Still Air

by Freya Barker

  I’m about to sit down on a small wall at the edge of the park to wait for Dino, when I hear it. A soft whimper. I swing my head around to face the trees at the far edge again, but I still see nothing. Could’ve been an animal, but when I hear it again, it sounds distinctly human. Then I see them; two figures coming out of the trees. The smallest one, who seems to be supporting the second person, looks familiar and without realizing it, I’m already running and stumbling through the snow toward them. I’m almost there when I hear her.

  “Pam! Be careful!”

  Gina’s voice rings clear this time and she seems to be looking over my shoulder. I whip my head around to see a big shape lumbering toward me.

  “Dino!” I recognize him immediately but his attention is not on me, it’s on his daughter. Dino runs right by me, straight to where Gina is faltering under the weight of the boy she’s trying to hold up. I follow behind and recognize Benji when we get closer.

  “What the hell is going on?” Dino’s deep voice almost bellows when he pulls the boy off his daughter. He can barely keep his feet under him as Dino tries to keep him up by the shoulders.

  “He’s drunk,” Gina admits, tears running down her face. “He didn’t know who else to call. Said some older guys at the cemetery tried to force him to take drugs, but he got away and hid in the trees.”

  What I understand from Gina’s rambling, is that Benji met with a few friends and headed to the cemetery on the other side of the trees for their own version of a New Year’s party. It got out of hand when a group of older kids showed up, members of the Seals, and tried to peddle drugs among the kids. Benji was already three sheets to the wind when they got there and found himself abandoned by his so-called friends when things turned a little tense with the new arrivals. The Seals had quickly zoomed in on him, and when he said he wasn’t interested in buying what they were selling, they tried to force him to swallow pills. There was some disturbance that allowed Benji to get away, and he managed to hide in the bushes, from there he called Gina.

  I’m looking at Dino’s face, and I have a feeling this doesn’t bode well for Gina or for Benji, so I decide to jump in.

  “Right. Why don’t I make sure Benji gets home and you look after her?” I suggest, not even really knowing where to start with that. “We could call the cops, but I don’t think it’s going to do any good. They’ll have their hands full tonight with this weather, and I don’t want us to have to wait for God knows how long until they show. We’ll be frozen solid by then. We can call them from home.”

  Dino doesn’t even look at me. He simply marches the kid over to a bench, which is almost buried in snow, and sits him down before returning to me.

  “Fine,” he says through gritted teeth. “I called Gunnar on my way here and he’s coming in Syd’s SUV. He can take you.”

  “What about you?” I want to know, a little confused, but I don’t get an answer. I’m about to push it, when an SUV pulls up on the side of the road.

  -

  It’s got to be near midnight when I pull the door closed behind me. Sarah had tried to get me to stay at least until after the New Year was rung in, but I just want to get home.

  What a fucked up night it had turned out to be. Gunnar dropped Dino and Gina off at home first, and other than a, “Call you,” Dino hadn’t said a word. No kiss—no acknowledgement at all—and suddenly it felt like the past few months never happened. Like we were back where we started. My earlier excitement at the start of a new year, in more ways than one, quickly evaporated.

  I’m not sure I quite understand the shift. Don’t get me wrong, I get the focus on his daughter to the exclusion of everyone else. I understand that because I’ve lived it. What I don’t understand is his easy dismissal of me. Is he angry? Does he blame me for Gina taking off? He seemed to be able to talk to Gunnar in the front seat, while I was relegated to the back with the two kids, but he wasn’t talking to me.

  When we drove away from his house after dropping them off, Gunnar looked at me in the rearview mirror.

  “You okay, Pam?”

  The question, so innocent, represented everything that was wrong. I managed a flippant, “Yup,” and quickly turned my burning eyes away from his prying ones.

  He’d wanted to stay and wait for me outside Sarah’s place, but I told him I had no idea what I’d find inside and to go home to his wife and kids. He reluctantly agreed and took off after helping me get a very drunk and half-asleep Benji to his front door.

