My eyes burned by the time I locked the door and flipped on the fan, and a knot had formed in my chest. If this ache weren’t familiar, I’d swear it was a heart attack, or at the very least, the worst case of indigestion I’d ever experienced. My stomach stretched and bent to my will, accommodating, albeit briefly, the amount of food I’d needed to ease the emotional pain. The three days I’d fought so hard for were about to go down the drain, literally.
I wanted to stop it. I didn’t want to do it. But I had to let it out—the torment, the pressure, the stress, and most importantly, my own disappointment.
Tears filled my eyes before my fingers ever touched the back of my throat. By doing this, I failed. My emotions had ruled, and I’d bowed to their reign. No one would ever understand the power the mind had over reason. It was a war I’d lost before I ever stepped onto the battlefield. Eli deserved better, but I couldn’t give him the best of myself if I felt the way I currently did. That would only come when I’d expelled all the bad that I’d consumed.
I had to be in control.
The guilt would pass.
Without another moment of hesitation, I stuck my fingers in my mouth. And I kept doing it until the first burst came. My esophagus expanded and stung as I wretched. The water hadn’t helped as much as I’d hoped, and the clumps kept getting stuck in my throat. I’d gag and choke with my air passage clogged with dough, and forcefully have to swallow just to breathe, only to repeat the same process until I was empty.
Except this time, it wasn’t just my stomach that was void. I’d never felt more reckless than I did in that moment. The tranquility that normally followed a binge and purge never came. The racing thump of my heart took residence in my ears, and I gasped for air when I slid down the wall and onto the floor. Every rib, up and down both sides, were as bruised as my pride.
There was no relief.
No calm.
Nothing but shame.
“Colbie, you okay in there?”
I wiped my tear-stained face, realizing my hand was covered in thick saliva and bile. “Yeah, my stomach was just a bit upset. I’ll be out in a minute.”
Her voice was muffled through the wood of the door. “Are you crying?”
I swallowed hard and prayed I was able to mask the edge in my voice. “Not at all. Why?” I stood, holding my hand out as I pushed off the floor. And my face crumpled at the reflection staring back at me from the mirror.
Her frantic knock echoed in my head. “Open the door, Colbie. I’m not kidding.” The knob rattled and the wood shook. “Colbie!”
I couldn’t let her see this. Not the mess in the bathroom. If she found me crying, I could lie my way out. There would be no getting out of the vomit all over my hand and her toilet.
“Let me in!” Jess had gone from knocking and speaking, to banging her hand flat on the surface and screaming.
Ignoring her cries, I flushed the toilet and then turned on the faucet to wash my hands. When the sound of rushing water no longer filled the room, I realized Jess’s voice didn’t, either. But I couldn’t open the door until I had composed myself. Maybe she’d recognized that I just needed a minute. I took the reprieve she offered and curled up in the corner. Once I caught my breath and cleared my head, I’d go out and tell her I had a panic attack. Or that I got a bit overwhelmed. She’d be shocked, but she wouldn’t believe I was lying.
But each time I started to inhale, tears rushed and flowed over my lashes. I couldn’t stop them no matter how hard I fought. My lungs refused to fill, and fire ate at my insides. The demon was winning because I hadn’t been strong enough to keep him in the cage.
The knob rattled again, and I peered up through puffy eyes and pools of tears just as the door swung open.
Eli didn’t say a word when he moved toward me or when he bent down to slide an arm under my legs and one behind my back. And he remained silent when he lifted me and curled me into his chest where I buried my head and hid.
“I’ll figure out what to do about her car.” Step after step, Eli held me. “Thanks for calling, Jess.”
Jess had reached out to Eli. Which meant Eli knew I’d spilled our secret. I’d freaked out my best friend and betrayed my boyfriend.
My entire body jolted in sobs. “I’m sorry, Eli.” It was incoherent at best.
“Shh, there’s nothing to be sorry for.” He helped me into his truck, fastened the seatbelt around me, and closed the door.
