Tigers on the Run

by Sean Kennedy

  “—and I have no one. Three hours ago, I thought I did. But he couldn’t get rid of me fast enough. I couldn’t stand being with all the couples.”

  “We’ve all been there.” But I saw it through his eyes: the rawness of rejection, and the salt being poured into it by happy couples around him. Happy gay couples, even, showing him what he was missing out on. Add teenage hormones and I guess we were lucky he had only run to Lorne and not Tasmania.

  This time a tear fell, and I looked away. Not for bullshit gendered reasons, because real men eat quiche and cry and all that shit (just find Dec whenever he’s watching Brave with his nieces), but because he was finally talking to me and I didn’t want to jeopardise that.

  “Oh, yeah. You and Declan Tyler; perfect couple. I’m sure you understand.”

  I snorted. “It took me a while to find him. And, really, he found me. You think I didn’t have to kiss a hell of a lot of bastard frogs before Prince Charming came along? Oh, and please don’t tell him I called him that. I’d never hear the end of it.”

  Micah coughed back a laugh. It may have been brief, and quickly suppressed, but it was genuine.

  “And we’re not perfect. We’re just a couple. We have good times, bad times, and some fucking horrendous times, but in the end those ones don’t really matter because the good ones far outweigh them.” As Micah was still looking away from me, I quickly texted “found him” to Dec. “You may be a shithead at times, but there’s no way it can’t all possibly happen for you one day.”

  Like it would for me, the gentle ribbing worked best for him. Sometimes genuine emotion just puts you off where sarcasm puts you at ease. That’s not to say that genuine emotion isn’t needed in certain circumstances, but I just didn’t think that Micah was fully ready for a total deep and meaningful. Like most teenagers, his angst level was set to eleven.

  Emotion was what he had wanted from his boyfriend.

  Just like Dec was the only one who could calm me down, the only one I could fully open myself to. And sometimes even he couldn’t make me do it.

  And that was when it really hit me. People had thought at times we were an odd couple, but we worked because we were what the other person needed. So maybe Coby was Jasper’s Prince Charming. Hell, maybe Jasper was Coby’s Prince Charming. I couldn’t see how, and maybe I didn’t want to, but it seemed to work for them.

  Micah’s mask was slipping a little. “You really think so?” His strangled voice seemed overly loud in the air—that had escaped him rather than being a willing question.

  “Hey, if I could land Prince Charming I’m pretty sure anybody can.”

  “You’re calling him Prince Charming again.”

  “I’ve got to stop doing that. I’m no Snow White.”

  “I don’t think you’re as bad as you say you are.”

  That was the nicest thing he had ever said to me. And it had looked painful for him to get out.

  “Ditto.”

  Micah grinned, but hid his face again. “Any other advice you want to give me?”

  “I could give you another certified rant.”

  He groaned.

  “Look, I think it’s really important.”

  “Fine.” It came out as a moan.

  “You’re going to be the first gay player to be fully out at the start of his career. That’s not anything new I’m telling you. I can’t begin to know how much pressure you’re feeling, but you have to find some way of dealing with it.”

  “Okay,” Micah nodded. “I get that.”

  “You’re a pioneer.”

  He rolled his eyes.

  “I’m not joking when I call you that. And Dec, more than anybody, gets that. He was one, too. It was in a different way to you, because he was outed during his career. You think he doesn’t look back and wish he could do it differently? If he hadn’t been outed, even he doesn’t know how long he might have gone on closeted. Maybe he might have stayed like that forever, even after retirement.”

  “I don’t believe Dec would be like that.”

  “We can believe anything. We can’t rewrite history.”

  “He’s too good.”

  “He’s human. I’m pretty sure there were guys still too scared to come out after he did—fuck, the law of statistics demands it. But what matters is what he did when he was outed. He stepped up, and he had to deal with the shit that came with it. There are pros and cons for every player that has come along since him, and there will be even for those who come after you.”

