“I’m not going to tell anyone what you say, Colbie.” I brushed a piece of fallen hair away from her face and behind her ear.
Her lips parted, but words didn’t come. I waited. If she were formulating a thought, interrupting her or leading her down the path I believed she wanted to go wouldn’t get her the relief she appeared to need. And I wouldn’t be any closer to knowing a damn thing about her than I currently was.
She licked her lips, moistening them with an appealing shine, and I had to will my dick to stand down. I closed my eyes in the effort.
Colbie stood, having misread the action as frustration or maybe disinterest. I grabbed her by the wrist and pleaded with her not to leave, without saying a word. She hesitated, and then resumed her spot next to me.
“My guess is that Jess has a date with Caden.”
If I’d had anything in my mouth, I would have spit it all over her. “Your little brother?” That was not at all what I expected to hear.
“Yes.”
Come on, Colbie…offer me more.
Nada.
Damn, this girl was nothing like any other member of her family. Any one of the Chapmans would have launched into a diatribe about how it had come about, how it would come across to their friends, whether their parents would condone it, or just their overall approval or disapproval. Not Colbie.
I didn’t have a clue which angle to go at this. From what Caleb had said, Colbie and Caden were really tight. In fact, he was the only member of the family she connected with. And from what I’d seen, Jess was her only friend, best friend. I couldn’t verify that because I didn’t follow her around, but I’d never so much as seen her eat lunch with anyone else.
“Ouch.” It wasn’t profound, but it verbalized what I imagined she felt without picking a side.
“I have homework to do. It’s not a big deal.” There was the indifference she typically carried. “I’m cool with it.”
She lied through her teeth. I didn’t doubt the homework, but there was no way in hell she was “fine” with her best friend dating her fifteen-year-old brother.
“He’s sixteen. Just turned.”
Shit. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. I also didn’t know how I’d missed a Chapman birthday. “Still. Why Caden? And I thought you two had a pact of sorts?”
If looks could kill, the one she’d just given me would be lethal. “Caleb needs to learn to keep his mouth shut.”
“For what it’s worth, I think it’s admirable.” I had no idea why she’d be embarrassed.
“Yeah, nothing like the dork swearing off boys who never would’ve been interested in her to begin with.” Sarcasm dripped from her words, and I wanted to shake her. She had to see what everyone else did—they were intimidated by her, not disgusted. Beauty, brains, body…Colbie Chapman was a wet dream walking the halls of Brogdon High.
“That’s a conversation for another day.” I couldn’t begin to tell her just what she did to the male species. I’d pitch a tent in my running shorts, and all hope would be lost. “Are they dating?”
“They’ve kissed. And he had her over for dinner last night.”
In my book that was dating, but I didn’t know what it meant for kids these days. “Hard to deal with?”
She fiddled with an imaginary something in her hands to keep from looking at me. “I didn’t handle it all that well when she told me. I should have been more supportive…” But she wasn’t. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that, in Colbie’s mind, she’d just lost them both. And for a perfectionist, failure was crippling.
“Knee-jerk reactions happen sometimes.”
Her head bobbed in agreement, but I could see that her thoughts were miles away from this bench. And when she met my stare, her delicate fingers tucked the same stray strand of hair behind her ear, crossing her face with her left hand the way she always did. If I could have given her my heart sitting on that bench, I would have handed it over. No questions asked.
“Pax!”
I jerked away from the trance Colbie had me in to find Caleb Chapman standing with a group of guys in the park’s football field. Colbie tensed next to me as Caleb took a couple steps in our direction.
“Critter? Is that you?”
“Hey, Caleb.” She sounded as uninterested in his presence as I was.
Thankfully, Caleb didn’t seem to notice—or care—that I sat alone with his sister on a park bench at nine in the morning. “Pax, you wanna play?”
I didn’t, but turning him down in favor of playing footsie with his sister might raise a few red flags I didn’t care to see fly. “Yeah, man. Gimme a minute.”
Satisfied with my response, Caleb rejoined the group with his back facing us. He’d never been one for gossip, much less spreading it.
“Give me your phone.”
Colbie stared at me through wide eyes, and I stuck out my hand. She looked to Caleb—who still wasn’t paying attention to us—and then pressed it into my palm. She allowed her fingertips to linger a moment too long, and I relished it as much as I wanted to believe she did. Her touch. Fuck. Her touch.
I quickly added my name and number into her contacts and sent myself a text. “In case you need to talk.” I handed the device back and stood. “Have a good day, Colbie.”
I walked away without glancing back. If she still sat on that bench, I’d have to tell her brother to kiss my ass. There was no way in hell I could stand to see hurt in her eyes. And since I couldn’t make that choice, I didn’t allow myself the opportunity.
By the time we’d divided into sides and I’d huddled up with my team, she was gone.
The bench was empty.
And so was my heart.
* * *
I’d only thought I’d escaped any questioning from Caleb about being with Colbie on Saturday. Thankfully, he hadn’t done it when anyone else was around or even that day. No, he waited until he caught me alone before school.
The instant I saw him materialize in my classroom door, the expression on his face told me he wasn’t here to socialize.
