Still Air

by Freya Barker

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Pam

  “Wake up, sleepy.”

  I crack my eyes open to find Dino’s deep brown ones staring at me just inches away.

  I slept deep. Not sure whether it was my emotional outburst last night or the cookies and chocolate. Maybe it was the more lighthearted, but reverent, way with which we decked out the Christmas tree after. It could have been the combination of all the above, but the fact is that after the kids finally made their excuses and headed up to bed, and Dino and I silently cleaned up and followed behind—yes, Dino crawled into bed with me and I didn’t stop him—my head barely hit the pillow before I drifted off.

  “Merry Christmas.” My words sound raw with sleep and a little thick with emotion. The corners of his eyes crinkle up with a smile, and despite the heavy sadness surrounding my heart, I feel it lift at the sight.

  “The first of many more,” he says, his words and the smile that accompanies them, settling deep in my soul.

  My hand comes up to stroke the stubble on his jaw. There are no questions, only answers, in his eyes and I feel the need to give back.

  “So far it has been nothing but rough waters, but I want you to know I don’t regret being here for a minute. Taking a chance with you, stepping out of my comfort zone—you’ve made it worth while.” I watch as his pupils dilate and his feelings are on full display. He holds nothing back. “I thought it would be scary to let this happen, but you made falling for you easy.”

  “I’m glad,” he says, his voice a little hoarser than before. “Because I wouldn’t want to fall alone.”

  Instead of kissing me, like I thought he would, he tucks his head in my neck and wraps his arms tightly around me. I’m not sure how long we stay like that before he releases me and sits back up on the side of the bed.

  “It’s snowing,” he says. “Has been for a while.”

  Not sure what it is about snow on Christmas, but it seems to bring out the magic. I barely resist squealing as I jump out of bed and rush to the window. Sure enough, a thick blanket of white fluff covers everything in sight and more is falling.

  “Why don’t you hop in the shower and I’ll get going on breakfast.” Dino stands up and starts moving to the door when I hurry to stop him by sliding my body between him and the door. I slip my arms around his neck and lift up on my toes, reaching to kiss him. His big hand slides up my back, before cupping the back of my head, making me feel both vulnerable and safe. His mouth quickly takes over and I’m glad for his hold on me, because my knees grow weak with the barely restrained force of his kiss.

  “Thank you,” I mumble against his lips when he finally pulls away. One last peck before he shoves me in the direction of the bathroom, slapping my ass on the way.

  -

  I managed to grab a few things when I quickly packed my bag last night, but I never had the chance to wrap them. With everything going on, and being out of practice, I hadn’t done any shopping for Christmas, but I didn’t want to come empty-handed. So when Dino herded us into the living room, after a stupendous breakfast of banana and Nutella stuffed French toast, I excused myself for a minute to grab my overnight bag from upstairs.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t manage to get out to get you guys something,” I start, walking back in the room and sitting down beside Dino on the couch. Gina is curled up in the club chair and Jonas is sitting on the floor by the tree. All eyes are on me. “I didn’t even have a chance to wrap them. Gina,” I turn my attention to her as I pull her gift from my bag. “My grandmother made this when I was a girl,” I say as I unfold the quilt I’ve held onto all these years, safely stored in my linen closet. “I haven’t used it since I was a teenager, but I can tell you it made me feel loved at times I really needed it. I hope it can do the same for you.” I have a hard time not crying when I see Gina’s eyes fill up. Her gaze comes up to meet mine, before it slips down to the blue and green painstakingly handstitched quilt in my hands.

  “Biscuit,” Dino’s voice sounds deep and gravelly beside me, and I quickly lift a hand to stop the protest I know will be coming next.

  “I want her to have it. To use it the way I was able to when times got bumpy. It would make me happy.” I hold out the quilt and watch as Gina slowly unfolds herself from her chair and makes her way over, her eyes never leaving her gift.

  “Thank you,” she says simply, never quite looking at me, but when she sits down and smoothes the quilt around her, a little bit of wonder on her face as she studies its pattern, it makes me smile.

