by Amy Lillard
The words were meant to console her, but Sarah knew. It would never be okay again.
And that was something she would have to learn to live with.
* * *
“And it’s at Andrew’s house?” Jonah narrowed his eyes. His friend Eli had just invited him to a party at the Fitches’ house.
“Jah. Everyone’s going to be there.”
“Everyone?”
Eli Glick shook his head and turned his wheelchair to the side as if seeking help from some of the other men gathered around. Eli had been paralyzed from the waist down in the accident that had killed Alvin King and sent Titus Lambert to prison for five years. Jonah had been friends with them all, and the loss had been devastating for their circle of buddies as well as the entire community. But since Titus’s return, much healing had been accomplished. It wouldn’t be long before it was something that was mentioned in passing and not the horrific event that it truly was.
“Who’s everyone?”
Eli whirled back round. “Me and June,” he said, starting off with his surprise relationship with June Lambert, Titus’s sister. “Titus and Abbie, Clara Rose and Obie, Julie and Danny. And Caroline and Andrew, of course. Just the buddy bunch, you know.”
And the buddy bunch included Sarah.
“I don’t know,” he started.
“What’s not to know?” Eli asked. “It’s a New Year’s Eve party, and the buddy bunch is going to be there.”
Which included Sarah.
He had been avoiding her, not knowing what to say to get things back on a better footing. She had moved out. Why should he make all the effort for a reconciliation?
“Maybe you should go by and talk to her.” Eli’s quiet words broke through his thoughts.
“Why would I want to do that?”
“Let me see . . . because she’s your wife.”
Some wife. Some marriage. It had been doomed from the start, and nothing would get it back now. “Uh-huh” was all Jonah could manage. What good would it do to rehash all of the mistakes they had made? None at all.
“So will you come?” Eli asked. “Will you at least think about it?”
Jonah nodded. “I’ll think about it.” But his mind was made up. There would be no new year’s celebration for him.
Chapter Twenty-One
“It didn’t work,” Gertie said on the morning of January first.
“I know it didn’t work.” Hilde bit back her sigh. What an unlikely partnership she had formed with Jonah’s mother.
Hilde wouldn’t say that she and Gertie Miller had ever been close. Nor were they enemies or adversaries. It was just that Gertie was a little too much of a busybody for Hilde’s liking. But desperate times called for desperate measures, at least that was what the English said. Hilde still wasn’t completely sure what that meant, but she thought it had something to do with using every resource a person had when desperation set in.
And that was where she was. Smack-dab in the middle of Desperation Town.
Their plan had been simple, and Hilde had hoped and prayed that there would be success in simplicity. Gertie had contacted Jonah’s friends while Hilde had called all of Sarah’s. They would get them to invite Sarah and Jonah to the same party in hopes that close proximity would bring them to talk. And then, by talking, they would work through some of their problems.
Okay, so she knew that last part was definitely on the side of wishful thinking, but they surely couldn’t work out anything if they weren’t talking, and they couldn’t very well talk if they weren’t in the same room.
She had watched them after church, and they did everything in their power to avoid each other. That in itself gave Hilde hope. If they didn’t care and really wanted to remain apart, they wouldn’t have to work so hard to stay apart.
But despite their best efforts, neither Jonah nor Sarah had shown up for the party.
Hilde heard Gertie’s sigh on the other end of the phone line and felt like releasing one herself. The Christian in her knew the situation was in God’s hands, but the mother in her couldn’t sit around and do nothing while her daughter’s marriage fell apart.
Jonah and Sarah had made more than their share of mistakes, but that didn’t mean they didn’t deserve a happy marriage.
“So what do we do now?”
“I don’t know.” She could almost see Gertie shake her head.
“But there’s something. Jah? There has to be something that we can do.”
Gertie sighed once again. “Pray, Hilde Yoder. Praying seems to be the only answer we have right now.”
* * *
Valentine’s Day. It was the day of romance, couples, and love. And she was going to be all alone.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?” Annie asked. She was going to a “hen party” that included all of the unmarried or unspoken-for girls in her youth group. It was a fun idea for the unattached girls to have a sleepover and fun time while their couple-oriented counterparts were out celebrating in true romantic style.
“I’m not really a ‘hen,’ now am I?” She was an old married woman.
An old married woman whose husband was off doing heaven knew what. She had heard the stories. Jonah had been gone for days. No doubt he was off with the English girl April who he seemed to like so much. Sarah wondered if perhaps he loved April, but the thought hurt so much she had to store it away. Maybe later she could take it out and look at it, but not yet.
But she knew. One day, word would get around town that Jonah was gone, that he had moved in with Luke Lambright, and once that happened, Sarah’s fate would be sealed. She would end up living in a little house on someone else’s property and taking in mending like ol’ Katie Glick.
“You don’t have to make up your mind right now,” Annie said. She used the glue to make the shape of a heart on the red construction paper. “Can you hand me the glitter?”
Sarah passed her the small tube filled with shiny silver flakes. “What are you doing again?”
“We’re exchanging friendship Valentines with one another.”
