Into dark water

by Regina Bartley

  Every minute in the car I replayed what happened trying to understand, but I couldn’t. Maybe it was some revelation on her part. Maybe she had some pent up aggression that she just needed to get out.

  I didn’t know.

  All I knew was, she was angry. There was nothing that I could do or say to make it better. It upset me to hear her crying, but I wasn’t going to run back and apologize. I shouldn’t have to apologize for being myself. She knew exactly how I was before the whole tutoring thing began. So what if I didn’t speak to her parents. It wasn’t enough to make her that pissed off.

  Something else was wrong with her.

  But it was too late to worry about it now.

  What’s done is done, to hell with it all.

  To hell with her…

  Jenny

  I pretended to be sick, and stayed home from school for a couple of days after my fight with Draven. Truthfully I was just a coward, and I didn’t want to run into him. It wasn’t going to be easy to face him after the way I acted, so I milked the whole sick thing for as long as I could. Mom didn’t ask me about the fight, even though she knew it happened. She knew I wasn’t actually sick, but she didn’t ask me about that either. She just let me lay around for a couple of days and sulk.

  My time was up though. After spending last night at the mall with Lo, shopping for the perfect dress for her to wear to her cousin’s wedding, I finally realized that I couldn’t avoid it forever. Lo tried to convince me that it wasn’t that bad, but I just let her believe that.

  It was more than bad.

  For the first time in my life, I just blew up. I was a raving lunatic, and I completely lost it. It was so out of character for me, and not in my nature to act so ridiculous. I blamed all of it on the fact that Draven acted like an ass to my parents, which he did, but that wasn’t the real reason. One minute he was sort of nice, and the next minute he’d become cold as ice. And maybe I was madder at myself than at Draven, but I took out all of my pent up anger on him. All those years were spent hiding in dark corners with my nose firmly placed in a book, instead of giving myself a chance to hurt. I was protecting myself instead of allowing myself to feel anything. For the past week, I agreed to let him in, because my Mother suggested it. I let my guard down, which left me with an unsettling feeling. I couldn’t stand him, and for one brief second, I felt sad for him. I felt like maybe he might change his ways and care about something for once. Especially after the way things went down with Tyler. Guess I should’ve known better than to expect good things from a bad person. When he sat there at that dinner and ate the food that my mother prepared, and treated them like dirt, I lost it. It wasn’t about my parents. They didn’t even seem to mind. I was angry with myself for letting my guard down, and even angrier that my thoughts had been consumed by his touch. At any given moment, he was going to do the one thing I feared the most. He was going to hurt me and humiliate me, like he did with everyone else. So, I pushed everything aside, and stood up to him in private before he could belittle me in public.

  I was such a coward. I let this town, and these people define me. Always worrying about what people might say, or think, made me weak. And instead of allowing people to see it, to prey on my weaknesses, I pushed it away so that I could save face. With only weeks left until graduation, I’d soon be out of this town, and on my way to a new life.

  It’s pathetic.

  I was pathetic.

  I’d never felt guiltier than I had in that moment when he left my room. All those harsh words, they weren’t me. I didn’t cry because of him. I cried because I felt like the biggest bitch on the planet. So what he was an asshole? It was no secret.

  I only had two choices in this horrible situation. I could either let it go and make things go back to the way they were, or I could swallow my pride and apologize. I knew that the right thing to do was to tell him I was sorry, but it would backfire. I’d leave myself vulnerable to him, and to other people. It was the one place I didn’t want to go. It was the place I’d ran from.

  So what did I do?

  That was the big question, and I assumed I had my mind made up.

  ***

  When I got to school on Thursday, I thought I had it all figured out. Draven would ignore me, and make my decision so easy. I thought I’d let it all go, and pretend it never happened. But he didn’t show up at school. His car wasn’t in the parking lot, and I never saw him. He wasn’t at Maxwell’s that morning, he wasn’t in the halls that afternoon, and he wasn’t in the parking lot after school.

  Maybe the whole letting it go thing really was the best idea.

  At least that’s what I thought, until later that night.

  Lo waited until she was leaving for the airport to inform me that Draven had been out of school all week too. She said she heard people talking about him dropping out. She wasn’t sure if it was true, but gossip was known to run rampant in our town.

  Just when I’d thought that things would blow over, I realized that I was completely wrong. I had to make the situation right no matter the consequences. I couldn’t help it. I was the kind of person who couldn’t sit back even when I wanted to. I had to make this right.

  Thanks to a few calls made by my Mom, I had Draven’s address. It wasn’t too hard to figure out where he lived, once she got a few gossiping ladies on the phone. I wasn’t joking when I said everyone knew everything. It was all still so perplexing though. People knew he lived alone, and no one said anything. How was it possible that no one had turned him in? The only possible explanation I could think of was that he was so close to being eighteen that no one really cared. They all just left well enough alone. It was sad, really, how none of them seemed worried about him. He wasn’t important to them. He didn’t matter, and that didn’t sit well with me.

