn’t get myself out I was condemning myself to an eternal hell. I was the only one who could decide how I was going to spend the rest of my life.”

  “And so you fought back.”

  “This time I fought back with more strength than I imagined I had. I hit him first. The blow wasn’t much, but it was enough to throw him off balance, and I ran toward the stairs. He lunged after me.”

  Her eyes clamped more tightly shut as tears began to roll down her cheeks. Even with her eyes closed, the visions came back, as vivid as the night it had happened. She shuddered.

  “God, it was awful. Sam was very drunk, clumsy. I shoved him back, moved out of the way.”

  Suddenly she was choking, sobbing as the memories flooded back. “He…he threw…threw himself at me again.”

  She covered her face with hands that were shaking violently. “Then—I can’t remember how—then he was falling, head over heels, down the stairs. Maybe I even pushed him. I don’t know. There are a few missing seconds in my mind, a complete blank. The psychiatrist says I’ll remember when I’m ready.”

  “Oh, babe.” Nick reached out to her, but she shivered and pulled away.

  The words came faster now, as if by getting them all out, by telling the whole story, it would somehow cleanse her at last.

  “When I came to, I was standing at the top of the steps, shaking, staring down at him, his body all crumpled, his leg stuck out at an odd angle. I thought I heard him moan, but I was terrified to go down there. I couldn’t bear the thought of touching him. It must have been ten minutes or more before I finally called the rescue squad, but it was too late. He was dead.”

  She sighed heavily and opened her eyes. “I’d already guessed as much. The police came and they called Sam’s parents in Omaha. His mother was hysterical. She had to be hospitalized. Later they made a lot out of the fact that I was so calm. The doctor said it was due to shock, but Sam’s mother and father didn’t see it that way. Then a few people came forward and told about the threat I’d made at the party. The whole thing blew up into a pretty nasty scandal.”

  “But, Dana, it wasn’t murder. It was an accident. That’s all, and it’s over now.”

  She shook her head. “That’s what the court said, but it will never be over. His parents can’t let it go. They’ve convicted me.”

  Her voice was flat and she stared at Nick with eyes that were empty. “And don’t you see? That’s not what really matters anyway, because of the way I felt.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I was glad he was dead.” Her tear-filled eyes gazed at Nick and her chin lifted defiantly. “I didn’t mean to do it, I didn’t mean for it to go that far,
but I was glad that it was finally over. What kind of person does that make me?”

  “A desperate one. A woman who had been hurt time and time again by a man she loved.”

  Nick’s own eyes were damp and his whole body seemed to be shaking, but he took her in his arms and held her until both their trembling abated. Dana clung to him, drawing on his strength.

  “Oh, babe, it’s going to be okay,” he promised. “It may take some time, but it will be okay.”

  Dana wanted desperately to believe Nick, but she’d lived through too much to believe in miracles. “You can’t dismiss it that easily, Nick. Sam Brantley is dead because of me, and his parents will see to it that the story follows me wherever I go.”

  “There must be a way to stop them. We can see a lawyer this afternoon.”

  “It’s too late. People here already know. I don’t know how they found out, but they’ve obviously heard something. You’ve seen how I’ve been shunned the last few weeks. The word is spreading. It’s bound to blow up pretty soon. The Brantleys won’t rest until it does.”

  “Then that’s all the more reason for us to fight back.”

  “For me to fight back, not us, Nick. It’s my battle, one I’d hoped to avoid, but I’m going to stay here and fight it. I like River Glen. I’m happy with my new life. I won’t let them take it away from me. I won’t be victimized again.”

  She touched his lips with trembling fingers. “It’s different for you, though. If you stay with me now, it will kill whatever chances you might have for a state or national political office.”

  “How can you even think about something like that? To hell with a political office, if the cost includes giving you up. Being a politician has never been my dream.”

  “But Betsy told me—”

  “She told you that people around here think I should run for the General Assembly. That doesn’t mean I’ve wanted to. I like what I do. Being a contractor, a father to Tony and maybe someday a husband to you—that’s all I want. I have a good life, Dana. A rich, full life. I don’t need to be running off to Richmond or Washington.”

  “If you gave that up for me, though, I could never forgive myself. It’s more than enough for me just to know you’d be willing to.”

  “I’m not giving up anything important. Maybe if we hadn’t met, I would have run for office just because it would have filled the empty spaces in my life, given me something meaningful to do after Tony’s grown. But there are no empty spaces now.”

  Dana watched in wonder as he opened his arms. She tried to read his expression, searching for doubts, but there were none. She found only unquestioning love that sent a wild thrill coursing through her.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Very sure.”

  After an endless hesitation, she nodded and stepped into his arms.

  Chapter 13

  The provocative sensation of Dana nestled in his arms, drawing comfort from his embrace, her body settled between his splayed legs, stirred far more than Nick’s protective instincts. He wanted her with an untimely, unreasoning desire. For weeks now he had tempered his ardor, but he could no more. His blood roared through his veins, stirring a fierce, urgent passion. A low moan rumbled deep in his throat as he tightened his arms around her.

  “I need you, Nick.” The tentatively spoken appeal wrenched his heart.

  “You have me, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Round eyes, shimmering with tears, stared back at him. “No. I mean I really need you. I need to be with you.” Her voice broke. “Please. Make love to me, Nick. Help me prove to myself that I can still feel.”

  His heart hammered harder. He brushed her mussed hair back from her face and studied her expression. He was searching for a hint of the fear he’d seen so often in her eyes whenever he’d openly wanted her. He understood that fear now, knew its cause, and he wanted no part in resurrecting it. If he had to wait forever for Dana to feel right about the two of them as lovers, he would.