  “After me? I don’t even know what I’m going to do yet.”

  “That’s a decision that is entirely yours to make. But there’s one major difference between you and Dec. You’ll never have to deal with the closet as a player, and what happens with people loving you and then hating you after you come out.” I got stuck in memory, thinking of Dec’s brawls on the field and the time I had punched a guy called Jason Terne for calling Dec a fag on Brunswick Street. “That’s got to hurt, people thinking the world of you until they find out you like guys.”

  “But they could hate me anyway.”

  “Yeah, and if they hate you—”

  “You mean when.”

  “I’m not going to lie. Some people will. Because there are a lot of shitheads in the world. But at least you’ll know it from the very start. And you’ll think, fuck them. Because when you go home you might have a boyfriend who you’ll think the world of, and he’ll think the same of you, and those people will always be bitter fucking arseholes.”

  “Have you ever thought of becoming a life coach?”

  “No, but maybe I should write kids’ books.”

  “Yeah. Life Sucks, and Then it Sucks Some More by Simon Murray.”

  “It’ll prepare them early.”

  “You’re not kidding.”

  “I guess the most important question you have to be asking yourself is if you love footy enough to do this.”

  “Of course I do!” It was out of him before he even had time to think, and he looked surprised. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do since I was a kid.”

  I restrained myself from pointing out he still was a kid.

  “It’s just all the other shit involved with it.”

  “Look, Micah, Dec has actually made things a lot easier for you. And you’ll make it easier for some other gay kid down the line. Sometimes you’ll have to think of that other kid so you have enough strength to get through your own crap. There’s a bigger picture to all of this.”

  “Do you think I can do it?”

  “Really? You think my opinion matters?” I was touched, in spite of myself.

  He shrugged. “Maybe.”

  “I think you’re beginning to like me.”

  “Shut up.”

  “You are!”

  He kicked at the sand in temper. I decided not to push it further.

  “Nobody’s telling you what to feel or what to do. Okay, I know I have just given you a huge rant about what you can feel or do, but I’m just trying to show you some possibilities. And no matter what happens, Dec just wants to support you. That’s who he is. That’s his only agenda. And you’re lucky to have a Dec to do that for you.”

  “I still don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  “It’s a long ride back to the city. And then you can talk about it with your parents. I’m sure that’ll be fun.”

  He sighed. “It’ll be fucking fantastic. I’m going back to the bus.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “I have your word on that? You’re not going to jump in the water and start heading for Launceston?”

  He smiled, exasperated. “Fucking hell, I won’t! I’m a footballer, not a swimmer!”

  “Okay.”

  “Are you coming?”

  “I’m just going to sit here a bit and enjoy the view.”

  “You’re trusting me to go back by myself?”

  “I’m sure you don’t want me holding your hand.”

  “
No, I’ll leave that to Declan.” He winced. “Holding your hand, I mean.”

  “Yes, please don’t get a crush on teacher.”

  “Gross.”

  He was still such a kid. It was heartbreaking to watch him walk away, pulling his hoody back over his head and jamming his hands in his pockets. He was still not comfortable in his own skin, no matter how much he tried to convince people otherwise.

  Had I been so obvious all my life? I guess I had been to some people: Fran, Roger, and Dec had always seen through me.

  I turned back to the ocean, feeling calm as I watched the waves pummel the shore and then recede to strike again. My eyes were heavy and I would have welcomed sleep except a search party could be sent after me once Micah had returned and everybody else realised we could leave.

  A “pssst!” came from behind me.

  I knew exactly who it was, but yelled “Snake!” Anything to get him to laugh, and I was duly rewarded.

  I peered over the edge of the dune and Dec was lying down on the other side, hidden by the scrub. I wondered how much he had seen and heard.

  “Eavesdropping?” I asked.

  “Come here.”

  “No, you come here.”

  “You’re uphill, I’m downhill.”