  “I’m afraid it’s a hand-me-down for you as well,” I confess to Jonas as I unearth his gift. “The one thing Derrick remained passionate about was his Red Sox. Living in New York at the time, being a Red Sox fan wasn’t exactly easy or welcomed, given the historical rivalry between them and the Yankees, which should show you how invested he was in his team. When he went to prison, he asked me to hold on to his favorite jersey for him. I don’t know if you’re familiar with him, but his favorite player was Jason Varitek. He signed Derrick’s jersey outside Yankee stadium after a game one year.”

  “Jesus,” Dino mutters behind me, but I ignore him as I hand the shirt over to his son, who solemnly nods his thanks before the side of his mouth tips up as he addresses his dad.

  “Jason, Dad—not Jesus,” he deadpans, breaking through the much too heavy atmosphere as I snicker and Gina giggles softly.

  “Smartass,” Dino fires back, chuckling himself.

  When Dino drives me to Florence House a while later, I’m actually reluctant to leave. It’s obvious Dino’s kids aren’t necessarily spoiled with lavish gifts, but they seemed happy with the things their father picked up for them. They’d also joined forces to get their father a gift certificate for dinner at DiMillo’s On The Water, a favored floating restaurant in Portland. A sweet gift that was accompanied by a card that simply stated; For all the times you cook for us! Dino had been visibly moved. Jonas voiced concern that they didn’t get me anything, but I quickly waved that off.

  “At the risk of sounding superbly cheesy; reintroducing me to Christmas is truly the best gift you could’ve given me. So thank you all for that.”

  I think the kids were terrified things would get heavy and emotional again, because very shortly after that they disappeared upstairs to get dressed. Dino insisted they come along to drop me off and head over to the sledding hill at the Eastern Prom to work off breakfast on the slope. I have to admit, I’m a little jealous. The views of Casco Bay are fantastic from there and the sledding...let’s just say I haven’t been that carefree in decades. It sounds really fun.

  Florence House doesn’t have a driveway or a garage, it’s an old, Victorian townhouse with a small, fenced front yard. Dino pulls up by the curb out front, just as Marianne and Maria step out of the gate, arm in arm.

  “Hey.” Marianne waves and approaches the car when she sees me, dragging Maria along. Both of them are covered in snow.

  “Happy Christmas,” she says through a smile, her lips a little blue from the cold.

  “Merry Christmas to you two, as well,” I respond in kind when I step out of the car.

  More Christmas wishes are exchanged as Dino and the kids add theirs.

  “What are you girls doing out here?” I want to know. A sheepish grin spreads over Marianne’s face.

  “Snow angels,” she replies. “I’ve never made a snow angel and Maria offered to show me.”

  My eyes dart to Maria, whose eyes seem to be focused on the backseat through the window. Shit! I’m not sure if she actually recognizes Jonas and just as I try to close the door quickly, so they can be on their way, the backdoor opens and Jonas steps out.

  “Honey, maybe you should...” I try, but Jonas is already moving toward her.

  “Hey,” I hear him say to her softly. Maria’s eyes flit back and forth between Jonas and Marianne, who has clearly become her savior. Marianne is closer and steps in, grabbing Maria’s hand. Jonas tucks his hands in his pockets and shuffles the s
now a little with his foot. “I’m sorry.” The words are even quieter, but stand out stark in the still air. “I know there isn’t anything I can do to take back what happened—what I allowed to happen—but I want you to know that I would if I could.”

  Behind me I hear another car door open and know, without checking, that Dino just got out as well.

  It’s an awkward, painful tableau. A moment in time that seems to outline clearly how cruel life can sometimes be. Nobody knows what to say. Finally, Jonas turns his back to the women on the sidewalk and moves back to the car. I see him swallow hard as he seems to struggle to keep control over his emotions.

  “Merry Christmas.” The soft voice stops him in his tracks as I see Maria pull free from Marianne’s hold and take a few steps closer. “If there was anything to forgive, consider yourself forgiven,” she adds. “This is not your burden to carry. Just like it’s not mine.” She reaches out and touches his shoulder, sending a visible shock through his body. “Please.”