When he got in the other side, I unbuckled my seatbelt and slid across the bench into his side. He welcomed me with a protective arm, and held me tightly without so much as a word the few blocks to his house.
Eli gingerly untucked me from his body when he put the truck in park and turned off the ignition. The door swung wide, and he stepped down. “Cole?” His voice was gravelly and thick as though my name had caught in his throat.
I peered up to his trembling lip and then took his outstretched hand. My fingers weaved through his, and I squeezed until he did the same. Walking took energy I didn’t have; nevertheless, I followed him through his back door, down the hall, and into his bedroom. Eli didn’t turn on a light, and the moon only provided enough light to see his silhouette when he removed his shirt.
My eyes adjusted to the darkness about the time he kicked off his shoes and then dropped his pants. I had no idea what he was doing, but I was surprised sex was on his mind when he’d just picked me up off a bathroom floor. I’d never seen him move the way he did right now, it was more than just slow—he was heavy. Every motion laborious.
I reached out with trembling hands. The tips of my fingers were cold against his heated skin. His sudden movement startled me, and I yelped when he grabbed my wrist. The sound hadn’t even left my mouth completely before Eli had yanked me to him and cradled the back of my head in his palm. My cheek was flush with his pec, and I wound my arms around his waist.
“You scared the fuck out of me, Colbie. I had no idea what the hell was going on when Jess called from your phone.” He struggled to speak, overcome with emotion. “She didn’t know what was going on or what you were doing. She couldn’t get to you…” When he swallowed, his arms constricted, and the muscles in his chest moved. “I would have torn that door down if I’d had to.”
The darkness clung to the silence, and the moon gave us privacy. His hands slid down my back and beneath the hem of my shirt. Like a child, I raised my arms. The fabric swooshed to the ground and puddled at our feet. Eli leaned back just a hair to unbutton my jeans so I could shimmy out of them. He made no attempt to remove my panties, and he’d left on his boxers.
Before I realized what he had done, Eli had me in his arms, moving to the bed. Cradled in his embrace, I worried what would come next. He laid me down and pulled a blanket over me before crawling under it himself. I lifted my head to allow him to slide his arm under my neck and went willingly when he splayed a hand across my stomach and got as close to me as he could.
“What happened tonight?” He’d gotten me undressed, surrounded me with his fortress, and ensured I felt protected so I’d open up.
Skin to skin.
Halfheartedly, I raised one shoulder and let it drop. It was futile. Eli wouldn’t let this go.
“Colbie.”
The tears started again and before I lost control, I gave up something he wanted. “A dragon got loose.”
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
I didn’t, not even a little. I also didn’t want him to leave me. “I got overwhelmed.”
He released a breath I hadn’t realized he held, and it was mighty. Eli allowed his hand to roam over my hip and down the outside of my thigh. His touch soothed the ache that burned inside. Maybe he’d expected more, or possibly, he didn’t realize what “overwhelmed” encompassed.
“Jess asked me to come over.”
“Baby, she’s your best friend. That should be a good thing, especially with all that’s happened with Caden.”
Blood tinged my taste buds when I bit my lip and
fought against yelling. This wasn’t Eli’s fault, and I couldn’t attack him. “She wanted to talk.” I let that sink in for a moment. “She kept badgering me about why I was glowing and demanding that I tell her what was going on.” God, I didn’t want to tell him the rest. “And I slipped. I yelled at her that I was sleeping with you.” And then it became word vomit. “I thought it would stop once I told her the truth, but it didn’t. She wanted details. Details I didn’t feel right sharing, and not because I’m ashamed but because they’re ours. I didn’t want to tell anyone about how you took my virginity or the size of your dick.” My chest heaved as I let it fly. “I don’t know how to do that type of girl talk. And I don’t want to learn. By the time I escaped to the bathroom, I had nearly hyperventilated, and I’d exposed us to someone I wasn’t sure I could trust. It spiraled.” This purge felt better than any I’d experienced recently, and quite possibly ever.
