Marrying Jonah

by Amy Lillard

  She nodded, not knowing what else to say. Maybe she should make her own English friend who could tell her how to handle the situation she was in now.

  Christmas was just a week away, and she had no idea where her life was heading. How could she celebrate the Lord’s birth with all this hanging over her head?

  “About Christmas.”

  He had started toward the kitchen, but her words stopped him. He turned back. “What about Christmas?”

  “I don’t want to spend Christmas with your parents.”

  He blinked a couple of times as if he was having to translate her words. “But that was the agreement.”

  “I changed my mind.” There was no way she was going now. She felt childish, like she was punishing him for meeting April. Well, maybe she was. But she couldn’t get back at him any other way.

  Why do you have to get back at him?

  She pushed the thought away. “You don’t want to spend the holiday with my family. So why don’t we do each other a big favor and spend it with the people we love?”

  “What about Second Christmas?”

  She shrugged. “Why should it be any different?” The words kept falling from her lips, but she barely recognized her own voice. When had she gotten so cynical and uncaring?

  For a moment she thought he might protest. “You know what? Fine,” he said, then he moved on into the kitchen.

  Sarah watched him go, then sat back against the sofa cushions. That didn’t go exactly like she had expected, though she got everything she asked for.

  What is wrong with him?

  But she really didn’t need to ask that question. He didn’t love her the way she did him. And pushing him away was only pushing him away.

  To make matters even worse, she had turned ugly and bitter.

  How could she even think he might fall in love with her? Not even God could perform a miracle like that.

  * * *

  Jonah stood at the kitchen sink looking out over the yard and the newly built barn. The gray and cloudy sky reflected his mood as surely as if it had been planned that way.

  Sarah didn’t want to spend Christmas with him. She didn’t want to spend an evening with him. She didn’t want to do anything with him. She didn’t want to be married to him.

  He didn’t know why the thought stung, but it did. He was satisfied enough being married to her. Life wasn’t all about love and roses and sunshine.

  The clouds outside were surely a testament to that. The entire sky was blanketed with them, thick, heavy clouds that never moved. How did the sky get clear? How could he find his way back to where he and Sarah were before she lost the baby?

  Or maybe the real question was would he ever be able to get back to that place? Only time would tell, and it seemed it was the only thing they had on their side.

  * * *

  “I thought Sarah was coming over.” Buddy frowned at Jonah, then glanced out the door as if maybe he had missed her.

  I did too, Buddy. “She, uh . . . well, I’ll tell her you missed her.”

  Buddy shut the door behind Jonah as he started to unload the presents. “Where is she?”

  Jonah straightened. “Is Hannah here yet?”

  Buddy shook his head. “Aaron and Mary are in the kitchen. Where’s Sarah?”

  Jonah warmed his hands by the fire. Buddy wouldn’t be the only one with questions. “She decided to spend the day with her mamm and dat.”

  Buddy seemed to think about it a moment, then he gave a small, understanding nod. “But she’ll come over tomorrow.”

  Jonah shook his head. “I think she’s going to see them for Second Christmas too.”

  “But—”

  “Buddy.” Jonah cut his brother off before he could get really going. “Sarah is going through a rough time right now.”

  His brother nodded sagely. “Because of the baby.”

  It was a simplistic explanation, but definitely one Buddy could understand. His mother had told Buddy that Sarah had lost the baby she carried. That much he could understand. Jonah couldn’t expect his brother to comprehend much more. How could he when Jonah himself didn’t understand it?

  “So we have to be patient with her? Do nice things for her?”

  “Jah.” But what had he done for his wife? He’d tried to understand, that was what. He’d tried to empathize, then he’d started to move on. What else could be done? Living in the past wasn’t good for any of them. But Sarah, it seemed, wasn’t ready to move forward. And the fact that he was seemed to bother her beyond measure.

  “I’m going to draw her a picture.” Buddy started from the room, then stopped. “You’ll take it to her, jah?”

  Jonah smiled at his brother. Buddy had such a big heart. He wanted to help Sarah, but he had limited capabilities. Still, that didn’t stop him. He did what he could, and it always came from the heart.

  “Danki.”

  Jonah watched as his brother hurried away, wondering where everything had gone so wrong.

  * * *

  Christmas. It was supposed to be the happiest time of the year. So why did she feel so sad? Sarah looked around at all of her family gathered at the dining table. Jonah had gone to his own parents’ house for the holiday while she had come home. It was what she had wanted, so why wasn’t it making her happy?

  “Help me clear the table,” Annie said.

  Both their brothers’ wives had children to attend to and babies to feed. Sarah tried not to be resentful, but the thoughts kept creeping in. Why can’t that be me? Why did Ellie and Linda get to keep their babies while mine was snatched from my grasp?

  “Sure.” Kitchen chores were better by far than mooning over what never could be.

  “I’ll wash and you can dry,” Annie offered.

  Sarah nodded and got out a dish towel.

  “You sure are quiet today,” Annie mused.

  Sarah shrugged.