  I watch as he is unable to hold back a single tear that streaks down his face. He slowly turns around to face her. “Thanks,” he says, his voice cracking on the single syllable. “You have a good Christmas, too.”

  “Oh for Pete’s sake,” Marianne pipes up, stepping between the two and very unexpectedly wrapping her arms around Jonas in a hug. “Enough with the mushy stuff. You’re a little punk,” she says, leaning back to look up at Jonas. “But you’re an okay little punk. Now are you guys gonna come inside or just sit there freezing your asses off in the car?”

  “Well, actually, the kids and I were...” Dino starts to make excuses.

  “Nonsense,” Marianne cuts him off. “We’ve got hot cider inside, and Maria and I have spent the past week baking up a storm. Enough goodies to have both of us looking like sumo wrestlers, if someone doesn’t come and help us eat the stuff.”

  “I didn’t think we were allowed in?” Dino walks up beside me and looks at me questioningly.

  “Normally we don’t let men in, no,” I confirm. “For obvious reasons.”

  “Right.”

  “Yes, but there’s no one here but us chickens, and Doris, but she’s not an inmate,” Marianne takes over, ignoring my protest at her choice of words and the little giggle from Maria. “We’d like you to come in. Wouldn’t we?” she asks Maria, who just smiles and nods.

  “Fine,” I say a little ungraciously, throwing up my hands in defeat. “By all means, let’s stuff our faces with more sweet stuff and hate ourselves in the morning.” I start marching toward the house, leaving the rest to follow behind. Doris stands in the doorway, snickering at my scowl. “Et tu, Brute?” I fire off at her as she steps aside to let me pass.

  Gone for a week and I have a mutiny on my hands.

  Dino

  I can honestly say, I never thought I’d celebrate Christmas inside a woman’s shelter. Let alone enjoy the fuck out of it.

  Marianne is a hoot. The petite woman has an attitude that makes it difficult to believe she survived decades of emotional and physical abuse. The way she mothers Maria is both heartwarming and hilarious. I notice every time Pam looks over at where the two are sitting, side by side on the couch, she gets a little misty-eyed.

  “So how’s about a game of Cards Against Humanity?” Marianne offers as she gets up from the couch. Maria giggles and I hear Jonas suck in a breath. I have no clue what Cards Against Humanity is, but apparently the kids do. Even Gina has a blush on her face and a slightly panicked look as she glances my way. Pam looks as confused as I’m sure I do, but we all follow the small woman into the dining room, taking seats around the table.

  Marianne sets a black box on the table and proceeds to explain the objective of the game. A word game of sorts. Everyone seems to get the concept, although Pam and I seemed to be the only ones who need explaining. Marianne takes a stack of cards from the box and starts dealing. I pick them up, one by one, and about have a fucking heart attack.

  Whining like a little bitch, A big black dick, My dad’s dumb fucking face, Grandpa’s ashes, and Two midgets shitting in a box. And those are only the first five cards I pick up. I look at Pam beside me, who is clearly not faring much better. Both our eyes swing to the instigator, who looks way too pleased with herself.

  “Marianne!” Pam finally manages to say in a stern tone. “I hardly think this is...”

  “Oh, relax,” the old bitty hushes as she flaps her hand. “Look at the kids. They’ve all played this before.” She looks at each of them in return. “Am I right?”

  All of them, including my thirteen-year-old little girl nods. Fuck my life.

  Three hours later, my stomach aching from laughing so damn much, I herd the kids and Pam back to the car. I offered to get food to cook here, but apparently Brenda, the other woman who works here, is coming over with dinner in a bit.

  I’ve planned an easy meal. I spend enough time in the kitchen as it is, so am throwing together a simple honey-glazed ham, with mashed potatoes, sautéed vegetables and apple pie a la mode for dessert. The kids like it. They’re not big on fancy stuff, Jonas says he prefers food he can recognize.

