A Necessary Woman

by A. E. Easterlin

  “I never claimed to be a saint, Suzanna. Did you think I’d never had sex with another woman? I’m a man, and a man has needs. It wasn’t love. I needed a woman. She was there. She wanted me. I knew nothing of you then. I had not yet written Nathan. I was a man alone, and she was warm and willing. It’s no excuse, but she isn’t my wife.”

  “You needed a woman? Are you an animal and not a man? Because a man—a real man—does not use a woman. I can’t believe you have the nerve to say such things to me. That you are a man and wanted to… It is not an acceptable excuse. It’s a rather pitiful one.”

  “You’re not angry because I had a sexual encounter with another woman. You’re angry because the result was a child!”

  He may as well have struck her—raised his hand and knocked her to the earth. The one thing he could say guaranteed to hurt her. It didn’t matter that he spoke the truth. That she was jealous. That the image of him with another woman drove a knife into her belly, and she wanted to scream from the pain.

  “I know you’re angry and hurt, Suzanna. I’m sorry. Before I met you I was a different man. All these years alone, out here with endless days of hardship and work. I know it’s a poor excuse. That she was young and appealing, untried, ripe for a man. That she desired me as much as I desired her. That I accepted what was offered without thinking of the consequences. The truth is, I wanted her and I took her, but I didn’t love her. You are the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

  This is how he says the words for the first time? “I love you” spewing out of his mouth while he excuses his coupling with another woman?

  “I had no idea you even existed. How can you hold me accountable for something that happened before I met you? I won’t lose you over this. I can’t,” he said.

  “Wife or not, she has your son. You claim it was a mistake. What does it matter? The child is here now. She is here now. And you, my husband—if you are my husband—are going to act like the man I expected you to be. You are going to claim this boy as your own, and you are going to raise him to be a better man than you.” she demanded, with a fierce determination in her eyes.

  “And if I don’t? If I send him back with Black Hawk?” Jake didn’t like to be commanded to do anything.

  “Then you and I are through. I return to Alabama, and you do whatever it is you have to do. As you so callously reminded me, you have your son. It’s all you ever really wanted.” There. The ultimatum was out in the open.

  “And if I agree to claim the baby? Will you swear to stay with me then?”

  Suzanna closed her eyes. At this moment, the sight of him disgusted her. The reality was salt in an open wound. She’d put him on a pedestal like some kind of god, but he was just a man. Not the man she’d thought him, larger than life, infallible. A human—flesh and blood and flawed. For the first time since she’d known him, she was disappointed in him. He’d wrapped her in a cocoon of the perfect life, perfect marriage, but there was no such thing as perfection in an imperfect world.

  Yet the future of an innocent was at stake. That he would stoop so low as to bargain with the life of this baby made her want to physically strike him. She wanted to berate him for being a pig, a louse, an unprincipled, selfish bastard. But what choice did she have?

  “Then I’ll stay, for now at least. I don’t know what will become of us, but I will stay. Somehow, some way we’ll get through these next few days. God knows, right now I don’t see how. But the child deserves a home, and to know his father. God…Jake, how could you?”

  “I’ve already told you how. I didn’t even know you existed. I hadn’t yet thought to ask Nathan about a wife. It just happened. I’m asking again, if I agree to accept the boy, will you live with me as wife?”

  Suzanna couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Of all the things he could be asking, he wanted to assure she would continue to be his wife?

  “Do you doubt my words? Shall I sign a contract? Or are you asking me if I will continue to sleep with you? God, Jake! How can you even think of such a thing at a time like this? Is your mind always on the manly charms that rest between your legs? Are you making that part of the bargain? My body for the future of this child?” She turned away, disgusted, so she wouldn’t have to look at him.

  “When you put it like that… All right, Suzanna, how about this?”