  I couldn’t argue with that logic. He was sprawled out on the sand, and I lay beside him. It was cooler on this side of the dune, so I curled into him. Fuck, he was warm.

  “Micah’s on his way back to the bus. No definite decision yet. I can’t really guess what goes on in his head.”

  “It seemed to me like you did really well.”

  “How much did you hear?”

  “Enough to know how fantastic you are.”

  Then I felt warm inside, too. “What, you didn’t already know that?”

  “I had my suspicions, but you confirmed it.”

  I shoved my cold hands under his shirt and he yelped. In retaliation he did the same and we rolled in quite an undignified manner a little further along the dune. I landed on top and grinned down at him. “This is nice.”

  He rolled us over so we lay side to side again. “This is better.”

  “Do you really think I helped him?”

  “He responded to you a lot more than anybody else lately.”

  “Yeah, but he never set a high bar for that, did he?”

  “No,” Dec admitted. “But it feels like a major leap forward. He said he liked you. To him, that’s practically slaying for a dragon for you.”

  “I don’t want any dragons slain,” I said. “Live and let live.”

  He frowned.

  “Are you anti-dragon?” I asked. “Dec, I’m surprised at you! I’ve never known you to be prejudiced. Well, except for NRL players.”

  “They think they’re such hot shit.”

  “And AFL players don’t?”

  He didn’t have a comeback for that.

  “So why the frown, Mr. Sunshine? It seems like things are starting to work out.”

  “It’s just that stuff you said back there about me.”

  “Did I get it wrong?” Had I offended him?

  “Yes and no. I don’t regret anything about my career. Maybe sometimes things didn’t go as I wanted them to, but I wouldn’t change them. Because then I wouldn’t be here, right now.”

  “What, on the Great Ocean Road?”

  Dec gave a frustrated sigh. “You know what I mean.”

  “I hate to break it to you, Dec, but it’s not that hard to get here. Three hours on the freeway. You can do it anytime.”

  He kissed me, his most effective way of shutting me up.

  “No, dummy,” he said, pulling away but still holding me. “I mean with you.”

  “With me on the Great Ocean Road? We’ve been here before.”

  “You’re being deliberately dense. Sometimes it’s cute; this is not one of those times.”

  “I’m sorry.” I gave him my best contrite expression. “And I, for one, am also glad that you’d rather choose me over what might have been a completely different—less stressful—life.”

  “I would.”

  I shivered underneath his seriousness. “It has been pretty good, hasn’t it?”

  “Of course it has. And that’s why, when this fucked-up government, or the next one, or whichever one finally gets its act together and deems us to be as acceptable to marry as straight people are, I want to marry you.”

  The enormity of what he was saying took a while to hit me, but it finally did. The air around us was silent and heavy; I think even the waves had stopped midcurl. “Was… that a proposal?”

  He grinned bashfully. “Yes, it was.”

  The world was frozen, expectant.

  He was looking at me hopefully, as if there could be any other possible answer I could give him.

  “But I wanted to propose to you!” I blurted.

  I expected him to be stunned, but he laughed. “Then do it.”

  “I wouldn’t change a thing about my life either. Even if I ended up on a road trip with Jasper Brunswick. Fucking hell.” I took a deep breath. “Declan Tyler, will you marry me? Whenever this arsehole government, or whichever future one, gets its act together?”

  “The very same day.”

  He pulled me back upon him, kissing me fervently. His hands were underneath my shirt, then travelling further south. I groaned, thinking of a million things that could, or should, stop us. Arrests for public indecency, the embarrassment of our friends coming across us in the dunes, or even worse, a busload of tourists taking happy snaps that would end up online….

  “Dec,” I breathed, “they could be looking for us.”

  “It’ll take them a while,” he said, looking straight into me. I felt naked even though I was fully clothed.

  “Sand,” I reminded him. “Sand. Everywhere.”

  “Why are you being the sensible one all of a sudden?” he asked. “We just got engaged.”