  Driving home is a bit treacherous. The roads are covered with snow and it’s still coming down. Not many people out and about, and I’ve yet to see a plow. The five minute drive actually takes more like twenty, and the moment I pull into the garage, the kids are out of the car, and rushing into the house. Jonas a little slower than his sister, who beats him to the door.

  “I forgot to ask you with everything going on,” I turn to Pam, who’s still seated beside me. “Did Detective Barnes ever manage to get hold of you?” The surprised look on her face is all the answer I need.

  “Shit. I should’ve mentioned something sooner. They have those two punks in custody. He mentioned there would be no bail set this time. I’m not sure if it’s because of the holidays or what, but I haven’t heard from him since.”

  “I’ll call him on Monday,” Pam volunteers, sounding a little distracted. “Find out what’s going on.”

  “How are you doing?” I ask, slipping a hand around her neck and rubbing my thumb along her jaw. “Holding up okay?” Pam had been laughing hard earlier along with the rest of us, but every now and then, I would see a shadow cloud her face. I didn’t want to put her on the spot either at the shelter or with the kids listening in.

  Pam leans her face into my hand and briefly closes her eyes. “I’m okay,” she softly responds. “In all honesty, since Derrick was incarcerated, I haven’t truly celebrated the holidays. Not like today.” She sighs deeply. “It’s almost like waking up from a deep sleep; everything is stiff and hurts a little from lack of use. Being so used to tamping down emotions, feeling this much is a bit overwhelming.”

  “I’m sorry.” I know it’s not enough, but at this point I’m not sure what else I can say. I can be here, ready to catch her, but that’s all I can do. Pam is too strong and independent for anything else. Her gorgeous eyes are focused on mine, warm and caring, and together with the soft smile on her lips, she stirs up my emotions. It’s rare she shows her softer side, and I’m very aware what it means that she so easily shows me.

  Love is funny. Sometimes it hits you like a freight train, like with the birth of my children. The moment I held their fragile little bodies in my arms, it came at me so hard, it took my breath away. The love of friends feels comfortable, effortless, like an old pair of sneakers. Some love is hot and momentarily blinding, like what I felt for Jeannie; the instant stun of a flare that burns hot and then burns out. Then there’s the kind of love that sneaks up on you. The kind you don’t see coming, don’t notice growing, until it is right there in your face, bigger than life.

  “What is going through your mind?” Pam asks me, pulling her jacket tighter around her against the cold. I should get her inside where it’s warm, but instead I lean over and cover her luscious lips with mine. Kissing her is like a hit of sugar to my veins, setting my blood buzzing with the potency of her flavor, like rich, dark co
ffee.

  “You—you are going through my mind,” I admit, when I slowly pull back from the kiss. “Constantly. I can’t seem to not think about you. You’re everywhere.” She straightens up and looks down at her hands.

  “I’m not sure if that’s a good thing,” she whispers.

  “Oh...it’s a good thing. It’s a very good thing.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Pam

  “How’s Benji doing?”

  Sarah is fidgeting with the strap of her purse she, for some reason, is keeping in a tight grip on her lap. Something is off with her today.

  Christmas left me both emotionally drained but mentally refreshed. I stayed with Dino and his kids until after breakfast the day after. Although I slept in Dino’s bed with him, we didn’t have sex. Exactly. By the time we rolled into bed, it was late and we didn’t do more than kiss and snuggle, but the next morning—apparently the preferred time of day for us both—we’d woken up sufficiently recharged to explore a little. Until distinct sounds from the hallway announced one or both of the kids were awake. Works like a cold shower.

  I’d felt good, though. Still sad and a bit emotional, but somehow seeing how Marianne dealt with her first Christmas without her family, helped me to put things in perspective. That woman came into the shelter, battered physically and emotionally, and months later she is the life of the party. I never thought I would laugh that hard again, but I did. It was unadulterated, uncomplicated, and highly inappropriate fun, and we all walked away the better for it. That’s why after breakfast with Dino and his family, I needed to get back on my feet. And that included taking back the groups and checking in with my clients these past few days. I’ve been so preoccupied with my own stuff, I feel I’ve left them neglected.