  Jake came to stand close to her, and turned her to face him. His angry breath fanned the tendrils of hair escaping from her bun. The moist heat triggered memories of what they’d shared, but she refused to think about such things. He still moved her; still made her want him. As repugnant as he was at this moment, the man could still touch her heart, and she struggled to harden herself against him.

  “I love you, Suzanna, whether you believe it or not. I never said the words, but I tried to show you, to prove my feelings through my actions. Because I love you, I will give you time to recover from this…fiasco. I will accept the baby as my own, for in truth he is. He will be raised as our son, yours and mine. I will claim him, educate him, and teach him everything I know. In return, you will stay on this ranch and remain my wife.

  “I’ll be patient, but I will not leave our house, our room. Because I know you resent me right now, I’ll not press you. But you will remain in our marriage bed and we will continue to share it. I’ll not make love to you until you ask me to, and you will, Suzanna. Because you love me as much as I love you.”

  He ran his hands up her arms to her neck, grasped her nape, and forced her face to his. She shivered in response, loving and hating him at the same time. He lowered his head to kiss her, and she pursed her lips together and turned her head to the side.

  “But…” he continued, gently but firmly putting pressure on her neck, forcing her back to him, “to everyone on this ranch, we will continue to appear the same happy couple we have been until now.”

  “Worried about what they will think, Jake? Our friends are not as stupid as you believe. They will know things are not the same between us. They will sense it. None of this is my doing. How can you put me in this position? This is little more than blackmail.”

  “There is purpose behind the torture, Suzanna. The sooner we put this behind us, the better. If they see I’ve accepted the child, and that you and I are united, in time they will accept him, too. I shouldn’t have to tell you memories are long and some of our people have reason to hate Indians. Believe it or not, I don’t care what people on the ranch think of me. I’m their employer. They won’t question my decisions. I never claimed to be a perfect man. Far from it. This is best for the boy. That you hold me to standards of behavior of which you have no experience is entirely on you. Think what you may. These are my conditions. I need your answer.”

  What could she do? For the sake of the baby, she had to agree. But if Jake thought he could coerce her into resuming marital relations with his so-called conditions, he had another think coming. She could be as determined as he. If he so much as laid a finger on her, she’d be gone so fast there would be no footprints left to follow in the dust.

  “All right. I’ll stay in the house with you, in our room. You will not talk to me or touch me until I can stand the sight of you. You will play the husband—the lover—in name only. For all outward appearances, I will be your happily wedded wife. In return, you will treat this baby with kindness and love. He will be yours.”

  “Ours,” Jake clarified. “Yours and mine.”

  “Ours. Of course, ours. It is agreed, then?”

  “Agreed. One last kiss to seal our agreement?”

  He drew her roughly into his body. His lips molded hotly onto hers. His hand fisted the back of her dress, and he pressed her up and close until she felt every muscle, every ridge of his body.

  Then he kissed her long and deep, drawing out her need, escalating his. By the time he broke away, Suzanna knew the conditions she’d imposed on him would be as hard for her to keep as for him. She loathed her reaction but couldn’t deny it. Time. She’d asked for time. It would be her only
salvation.

  Jake growled roughly, “You still love me, Suzanna. You can’t deny it.”

  “I may love you, Jake. But I don’t like you very much right now. Let me go. You wouldn’t want to test our agreement so soon.”

  Releasing her, he stalked from the stable.

  She’d danced with the devil and given him her soul. Her knees trembled and threatened to collapse. The bargain she’d made would make her life a living hell. Oh, there was no way she would give in to her desire for him, but, God help her, even now, she wanted to. Thoughts of Jake caressing the fragile woman who lay dying made her feel ill but strengthened her resolve.

  Suzanna pushed aside her thoughts. Time to deal with her problems later. Right now, there were more pressing matters to attend to.

  Suzanna went back to the house, passing Jake in the kitchen as he spoke quietly with Martha and Pete. She ignored them all and returned to the bedroom, where Little Bird and Black Hawk waited for her.

  The Indian man knelt on the floor beside the bed of his sister, who lay very still. Suzanna stepped to her side. “Black Hawk?”