  “See?” Annie nodded in her general direction. “You aren’t normally this quiet.”

  “Maybe I find I need to be because you like to talk so much.” She tried to put on a smile, but it felt forced upon her lips. So much for that.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  She shook her head. “There’s nothing to talk about.” Jonah didn’t love her. It was as simple as that. And even if he did, nothing would change between them. Their marriage had been for all the wrong reasons. Yet they were trapped in it. She had trapped him. At least that was what everyone was saying. When they weren’t talking about him and April Franklin.

  She had only come to town once that Sarah knew of. That was a couple of days ago. Sarah knew because Jonah came home with a new pair of leather gloves, much too nice for farm work. Only an Englisher wouldn’t know that gloves like that were a luxury and had no place on a farmer. And the only Englisher she knew who would give him such an extravagant present was April Franklin.

  Sarah did her best not to be jealous or resentful, but it seemed those were the only emotions she could have these days. If she let any others in, she was afraid that loneliness and heartbreak would follow thereafter.

  “I think there’s a lot to talk about.”

  Just then their mother came into the room. Though she had cooked most of the meal herself, she started gathering up the jars of jam, pickles, and chow chow that had been brought out for the meal and loading them back into the icebox.

  “I’ve been thinking,” Mamm said.

  That’s when Sarah realized she had been boxed in, with her sister on one side and her mother on the other.

  “What?” Sarah tossed down her dish towel, trying to get ready for whatever it was she was about to face.

  “You.”

  “And?”

  “I think it’s time for you to come home for a while.” Her mother said the words so calmly that Sarah wondered for a moment if she had heard her wrong.

  Come home? How could she come home? She was married. And that just wasn’t done. Her place was with her husband. Even Helen E
bersol had said that when Sarah was asked to give up her teaching job.

  Sarah opened her mouth to protest but no sound came out. It was perhaps the furthest thing from her mind when her sister said they should talk. A married woman didn’t just up and leave her husband.

  But all she could manage by way of protest was a small squeak.

  “Now hear me out,” Mamm said. “You’ve hit a tough time in your life and you need all the support you can get. I’m just not convinced that Jonah can fill that role for you right now.”

  It was more than the truth. Maybe if she and Jonah loved each other. Maybe if they had been married a year or so before getting pregnant. Maybe if they had dated or even spent a little courting time together, things might be different. But none of those things were their truth. They didn’t have those solid foundations to help them heal. And she was floundering. She knew. She could feel it every day, yet she was helpless to do anything about it.

  But this . . .

  “You can come home for a while. Give yourself a chance to get back right with yourself and God, then see where that takes you.”

  Her heart gave a small leap of joy. She could move home. She would be surrounded by her family, the people who loved her. That was what she needed to heal. That had to be it. Surely Jonah would understand. And if he didn’t? Well, she wasn’t going to worry about that. Right now she had to do what was best for her, and what was best was moving home.

  She smiled at her mother, and this time the action was as real as it could be. “I think that’s a great idea.”

  * * *

  She couldn’t just leave without talking to Jonah. Sarah felt cowardly enough for needing a break, and she would feel doubly so if she took off without even telling him where she was going and how long she was staying.

  So she packed her bag and waited for him to return. Annie hadn’t wanted her to come alone, but she had insisted. This was something between her and Jonah, and it didn’t need witnesses. So she had borrowed her parents’ tractor and chugged on over.

  Jonah came home around four thirty. “Hi, Sarah.” He seemed surprised to see her. She couldn’t blame him. She had left after him this morning, and when she was at home she spent the bulk of her time in her bedroom. She could only take so much of staring at him across the table and knowing that he would never love her.

  Then his gaze fell to the suitcase at her feet. “What’s that?”

  Sarah stood and smoothed her hands down the front of her dress and apron. “I’ve decided to go stay with my parents for a while.”

  He propped his hands on his hips, his expression unreadable. “What’s a while?”

  “I don’t know. A while.”

  “Until after the first of the year? Valentine’s Day? Easter?”

  “A few weeks maybe.”

  “Whatever you want, Sarah. But hasn’t that always been the way?”

  What was he talking about? It had never, ever been about the things she wanted. She had dealt with his scraps of attention, the whispers when no one thought she was listening, and she had spent her entire marriage knowing he would rather be married to Lorie.

  She folded her arms and steeled her stare. “This is best for everyone.”

  “You need some help getting out to the tractor?”

  She shook her head.

  He stared toward his bedroom without so much as a look back in her direction. “Enjoy your mamm’s.”

  * * *

  “And then she left,” he said into the receiver.

  “Just like that?” April asked.

  “Just like that.”

  After Sarah had chugged off down the road, Jonah had rattled around the house for a while, then he went out to the barn to call April. He hated to bother her with his problems on Christmas Day, but he needed a friend in the worst way. It seemed his marriage was not going to improve. Not without some help, and even then, he wasn’t sure Sarah cared if it got better. She had found her solution, running away. But Jonah had nowhere to run.

