Her Perfect

by Walls, Stephie

“I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Colbie. It’s not the way a teacher should view a student.” If Jess saw it, I wondered who else had. “Don’t worry, I noticed it on you long before I did him. I doubt anyone else has a clue.”

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat, and my palms got clammy with sweat. “We talk a lot through text messages, and we jog together most days.”

  “Is that it?” Her tone indicated disappointment, not condemnation.

  I craned my neck to see her eyes. “He’s hugged me a couple times.” Regardless of how honest I wanted to be, I couldn’t risk Eli taking the blame for me kissing him. I would take that secret to my grave. “Is he really going to coach track or cross country? He hasn’t mentioned it.”

  She cackled and held her stomach when she couldn’t catch her breath. “No. That was just me being a bitch. I didn’t know how to bring it up since we’ve barely spoken.”

  “You realize my parents are going to think I’m joining one of the two teams now, right?”

  Jess shooed me off and continued to chuckle as she talked. “Hardly. He won’t be coaching either so they won’t think anything of it.” Clearly, she didn’t know Phillip or Elise Chapman as well as I’d thought she did.

  My phone dinged on the nightstand. I glanced at my watch and knew exactly who it was.

  Jess nudged me again. “Is that Prince Charming?” She quit giggling when I pushed her and she lost her balance, falling onto the floor.

  “I have no idea.”

  She scrambled on her hands and knees and grabbed my phone before I could stop her. “Eli? Do you call him that?” Jess said his name a couple more times, each one changing the inflection of her tone to make it more seductive. “Wow. I can definitely see how Dr. Paxton just doesn’t hold the same appeal.” Her eyes widened, and she held out my cell. “Umm, he wants to know if you’re going to be in the park tonight.”

  Crap. Crap. Crap.

  “You meet him in the park? Aren’t you afraid of being seen together? Colbie, you guys aren’t thinking straight. You might not believe this is a big deal, but he could get fired. If he does, he’ll never get another job teaching. That’s like the blacklist of all blacklists. Men don’t recover from that.”

  I snatched the phone a little more aggressively than I should. “You act like I’m underage. I’m an adult.”

  Her face went blank followed by confusion. “And he’s your teacher.”

  My jaw hurt I’d clenched my teeth so tightly, and my nails dug into the palms of my hands. I counted to ten in my head and blew out a breath. “He’s also my brother’s best friend and a friend of my family.”

  She stood and crossed her arms, coming face to face with me and calling my bluff. “Okay. Do your parents know the two of you run together?”

  I cocked my head to the side and raised my eyebrows as high as I could. “Seriously, Jess. My parents don’t know I’m even gone most of the time. As long as I show up for dinner each night and they get proof of life, they don’t ask what happens in between.”

  She knew all of this. She’d known it for years. We had, in fact, joked about what all I could get away with if I were a different type of kid. Where her parents had always kept her on a tight leash, mine had let go of the reins the day I announced my pact with Jess. I’d never given them any reason not to trust me. And in my opinion, I still hadn’t.

  Jess sighed, knowing everything I said was accurate. “I’m just concerned…for both of you.”

  I covered my face with my hands, and the dam broke. “I don’t know what to do, Jess.”

  “Hey. Shh.” She wrapped me in a hug. “Why are you crying?”

  I couldn’t articulate my emotions or thoughts. My heart had tied itself around Eli Paxton, and I was fairly certain his had done the same. I knew the look Jess referred to and how my chest swelled each time I saw it. Eli and I talked more than Jess and I ever had. I’d confided things in him that no one else knew. He was more than just a companion, and I couldn’t deny how unsafe that was for him. If we got caught, I wouldn’t face repercussions; only he would. Yet there was no way on God’s green earth that I’d let him go willingly.

  “Colbie, talk to me.”

  Every part of me wanted to tell her that I’d fallen for him, to admit to someone what I’d denied to myself. In the split second I had to make the decision, my loyalty to Jess was outweighed by my love for Eli. I squashed my confession and bit my tongue. Instead, I gave her a different truth. “I don’t want him to get in trouble for being my friend.”

