The last question was off the topic, but it seemed extremely relevant nonetheless. That was the question I had been dying to ask him ever since he took off over a year ago.
“I know I should have,” he sighed.
He sounded weary, like I was a nagging wife, harping on him. For a moment my confidence wavered.
I didn’t want to be a pest. I didn’t want to make him feel bad. But that is how I would have thought back when we were together, I realized. I let him treat me like dirt because I never wanted to be a drama queen. I didn’t want to annoy him. I never held him responsible.
It was suddenly all so clear. I allowed him to walk all over me and then I turned to my friends…I turned to Adam…to complain about it.
I was instantly and horrifyingly ashamed of my past behavior.
It ended now.
“So why didn’t you?” I asked, now thoroughly pissed off
“What?” He sounded alarmed at the sudden change in my tone.
“Why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you say goodbye? It’s been a year, Ryan. I haven’t heard from you in a whole year! And now you decide to just show up and pick up where we left off?”
“Easy, kitten,” he laughed, but he shifted away from me in discomfort.
Clearly Ryan wasn’t caring for the new me. He was still smiling at me but something was different. Not with him, he looked exactly the same. It was me. It was like the blinders had fallen away and I was looking at him in an entirely new light.
Had his knowing smile always been so smarmy? Had that sweet, tender look always been so lascivious?
This new perspective expanded to include our entire relationship. When had he ever thought of me? When had he ever done anything that wasn’t completely selfish and self absorbed? When had he ever put my needs first? When had he ever called unless it was convenient? When had he ever taken me out or listened to my problems or laughed at my jokes or hung out with me when I was bored?
Never.
The answer came quickly and with no doubts. He had never cared about me, not like a good friend should, let alone a boyfriend. I just couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to see the truth.
“I’m sorry, okay?” he said in his best conciliatory voice. He brushed some hair from my face and tipped my face up so he could kiss me. “Don’t you want to make up? We can start fresh. We can start all over again. We’ll get it right this time, I promise.”
I pushed his hand away and stood up, brushing the sand from my shorts. “No,” I said. “We won’t.”
Chapter Nineteen
I walked inside, leaving Ryan alone on the beach. There were still people in the house but it was slowly emptying. My head was too full for idle chatter and my emotions were still in an uproar. Too much had happened in one night for my tired head to make any sense of it.
Tomorrow, I said to myself. Tomorrow it’ll all make sense.
I headed towards the stairs like a sleepwalker. Bed had never sounded so good. Fears and suspicions that I had yet to acknowledge were threatening to come to the surface but I headed resolutely towards my bed. They could wait until the morning.
“Eve!” Mark stopped me in the hall. “Have you seen Adam? He was looking for you.”
I shook my head. “No. I’m going to bed. If you see him can you tell him I went to bed?”
“Yeah, sure.” He looked concerned. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” I smiled. “Just exhausted. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Sleep was a blessed escape from the torrent of thoughts and emotions that I was helpless to name.
I lay in bed for nearly an hour the next morning waiting for Victoria to get up as well. It was ridiculous of me to stall, but for the first time in all the years we’d been best friends, I was not looking forward to seeing Adam. I don’t think I’d ever felt uncomfortable around him before…until last night…and I couldn’t stand the idea of facing that kind of awkward tension in the cold light of day.
As I lay there staring at the ceiling, the events of the night before ran on a loop through my mind, starting with the kiss with Adam and ending with the kiss with Ryan. Only Victoria’s stirring in the bunk above me could put an end to the movie in my mind.
“You still in bed?” she mumbled sleepily. “I thought you’d be up by now. You’re always the first one up.”
“I slept in,” I lied. “But now that we’re up…you ready for breakfast?”
I was starving and couldn’t believe that I’d actually lay in bed for a full hour just to avoid an awkward scene with Adam. Victoria took her sweet time going downstairs but eventually we padded downstairs in our pajamas. Mark was sitting there alone with a bowl of cereal.
“Morning,” he said around a mouthful of Fruit Loops.
Victoria gave an unusually quiet response. In fact, I could have sworn she was blushing as she opened the cabinets to find a cereal bowl.
“Where’s Adam?” I asked.
Subtle is my middle name.
Mark shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him yet. Maybe he’s still asleep.”
We ate our breakfast in silence that was far from comfortable. All three of us appeared to be lost in our own thoughts. Even Victoria, who could usually be counted on to keep any conversation going, was frighteningly quiet.
Mark finally broke the silence. “Do you guys want to head out to the beach this morning?”
I waited for Victoria to leap on this offer with her usual enthusiasm and looked over in surprise when she remained quiet. She was peering into her empty cereal bowl as though she expected something to magically appear.
“V?” I asked. “Are you all right?”
“Sure,” she said, a bit too quickly. “I was just thinking that I really need a new swimsuit. The one I brought is practically falling apart. I think I’m going to go to the mall this morning.”
I glanced over at Mark and found him staring at Victoria, his expression as unreadable as ever.
“What about you, Eve?” he asked, but his eyes never left Victoria. “Are you going to come out to the beach with me?”