He took note of every word I said. Each sentiment he accounted for. Eli felt my pain, my embarrassment, my anxiety. And I knew he did, because he loved me and never quibbled over showing me just how much.
I was out of breath and waiting for a reply when he pushed me to my back and rolled on top of me. It didn’t take him long to settle between my legs, flesh to flesh, eye to eye. He tucked away my hair and kissed my nose. “I’m not upset with you.” He kept his weight on his forearm, although I’d give anything for him to halt the discussion in favor of a kiss. “I’m honored that you want to keep the details of our love life away from prying eyes. I’m a little jealous you were able to confide in someone. I want to shout from the highest mountain how much I adore you, tell the world of your unexpected arrival in my life. But baby, any time you reach a point that you’re uncomfortable—in any situation—call me.”
“Eli, I can’t just call you anytime I freak out.”
The pad of his thumb brushed over my lips like he tried to wipe away what I’d just said. “You can. I expect you to.” He searched my face, even in the darkness. “I will always come for you.”
I averted my eyes, staring at something I could see in the dark. “Do you think I’m a basket case?” No part of me cared to hear him say yes, but I needed to know.
He nudged my chin and found my gaze. “Not at all. And I won’t the next time you call me or the time after that or a hundred breakdowns from now. My job is to protect you. I can’t do that if I don’t know you need help.”
“You’re going to get tired of the damsel in distress routine.”
He rolled over and pulled me with him. “It’s anything but routine. And I’ll take every opportunity afforded me to show you how much I love you. Plain and simple. I’m sorry that you’re in a position where you get so worked up you get physically ill. If we can get through the next six months, that won’t be an issue again.”
I pushed myself up and straddled his lap. “Physically ill?”
“Jess said she heard you throwing up and crying.” His hands drifted from my butt around my hips and down my thighs.
I’d given him a sliver, and thankfully, he hadn’t asked for the whole pie. Eli accepted that my anxiety worked me up to the point of panic, and he let it go at that. I took his hand and leaned back to pull him to a seated position. Once he sat back against the headboard, I leaned in, needing to taste his mouth. Just before our lips collided, I realized I hadn’t brushed my teeth and stopped myself.
“What’s wrong?”
I covered my mouth so as not to expose him to what had to be horrible halitosis. “I haven’t brushed my teeth.”
He chuckled and popped my butt. “Hop up. There’s an unopened toothbrush under the sink. I need to call Jess back anyhow.”
“What are you going to say?”
Eli pressed his lips to my forehead. “I’m going to have her tell her parents that you didn’t feel well and fell asleep. And I’m going to ask her to text her parents to let your parents know that you’ll come home before school tomorrow to get ready.”
There were some benefits to being in love with an older man. He’d done things six years earlier and could coach me through them. Like this.
“Then, I’m going to come back in here and take the rest of my clothes off. And I hope to find you the same way except under the blankets.”
A grin spread my lips and lifted my cheeks. The anticipation of his return emptied my head of negative thoughts, and that tingle just below my pubic bone caught my attention. Eli wasn’t ashamed of me or my meltdown. He’d clear things up with Jess, and I could apologize to her in the morning. No one had to know that I’d stuck my fingers down my throat. I could start over tomorrow and have three days under my belt again in no time.
* * *
Surprisingly, opening up, even just the little that I had with Eli, had lifted a weight. We’d spent more time just hanging out and talking. I loved sitting on his back porch, staring at the woods while we shared stories of our childhood or friends. The two of us sat there watching lightning bugs flicker as the sun set, and I told him how my brothers and I tried to catch them and keep them in jars when we were all little.
His phone vibrated on the table, and he leaned over to see who it was. “It’s my mom. Do you care if I take this?”
“No.” I giggled. “Go ahead.” I didn’t know what his mom knew or didn’t know about us. I hadn’t had the courage to ask.