“What’s up, man?” I closed my grade book and leaned back in my chair.
Caleb closed the door behind him, and suddenly, my room felt like a vacuum, not only devoid of sound but oxygen. My heart hammered in my chest, waiting for him to speak. I had spent days thinking about how I would handle this and still hadn’t come up with a viable option.
“I didn’t want to say anything, but I talked to Chas and feel obligated to.”
Pretending I didn’t know what was coming was pointless, but I tried anyhow. I sat up straight and contorted my face into one of concern. It felt ridiculous, but I either acted like I didn’t have a clue what was going on or admitted that I’d crossed a line with a student. I opted for the first since the last could get me fired and beaten up. “What’s on your mind?”
He sat on the desk directly in front of my own with his arms locked at his sides and his fingers curled tightly around the edge. His knuckles turned white, and I wondered if he was trying to keep from hitting me. “What were you doing in the park with Critter?”
I waved him off and let out a huff. “We ran into each other jogging. Why? Is everything okay?” If he bought this shit, I should consider an alternate career in acting.
His head moved side to side as he considered what to say. It was painful to watch my best friend struggle to approach the topic. “I just think maybe you’re getting a little too close to your students.”
My brain quickly picked apart his word choice. He hadn’t specifically stated his sister, just students in general. “Finding that balance is tough. There are so many bright kids here. It’s hard not to get caught up in discussions with them.”
His jaw ticced ever so slightly. “I’d hate for anyone to get the wrong idea. This is a small town, Eli. People talk. I know your intentions are professional, but you probably should keep the conversing to classrooms and high school hallways. Anything else these kids want to talk about, they should ask
their friends or parents.” Caleb was so cavalier about the whole thing, as if none of these kids might need more than what they at home.
“And if they don’t have either of those available?”
I wondered if he’d get the insinuation. Caleb was far from dumb. Actually, he was quite intelligent, yet when it came to the inner workings of his family, he seemed to be oblivious. I didn’t live with them, and even I could see Colbie screaming for attention.
He chuckled and stood. “They all have someone. It just shouldn’t be you.”
I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have allowed him to walk out the door without further fanfare. I should have put my head down, taken the warning, and moved on. “Is that what you do with your players? Tell them to ask a friend or find someone else to talk to?” I knew it wasn’t, because he’d told me about kids he’d helped out of school and off the field.
“That’s different.”
“Because it’s football? Or because they’re boys?” I was treading on thin ice. I didn’t have a leg to stand on here. If he prodded into who all I had conversations with outside the school walls, the answer would be one, and only one. Colbie.
Caleb turned back to face me and crossed his arms over his chest. “You know as well as I do—whether it’s right or wrong—it’s different. That line isn’t worth blurring. If you have female students who need extra help, send them to Chasity or one of the other female teachers. Keep your hands and your reputation clean, Eli.” Caleb’s eyes darkened, and I didn’t miss the flare of his nostrils. “High school drama hasn’t changed since we were there. They all get over it. It’s called graduation.”
Chasity. That was laughable. She was a cheerleading coach and a kindergarten teacher. And she didn’t like Colbie. A fact that Caleb had himself admitted.
He stepped closer and hit me on the bicep with a smile. It was a punch intended to lighten the mood and cut through the tension. It fell short. “If you’re in need of people to talk to, why don’t you come over and spend time with Chasity and me? We can grill out. Have a couple beers. I forget that you’re new here.” He started back toward the door. “I’ll talk to Chas, and we’ll figure out a day to have you and some of our friends over so you can meet people our age.”
“Sounds good, Caleb. Just let me know. My calendar is pretty empty.”
Anger boiled in my chest, and I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks as I worked to keep myself under control. A student shouldn’t cause this sort of visceral reaction. Caleb was right, about all of it, which only pissed me off more. Add to it that it was his sister who needed the attention, and I was ready to blow my top when a student walked into first period.
“Whoa, Dr. Paxton. You look like you’re about to stroke out.” Jonathan Powers craned his neck back and stared at me. “You need me to get the nurse?”
I shook my head and took a deep breath. “I’m fine, Jonathan. Have a seat.”
He held up his hands in surrender and lingered with his buddies until the bell rang. I was only minutes into my first class, and I was already prepared to call it a day.
7
Colbie
All week I’d wished—and even prayed—I’d meet up with Dr. Paxton again on my daily runs. Yet every morning passed the way it had for years—alone. I’d wanted to believe that last Saturday had been intentional, but maybe he really did have a thing that night. I ran harder when I realized his “thing” might quite possibly have been a date.
Oh Lord, he hadn’t wanted to tell me. My mind went wild, thinking my teacher would worry that I’d become a crazy stalker, or maybe cry, or worse, talk about me in the teacher’s lounge to other faculty members. My breath was jagged from sprinting as I warred with worry, and my lungs burned for more oxygen when I questioned why he’d given me his phone number. None of it made sense, and for once, I regretted not listening more when my brothers talked. They could have provided valuable insight into the male mind.