I glanced over my shoulder for the hundredth time that morning. I kept waiting for Adam to suddenly appear in the doorway. The more time that went by without him showing up, the more anxious I had become. By that point, my nerves were so high strung I was afraid I’d scream if he suddenly popped up.
I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t do this. It was silly, I know, but panic had taken over. I couldn’t face Adam, not until I figured out what I wanted to say.
Victoria gave me the perfect out. “Actually, Eve, I could really use your help shopping. You know, for a second opinion.”
Mark and I stared at her in confusion. I was so not the kind of girl you asked for a second opinion. Victoria was more apt to turn to Mark and Adam for fashion advice than me. But by the wild-eyed look she was giving me it was clear her crisis had nothing to do with fashion.
Besides, going off with Victoria meant I could procrastinate just a little longer.
All I knew was that I needed some time away from Adam and the beach house to get my head on straight. Once I figured out how I felt about the kiss and sorted through the crazy mix of feelings it brought up, then I could face him. But definitely not before then.
Victoria followed me out of the kitchen and we headed upstairs to change to go to the mall. I stopped halfway up the stairs when the door to Adam’s room at the top of the stairs opened. Here we go. There was no time to hide at the mall; it was now or never. I forced myself to look up. I was not going to avoid eye contact and make things even weirder than they had to be. This was Adam we were talking about, I reminded myself. He would probably make some sarcastic comment and we’d both laugh and the tension would be entirely forgotten.
And maybe that’s what would have happened if Adam had appeared in the doorway. But it was Ashley who opened in the doorway, blinking sleepily at us in some confusion.
“Morning,” she mumbled.
“H
ey!” Victoria said, as though it was the greatest thing in the world to find Ashley coming out of Adam’s bedroom first thing in the morning.
I couldn’t speak. I just glared at the yawning girl before moving past her. Anger and hurt washed over me like a wave. I had no right to be angry, I reminded myself. But I could have told myself that until I was blue in the face and it wouldn’t have made any difference.
“How does he do it?” I muttered under my breath when we got to our room.
“How does who do what?” Victoria asked.
“Adam,” I said. “How does he do it? How does he just hook up with these girls and then ditch them? Like they mean nothing to him. He has no idea how much he hurts them…how many broken hearts he leaves in his wake…” I pulled open my drawer with unnecessary strength.
“Um…are you all right?” Victoria asked. She was staring at me as though I’d grown another head overnight.
“I’m fine,” I muttered.
There was a stilted pause and then Victoria said, “You know he’s not like Ryan, right? He doesn’t lead girls on. And he doesn’t treat them badly.”
I looked at her in confusion. “I wasn’t saying he was like Ryan. But you’re wrong. He does lead them on. And, sure, he’s nice to them when he’s with them but once they’re out of sight…”
Victoria sighed. “I know seeing Ryan again must be doing a number on you but I don’t really think you’re being fair to Adam.”
She was about to say more but I had heard enough. “I don’t want to talk about Adam anymore,” I said. “Or Ryan.” I felt guilty when she nodded agreeably.
“Yeah, sure,” she said. “No problem.”
“I’m sorry I’m being such a grouch this morning,” I added.
She smiled and playfully tossed a pillow in my direction. “I’ll let it go this time,” she said.
We drove to the mall in silence. Once we got there, we didn’t even pretend to shop. We made a beeline to the food court, settled in with a couple of sodas and a soft pretzel and finally started to talk about what was on our minds.
“So what was up with you this morning?” I asked. “Did you and Mark get into a fight or something?”
Victoria sighed. “Or something.”
I ate my soft pretzel and waited patiently.
“You know how I have a crush on Mark, right?” Victoria said.
I nearly choked on my pretzel. “You what?”
Victoria was blushing profusely. “I thought you knew. Actually, I kind of thought everyone knew. I thought it was obvious.”
I shook my head. “Not to me!”
Although, to be honest, as soon as she said it, it suddenly made so much sense. Maybe I was the only person who was totally oblivious.
“Does Mark know?”
She shook her head quickly. “No, of course not. I mean, he didn’t know. But then last night….” Her voice trailed off and she dropped her head in her hands.
“Last night?” I prompted. She shook her head back and forth in misery.
“I was such an idiot,” she moaned.
You couldn’t have been more of an idiot than I was, I wanted to say. But this was about Victoria, not me and my idiocy.
“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” I said.
Victoria looked up with wide, pathetic eyes. “I wouldn’t be so sure.”
“Why don’t you tell me what happened and then I can tell you just how bad it really is,” I suggested.
Victoria sighed. “I had a wine cooler,” she started.
Uh oh. This could not be good. Victoria never drank. Ever. My face must have given away what I was thinking because she nodded in agreement.
“Yeah,” she said. “It was a stupid move. But Lindsay said that there was practically no alcohol in it and she assured me that I would be fine.”
“And you weren’t?”
“Well I didn’t get crazy drunk or anything but it definitely had an effect.”
“What kind of effect?”