He watched me intently when he slid his thumb across the glass, and his stare became heated as he lifted the phone to his ear. “Hello?”
I put my bare foot on his knee and pretended like I wasn’t trying to overhear both sides of the conversation. The damn birds chirped like they were co-conspirators at keeping me in the dark. If they didn’t shut up, I’d miss the whole thing.
“Colbie and I are on the back porch.”
My toes drifted under the space between his shorts and thighs, but he didn’t stop me as I approached his crotch. Instead, he spread his legs wider to give me better access and allowed me to play until my heart was content. It seemed a bit devious with his mom practically on the porch with us, but if he wouldn’t push me away, then I wouldn’t pull back.
“No, Mom. I can’t bring her home with me. I’m fairly certain her family expects her to be at their house for Christmas. Maybe next year.”
Eli ran his hand up my shin as far as he could reach and teased my calf on his way back down without ever missing a beat in his conversation. I wondered how far I could take this game without so much as a hitch in his breath, but I wasn’t brazen enough to try. Not yet.
“I realize I went to their house for Thanksgiving, but I live here, Ma.”
His mouth remained closed, and every once in a while, I’d hear a bit of a murmur from her end, but between the frogs, the crickets, and the birds, I was none the wiser to anything she said to her son.
“Yeah, I know. I promise. I’ll see you in a couple weeks.”
My head jerked up from where it played eye spy with his shorts and the temptation that hid inside them. By the time he had disconnected, it was obvious he’d flipped a switch of concern.
“You’re going to Michigan?”
“Just for a few days over break.”
I withdrew my foot from the game I’d been playing, folded my arms over my chest, and pouted. It wasn’t fair to punish him for going to see his family; nevertheless, it didn’t change my frustration. A hole started to open in my chest, an ache, a longing—he hadn’t even left, and I was already going mental.
The rumble of Eli’s laughter drowned out nature’s white noise. He leaned forward and pulled my chair close to him. His lips met my cheek, then my jaw, down my neck, and finally my collar bone. I couldn’t help the visible reaction that pebbled my skin every time he touched me. “Don’t pout, baby. I won’t be gone long. And after this, there won’t be a holiday we have to spend apart.”
“I’m still not happy.”
His fingers slid behind my ear, likely moving hair from my face. Every time he did it, my heart melted at his gentle approach
. This man was muscle and brawn and everything testosterone on the outside. The complete opposite of what I got from him. Sincerity, kindness, love. Eli was as tender as he was strong. If hearts could bench press, he’d be a world champion lifter.
I relented when I gave in to the softness of his warm brown eyes, the crinkle of his crow’s feet, and the tip of his lip when he smirked. “I’m just going to miss you. It’s silly, I know.”
“It’s not silly. I don’t want to go without you, and had my mom told me before she bought a plane ticket, I would have found a way to get out of it.”
Being mature wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. “That’s not fair to you or them. I’m sure they miss you.”
“They can’t wait to meet you. My mom was still trying to buy you a ticket to come with me.”
I had a hard time believing his parents knew the details of our relationship. “How much have you told them?”
He sat back and propped his feet on the table, clearly quite pleased with himself. “Everything.”
“I’m sorry, what?” That could mean a lot of things. Technically, it couldn’t. Everything only had one definition, but maybe he meant everything about my personality. Or everything about what we did together. Not everything, everything. “Surely not.”
“Why are you so surprised?”
“They know everything?” My mouth hung in waiting while he nodded. “Like my age?” Yes. “My family ties?” Yes. “That I’m in high school.” Yes. “That you’re my teacher?” Yes. Every question received the same smirk followed by the same nod of confirmation, and truth danced in his eyes, twinkling. “That you took my virginity?” I raised my brows, expecting him to finally concede that they didn’t know quite as much as he wanted me to believe.
“That was a little more difficult ground to cover, but yes.”
I swatted at his arm. “Eli! Why would you tell your mom that? She’s going to think I’m awful.”
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