  “She has gone to our people.” Grief deepened the harsh lines of his face and showed in the shrunken posture of his body. He swallowed, and she could see the supreme effort he made to hide his feelings, but his broad shoulders stooped with sadness and his head bowed, stricken. This was no savage. That they were not of the same race made no difference to Suzanna. The same red blood ran through his veins as through any man’s. Sorrow and loss were universal.

  In spite of the resentment she felt over the circumstances, Suzanna’s compassionate heart went out to him. She reached to touch him on his shoulder.

  Black Hawk flinched, and she snatched her hand away.

  “I will take her now. She must be buried according to our custom.”

  Suzanna heard the door, and as she turned to see who was there, Jake stood in the doorway staring at Black Hawk with cloudy gray eyes.

  “I’m truly sorry.” He spoke gruffly. “I’m ashamed for my actions, Black Hawk. I apologize. I don’t know what else to say.”

  Black Hawk met his gaze disdainfully. Cold revulsion stiffened his features. “You are white. One could not expect more. There is no honor among your people. She is gone. There is nothing you can say that will make any difference. You will take her son?”

  Jake’s face reddened at the insult, but he nodded. “Suzanna and I have agreed he will be raised as our own.”

  “He is your own.”

  Black Hawk looked at Suzanna, and his gaze softened. He turned and faced Jake. “You do not deserve such a woman. She is good and wise. Be careful someone does not steal her from you.”

  Jake took it for what it was: a thinly veiled threat. Head raised, he acknowledged the challenge and stepped outside the door.

  Suzanna gathered some towels and a bowl of water. “Black Hawk. I think you should leave. I will prepare her body and wrap her in clean sheets. This is something I have done before. You will not want to see it.”

  “I will not leave her.”

  “As you wish.”

  Suzanna washed Little Bird, combed her hair, and dressed her in the clothes she’d worn when she came. Then, with Black Hawk’s help, her body was wrapped in white sheets. Suzanna gently covered her face and sewed her shroud with strong thread. Together they wrapped her in ceremonial blankets her brother had brought. Suzanna had done all she could do for brother and sister.

  Black Hawk gently removed his sister from the Cantrell house. Down the hall and stairs, past Jake and his men and finally Martha holding the baby, with Pete beside her. A solemn procession, tense and wary. He paused by his nephew, then turned his gaze toward Jake.

  Poor Little Bird. She’d lost everything. The man she loved. Her child. Her life. Suzanna couldn’t hold back the tears that streamed from her eyes.

  Where they had been waiting she couldn’t guess, but a contingent of warriors joined Black Hawk just outside the house and protectively surrounded him.

  Jake stood by Suzanna in the doorway of their home as the Indians laid Little Bird on a hastily constructed travois. The proud warrior and his braves turned their horses and headed toward the mountains.

  They were almost out of sight when Black Hawk stopped, raised his fisted arm and shouted a loud, keening cry that echoed through the valley. Suzanna had no idea what it meant but felt strangely comforted. And sadly alone.

  She went back into the house and climbed the stairs. Her next priority was the baby.

  ****

  If only he could turn back the clock.

  But he couldn’t. The consequences of his actions were right here in the flesh, squalling at the top of his lungs in vocal recrimination. Martha handed the baby to Suzanna, and Jake hated himself for the tears in his wife’s eyes. He’d hurt her. God help him. Let Nathan down. Broken his promise to both. The knowledge knifed him in the heart. Somehow he had to find a way to bridge the chasm his reprehensible actions had caused. He just wasn’t sure how.

  His wife didn’t deserve this pain. She’d done nothing but love him. He could see the pulse in her neck, a delicate, visible pressure against her skin as her heart pumped hard in her chest. He knew she felt angry and betrayed. He had to find a way to make it up to her, to restore the harmony of their relationship.