“Cute.” A part of Sarah felt it was a tiny bit pathetic, but it was the part of her that wished she had a better relationship with her husband, or at the very least, friends like her sister had.
“Cute enough to make you change your mind about coming with me?”
“Danki, but I think I’ll sit this one out.”
Annie shook her head. “Suit yourself.”
* * *
“What are you doing, man?”
Jonah turned from the sink where he had been rinsing out a coffee mug. One thing he loved about staying with Luke Lambright was the fancy English coffeemaker that made one cup at a time. It seemed a bit wasteful, but Jonah enjoyed it all the same. “Cleaning a coffee cup.”
Luke limped into the kitchen, his cane in his left hand, and braced one hip against the counter as he calmly eyed Jonah. “What are you doing here?”
For a moment Jonah thought about playing dumb and repeating his claim to only be washing a coffee mug, but decided it was time to come clean. “I have some decisions to make.”
Luke nodded. “Go on.”
Jonah fully turned, coffee momentarily forgotten as he talked to his friend. “Sarah.”
“Listen, it’s not really any business of mine, but it seems like you could use a friend.”
Jonah nodded. “But—”
“But you think I’ve been too long with the English.” Luke smiled, the action taking the sting from his words. “Remember this: the biggest difference between English marriages and Amish marriages is divorce.”
“There is no divorce.”
“That’s what I’m saying.”
Jonah shook his head, confused. “It’s no good,” he finally said.
“What’s no good?”
“My marriage to Sarah. It’s no good. It should have never happened.”
“That might be,” Luke said. “But knowing this isn’t helping anything.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Your marriage is only as good as you make it.”
Jonah thought about it a second and decided that he didn’t want to think about it anymore.
“You can go around all you want and talk about how the two of you never should have gotten married and how the two of you have nothing in common now, but the truth of the matter is you are married. You can give up your broadfall pants and homemade shirts and start living the life of an Englisher, but she will always be your wife.”
Jonah didn’t want to think about that either. “It’s more complicated than that.”
“No. It’s not.” Luke shook his head. “Everyone in town knows about the two of you. They know about the baby. I know we try to keep these things a secret, but you and I both know how word gets around.”
“So?” Jonah hated the defensive tone in the one word. It spoke things he’d rather be left unsaid.
“Two people don’t make a baby when there’s nothing between them.”
“But—”
“Maybe I should have said two Amish people.”
Jonah shook his head. “There is nothing between me and Sarah.”
“There once was, there could be, there would be again. But you can’t have that standing here in my kitchen.”
“Are you asking me to leave?” Jah, he had been here for a couple of days. Okay, more than a couple, but the house had gotten too hard to live in. It seemed big and empty. Every room smelled like Sarah. Every piece of furniture, every picture on the walls brought her to mind. And with thoughts of her came the thoughts of how he had failed. There was only so much of that a man could take. So he had packed what he could into a duffel bag and caught a ride into Tulsa with Ezra Hein.
Right now he much preferred Ezra’s company over Luke’s. Ezra hadn’t tried to talk him into returning to Wells Landing. He hadn’t told Jonah how wrong he was, nor had he pointed out all of the faults in not doing everything he could to win his wife over.
You tried that, remember? And it hadn’t gone as planned. He had gone to Sarah’s house with the thought of courting her in the way they had never had the time for, but once they were together they started bickering once again. It was exhausting to always be at odds with another person, especially one that he was supposed to be close to.
And if he was tired of all the constant strife, she had to be as well. So he was doing this for the both of them.
“I’m thinking about staying here.”
“Here?” Luke’s eyes widened. They were the exact color of the pictures of the ocean Jonah had seen. If he went English, he could go visit the sea in person.
You could do that Amish and go to Pinecraft like Zeb Brenneman.
“In Tulsa,” he corrected. Luke had finally set the date with his girlfriend of two years, Sissy Hardin. Jonah wouldn’t do anything to mess up their plans.
“Why would you want to do that?”
He shrugged. It was his out. He could become English, divorce Sarah, and move on. If she wanted to get married again, all she had to do was follow him.
It’s not that easy and you know it.
He pushed that voice aside. Like it or not, Sarah was going to be hurt no matter what. At least this way she had a chance to start again.
“You’re not in love with April, are you?”
Was he?
Jonah shook his head. “No, but I’m tired, Luke.” It was the best explanation he had.
Luke clapped him on the shoulder. “Brother, we have all been there.”
But he didn’t have an answer as to how to get over it.
* * *
“I don’t know,” Jonah said into the phone.
“I think Mamm is worried about you.”
And she probably was. The truth of the matter was he was a little worried about himself. Once he thought he knew what he wanted in life. Things had been simple then, back when he and Lorie were a couple. Back before she had found out her father had led a secret life. Looking at those times now, he could see that things weren’t quiet and simple as he wanted to believe, but at the time . . .