  The tiny piece of paper with his address written on it was taunting me, and I knew what I had to do. I slipped on a pair of black leggings, a t-shirt, and my running shoes and I was out the door. I didn’t even bother brushing my hair.

  For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what was happening inside my head. This crazy idea hit me, and I was outside of his apartment building before I even had time to think about what I was doing or what I was going to say.

  It was dark outside and there wasn’t much lighting on the old, worn apartment building.

  Who was I kidding?

  It was far worse than just worn out. The place was a real dump. There were windows covered with garbage bags. Like, those big black ones used for stuffing leaves in. Someone had spray painted a naked woman on the edge of the building by the entryway. It was rather good actually, but tacky as hell. The paint was peeling off the sides of the building, and there was mold growing up around the piping. It was unsanitary as hell.

  “I don’t think I’m in Kansas anymore,” I said to myself as my fingers gripped the handle of my car door.

  I glanced down at the paper once more and memorized his apartment number. There was no way I’d be lingering around outside for too long. The place was too sketchy and it was far too dark for my liking.

  Slipping my purse over my head so that it crossed over my body, I quickly opened the door, trying not to catch my foot on the broken threshold.

  208.

  208.

  208.

  I repeated the numbers over and over in my head as I rushed into the entryway was as fast I could. The darkness alone was scary enough. I’d seen enough horror movies to know that there was always something waiting in the darkness ready to pounce. I took the metal stairs up to the second floor and followed the numbers as they led me to his door.

  My body shivered as I stood there staring at the old rusty numbers.

  Just do it already. I told myself.

  It had to be better inside his place then it was standing on the outside. Right?

  I knocked on his door quickly, and hoped no one else thought I was knocking on his or her door. That was the last thing I needed. The echo of my knock rang through the corr
idors. Something inside me stirred leaving a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  When I heard a shuffling sound inside, I started having second thoughts.

  But it was far too late for that.

  The door opened slowly, and I stood there face to face with Draven. He was wearing nothing but a loose fitting pair of shorts that hung low off his waist, and he looked like death. I wasn’t exaggerating. His face was pale. There was sweat rolling off his forehead, and nasty black circles under his eyes. Something was wrong.

  His eyes locked with mine, and he finally spoke. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

  Great idea Jenny...

  Draven

  “I came here to talk to you,” Jenny said as she stood there outside my apartment. She was close to the door, almost throwing herself inside, like she was frightened. Her eyes were wide as she stared all around me, never meeting my gaze.

  Of all the people that I would expect to be knocking on my door at eight o’clock at night, she wasn’t one of them. I wasn’t expecting her and I certainly didn’t want to see her.

  “I don’t feel like talking.” My voice was blunt. Those few simple words were hard get out. My head was aching so bad that I didn’t even want to be standing there. I just wanted to get back on my couch and under my blankets.

  As I started to shut the door she reached out her hand. “Please,” she pleaded. “You don’t look so good. Let me come in.”

  “Do whatever you want,” I replied as I turned to walk back to the couch. It was more like dragging myself to the couch, since it hurt so badly to move. I didn’t even have the strength to fight her. I walked away leaving her standing there by the door with it still open. She could either follow me in or leave. I couldn’t care less.

  My muscles ached as I lowered myself back onto the couch, stomach first. I rested my head on my pillow facing outward toward the T.V. It was the only position I could find that was even close to being comfortable, and it was far from it.

  Jenny’s footsteps sounded loud in my quiet apartment, so I knew she was still there. I just didn’t have the energy to acknowledge it. It was the first time I’d been sick in years, and I felt like I was dying. My stomach was turning, my muscles ached, and I was sweating so much that my clothes were soaked through.

  “Draven,” Jenny spoke softly.

  All I could do was groan. Every ounce of my energy was gone.

  I felt her hand touch my forehead. “You’re burning up, Draven. We need to get you to the hospital.” Her voice was filled with panic.

  “No,” I opened my eyes and found her inches from my face. She was kneeling down on the floor in front of me. There was a terrified look on her face.

  “You need to see a doctor,” she told me, as she ran her fingers softly through my hair. It was comforting seeing her face. I didn’t know why, but I wasn’t fighting it.

  “I can’t.”

  “I’ll take you,” she responded.

  “I don’t have insurance, or money. I’m seventeen with no parent. I can’t just go to the hospital.” I was a minor. There was no way they would treat me since it wasn’t life threatening. At least, I didn’t think so.

  “Let me get you a wet rag,” she said, and I missed her soft touch as soon as her fingers moved away from my skin. I could hear her rummaging through things, and wondered if I even had a clean rag. It’d been weeks since I done laundry. When she kneeled down in front of me again, she spoke softly. “I couldn’t find one. Can you at least let me take you back to my place? My mom will know what to do, and we can get some medicine in you for the fever.”

  I closed my eyes tightly. I didn’t want to move. The pain was awful, and the thought of moving made me feel sick.

  “Please.” She rubbed her hand through my hair again. “I won’t leave your side, I promise.”

  After releasing a deep breath, I agreed. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t take help like this. But it was different this time. I wanted her beside me. Must’ve been the illness making me think such strange thoughts.

