Mission: Soldier to Daddy

by Soraya Lane

  “Bull!” She stood with a thump, glaring at him as she swore. “Don’t lie to me, Luke. You had a little boy here who cried for his daddy night after night, and you couldn’t make the effort to call more? He’s had to grow up without even remembering or knowing who you were.”

  Luke stayed seated. He was not going to argue with her. Not on his first night home. Not like they used to. But at one point, when he had been at his lowest, that’s what he’d wanted: for Charlie to forget him so he never knew the pain of loss.

  “Keep your voice down, Ollie. You’ll wake Charlie,” he said.

  “How dare you!” she growled. “I’ve kept my voice down every night, doing nothing but look after our son. He’s been my life, Luke. While you’ve been off fighting for our country, I’ve been fighting for our son. For me. For our family.” She paused and glared at him, her voice dropping an octave. “While you decided not to give a damn.”

  Her eyes were full of tears. Luke looked away. He couldn’t watch her. Couldn’t bear to see the sadness, the emptiness in her eyes. Worst of all, he knew she was right.

  “I know it’s been hard for you....”

  The silence that stretched between them seemed to drain the air of oxygen. But it wasn’t just his fault, was it? Ollie hadn’t exactly acted as if she’d wanted him to stay, and he’d never forgotten it.

  “You have no idea how hard it’s been, Luke. Don’t even try to understand. I was here alone, with a little boy who deserved a father.” Her voice cracked. “It wasn’t that you left me, it was that you left our son.”

  Luke stood and walked into the kitchen. He couldn’t hide behind the excuse of being a soldier any longer, and Ollie was right. His son didn’t deserve to grow up without a dad, and he knew firsthand why. Because it was how he’d grown up, and he’d come home to make sure history didn’t repeat itself, that his son knew him.

  “Olivia, I’m sorry. I am.”

  “You forget that I’ve been around army wives for the last two years.” Olivia was standing behind him in the kitchen now, her voice still laced with tears. “They had calls at least every month, once a week even, and their husbands took leave and came home, even if it was only a few days. With your rank... Oh, I don’t even know anymore, Luke. But I do know that you could have done more.”

  He looked back at his wife, ashamed. Walking out had been the easy option for him when things had become difficult, and he’d taken it. When their son had refused to sleep, when his wife had never believed he would have married her unless she was pregnant, knowing that he could die on deployment and leave his boy without a dad, just as he’d experienced...

  “It was too hard to talk to you, Ollie. Charlie, too. It was easier not to.” It was a struggle to push the words out, to make himself be honest with her. “You have no idea how many times I picked up a phone, how many times I wanted to talk to you and couldn’t go through with it.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe you should have.”

  By the time he looked back up, she was gone.

  Luke dropped his head into his hands, eyes shut. Maybe if they hadn’t gotten pregnant so soon, if they hadn’t rushed into marriage, things would have been different. Maybe they never would have married at all. But all that mattered right now was making it up to his son, and proving to him that he was here for him, that he was committed to being his dad.

  Because this time he had no intention of walking away.

  CHAPTER TWO

  CHARLIE’S HEAD APPEARED next to the bed and Luke squinted at the bedside clock. It was 2:00 a.m.

  “Hey, buddy.” He reached out a hand and touched Charlie’s head. Luke didn’t know what else to do. He’d never really been around kids, not even his own.

  His son blinked at him, big brown eyes peering down at him as the little boy leaned closer.

  “Can I get into bed with you?” Charlie whispered.

  “Uh, yeah, I guess.”

  Luke pulled the covers back. He hated that he didn’t know what to do. Should he send him back to his own bed? Cuddle him? What?

  Now Charlie was snuggling hard against him, and Luke knew there was no going back. He put his arm out, feeling awkward. Not sure what to say, to his own son.

  “Daddy?”

  Luke swallowed. Daddy. It was a name he’d dreamed of being called for two long years, but now he didn’t know how to even be a dad. When he’d left, Charlie had been so young, and now Luke could see how much he’d missed out on. “Yes, Charlie?”

  “I love you.”

  “Well, uh, I love you, too.” Luke choked. He tried to swallow again. Thank God it was dark and his son couldn’t see him.

  “You won’t go away again, will you, Daddy?”

  “No, bud.” He held his son close, fighting back tears. Truth was, he didn’t know when he’d be going away again, but he wasn’t going to let his son know that. It was what he did—the army called and he had to jump to attention. He’d tried to think otherwise sometimes, that maybe he could change vocation, but being a soldier was what he did, and he did it damn well. He had a few months without having to leave, and then he didn’t know what he was going to do. Or how he was going to leave things here.

  “I like having a dad.”

  Great. Talk about pulling on his heartstrings. Luke pushed away the feelings he’d tried so long to keep hidden—the guilt of leaving his son and repeating the cycle. Of letting his own child go through what he’d been through, what he’d struggled with his whole life: growing up without a dad and wishing like hell his life could have been different. But then, deep down, he’d rather Charlie not even know his dad than lose him and remember what he’d lost for the rest of his life. Like he had.