“I’m not trying to worry anybody,” Jonah told his brother. This was the third call Aaron had made in as many days. Jonah was about ready to say yes, he would return to Wells Landing for a bit if only to get everyone off his back about it. Then again, he supposed that was playing right into their hands. And he wasn’t ready to return. Not yet. Not when he still had so many questions.
“Jonah?”
He inwardly groaned. “Hey, Buddy.” Ivan was perhaps the last person he wanted to talk to. He loved his brother with all his heart and wouldn’t do anything to disappoint him.
“Please come home. There’s a party and Mamm says I can go if you’ll go with me.”
The excitement in Buddy’s voice was almost solid. “That’s great, but can’t you go with Aaron?”
He could almost see his brother make a face even though they were miles apart. “Aaron wants to go out with Mary.”
Of course he did. After all, Aaron and Mary had only been married a couple of weeks longer than he and Sarah had been.
So why aren’t you spending Valentine’s Day with your wife?
“Maybe Jonathan can take you.”
“Mamm said it has to be you. Please, Jonah, pleasepleaseplease!”
“Jah,” Jonah said with a sigh. “Okay, then. I’ll come home and take you to the party.”
“Hip hip hooray!” Buddy cheered.
But only his brother’s enthusiasm brought a smile to his face. The last thing he wanted was to be in Wells Landing on the biggest day for couples, when his couple had fallen apart long ago.
* * *
“Sarah, did you hear what I just said?”
Sarah jerked back to attention and faced her cousin Libby. “Jah, of course,” she lied. But it was a small fib that she only told to keep from hurting her cousin’s feelings. Sarah’s mind had been wandering lately, mostly to places it shouldn’t go, to the what-if of her and Jonah.
He had been living with Luke Lambright, or so the gossip vine declared, and had been for some time. She was certain everyone was speculating on how much longer before he jumped the fence completely and turned English. And that would leave her in line to be the next oddball old maid in Wells Landing.
Not that she was truly an old maid, but the result would be the same. Jonah would be off living his life and she would be stuck in limbo, unable to do anything but live.
Move over, Katie Glick, here I come.
“If you were listening, then what did I say?”
Sarah blinked, unable to even make anything up.
“That’s what I thought.”
Sarah forced an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, Libby.”
Libby frowned. “I’m worried about you, cousin.”
Get in line. That seemed to be a common sentiment these days. “I’m okay.”
“Good, then you will come with us to the party.” Libby clapped her hands.
“Wait . . . what party?” Who was “us”? And when were they going?
“You really weren’t listening, huh?” Libby gave her an indulgent smile. “The party is on Valentine’s Day. It seems that the bishop is a little afraid for all the single people in the district going out together . . . alone—”
Sarah could no more stop her blush than she could prevent the sun from coming up the next day.
“So he convinced the church board to rent out the rec center so that everyone could come and have a great time together.”
“He what?” She had never heard of such a thing. Then again, the English influence on the district had grown stronger lately. And with Luke Lambright and Sadie and Lorie Kauffman all leaving the church, she supposed that Cephas was a bit worried about all the English influence.
“Is your hearing going too?” Libby laughed.
“I mean, why would he do such a thing?”
Libby shrugged. “I have no idea, but it sounds like a fun tim
e. And everyone’s going to be there.”
“Everyone?” Everyone but Jonah. She could only imagine that he would be out celebrating with April. Wasn’t that what the English liked to do? Make a big romantic deal out of February the fourteenth?
But Jonah wasn’t English. Not yet.
“Everyone.” Libby nodded. “Say you’ll come.”
Sarah wanted nothing more than to stay at home and pretend like Valentine’s Day wasn’t even on the calendar, but she had been hiding out for long enough. Her friends were starting to get impatient for her to go out with them to singings and the like. She didn’t feel right going to events for couples, and she certainly couldn’t attend events for singles. That was one thing Katie Glick had over her. At least she was well and truly single and could one day get married.
“Please, Sarah.” Libby tugged on her arm as if that could persuade her to come.
“All right,” she said. “If everyone is going to be there, I guess I should be too.” But she knew the one person she wanted to spend time with the most would be far, far away. She just wasn’t sure how that fact played a part in her decision-making process.
* * *
“Everything is in place.” Hilde whispered the words on the off chance that Sarah or Annie were around somewhere listening. If either one of them found out, the whole plan would be ruined.
“Perfect,” Gertie said, satisfaction evident in her voice.
“Are you sure this is going to work?” Hilde asked. “Didn’t we try this once before?” And she so desperately wanted this to work. If Jonah left and went to the English, then Sarah’s life would be completely ruined. As far as Hilde was concerned, her daughter had suffered enough.
“That was child’s play compared to this.”
Hilde wasn’t sure what made Jonah’s mother so confident that everything was going to work out, but Hilde had placed her faith in God. She refused to believe that it was in God’s will for her not to have any grandchildren, for Jonah to leave Sarah, and for her eldest daughter to be the ridicule of Wells Landing. “If you’re certain . . .”
“I am. The bishop has agreed to say that he was the one who rented the rec center, Buddy’s talked Jonah into coming back for the party, the only thing we’re waiting on is Sarah.”