  Jake had to admit the child was beautiful. No one in his right mind could have refused him. She certainly couldn’t. Not the compassionate woman he married. How cruelly ironic if this baby, born of another woman’s body, was the only child she would ever have. For her sake, he prayed it was not. Of all the battles fought, all the risks taken in his life, this was the defining one. How he handled the future would spell redemption or retribution. All he knew was that he couldn’t lose her. Not now. Not ever.

  Jake watched Suzanna cuddle the child to her breast. She would be an excellent mother, he had no doubt. She was born for this. He only hoped he could be a good father to the boy. He was completely out of his element. He wondered if every new father felt the same.

  Father! In so short a time, he had acquired a wife and now a son. It boggled his mind. With a certainty, he knew that if he wanted to keep his wife, becoming well acquainted with fatherhood was what he would do.

  Suzanna trembled with uncharacteristic temerity. He could see the responsibility for the infant weighed heavily on her heart. She thrust back her shoulders and blinked away the moistness in her eyes. She caught him watching her and raised a brow.

  “What?” she questioned. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “I was just thinking that you were born to be a mother. Already you love this baby, regardless of how he came to you.”

  “Who could not love him, Jake? He alone of all of us is innocent. Surely you didn’t doubt me? I’ve faced far worse than the perfidy of one man and survived. I will do whatever necessary to see this baby raised happy and healthy in my care.”

  Jake silently gave thanks for the kind heart of his wife. He loved her and, God willing, a little time was all they’d need. He had to believe Suzanna loved him; somehow, some way, he’d win her back.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Jake faced Suzanna in the open space of their parlor, and they stared long and deep into each other’s eyes.

  Knowing what was at stake, he didn’t want to do or say anything that would make things worse, so he waited for Suzanna to make the first move. Hadn’t she said she didn’t want to talk to him or touch him? Pure torment, as he wanted her so much.

  “I love you, Suzanna,” he whispered so softly she barely heard. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. You know me. I’m not a perfect man, it’s true, but I am a man who loves you…since the first moment I saw you.”

  “Do I, Jake? Do I know how you feel about me? I know you want my body. I know you crave the way I kiss and touch you in the night. I know you like making love to me.”

  “Don’t deny you want those same things.”

  His wife sighed and gazed
at the baby cradled in her arms. Love and compassion flooded her face. “We are not what is important, don’t you see? This child is what matters. True, he’s not the child of my body, but he will be the child of my heart. You say you love me…then love him. He’s the only good thing to come out of your ‘mistake.’ ”

  What Suzanna wanted, what she expected, was more than acceptance of the boy; she wanted him to bond with the child, to love him. That then would be the key to winning her back. Would that be enough? It would have to be. She had become as necessary to him as the air he breathed. He would not lose her now—not if she was willing to give him a second chance.

  Jake watched as Suzanna tenderly tried to quiet the fractious baby. “He’s hungry. I have no idea what he was being fed. Little Bird certainly wasn’t able to nurse him.”

  “I don’t know anything about babies, but I know what I do for one of my animals when they’re refused at the teat.” Jake got up and left the room. When he came back, he carried a bowl of milk and one of his clean linen handkerchiefs tied in a knot.

  Dipping the cloth into the bowl, he held it over the lips of the infant and allowed a drop of milk to fall on the tiny lips. The baby’s mouth opened like a bird for a worm, and he slipped the milk-soaked cloth into his mouth.

  As the child sucked greedily, Suzanna smiled. He handed her the material and touched her fingers with his. She paused for an instant. His forefinger caressed hers, then traveled to the soft cheek of his son. His heart warmed. So many different kinds of love in the world, and he had so much to learn of all of them. His wife had taught that lesson well.

  Suzanna fed the boy until he stopped sucking, and gently placed him against her shoulder, rubbing his tiny back. He expelled a soft burp, and a small drop of milk drooled from the side of his mouth. With a tender smile, Suzanna blotted his soft lips and cradled him once more in her arms. It wasn’t long before the infant fell into a contented slumber.