  My phone dinged again, but this time, I didn’t have to worry about anyone else seeing whatever Eli had sent in private. And when my tears finally stopped, Jess wiped my cheeks with the sleeve of her shirt. “You should talk to him, Colbie. The two of you need to get real about the liability of your relationship.” She held my shoulders and stared me in the eyes.

  I nodded.

  Jess brought me in for one final hug. “I need to get going, but the two of us need to make plans. Just us. Okay?”

  “Yeah.” I needed her to go so I could respond to Eli. “Let me know what works for you.”

  “Text me if you want to talk.” And with that, she closed the door behind her.

  * * *

  The moment I came into view, concern crossed Eli’s face. His eyes hardened as did his lips. “Have you been crying?”

  I couldn’t get away with anything today. Any other time, I concealed my feelings like I’d locked them in a vault. Not tonight. “I’m fine.”

  “That didn’t answer my question.” Eli stood in front of me, close enough for me to smell his woodsy scent. He used two fingers to tip my chin and force my eyes up. “Cole, talk to me.”

  All I wanted to do was melt into his arms and press my body to his chest. Nothing else in the world offered the same comfort, not even food. “Are we going to run?” After all, that was the ploy that brought me to our bench.

  “Would that make you feel better?”

  I didn’t bother denying that I was upset. And he already knew that I took to the pavement the way most women ate ice cream when they had emotional breakdowns. They had Ben & Jerry’s, and I had Adidas. Without glancing away, I nodded.

  He swiped his thumb over my cheekbone and searched my face for a second. “Okay. No headphones.”

  I hadn’t brought any. Eli liked to talk and jog, so I had quit carrying them. It was just something to get in the way, and I had nowhere to put them when I took them off. My phone was strapped to my bicep, but there was no room for them there.

  He let me set the pace, which was a bit more vigorous than normal. “Wanna tell me what we’re running from? You took off like the police were after you.” The chuckle I’d hoped to hear didn’t follow.

  “I talked to Jess tonight, after she told my parents that you were going to be coaching track or maybe it was cross country. I don’t remember which.” The sounds of our sneakers on the sidewalk took on a cadence of their own. I could have easily gotten lost in the rhythmic beat had Eli not interrupted my count.

  “Why would she tell them that? I’m not going to coach either team.” Even his labored breathing was attractive, and I could only image how my name would sound passing his lips in a different kind of activity.

  By telling Eli the truth, I risked losing him. Holding on to it, I risked his safety. And as much as I cared about him, I couldn’t do the second and had to face the possibility of the first. “She saw us running together last weekend.”

  He stopped, and by the time I’d realized he wasn’t next to me, I was several strides in front of him. When I turned back, Eli was hunched over with his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. I didn’t catch sight of his brown eyes or supple lips because he stared at the ground. “Did she tell your parents?”

  I approached him hesitantly. My fingers curled around his wrist, and I pulled him upright. Whatever crossed his eyes, I had to see it. I touched his jaw and let my hand slide down his sweaty throat and stop on his chest. His heart b
eat wildly beneath my palm, and my lips erupted into a smile. The situation was nothing to be happy about, although the way he looked at me, even under duress, filled me with hope and happiness.

  “No. It was her way of telling me she knew.”

  His hand closed over mine on his pec. “Knew what?”

  It seemed insignificant now that I tried to find words to express it. Maybe I’d misread everything between us. I didn’t have any experience with boys, much less men. I stepped back, taking my hand with me, and my lips fell. My heart trembled inside my chest, and my worst fear stared me down—rejection. “That we run together.”

  “Jesus, Colbie. Why are you backing away from me like I might hurt you?” He closed the gap I’d created. “Hey.” He tucked the hair that had fallen from my ponytail behind my ear and used that as his opportunity to let his hand grab hold of my nape. “I’d never lay a finger on you in anger.”