  The snow crunches under my feet as I walk past the hospital, in hopes of perhaps spotting a cab lingering outside the entrance. No such luck. It is no longer actively snowing and the winds have died down significantly. It’s a lot more pleasant to be outside and I suddenly don’t mind the walk. A plow appears to have come through the main streets, the roads are passable, and it’s not too far to Dino’s house where my car is still parked. So that’s where I’m heading. I have my keys in my pocket, so I can just take off—get myself home and worry about tomorrow...well, tomorrow.

  I turn up his street and spot my car sitting in the driveway. There are some lights on in the house, mainly upstairs, but the front porch is lit as well. I don’t see him until I actually walk up the drive, and he stands up from where he’d been sitting on the steps. I linger by the car, my plan to sneak in and drive off undetected obviously thwarted.

  Dino

  “How’s Gina?”

  I can’t see her face clearly, but the sound of her warm voice only highlights what an absolute idiot I am. She should be furious with me.

  “Upset, angry, a little scared, I guess. Mostly angry though—at me.”

  She had been, my princess, pissed off as hell. When I should have been chewing her out, I ended up getting it with both barrels from both Gina and her brother. Although Jonas did dole out his licks to his sister as well. It was messy and emotional and the entire time I couldn’t stop thinking of her. Pam. The fucking house smelled phenomenal, a distinct Caribbean blend of spices and fresh, yeasty bread. She’d come here, while I was at work, spent hours preparing a meal that carries significance for her, that she wanted to share with us, and I was a giant dick. Even after she’d gone out and went searching for my kid in a snowstorm.

  “At you?”

  “Hmmm. Jonas, too,” I offer as I slowly move closer.

  “Look, I’d better get going,” she says, a little uncomfortable as I approach. It makes me feel like shit.

  “I wish you wouldn’t.”

  She looks up at me. I hate the insecurity I see in her eyes. I put that there. A woman who, other than at the death of her son, has rarely shown any signs of vulnerability, is showing them now.

  I round the car in a few big strides and don’t stop until I have her rigid body in my arms.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper against her ear. “I’m so fucking sorry. I was worried and angry, and shut down on you.” When she doesn’t say anything I add, “Come inside?”

  A loud bang, followed by a bunch of smaller ones, has us both lift our heads just in time to see a shower of flares light up the sky. Before they dim, another bang sounds and this time a red glow fills the sky as more fireworks are set off. Behind us the front door opens and both kids step out on the porch. Jonas gives me a thumbs up when he sees us, and Gina tries to hide a smile, before their attention is drawn to the next rocket shooting off.

  I look down in Pam’s face, which is turned up to me, and I lower my head to press a kiss to her mouth, my eyes wide open.

  “Happy New Year, Biscuit.”

  Her lips curve up under mine in a smile. “Happy New Year to you too, honey,” she returns in her rich, silky voice.

  With my arm tight around her shoulder, we watch as some unruly kids, partying it up in the cemetery, light up the Portland night sky.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Pam

  “Come for me, Beautiful.”

  The low rumble of Dino’s voice, combined with the deep thrust of his rigid cock inside me, send
me spiraling into an orgasm that has my toes curl and my body clamp down on him. The moan that wants to escape is swallowed up by his mouth finding mine, his tongue mimicking the drive of his hips between my legs. While my body is still convulsing with aftershocks of my own orgasm, I feel his muscles bunch up under my hands as he reaches his own climax. This time it’s me swallowing his grunts against my lips.

  I’m guessing it was close to two in the morning when we finished cleaning up and headed upstairs, following the kids, who’d gone to bed half an hour or so before. We’d eaten the JouMou and the bread, and Jonas pointed out that since it was after midnight, we’d stuck to tradition, eating it on the first of January. That made me smile.

  It had been Dino who’d steered us away from discussing the events of earlier, indicating he just wanted to enjoy his family under one roof. That had softened any reservation I may have held. I knew there were things that needed to be discussed, but I felt more confident about those now that it was clear there would be a time and a place for that.