  “Are you sure? You’re very vulnerable right now. I don’t want to take advantage of that.”

  “But you do want me, don’t you?”

  He drew in a ragged breath. “Oh, yes. Never doubt that, Dana. I want you so badly it frightens me. I’ve spent weeks lying awake at night wanting to hold you in my arms, wanting to explore every inch of your body with my kisses, wanting to bury myself in you. But now, Dana? Today? I don’t know.”

  She bit her lower lip to still the trembling. “Because of what you found out about me? Does it bother you so much?”

  He ached for her and cursed himself for raising new self-doubts in her. He should have realized instantly that this had been her greatest fear of all, that this was what had kept her silent.

  “No, my love. It’s not that. I swear it. I don’t blame you for anything that happened in your past. I just don’t want you to have regrets. If we make love now, with all that’s gone on today, won’t you wonder later why you did it?”

  She shook her head, her brown eyes never leaving his face. They shone with surprising self-confidence.

  “I know why, Nick. I love you. I was afraid to admit it before today. Even if you can’t love me, I have to tell you how I feel.”

  She rubbed an unsteady finger across his lips and they burned in the wake of that fiery, gentle touch. “You’ve made me feel whole again. No matter what happens between us, you’ve given me that and no one will ever take that feeling from me again.”

  She said it solemnly, with absolute conviction, and Nick felt something tear loose inside him. Doubts fled and passion rampaged more violently than ever. He wouldn’t make her ask again.

  He nodded and took her hand. “Let’s go home.”

  A sweet, sensual tension throbbed between them as Dana closed the library, turning off the lights in the back, making a sign for the door announcing that it would open again in the morning. It was nothing more than routine and yet there was nothing ordinary about it. The tasks took on a heightened significance. By the time she turned her key in the lock at last, Nick’s nerves were stretched taut with anticipation.

  “We’ll take your car,” he said, holding out his hand for the keys. She dropped them into his hand without comment.

  During the brief drive to her house, he glanced at her often, still looking for some sign of reluctance, any indication that she was already regretting her impulsive declaration. He found none.

  Dana met each glance with a faint smile that was almost shy in its pleasure. That look made Nick want to slay dragons for her. Perhaps, he thought once, perhaps that’s what I’m doing.

  When they reached the cottage, he turned off the ignition, then twisted around to read her expression again.

  “Any second thoughts?”

  “None,” she said without hesitation. “This feels right for me, Nick.”

  “It feels right for me, too.”

  When she started to open the car door, he stopped her. “There’s one more thing I want you to know now, before we go inside.”

  “What?”

  “I love you, Dana. I don’t ever want you thinking that we’re here for any other reason.” He touched her cheek and repeated quietly, “I love you.”

  A sigh shuddered through her. “Thank you for saying that. Thank you for everything.”

  The walk to the back door seemed endless. Nick’s sharpened senses were overwhelmed by the heavy scent of an array of colorful blossoms, the summer sounds of birdsong and bees hovering over the flower beds and the subtly provocative sway of Dana’s hips as she made her way through the ankle-high grass dotted with buttercups and dandelions.

  On the way, Nick plucked a pale pink rose from a bush at the side of the house. He stripped it of its thorns and tucked it into Dana’s dark hair, his fingers lingering to caress the sun-kissed warmth of her cheek.

  “You are so beautiful,” he murmured. “This setting suits you. There’s a surprisingly earthy sensuality about you.”

  She smiled at him and reached
up to touch the rose. “Why surprising?”

  “Because for so long you only allowed me to see the cool indifference, the sophistication.”

  “I had no choice, Nick. I was too frightened to allow anyone to get too close, especially you.”

  “Why especially me?”

  “Because I sensed from the beginning that this day would come. Even when I was fighting you the hardest, I trusted you and I wanted you. It terrified me, because the last time I felt that way about anyone—”

  “I know. You were betrayed.”

  “No,” she said sharply. “It was worse than a betrayal. It was a mockery of what love was supposed to be.”

  “That’s all behind you now.”

  She shook her head. “No. It’s still very much with me, but I can deal with it now. As long as I have you, I can face it.”

  “You have me,” he whispered, his lips claiming hers in gentle confirmation of the promise.

  From that moment on, things seemed to happen in slow motion, each sensation drawn out over time until it peaked at some impossible height of awareness. Dana moved through the house in a reversal of her routine at the library, opening windows, allowing the breeze to air the rooms. When she was finished she came back to the kitchen, where Nick was waiting, his heart in his throat.

  “I couldn’t find any champagne,” he said, holding up two glasses of apple juice. “We’ll have to toast with this.”

  Dana took a glass, her hand trembling. But when she met his eyes, her gaze was steady, sure.

  “To beginnings,” Nick whispered, touching his glass to hers.

  “And to the endings that make them possible.”

  They sipped solemnly, their gazes clashing. It was Dana who took the glasses and set them aside. She reached for the buttons on his shirt, never taking her eyes from his. “Do you mind?”

  “Be my guest.”

  His pulse raced as her fingers fumbled at their task. When his shirt was finally open, she touched the tips of her fingers to his heated flesh, at first tentatively and then with more confidence. Nick felt the wild pounding of his heart, the surge of his blood, and wondered just how much of the unbearable tension he could take. But it had to be this way. Dana had to be the aggressor. She had to see that with him she could be in control, not just of her own responses but of his. This first time had to have beauty and love and, perhaps most important of all, respect.