  “I’m not going to break, Eli. You don’t have to talk to me like I’m made of glass.” When all else failed, aggression was my default.

  He snickered under his breath and shook his head. “You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. I promise, there’s not a single part of me that believes you’re going to break.” He still hadn’t let go of my neck, but he dropped his hold when another couple approached us.

  We stepped aside to allow them to pass, and neither of them glanced our way, too caught up in their own conversation to pay any attention.

  I took a deep breath. I wanted to hold on to as many moments with Eli as I could, but the longer I kept from telling him what happened, the harder it would be. “She said she’s seen the way we look at each other. And she asked about our relationship.”

  Eli crossed his arms, and the sleeves stretched taut against his biceps. The definition in his forearms and the vein that ran across the top made me want to drool. I’d never heard of anyone being turned on by forearms, but Eli’s did it for me—well, his arms in general. Although, now wasn’t the time to analyze that. I couldn’t read him, but his body language didn’t appear happy.

  And then the corner of his lip tilted up as did one eyebrow. “Oh yeah. How does she think we look at each other?”

  My cheeks heated, and I had no doubt they were tinged red. I could only hope the physical exertion masked the embarrassment. “I don’t know.” I sucked at this. For someone with a vast vocabulary who was supposedly verbally gifted, I sounded like a moron.

  His smirk eased into a full-blown grin, and he waited.

  “Ugh. Fine. She thinks we look at each other like we’re in love.” I rolled my eyes and turned my head. I refused to see him laugh at me, or worse, think I was immature. There was a difference between maturity and experience. I had one and lacked the other.

  Eli dropped his militant stance and grabbed my hips. I still refused to look anywhere other than the tree line on the far side of the road. Even when he rocked his hands and my lower half twisted with them, I still wouldn’t make eye contact.

  “What did you tell her?” His tone was playful, and if I chanced a glance, I imagined his irises glittered with amusement.

  “This isn’t funny, Eli.” Pouting had never been my thing, but I was left with little choice when I insisted on avoiding him.

  He leaned over, inserting his head between mine and the trees I was so fascinated with. “You’re right. It’s not. But before we address what Jess does or doesn’t know, she’s right—at least from my perspective.” That got my attention. Eli couldn’t possibly be saying what I thought that meant. “Why do you look so shocked, Cole? Surely you see it, too.”

  My lips parted. Words didn’t come out. Like a fish gasping for air. Open. Close. Repeat.

  “This probably isn’t a conversation to have standing on the sidewalk, but since I can’t take you home to have it privately, how about we sit on the curb?”

  Eli took my hand, and I followed him around the corner and off the busier street. He chose a spot shrouded in shadows where we were less likely to be seen and took a seat. Thankfully, he took the lead, because I wouldn’t have been able to speak. “I don’t know how or why it happened, but my feelings for you have gotten out of hand. Knowing that doesn’t change them though.” The animation had left his tone, and things had taken a turn toward serious in the blink of an eye.

  If emotional whiplash were a thing, I had just experienced it in a handful of sentences.

  I pulled away, wrapped my arms around my waist, and leaned into my knees. I made myself as small as I could to keep as much of me protected as possible.

  “I’ve told myself for weeks that I needed to pull back, and I’ve justified spending time with you because you’re Caleb’s sister. My career is on the line, and you’re leaving at the end of the year.” He ran his fingers through his dark hair. “But no matter what consequence I consider, my heart tells me you’re worth the risk.”

  When I turned my head, Eli stared at me with truth written all over his beautiful face and sadness haunting his warm brown eyes.

  “I don’t know how to get through this year, Colbie. It’s almost the end of October, but that still leaves seven months of risk. And what does that look like after graduation?”

  “What do you mean?” I could barely get the words out for fear of what his answer would mean for us.

  He huffed out a laugh I wouldn’t have heard had I not been sitting next to him. “I mean you’re young and beautiful. The whole world awaits you in June.”

  “And you think that world doesn’t include you?” If he couldn’t hear the confusion in my tone, he should certainly be able to see it in my body language.