  Gina had been a little subdued after she’d given me a hug and a teary apology, which is when Dino had jumped in. He’d pulled his daughter into a big bear hug, telling her he loved her, and promising her a better year ahead. It made me swallow a lump. Jonas wasn’t shy hugging me, and I was reminded how much like his father he is, when he squeezed me tight and told me he was happy I was in their lives. I may have lost it a little then.

  Without words, Dino had divested me of my clothes and proceeded to show me with his eyes and his body how sorry he was. It wasn’t necessary, but it felt good nonetheless. Very good.

  “What are you thinking?” he mumbles, his large frame still pinning me to the mattress, his face buried in the spot low on my neck he seems to like.

  “That I feel safe,” I tell him, surprised at my own conclusion. “In more than one way, actually,” I add. “I’m not sure how long it’s been, maybe I never had it, but I’m not scared of the future anymore. Or of letting myself feel.” Dino pushes up on his elbows, all his attention focused on my face as I smile. “I admit, for a while last night, I wasn’t so sure, but that disappeared when I saw you waiting for me. I’m grateful for your words but I didn’t need them. Trust is not something I easily give, but I trust you.”

  “Thank you.” His lips move against mine before he lifts away. “I was an ass and it had little to do with you. It was the realization I was failing as a parent.” A sharp shake of his head cuts off the protest that was forming on my lips. “I wasn’t watching Gina. I was too preoccupied with other things to notice she was slipping. Last night was a knee-jerk reaction. I have to get used to sharing things again. I haven’t been able to do that in a long time. It was always just easier to deal with things myself. I should’ve talked to you.”

  “Stop.” I cover his mouth with my fingers. “Enough of the self-recriminations. Lord knows we both have a knack for those. I still struggle with the what-ifs. I don’t want to do that with you. Don’t want to have regrets of any kind, and the only way to do that is to be completely open. Give you all of me, warts and all. All I want in return is to trust that when we hit the inevitable bumps in the road, you’ll have my back, just as I have yours.”

  Dino’s beautiful brown eyes turn liquid as I watch him swallow hard. “Always.” His gruff voice cracks on the single word as he rolls off me and swings his legs over the side of the bed. I watch the muscles in his ass flex as he makes his way to the bathroom. Nice view. One I wouldn’t mind enjoying the rest of my life.

  My thoughts grind to a halt. Am I really considering that? The rest of my life?

  If you’d have asked me as little as two months ago whether I’d ever consider the possibility, I would likely have laughed in your face. It doesn’t seem so funny now. I just promised him all of me, and that should include the depth of my feelings. Sure, I’ve been trying to deny those, even to myself, but perhaps it’s time to put my money where my mouth is.

  When he walks back into the room with a towel in his hand, I blurt it out.

  “You know I love you, right?”

  Fuck. I sound like Tweetie Bird on helium, my tight voice is pitched so high.

  Dino freezes a few steps into the room, shock evident on his face, and I wait with baited breath for his reaction. Fuck—any reaction. I’m about to cover my head with a pillow, my face burns so bright. I haven’t uttered those words to any man, aside from Derrick, in the past thirty-some years. Maybe that’s why I seem a bit rusty and tight.

  I turn my face away, cursing myself to hell and back for jumping the gun. Almost instantly a familiar large hand cups my cheek and turns my head back.

  “I hoped,” he says, a wide grin on his face. “But now I know.”

  He successfully makes me forget about my embarrassment, my exhaustion, and my impromptu declaration, with a second round of inspired lovemaking.

  It isn’t until I collapse onto his chest, after riding him with more enthusiasm than I thought I’d be able to muster, that I realize he hasn’t returned my sentiments.

  My admittedly impulsive effort at full disclosure is still hanging suspended in the thick, sex-infused air.

  Dino

  I’m up before anyone else, despite the early hour, I finally fell into a satisfied sleep with Pam draped over me. She was already softly snoring, while I was still counting my blessings.

