by Amy Lillard
“She’ll be there,” Hilde assured her. “Libby made sure of it. Now if everyone keeps their secret, the two of them should be well and truly back on their way to being a happy couple once again.”
It sounded like a good plan, but Hilde wasn’t sure when Sarah and Jonah had ever been a happy couple.
* * *
“I think you should wear a red dress,” Annie said, hopping off the bed and heading toward their shared closet.
Sarah had long since stopped protesting about this party and all things associated with it.
“Or a pink one. You know, like a rose color.”
She could take it no more. “There aren’t many red dresses in Wells Landing.” Most everyone wore darker, more conservative colors or sweet pastels. Not flashy red. Though Sarah had seen Ivy Weaver wear one from time to time. And everyone in town knew her rotten reputation.
“Ach, the bishop won’t mind for one night.”
Sarah shook her head. “I don’t have a red dress, and I’m not making one for this occasion,” she continued before Annie could voice a second protest.
Her sister turned, a garment clutched to her chest and her eyes sparkling. “I have one.”
Sarah’s eyes widened. “You have a red dress?”
Annie nodded, but what she held looked to be a beautiful rose color, perhaps the prettiest pink Sarah had ever seen. “I think you should wear this.”
She shook out the dress and apron and Sarah immediately recognized it as the dress Annie had worn to Easter last year. “I can’t wear that.” The two of them might be sisters, but they were about as different as two people could be. Annie was thin—willowy, she had heard people say—with beautiful, straight, flax-colored hair. Sarah’s hair was dark, curly, and unruly, and she had always seemed to carry a few extra pounds around her middle. Only their blue eyes connected them as sisters.
“Of course you can.” She thrust it toward Sarah. “Try it on.”
Sarah shook her head. “You are so much smaller than I am. It would never fit me.”
“It might. You’ve lost so much weight since . . . well, you’ve lost some weight. And wouldn’t it be fun to wear something new to the party?”
Sarah shot her a look.
“Okay, so it’s not new, but it’s different. And I hardly ever wear it. Come on. Give it a try.”
Sarah started to protest once again, but the excited look in Annie’s eyes stopped her. She wasn’t sure why it was so important to Annie for her to wear the dress—after all, her sister wasn’t even going to the same event—but she could tell it was.
“Please.” How could she tell her baby sister no?
With a small sigh she reached for the dress. That was when she understood. She didn’t want to wear it because she didn’t want to give herself hope about the day.
Like there was any hope to be had. Jonah had gone off with the English, the baby that had once been a dream was gone, and her life would never be the same.
Sarah pulled off her dress and pulled the rose-colored fabric over her head. It settled easily around her hips and fell softly to just below her knees.
“It’s perfect,” Annie gushed.
“It’s too short,” Sarah protested. But only halfheartedly. There was something about the beautiful rose color that warmed her from the inside out. Maybe that was a good sign to find joy in the little things once again. It had been a long time since she had that.
“We can let it out and then it’ll be perfect.”
Sarah moved from the center of the room to the door, closing it so she could peer into the mirror there.
She must have lost a lot of weight since she and Jonah had parted ways. It might have even started before that. Regardless, she had shed enough pounds that Annie’s dress fit her to a T.
“Say you’ll wear it, Sarah.”
She turned back to face her sister and her pleading blue eyes so like her own. “Why does it mean so much to you for me to wear this?”
In two steps, Annie wrapped her arms around Sarah and hugged her close. “You’ve been so unhappy lately. I just want you to have something gut in your life.”
Even if it was only a dress at a non-couples party remained unsaid, and for that Sarah was grateful. She didn’t need her sister to point out how sad her life had become.
Sarah returned her sister’s hug. “Danki, Annie. I’d love to wear your dress to the party.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
“This is going to be so much fun.” Buddy skipped ahead of Jonah toward the doors of the rec center, then caught himself. He cleared his throat, straightened his coat, and pulled his shoulders back.
Jonah wasn’t sure whether to laugh at his brother’s lightheartedness or cry that he felt he needed to change for this party.
“Do you think there’ll be girls here?”
He chuckled. “It wouldn’t be much of a party without girls.”
Buddy nodded. “I mean I would like to meet a girl. Maybe one like Sarah.”
Despite the cold, Jonah stopped in his tracks. He had never imagined that his simple brother could want more from life than what he had in that very moment. But it seemed that he was wrong.
“You, uh . . . want to meet a girl?”
Buddy nodded as Jonah started his feet back into motion. The weather had turned extremely cold, and the weatherman was calling for snow later in the wee hours of the morning. Jonah planned to be at home warm in his bed long before the first snowflake fell. “Jah.” Buddy started skipping once again, then caught himself and slowed his steps. “Do you think I can meet one? You know, a nice Amish girl?”
How did he explain to his brother that his disabilities might prove to be a hindrance in finding a date? The entire community had seemed to adopt him as their own, but such a relationship would put a damper on any budding romance.
“I mean, I know I’m not as smart as you and the other guys, but I can farm and take care of a wife.” He puffed out his chest as if to prove his point, and Jonah felt more like crying more than ever before.