  “We did, didn’t we?”

  “And I just thought of something. You said you ‘wouldn’t change a thing’.”

  “Yeah, so did you.”

  “Then that’s our song.”

  I had never really thought of that before. “You’re right. We don’t have a song, do we?”

  “Nope.”

  “Kylie Minogue,” I mused. “We are so fucking gay.”

  “And happy, too,” he cracked.

  I laughed, kissed him, and kissed him again.

  The early morning stars, still shining through a lightening sky, were fireworks above us, singing an announcement.

  Chapter 18

  “WHERE HAVE you two been?” Fran demanded.

  She hovered over Dec as he sat on the step of the minibus, pulling off his shoes to pour out the sand. I did the same while wiping the sweat out of my eyes.

  “Oh, don’t bother,” she said to our complicit silence. “I don’t even want to know.”

  I ignored her, but whispered right into Dec’s ear, “Sand everywhere.”

  He grimaced and pulled uncomfortably at his shorts.

  Micah was asleep, or at least pretending to be, in what he had claimed as his seat. Jasper and Coby were nowhere to be seen.

  I slid into the seat before Fran and she narrowed her eyes. “Something happened.”

  “Yeah, you just made it abundantly clear.”

  “Really? I was joking!” She winced as a memory hit her. “Sand.”

  “Stop it,” I warned her.

  She shook herself of the memory. “No, getting back to before. I mean something happened. Something big.”

  I snorted before I could even come up with a reply.

  “Don’t get all Are You Being Served? with me. What went on in those dunes? Micah came back ages before you guys.”

  “Wait for the press conference.”

  “You arsehole. I’m not talking to you for the rest of the trip. Don’t you think I won’t!”

  “When?”

  “What?”

  “When are yo
u going to stop talking to me, Helen Keller?”

  “From now. Now. I mean, I already have. Stopped.” She spluttered over her words and aggressively slid open her window. “Oh, fuck off.”

  I caught Dec’s eye in the rearview mirror as he got in the driver’s seat. I couldn’t hide the inane grin on my face.

  He had one, too.

  “I’ll figure it out,” Fran hissed.

  “You’re still talking to me.”

  She fell back against her seat, fuming.

  Micah groaned, his eyes still closed. “Is somebody else fighting now?”

  “No,” Dec said.

  “Where the fuck are Coby and Jasper?” I asked.

  “Maybe you should check your dune,” Fran murmured.

  “Check Uranus,” Micah said, and laughed at his own joke.

  Dec leaned over my seat. “He is improving.”

  “His humour sure isn’t.”

  “Weren’t you making shit jokes a couple of hours ago with Coby?”

  I chose to ignore that inconvenient fact and was saved by the appearance of the missing members of our party.

  “Can we go now?” Dec was ready to start the engine.

  “Hold on,” Coby said. “Everybody, attention, please!”

  He and Jasper were all over each other, laughing like schoolkids who had just drunk some vodka cruisers.

  “We have an announcement,” Jasper added.

  “Oh, shit, this will be good,” said Fran.

  “And me without my popcorn,” I added.

  “We’re getting married!” Coby cried.

  Stunned silence. I could feel Dec looking at me, but I couldn’t meet his eyes.

  I burst out howling with laughter. Upstaged by my fucking nemesis. Again.

  “I told you,” Jasper sniffed.

  “Where’s the ring?” Fran asked.

  “Well, we don’t have any yet,” Coby said. “This was kind of a shock to both of us.”

  “Congratulations,” Dec said, far more amiable than someone who just had his own thunder stolen should be.

  “Thank you,” Coby said. “I knew I could rely on you, Declan.”

  “But you can’t get married,” Micah said. “It’s against the law. So isn’t it a bit useless to get engaged?”

  I felt a stab in my chest, and before I knew it I was standing up. “There’s no law stopping any couple from getting engaged. It’s the one thing they can’t take away from us!”