  To hear her admit her feelings out loud took care of any lingering fear I might’ve had that I’d done permanent damage when I shut her out earlier. I could’ve come out and told her I love her too, but I didn’t. I’m sure she knows I do, just like it wasn’t a total surprise for me.

  What was a surprise is that she told me. I wasn’t expecting that until after I’d laid my soul bare. That’s why I froze for a minute, letting myself feel the full impact of what she was really saying when she told me she loves me. Pam, completely open and unguarded, willingly putting herself in a very vulnerable position—and I loved it.

  I never meant to make her wait, but want to pick my own perfect moment to share with her.

  The kids are still on one ear, which is not news; they rarely get out of bed before ten or eleven if they don’t need to. That’s something they don’t get from me. I like my early mornings. Apparently so much so, that even after a scant four or so hours of sleep, I’m down here impatiently waiting for the coffee to brew.

  It feels good, having everyone I care about under one roof. Something I’d like to see become permanent, sooner rather than later. Won’t be long until Jonas graduates and heads of to college or university, and I would love to send him off on a high note after the shit year we’ve had. Having Pam move in now would also provide some better stability for Gina, who is at an age where she needs a strong woman on her side.

  I don’t know where Jeannie is now, and it is a bit shocking how little I care. If not for the kids, I could easily dismiss her from my mind completely. But she is their mother, and not only that, she is still my wife on paper. She never went along with the divorce, she simply disappeared. I had been prepared to wait the three years of desertion that is required to get a judge to grant an at fault divorce. I could’ve made an attempt to get proof that she was an addict as grounds for divorce, but at the time I didn’t want to go that route for the sake of the kids. She now has a record, though. Ironically, after breaking and entering my house. I haven’t talked to my lawyer yet, but perhaps I should do that on Monday or Tuesday. Get the ball rolling on changing the application for divorce from no-fault, to a fault application. I’d gladly spend the money again, if it meant I could get this resolved within sixty days.

  I’m actually whistling as I walk up the stairs, a coffee in each hand. Pam isn’t in bed, so I march straight into the en suite bathroom, shoving the door open with my elbow, where I find her sitting on the toilet.

  “Really?” she says when I calmly put our coffees on the counter and pull my shaving foam from the drawer. I lean in to inspect my scruff, when I hear Pam flush the toilet, shov
ing me aside with her hip and washing her hands in the sink.

  “Do you prefer smooth or a little fuzz?” I ask her, as I cover my head with foam.

  She grabs a towel and stands behind me, watching me in the mirror while she dries her hands. “Fuzz,” she says, her head tilted to one side. “I like how it feels.”

  I don’t even try to hide the big grin that splits my face at her words. I like it, too. I like the way my scruff leaves whisker burns on the insides of her thighs after I’ve had my mouth on her. I watch as she rolls her eyes in response but still her lips tilt up at the corners. She steps up behind me and puts her hands on my shoulders, turning me and pushing me to sit down on the edge of the tub. I don’t say a word as she turns to pull my razor from the drawer and wedges her legs between mine, her free hand cupping my chin. I hold her by the hips and keep my eyes fixed on her face. With one long, smooth stroke she runs the razor across my scalp. I don’t even flinch.

  “You know I love you, right?”

  Her shaving hand freezes midair as her eyes flick down to meet mine. A small smile forms on her mouth as she nods.

  “Yeah,” she whispers, as she strokes her thumb along my jaw. “I know.”

  “Good.” I pull down the hand holding the razor and kiss the inside of her wrist.

  -

  “Morning.”

  Jonas barely reacts as he comes stumbling into the kitchen. He’s on automatic pilot as he shuffles to the coffee pot, a fresh made one, and starts doctoring himself a mug that makes my asshole pucker. Four full scoops of sugar—my gums bleed just looking at the spoon going in each time.

  “You’re gonna drink that?” Pam’s face looks like she’s just swallowed a mouthful of mealworms. “Why not pour the coffee straight into the sugar bowl? Saves you work.”