How ironic that he had a wife he didn’t want and Buddy wanted a wife yet would probably never marry. Most Amish women had been raised to not care about such matters as looks and such, but could any of them see past Buddy’s mental limitations to the gifts he truly had to offer?
“Hey, slow down there, brother.”
Buddy slowed his steps, then seemed to realize what Jonah was saying. He nodded sagely. “You’re saying that I’m moving too quick.”
“That’s right,” he said as he opened the door to the rec center. “Let’s worry about finding you someone to play Rook with before you get married off, okay?”
Buddy smiled. “Okay, Jonah. Whatever you say.”
* * *
Sarah wrapped her coat even tighter around her and wished she had thought to wear her sweater underneath it. With the chill in the air tonight, she could use any extra layer she could get.
Her father had been talking about the coming snow. Even though the wind held the promise, the storm wasn’t supposed to hit until sometime before sunrise the following day.
Too bad. Any earlier and she might have been able to beg off going to this party and stay at home. But as it was, she had dropped Annie off at her gathering, then headed over to the rec center.
She hated walking into the place alone, but that was where she found herself. The good news was since she had driven, she could leave anytime she wanted. And Annie had promised to find a ride home with one of her friends. So Sarah had a new plan. Go in and show her face, then leave and hightail it back home. Jah, she wanted to prove a point, that she was back to living again. But that didn’t mean she had to go all out on the first day. Once she tested the waters she could do this living again at her own pace.
“Go in, make sure everyone knows I’m here, then leave.” She should be in and out in less than an hour.
She felt put on display as she walked in. It seemed that everyone had turned out for the party and all eyes swung
to her. Okay, so maybe it was something of a novelty to see her out. She and Jonah hadn’t been together since Christmas, and she hadn’t been to anything other than church since then. She was certain the looks were of surprise, but she decided to hold her head high and face whatever curiosity was about to come her way.
“Sarah!” Libby broke away from a group of friends and headed her way. Sarah knew everyone in the little bunch of people, but none of them were what she would call friends. Still, she was grateful for her cousin’s greeting. For all her vows about keeping her head up, it was almost more weight than she could bear.
“Hi.” Sarah squeezed her cousin’s hands, needing any strength she could get from them.
But in Libby’s eyes she saw remorse and . . . pity?
“What’s wrong?”
“Jonah’s here.”
“What?” Her voice was like the squeak of a mouse, high-pitched and feeble.
“I know. I’m sorry. I would have never suggested that you come here if I had known.”
“Who’s he here with?” She could barely form the words. Did she really want to know? What if he had brought April with him? What would she do then? How could she hold her head up in town? It was one thing to know that he had moved on and had gone English to be with her and quite another for him to bring her to an Amish party.
“Buddy.”
“What?”
“He brought Buddy.”
“His brother?” Her heart leapt with relief, but she wouldn’t give in to the emotion until she knew for certain.
“You know any other Buddys?”
“Gut point.”
So Jonah was here with his brother. She couldn’t let that get her hopes up. Just because he brought his brother to the party didn’t mean he wasn’t still hanging around with the English beauty. They could have plans another night. After all, Valentine’s Day had fallen on a Thursday night. Some couples weren’t celebrating until the weekend, which might explain the large turnout.
“It’s going to be okay, though,” Libby said, threading her arm through Sarah’s. “Just stay close to me. It’s not like you have to talk to him or anything.”
The party was set up like a carnival, with tables and booths complete with games, face painting, and a place to make Valentines. For who Sarah didn’t know, seeing as how this was supposed to be a non-couples party. The games included a dart throw, fishing, and a bean bag toss. She noticed several people, men and women alike, wearing cheap plastic bead necklaces and bright molded rings as well as red paper party hats. It seemed perhaps that these were the prizes for the many games.
She smoothed her palms down the front of her dress, er, Annie’s dress, and gathered her courage around her. She noticed a few people openly looking at her, no doubt wondering why she had picked tonight of all nights to finally make her way back into the Amish social calendar. Thankfully she wouldn’t have to actually answer that question. She had no idea what to say.
“Let’s go make a Valentine.” Libby led the way over to a table. Actually there were two tables pushed end to end with chairs all around. The tables were covered with construction paper, markers, and all sorts of embellishments.
“Who exactly are we making Valentines for?” Sarah asked as she allowed Libby to drag her over to the tables.
“For each other, of course.” Libby laughed and pulled out one of the chairs, settling in with ease.
Sarah decided right then and there that she was going to have a good time. It was time, after all. Apparently Jonah had moved on, maybe even with the English. It was time for her to do the same. She gave her cousin a bright smile and reached for the red paper.
* * *
“Did you see her? Did you?” Buddy’s cheeks were flushed with excitement. He wore a shiny red party hat that sort of resembled an Amish hat, though Jonah thought the English called them top hats. Whatever that meant. Around his neck hung several strands of beads, white, red, and pink. One even had a plastic heart every couple of inches or so.