  “Do you need me to get anything? A shirt or your shoes?”

  All I could do was stare up at her.

  “Okay.” She nodded like she understood my thoughts. “I’ll help you, and I’ll call my mom on the way.”

  She wrapped her arms around me and helped me maneuver myself off the couch. There was a slight stumble, but we didn’t fall. She stayed right by my side the entire time. I’m not ashamed to admit that I held her like my life depended on it as we made our way out of the apartment.

  “Should I lock the door?” Jenny asked.

  “Yeah,” I told her as she leaned me against the wall in the hallway. She moved quickly and was back in a flash. “Stairs,” I moaned.

  “We got this. It’s a lot easier going down,” she said, gripping my side. “Your body is so hot.”

  “Thanks,” I smirked, and it hurt like hell.

  I knew she was rolling her eyes, and I didn’t even have to see her face. “Okay, Charmer, let’s move.”

  It felt like it took us forever to get to the bottom, and I never wanted to go back up again. I was barely able to stand up once our feet hit the pavement. Sweat was running down my forehead, and I was shivering so hard that my teeth were chattering.

  “Almost there,” she told me, as the lights to her car flashed when she unlocked it.

  I slid into the passenger seat and hunched over, resting my head on the dash of her car. All I could do was close my eyes, and hope that we made it to her house fast. She hadn’t even started the car and I already felt sick.

  “We will be there soon.” Her voice faded. My body was shaking. My bones felt like they would rattle right out of my body. Oh, and did I mention her car smelled like cherries. I silently hoped she drove as fast as she could, otherwise I was going to hurl in her nice clean car.

  As she was driving I felt her tiny hand touch my back. She was whispering softly that everything would be okay, as her hand rubbed circles on the small of my back. There wasn’t a time that I could ever remember someone taking care of me. When someone cared enough to make sure that I was okay. It felt like a craving. Like something I never knew I needed until I had it. I wanted her to never stop touching me like that.

  Not ever.

  She called her mom from the car and the voices came through the speakers like the radio. Weird, but cool.

  “Mom.”

  “Yeah,” her mother replied.

  “I’ve got Draven in the car and I’m heading home. He’s really sick.”

  “Oh gosh.”

  “I wasn’t sure what to do, and I’ll explain when I get there. We are about to pull in.”

  “Okay, honey.”

  The call ended and Jenny’s car rolled to a stop. A little groan escaped me, as my stomach turned over. I quickly opened the door and threw my head over the side so I could be sick. There was no more holding it in. There wasn’t much in my stomach, but everything that was, came up.

  Somehow in the process, Jenny had managed to make her way around the car and to my side. She yelled something towards her mother I think, but I was too busy heaving my guts up to hear what she was saying. My head was pounding, and I was inches away from death.

  Not really, but it sure felt like it.

  If ever there were a time when I felt vulnerable, this was it. I was vomiting on Jenny’s driveway and she was standing just feet away.

  A cold rag touched my face, and I leaned into it rubbing my cheek against the soft material. The cold felt good, but it made me shiver again. When I felt the rag starting to move, I put my hand on top of the hand holding it. I glanced up and through the light of the car I saw Jenny standing there next to me. I was pleading with her, though I didn’t say a word.

  “Let me help you inside. Can you stand?” She asked.

  I nodded. Mrs. Pearson grabbed my other side and the three of us made our way into the house. They led me to the living room and laid me down on the couch. I didn’t have the
strength to say a word to either of them. I let them do whatever, since I didn’t have the power to do anything myself.

  Jenny explained what was going on to her mom, as I lay there with my eyes shut. I didn’t want to move another muscle for a very long time. All I wanted to do was sleep.

  I tried to speak, but it was more of a mumble.

  “What is it?” Jenny asked me and I felt her hand touch my head.

  “Don’t leave me,” I told her, my eyes still closed. It scared me to think that she wouldn’t be there. I needed her.

  “I won’t.”

  Jenny

  He was helpless, completely and utterly helpless.

  Seeing him lying there in such a horrible state broke my heart. It literally tore it to shreds. I could barely fathom the thought of him lying in that awful apartment with no one there to care for him.

  I sat there on the floor in front of him with my fingertips in his hair, and my palm cradling the back of his head. When I looked up at my mom, she gave me an understanding look.

  I liked that she didn’t look at him with pity. He wasn’t some rough kid from the wrong side of the tracks to her. He was just a person. I felt bad that it’d taken me this long to see that.

  “I’m going to get the thermometer, and see what kind of medicine we have in the cabinet. I’ll be right back,” she told me.

  Draven’s breathing was weighted. His lips were parched. There was absolutely no movement coming from him, other than the way his chest lifted as he breathed. Those slow pumps filled me with worry. I felt utterly helpless. Not to mention guilty. I should’ve kept on driving, never stopping at my house. I should’ve taken him straight to the hospital against his wishes.

  Bringing him to my house was the next best thing I could think of. It was the one place where I knew he’d be cared for. My mom was the best caregiver I knew. She would treat him like he was one of her own. It was just her nature.