  He’d gone all these years in the army without crying, and now he was on the verge of turning into a blubbering baby.

  “Will you ever sleep in Mom’s bed?”

  That made him smile. “Let’s hope so, kiddo.”

  He knew it was a lie, a fib at a stretch. Ollie was never going to let him back in her bed, and although it was tempting to think about being under the sheets with her, that wasn’t why he was here. He’d come home for his son, to get to know the boy, not with any illusions that Ollie would take him back. Things had been strained between them, and he’d helped their marriage go from bad to worse.

  “Do you have a night-light?”

  Had someone taught his son interrogation techniques? “Let’s get some sleep, huh?”

  Luke snuggled him even closer, tucking his son’s little body into his.

  Maybe he could do this whole dad routine. He only wished he could have gotten a handle on the husband part, too.

  * * *

  Ollie pressed against the door and tried to ignore the tears leaving a wet trail down her cheeks. She should have walked away as soon as she’d heard Charlie talking to his dad, but instead she’d stood and listened.

  She’d risen, so in tune with her son and used to him getting up in the night. Part of her loved that he’d gone in to see his dad, but part of her hated it, too—that for the first time he’d gone to someone else instead of climbing into bed with her. They’d had over two years together, she and Charlie, just the two of them, and changing that was hard.

  Ollie walked silently back down to her room and crawled into bed. But those words kept playing over and over in her mind. Will you ever sleep in Mommy’s bed? The man who’d driven her crazy, made her fall so in love with him after such a short time together, and now they were like strangers. Would he have ever come back if it wasn’t for Charlie? Would she have deserved it? Because no matter what she said or felt, part of the blame in their marriage breaking down was her doing. And it was time she admitted it.

  Ollie squeezed her eyes shut and tried to find sleep, but she had a feeling that slumber wasn’t going to be quite that simple. Kind of
like her marriage.

  * * *

  The noise in the living room woke Ollie before she was ready to open her eyes. What was going on out there?

  She rose, checked the drawstring on her pajama bottoms and pulled her tank top into line.

  “Mommy!”

  Charlie charged her, just about taking her pants down with her as he tugged her along. The remnants of a train track were sprawled in every direction. Railcars and engines added to the carnage.

  “Morning.”

  She looked up from the train wreck and into the kitchen. Luke stood there bare-chested, in just his boxer shorts. She took in a deep breath and self-consciously ran a hand through her bed hair. Damn. Taut, tanned torso, a sprinkling of hair on his chest that arrowed down into his shorts... She’d forgotten how good he looked without his clothes on.

  Ollie ran her focus up his body again and met twinkling eyes. She quickly diverted her gaze.

  “Breakfast?” He gestured with his head and she took a step forward to peer into the kitchen.

  “He’s making pancakes, Mom. Pancakes!”

  Charlie scooted up to Luke and hung off him as if they were glued together, not shy of his dad at all.

  “Your favorite, huh?”

  He grinned. “How many you going to have, Mom?”

  She gave her son a smile before meeting Luke’s gaze. Ollie knew how dreadful she probably looked, all mussed from bed. When they’d first met she’d worn sexy teddies, not gingham pj’s.

  “I’m just going to jump in the shower. Save me a couple, okay, Charlie?’

  She directed her words to him to avoid conversation with Luke, but doubted her son had even heard her. He was yabbering away to his dad a hundred miles a minute, and Luke was flipping pancakes to exuberant yelps of excitement.

  Ollie left the room and flopped down onto her bed, exhausted already. She’d hardly slept a wink and now her stranger husband was making breakfast for their son, and she had no idea what to do. What her role even was right now.

  She knew the reality was that the man she’d married had been a soldier, and going away had been part of the deal, but he’d swept her off her feet and made her forget all that. Until she’d gotten pregnant and he’d proposed, and everything had slowly started to unravel. Because she’d never truly believed that he would have married her otherwise, and because the night before she’d found out she actually was pregnant, Luke had told her that he never, ever wanted to be a dad.

  Luke’s dedication to the army had seemed so exciting when she’d first met him. But doubt had gnawed at her for so many months, and then with a difficult baby and no one to help her through the tough times, she’d snapped. More than once. And eventually, Luke had walked out the door and never come back.

  * * *

  “What do you say we head to the park?”

  She watched Luke smile at Charlie as he leaped up, jumping around, no doubt hyper from all the sugar in their breakfast.

  “I’m not sure,” said Ollie. “I’ve got to get to work.”

  She sighed. Her husband and son looked up at her like sad puppies.

  “What do you usually do with Charlie?” Luke asked.

  Ollie scooped up their coffee mugs and sticky maple-syrup-covered plates and took them into the kitchen. “He comes to work with me. Ricardo’s pretty relaxed about Charlie tagging along.”

  “Ricardo?” Luke’s attention was suddenly focused directly on her, eyes as sharp as a hawk’s.

  “My boss. Ricardo Bolton.” She paused and leaned back on the counter. “He’s an attorney. I clean his place, have dinner in the fridge for him, all the general housekeeping type stuff so he can focus on work, and he doesn’t mind if Charlie tags along with me.”