“Have I seen who?” He decided playing dumb was his best course of action. Then again, maybe Buddy wasn’t talking about Sarah but someone else. He could hope.
“Sarah! Sarah’s here! Have you seen her?”
He had been trying his best not to look at her since she had arrived almost twenty minutes before. But even in the small amount of time he allowed himself to watch her, he took in so much. She was slimmer now. When had she become so thin, her face nearly gaunt?
Despite the weight loss, everything about her seemed the same, from her chocolate-brown hair to her soft blue eyes. She was wearing a pink dress, one he had never seen before, and he wondered if she had made it special for the occasion. He decided he liked the color on her. It made her skin glow and her eyes even bluer.
Not that he cared or anything.
“I saw her.”
“You should go talk to her.” Buddy pulled on Jonah’s elbow as if that would serve as good motivation to get him next to Sarah.
But he didn’t have anything to say to her.
Well, that wasn’t exactly true, but anything he had to say could wait.
“Why would I want to do that?” he asked.
“Because she’s your wife.”
And she was, but . . .
“It’s kind of complicated, Buddy.”
His brother frowned. “It doesn’t seem so complicated to me. The two of you are married and you should be talking.”
One would think. “Things aren’t so simple as that, Buddy.” Sometimes he wished more than anything that the world could be the way it was in Buddy’s mind.
“I don’t understand.”
Jonah patted his brother’s arm. “It’s okay, Buddy. Most times I don’t either.”
“Maybe you should do something about it.”
“Maybe.” But what? Go over and talk to her? Tell her that he missed having her around?
At least that was the truth. The house seemed twice the size it really was once he started knocking around in it by himself. It was too big for him to have all on his own. And he still hadn’t made up his mind about moving to Tulsa.
But more than he enjoyed the freedom of the English world, he needed the option. He needed to know that he had some place he could go. A place where no one cared about his sins and the troubles in his marriage. A place where marriage wasn’t the most important aspect of his life. He wasn’t sure why he needed it. He only knew that he did.
“You should go talk to her.” Buddy nudged him in the ribs.
“Maybe,” he said again. He watched her sitting there next to her cousin. Sarah looked as if she hadn’t a care in the world. But he knew better. He knew the pain she had suffered. He knew the depression she experienced. He alone knew how much the baby had meant to her.
He had thought for a time that she cared for him. But he shouldn’t have listened to all the idle talk. She had wanted the baby, not him. Had she ever really loved him at all?
As if sensing his stare, she turned, her gaze locking with his.
He was right about one thing. That dress made her eyes as blue as the sky just after a spring rain. He raised one hand and gave her a small wave.
She turned back to the project she was working on without even acknowledging that she had seen him. It shouldn’t have bothered him, but it did. She had seen him, of that much he was certain. So why didn’t she give a little wave in return? They had been through too much together for her to just ignore him now. Yet that seemed to be her goal.
And he knew. It was well and truly over between them, if it had ever really been there at all.
* * *
Her heart lurched in her chest. It was one thing to be told Jonah was at the party and quite another to lock gazes with him from across the room.
He looked good. Better than good. It seemed the English world agreed with him. And then he had given her that little wave as if he hadn’t a care in the world. What did he expect, for her to wave in return?
He had made hi
s feelings clear. She wasn’t a part of his life, if she had ever been.
She knew now. All she had wanted to do by moving out was give herself a little space to heal. She had needed time away from Jonah. Time that she didn’t have to spend working on their relationship but that she could use on herself. But that time had passed, and she had needed the reassurance that he wanted her to come back. Instead he had gone off to explore the English world.
All their good times together, even as small as they were, could not compare to the lure of the forbidden. He wanted other things more than he wanted her. She understood that now.
Understanding didn’t make it hurt any less, but at least she had a foundation on which to rebuild.
But her life would only take her so far.
“Watch out, Katie Glick. Here I come,” she muttered under her breath as she tried to concentrate on the Valentine she was making.
“What?” Libby asked.
Sarah pushed up from the table. “I need to use the restroom.”
“Wait a second and I’ll come with you.”
She shook her head. “That’s not necessary. You stay and finish your Valentine.”
She turned away even as her cousin asked, “What about your card?”
She flicked a dismissive hand and kept walking. “I’ll finish it later.” And she hustled out of the gymnasium and into the hallway.
As expected, there was a line at the restrooms. She crossed her arms and studied the items on the bulletin board and otherwise pretended that no one was staring at her as if she was a rare exhibit at the zoo. But she supposed her situation was as unique as one. How many women in Wells Landing had been through everything she had? Not even one. The closest was Caroline Fitch, but she was nowhere to be seen.
Sarah wasn’t even sure why she waited in the line. She really didn’t have to go. But she couldn’t sit at the table any longer and pretend everything was all right. How soon before she could leave without everyone thinking she had left because Jonah was there? Why did she even care?
After her unnecessary turn, she splashed cold water on her face and dried her hands. For once her hair was staying in place and didn’t require any smoothing. She dried her hands and walked out to find Jonah hovering by the door.