  “I know this is going to sound a little crazy, but do you think maybe she wants you to come after her?”

  “And what? Make her come home?”

  “Maybe she simply needs to know that you want her there.”

  Could that be the problem?

  “Did she say why she left?”

  “No.”

  “And you didn’t ask her?”

  “No.” The thought had never crossed his mind. She wanted to go to her mother’s, and he let her. “I’m tired of everything being an argument.”

  “I’m sure she feels the same way.”

  “She starts it.”

  Only silence met his words.

  “Okay, maybe I don’t do anything to help, but I’m at an end. I can’t do anything to make her happy, why should I even try?”

  “They haven’t by chance okayed divorce in your district, have they?”

  Jonah almost laughed. Almost. “No.”

  “Then you have two choices: figure out what your wife needs, or leave it all behind.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  “I’m so glad you’re here.” Annie’s voice floated to her in the dark.

  Once she had gotten back to her parents’ house, it almost seemed as if she had never left. She and Annie took turns taking a bath. Then they sat on the bed and brushed their hair talking about everything and nothing, just like they used to do.

  Now they lay in their beds just as they had so many times before. It was just like it used to be, and so different.

  “I’m glad I’m here.” And she was. But she couldn’t help wondering what Jonah was doing now. Was he getting a snack before he went to bed? He loved a little bite of something just before he went to sleep. He said he slept better if his stomach wasn’t empty. The day he had told her that, she laughed and said there was no way his stomach was empty considering how much he had eaten at supper. He had laughed and chased her around the house until she promised that she was only joking and he could eat as much as he wanted whenever he wanted.

  And for a moment she thought he might kiss her, then the moment passed. Would things be different if he had?

  Of course not. That was just fanciful thinking on her part.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Uh-huh.” Annie didn’t sound convinced.

  But what good was it telling her sister that she wished things between her and Jonah had been different?

  “Let’s make more Christmas cookies tomorrow,” Annie suggested.

  “Didn’t you get enough of those already?”

  “Never. I could eat Christmas cookies all year long.”

  “You do. They’re called sugar cookies.”

  The bedsprings squeaked as Annie turned over. “They taste better when they’re cut into shapes.” It was typical Annie logic.

  “Round is a shape,” Sarah pointed out, just to see what her sister said. It was a great distraction, and she’d much rather talk about sugar cookies than dwell on all the problems with her marriage.

  “Not a very gut one.” She shifted in the bed once more. “You know what would be fun?” She didn’t wait for Sarah to answer. “To get a cookie cutter shaped like an egg. Then at Easter time, we could decorate it instead of eggs!”

  “You don’t like decorating eggs?”

  “I didn’t say that. It’s just that cookies taste better.”

  Sarah laughed and she realized it was the first time in a long while. “That they do, sister. That they do.”

  * * *

  Sarah slid the next sheet of cookies into the oven and looked around for something to wipe her hands on. “Where’s the towel?”

  Annie shrugged and kept sprinkling the snowflake-shaped cookie with glittery sugar.

  This second round of “Christmas cookies” was more winter themed, with two sizes of snowflakes, white and pale blue icing, and glittery-looking white sugar for decoration.

  “Is that someone at the door?”
Sarah swore she heard a knock, but no one knocked around these parts. That could only mean one of two things: it was either someone they didn’t know or someone who didn’t think they’d be welcome.

  “Sounds like it.” Annie didn’t bother to look up from her cookie.

  “Can you get it?” Sarah looked around for something to wipe her hands on.

  “I’m busy.”

  Sarah sighed and wiped her hands on her apron as she walked to the front door.

  “Jonah!” To say that she was surprised to see her husband on the other side might be the understatement of the year. “What are you doing here?”

  “Can I talk to you for a bit?”

  “I just put some cookies on to bake.”

  Something flashed through his eyes so quickly she thought she had imagined it. Could that be remorse? “I can sit in the kitchen with you.”

  A part of her wanted to give that time to him, hear what he had to say. But there was another part of her that needed to give that time to Annie. After all, she had promised her sister last night. “Annie’s in there.” It was a compromise and maybe a coward’s way, but let him decide.

  “I can come back later this afternoon.”

  He must really want to talk. “Let me get these cookies out, then we can talk, okay?”

  He nodded, his relief clearly evident. “Jah.” He stepped into the house and shut the door behind himself.

  Sarah turned back for the kitchen as Jonah took off his hat and coat, hanging them by the door.

  “Annie?”

  “Hmmm . . .” Her sister didn’t bother to look up.

  “Jonah’s here.”

  “What?” Her head jerked to attention, swiveling from Sarah to Jonah and back again. “Hi, Jonah,” she said, her gaze finally resting on him. “What brings you out?”

  Sarah stared wide-eyed at her sister. “He wants to talk,” she said, her teeth clenched to warn her sister against saying anything else. But that was the thing about Annie. She wasn’t very good at picking up on those sorts of things.

  “Do you think that’s a gut idea?” she asked, but Sarah couldn’t tell who the question was directed toward.