  “Right.”

  It seemed so weird, having this type of conversation with her husband. Ricardo had become a close friend, but the way Luke was looking at her made her wonder if he thought their relationship was something else.

  “And does this Ricardo man know you’re still married?”

  Ollie laughed. She hardly remembered she was married sometimes, given her lack of husband.

  “He likes Mom,” chirped Charlie, dragging his dad by the hand to reinspect his train set.

  Luke picked the boy up, but his attention was still focused on her.

  “It’s nothing like that,” she said, but her cheeks heated, giving her away. She’d always been a terrible liar. Her son had meant nothing by it, couldn’t have meant anything by it, but the implication was obvious. And for some stupid reason she felt guilty about it.

  “What about your drawing? You were still doing some illustrating before I left.”

  “Ricardo’s a great employer and we needed the extra money. No time to waste on dreams anymore,” she told him.

  Ollie smiled at Luke before turning to the dishes. She felt no attraction whatsoever to Ricardo, but he was always making it clear that he’d like her to be more than just the housekeeper. Something she had no intention of ever agreeing to, but at least he made her feel wanted.

  “Maybe I’ll take Charlie to the park while you go to work,” Luke suggested.

  She nodded, but Luke had already turned away, his attention back on the toy box that Charlie was enthusiastically tipping upside down, to better show his dad what was inside.

  Part of her, just a tiny part, wished that her husband had walked in their door and made the same sort of fuss over her as he was over his son. That they could start over, have fun again. But in her heart, she knew it was over. For good.

  CHAPTER THREE

  LUKE LOOKED ACROSS the dinner table, trying to figure out how to say what had to be said. He’d already been here a day, and the longer he took to talk to his wife, the harder it was going to get. Charlie was in bed, so it was now or never. He might not have come home with the intention of righting his marriage, but now that he was here it was all he could think about.

  “Ollie, I need to get a few things off my chest.”

  She placed her knife and fork neatly on the plate before looking up, her gaze fixed on him.

  “What you said yesterday was right. I should have called more, made more of an effort. All I can say is that I’m sorry.” He paused. “I’m just not good at this sort of thing.”

  The silence between them was painful.

  “What makes you think I am?” Ollie asked, looking down then back up at him. “It wasn’t like I was great at talking or listening before you left.”

  Luke didn’t know what to say. He watched her, his wife, and wondered how things had gotten to this point. How he’d let her slip away. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and instead of admitting that he’d run like a scared rabbit, because it had been easier than dealing with whatever had been going on with them. “Is there any way we can make this work, for Charlie’s sake?”

  Ollie just stared at him, her mouth pursed, eyebrows forming an angry frown. He’d expected to take her by surprise, but he hadn’t expected that look.

  Besides, he’d said the wrong thing. It wasn’t just for Charlie’s sake, it was because he still loved her, and instead of telling her that he’d managed to insult her.

  Luke wanted to hold her, talk to her, listen to what she had to say, as he used to do. But it was as if there was nothing left between them, and asking for a second chance wasn’t something he knew how to do.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “Sorry’s not good enough, Luke.”

  * * *

  Ollie wanted to hit him, curse at him, yell—but she couldn’t. Fight, that’s what she wanted. To fight him, argue, get it all out, but she didn’t want to go down that path again, because if she thought of the months before Luke had gone, the weeks right before he’d left, that’s all she could remember. Picking
fights, wanting to punish him somehow for telling her he didn’t want to be a dad, instead of making him open up to her and explain why.

  Their marriage was over; she knew that. But it was time they discussed their problems like the adults they were, instead of the young kids they’d been when they’d married.

  “Charlie needs both his parents, Luke, but us being together isn’t a reality.”

  Luke watched her, giving nothing away. Then he sighed. “I know.”

  Give him a star for trying, but even he knew there was no hope. She knew if he was serious about them he would have acted on it sooner. Would have made more of an effort and not let it get to this point. Wouldn’t have walked away in the first place, or would have at least come back before now.

  “You walked out on our marriage, Luke. I know I was partly to blame, but I would never, ever have walked away from you.”

  He nodded, palms flat on the table, his foot tapping insistently on the floor as if he wanted to get up and walk away right now.

  “Luke...” She paused, not sure how to say what she needed to tell him. “Luke, I just don’t know if I could love you anymore.” There, she’d said it. Said the words that had been choking her for weeks, months, years even. A weight lifted like a veil that had been suffocating her. Because what had happened between them had changed everything.

  “I understand.” His voice was deep. Full of emotion. “Of course I understand.”

  She paused again, pushing her fears back down her throat, sucking back the tears. “Then what are we doing here? Why are we pretending that it’s okay you’re back here staying with us?” Ollie stood up and paused at the window. Touched her head to the cool of the glass.

  She felt rather than heard him rise. He was standing behind her. Every hair on her body stood at attention, aware of him being so close. Too close.

  “We’re married, Ollie. We have a son. That does still mean something.”