  “Honestly, I’m not sure I want you to tell me. Because if the answer is no, I’m going to spend an awful lot of time licking my wounds.”

  “But what if it’s yes?”

  He took my hand and pressed a kiss to the top. “I think I need to let you figure that out, without me as a distraction.”

  I shook my head back and forth. “What? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. How am I supposed to figure that out without you?”

  If he didn’t want to risk his career, I understood that. If he was afraid of Caleb’s response, I wouldn’t like it, but I would understand. But to say that I needed to figure out his place in my life while he was absent was just ludicrous.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Colbie. I’ll wait seven months.”

  I snatched my hand away from him. “What does that mean?”

  “It means that I care enough about you not to steal your senior year, and that I love you enough to wait on you so neither of us has to face our reputations being ruined.” Eli delivered the words in a way that conveyed his heartache over having to say them, while leaving no real room for argument.

  “That’s it? I don’t get a say?”

  “Cole, don’t be like that. You have no idea how hard this is. I hadn’t planned to have this conversation. In fact, I have avoided it as long as possible. But if Jess is onto us, it’s only a matter of time before another student is and the whispers begin in the halls. Then we’re both called into the principal’s office. Soon your parents join us, along with Caleb.” He turned into me and tried to calm me with a touch on my arm. He relented when I jerked away. “Please don’t shut me out.”

  I stood, barely able to contain my urge to cry. “The way I see it, you’re the one who closed the door.” And with that, I walked away.

  “Colbie, wait.”

  But I didn’t turn around. “Goodnight, Dr. Paxton.”

  10

  Eli

  Colbie walked away without so much as a glance over her shoulder. I hadn’t intended for the conversation to turn that way, nor had I meant to alienate her. Somehow, I’d done both in the span of a few minutes, and Colbie wasn’t the type of girl who’d let me take that shit back. I’d pushed her to open up, and then I used it against her. Whether it was intentional or not, Colbie was hurt, and I had no way to fix it.

  I followed her home to make sur
e she got there safely, yet she never realized I was behind her. Or if she did, she never looked back. Her shoulders shook with sobs that gutted me. I fought my instinct to run to her, wrap her in my arms, pick her up, and carry her home with me. My throat clenched, and I struggled to swallow around the lump that formed there.

  She stopped in front of a hedge on the side of her yard, and there I watched as she wiped at her cheeks, pulled her shoulders back, and straightened her spine. Colbie, undoubtedly, had just cleared all emotion from her face so no one would ask questions when she stepped inside. Her ribs expanded with the deep breaths she pulled in and constricted as she exhaled. Merely a few feet away, and I had to let her keep going…without me.

  Once she was safely inside, I turned and ran in the opposite direction for as long as I could. There weren’t enough roads in Georgia to alleviate the ache in my chest, and it wasn’t from exercise. My calves and thighs burned with each step I took, but nothing overrode my loss. And when I’d gone so far I couldn’t go another foot, I looked around and realized I was miles from home, and it was nearly midnight.

  If choking myself would have put me out of my misery, I would have done it standing there in the road. Unfortunately, even if I managed to make myself pass out, I’d just end up getting hit by a car or waking up. Neither of which would eliminate my problem. There was no way I could walk back, which left me two options. Caleb or Uber.

  When I opened the app, there wasn’t a car anywhere near my location, and it estimated it would be over an hour to get one here. I’d be asleep in a ditch by that time. I wondered who I’d pissed off to be stuck in this position. Nothing like calling your best friend to come pick you up because you had to “break up” with his little sister who no one knows you’re “seeing” anyhow. The entire situation was fucked up, and I had made it that way. I knew better than to get involved with any student, much less her. Even knowing that, I didn’t regret a second other than telling her I’d wait for her, because I already missed her. I couldn’t bear the idea of not getting texts from her, not meeting her to jog in the morning, not stealing glances when I could. Most of all, I hated to think I didn’t get to hug her or hear her whisper my name after she’d kissed my jaw.