The truth was, Eli Paxton occupied far too many moments in my thoughts. I had enough on my plate with school and piano. I didn’t need distractions, and that was exactly what this had become. My pace slowed as I forced myself to accept that I needed to refocus. The man who visited in my dreams couldn’t take up residence in my days.
The familiar white house I’d grown up in came into view, and I debated on whether to turn right to add another mile to my Saturday jog or go home. More distance wouldn’t get my homework done, nor would it help with the étude. It had helped clear my head and put me back into the headspace I needed. Discipline always proved fruitful…and one step closer to perfection.
The front door was locked, and the garage was closed. I went around to the back and retrieved the key. The house was empty. I didn’t know where UGA played this weekend, but Mama and Daddy had loaded up Caden and the twins to go to the game while I was gone. I assumed it was a home game since they hadn’t left last night. I would love to see Carson and Casey, but sacrificing an entire day of studying and piano wasn’t worth competing with UGA football to do it. Instead, I fired off the same text message to both brothers that I did for every game I missed. I told Carson that I was sorry I didn’t get to see him and to come home soon. And I wished Casey luck in the game and that I missed him.
Neither responded. They never did.
I tried to imagine what college life was like so I didn’t take it personally. They were both wildly popular and involved in all kinds of clubs and activities. Carson not only had grad school, but he was a teacher’s assistant and had a steady girlfriend that my parents swore he’d marry. I got it. They were busy.
A chill rose on my damp skin when I opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water. And when I lifted my arm to drink it, my stench reminded me I needed to shower. I tossed the now empty bottle into the trash compactor and jogged upstairs to my bathroom. There the inspection began after I toed off my shoes. Facing the mirror, I crossed my arms and tugged the wet sports bra from my chest and over my head. My shorts and panties joined it on the floor seconds later.
My fingers pinched at the skin on my stomach and then my sides. I angled my body in every direction to chronicle every imperfection, every extra inch and bulge. Then I turned and lifted onto my toes and stared over my shoulder at my butt and thighs. No matter how many miles I’d ran, there was a dimple on my right cheek that simply wouldn’t budge. The sight of it left my heart heavy, and despite the fact that food put that cellulite there, all I wanted to do was comfort myself with a donut. My gaze traveled up the knots of my spine along with the guilt I felt for wanting to eat my way into happiness. The bones of my hips protruded but still had a round edge to them that wasn’t quite lean enough, and I could only count four ribs on either side. I closed my eyes and sank back down onto flat feet, chastising myself for not pushing through another mile or two before I came home.
Disappointment was like a noose, but every day was another opportunity to get it right. I forced myself to face my reflection with open eyes and pick something I liked. It was a battle. I could find flaw in every aspect, but my teeth were straight, and people always told me what a beautiful smile I had. My lips tilted upward, even though I wouldn’t agree with them, and when the happiness didn’t reach my eyes, I couldn’t pick that feature. I unwound the tie from my hair and let my locks cascade past my shoulders. It was a bit duller than normal, but that was just because I needed to wash it. Overall, there wasn’t anything I would change about it. I fluffed it up in the mirror a bit, giving it a little attention, and decided I liked my hair…for the sixth time this week.
With that settled, I reached into the shower and turned the knob. It didn’t take long for the water to run hot, and when I stepped in, the heat soothed away the aches of my morning run and cleared my head of the fog. By the time I got out, dried my hair, and got dressed, homework was no longer a dreaded task. It was just next on my to-do list.
Several hours later, my stomach growled, and I smiled at my ability to keep myself from gorging on donuts
this morning. I hadn’t eaten all day, and I had a renewed sense of clarity that always came from denial. Light on my feet, I raced downstairs to the piano and pulled out the sheet music to “Winterwind.”
As the sun began to fade and the streetlights came on, I played through Chopin’s étude without mistake. Albeit, not at the pace I needed, but it was the first time I’d made it through the entire piece without a blunder. I glanced around, hoping someone had witnessed my accomplishment, but the house was as empty as it had been all day. My parents and my brothers were nowhere to be found, just like they wouldn’t be the day of the recital. And what felt like a win faded into a loss.
But my drive wasn’t dependent upon them. And I had to increase the tempo to be ready to perform. Just because I’d hit every note once didn’t mean I was in the clear. I took a deep breath and shifted on the bench. Then from the window, I noticed Dr. Paxton standing on the sidewalk with his earphones in his hand, watching me.
I wondered how long he’d been standing there. He didn’t appear winded, and based on his attire, he had been running. When he smiled and nodded, I knew.
Eli had heard.
I couldn’t avert my gaze. I didn’t care to. Every fiber of my being wanted to get up and run to the door and beg him to tell me, to confirm I hadn’t missed a single key. I would throw myself into his arms, and he’d hug me tightly and tell me how proud he was just before he took my mouth with his. Before the fantasy could become reality, he waved, and then he was gone.
The silence hung in the air and in my chest. I’d never realized the weight of such emptiness. It was vast and painful. It stung. My phone vibrated on the piano, interrupting the quiet. Expecting a text from Jess, I was surprised at what I found.
Eli: Beautiful.
Her Perfect Page 10