Victoria grimaced at the memory. “You know how you guys always tease me about how much I talk when I’ve had too much coffee? Well it turns out that’s nothing to how chatty I get after one drink.”
“Oh no,” I groaned.
Victoria gave a half-hearted smile. “Oh yes.”
“But how did it come up?” I asked. “What did you say?”
“Mark and I got sick of the party so we went up to his room to chill out for a little while. You know there’s a TV up there so we were just hanging out watching a movie…well, he was trying to watch a movie but I kept talking.”
“About what?”
“About everything. You name it, I talked about it. And you know how Mark is, he’s the best listener in the world! I’m so comfortable talking to him about everything and he never seems to mind…”
“That’s because he doesn’t mind,” I added. “He loves you, remember?”
Victoria nodded miserably. “Yeah. As a friend.”
“So then what happened?” I asked.
“We started talking about relationships and friendships and stuff and I…I told him how I felt about him.” Victoria looked horrified anew. “I can’t believe I did it. It just came pouring out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop it!”
She clasped a hand over her mouth now as though she could somehow take back what she’d said the night before.
“And what did he say?”
She shook her head. “That’s the thing. He didn’t say anything.”
I winced at the thought. It was hard enough to tell someone how you felt. But to not get anything in return? I had a hard time picturing Mark being so callous. “He didn’t do anything?” I asked.
Victoria blushed and looked down at the straw she was playing with. “Well, he didn’t say anything. He just kissed me. I was in the middle of talking and all of the sudden he just leaned over and kissed me.”
I knew my mouth was hanging open in shock but there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t believe that Mark kissed Victoria, let alone that it happened on the same night that Adam and I had our little moment on the deck. Life was weird like that.
“Can you imagine?” Victoria was asking. She looked horrified.
“So what’s the problem?” I asked. “I mean, if you like him and he likes you…”
Victoria was looking at me like I was incredibly slow. “I didn’t say he liked me, I said he kissed me. That is not the same thing.”
You’re preaching to the choir, my friend.
Out loud, however, I said, “Vic, Mark wouldn’t have kissed you if he didn’t like you. You know him. He thinks too highly of you and your friendship to do something that would hurt you.”
Victoria nodded as though I had confirmed her worst fears. “I know,” she said. “And that’s why he stopped it. He kissed me—clearly just to get me to stop talking because I was making him uncomfortable—and then he pushed me away. He said that he couldn’t…that it wouldn’t be right.”
Now I was confused. “What did he mean by that?”
Victoria shook her head. Disappointment and humiliation were written all over her face. “I don’t know,” she said. “I didn’t stick around to find out. I ran out of there and went to bed.”
“Oh, honey,” I said, pulling her into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks.”
“So what are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know. I just want things to go back to normal, you know?”
“Me too,” I said with a little too much vehemence. Victoria gave me a puzzled look. “Why? Oh, is this about you and Adam? I knew you two were acting weird around each other!”
I gave her the Cliff’s Notes version of the crazy soap opera that had unfolded the night before. When I was done, Victoria whistled softly. “Wow. Was there a full moon last night or something?”
I tried to smile but rehashing everything that had happened the night before was not exactly making me a happy camper.
“So what are you
thinking?” Victoria asked.
“I’m thinking that Ryan is a loser. And I’m thinking I’m an idiot for not seeing that before last night.”
Victoria made a pained face. I could tell she wanted to disagree but she knew I was right. I had been totally blind to what was right in front of my face.
“And what about Adam?” she asked.
“What about Adam?” Okay, now I was just playing dumb. Because that was the question of the day, wasn’t it?
“What did that kiss with Adam mean?” she asked.
A memory of our incredibly hot kiss the night before flashed through my mind, nearly knocking the wind out of me. Close on its heels, however, was the image of Ashley coming out of Adam’s room this morning.
“Nothing,” I said, with more finality than I felt. “It meant absolutely nothing.”
“Okay,” Victoria said, although it was clear that she didn’t agree. But she was nice enough not to push the issue. “He wanted to talk about it afterwards though, right?”
I nodded.
“So why didn’t you?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. I guess I was afraid of what he was going to say.”
Victoria was watching me carefully. “Were you afraid that he was going to say it meant something….or that it didn’t?”
“I don’t know,” I said. I was getting irritated and suddenly couldn’t sit still any longer. I really didn’t like where this conversation was heading. “Either. Both. I don’t know.”
Victoria waited patiently until I calmed down a bit. I took a deep breath.
“I don’t know, V. I really don’t. I guess I was worried that he thought it meant more to me than it did. I was worried he was going to give me the whole ‘it’s not me, it’s you’ speech.”
“So you didn’t feel anything then? I mean…you don’t have feelings for him?” Victoria persisted.
“Of course I have feelings for Adam,” I said. “He’s my best friend. I love him. I’ll always love him. But that doesn’t mean I want things to change. Things are good between us, they’re perfect the way they are.”
“So then why were you so upset to find Ashley in his room this morning?” Victoria looked annoyingly smug.
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