Junkers

by Benjamin Wallace

  “Why don’t you ever call us heroes, Jake?” Mason asked.

  “It’s true,” Meagan said. “All of it. You’re all heroes. Just think of all the lives you potentially saved by destroying that menace last night. You’re doing great work for humanity.”

  “You hear that?” Glitch puffed out his chest. Something beeped. “Heroes of humanity.”

  Jake grunted. “I’m pretty sure we saved more crows than people.”

  “Heroes of crowmanity,” Glitch said.

  Mason rolled his eyes at the cyborg. “You’re an idiot.”

  “Idiot of crowmanity,” Glitch corrected.

  Meagan laughed a rehearsed giggle. There was a hint of autotune in the laugh. “So cavalier. I love it. Even as soldiers in the great conflict you remain truly grounded.”

  “What great conflict?” Glitch asked before Jake could tell him not to.

  Meagan smiled. “Make no mistake. You are fighting in a great war with nothing less at stake than human dominance over machines. Every robot you destroy, every evil contraption you put down is another blow for humankind.”

  Now Kat rolled her eyes. They landed on Jake with a look that said there were better things she could be doing.

  “Wow. Humankind.” Glitch gasped. “I had no idea.”

  Meagan continued to heap praise on Glitch while Jake grabbed Uncle Aaron by the shoulder and pulled him aside.

  “Why is your girlfriend here?”

  “She wanted to meet you. She loves the work you’re doing.”

  “She’s one of those anti-robot crazies.”

  “She’s not a nut, Jake. She’s a nice woman. Besides, you’re anti-robot.”

  “I am not.”

  “You destroy them for a living.”

  “We handle malfunctioning equipment, plain and simple. We’re hardly taking a moral stand when dealing with a broken dishwasher. Putting down a lawnmower that’s invaded the neighbor’s yard one too many times is hardly putting an ethical stake in the ground.”

  “You’re right, okay. I don’t care either. But what’s the harm in letting her get excited? It doesn’t hurt you any. And it goes a long way for me.” Uncle Aaron planted an elbow in Jake’s ribs.

  Jake pulled away. “Fine. Let her say her piece and get her out of here. We’re busy.”

  Aaron laughed. “That’s a lie.”

  “She’s distracting my team,” Jake said.

  “Fine, we won’t take up any more of your precious time.” Aaron practically cooed while looking at the woman. “Oh, I forgot. She wants to give you an award.”

  “An award? From her society? They’re practically terrorists!”

  Aaron put a finger in Jake’s chest. “No, they’re not, Jake. Terrorists are scary.” He stepped aside and pointed to Meagan and turned back to Jake. “Look at that ass. There’s nothing scary about it. It’s all daydreams and happy thoughts. It makes me smile just thinking about it.”

  “Thinking about what, Aaron?” Meagan asked.

  Aaron turned surprised to see Meagan had joined them. “Oh… the award.”

  “Aaron, I told you not to say anything.”

  “I couldn’t help it, baby doll. I’m just so excited.”

  “Baby doll?” Jake felt a little sick.

  Meagan pouted, but it was cute. Another practiced expression. She hit Aaron on the shoulder and smiled. “I didn’t want him to ruin the surprise. My organization would like to present you an award for all of the wonderful work you’re doing.”

  “That’s really not necessary,” Jake forced a smile. “We were just doing our jobs. There’s no reason to make a fuss.”

  “Don’t be silly. It’s no fuss at all. It’s just a small ceremony.”

  “A ceremony?” Jake looked at his uncle, who pleaded with his eyes not to screw this up for him.

  “Of course, silly.” Meagan smiled bigger and shook her head. “Heroes deserve an audience.”

  Jake put up his hands. “Absolutely not.”

  Meagan didn’t even flinch. Her smile stayed in place. And somehow she said Aaron’s name without even moving her lips.

  Uncle Aaron dutifully sprang into action. “C’mon, Jake. It’s the perfect thing to counter the bad press.”

  “What bad press?”

  “Oh. You didn’t know?” Aaron pulled his phone from his pocket and set it to project. The splintered lines filled the air and for the second time in less than twelve hours Jake was watching Glitch get depantsed by a farm combine.

  “That son of a… Colton did this!”

  Uncle Aaron read the username from the post. “It’s someone called YourMom24482. Wow, he must have had that for a while to get such a low number.”

  “That sounds like him.”

  “Well, it’s gone viral in the stream and they’re laughing at you, Jake. They’re laughing at our company.”

  “No, they’re laughing at Glitch and his light-up junk.”

  Meagan put a hand on Jake’s shoulder. “I heard all about what happened at the farm and I know that ZUMR is behind this. Those greedy bastards won’t be happy until they drive every hard-working man and woman out of work. The ceremony would be a great way to paint you and your team as the underdog fighting the good fight against corporate greed. And, everyone loves an underdog.”

  “No, thank you,” Jake said.

  Aaron pointed to the video loop of Glitch’s glowing junk. “Look at that, Jake. Our name’s all over the place with this crap. Who’s going to call us now?”

  Jake shrugged. “No one was calling us before. We’ll just wait and see what happens.”

  The phone in the office was wired to a bell in the shop. It rang and Aaron jumped. “How do you keep doing that?”

  “Excuse me. I need to get that.” Jake went up the stairs into the office and picked up the phone. “Ashley’s Robot Reclamation and…” He sighed. They really needed a shorter name. “Junkers. Can I help you?”

  “I always said you needed a shorter name,” she said with a giggle.

  “What do you want, Hailey?” Why was she calling him? Did this mean something? God, her voice sounded good. He had to remind himself that he was still pissed at her. “Calling to gloat?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Right.”

  She giggled. “I don’t know what you’re so upset about. Glitch is a legend now.”

  “Do you think this is funny?”

  “It is, and you know it is. But that wasn’t me.”

  “No, it was that prick Colton.”

  “And he’s been reprimanded. ZUMR does not condone that kind of thing.”

  “Yeah I’m sure your boss is just tore up about the whole thing. What do you want, Hailey?”

  “I want you to come to ZUMR. We have a job for you.”

  “Wow. Maybe they really do feel bad. Thanks, but no thanks. You know I won’t go corporate.”

  “That’s not the kind of job I’m talking about.” Hailey’s voice hardened. “It’s about last night.”

  Jake looked at the broken clock in the wastebasket. It wasn’t running but he could still hear the seconds ticking by as a thousand thoughts ran through his mind about the night before. The least of which had anything to do with robots.

  “Will you come?” she asked.

  Jake sighed and asked. “Will Colton be there?”

  “You know he probably will.”

  “Fine. If I don’t like what you have to say, I’m going to punch him.”

  “You could punch him anyway.”

  “Deal.”

  “Tell Glitch I said hi,” she giggled again.

  “You have no shame.”

  6

  The ZUMR lobby was half waiting area, half museum. Glass cases, bronze plaques and full-blown prototypes showcased the history of the iconic company from freemium software startup to robotics empire.

  A giant monitor formed a centerpiece in the mezzanine and played a continuous loop highlighting their early succes
sful games: Bash of the Battalions, Sugar Saga Sort ‘Em, Pissed Off Parrots and the most addictive solitaire game known to man, called Just One More Game.

  Compulsive gameplay and a strategy of targeting OCD treatment centers made them a microtransaction juggernaut that had quickly expanded into home and industrial robotics.

  Their first robot was suspended in the air with a fancy arrangement of magnetic fields that kept the vacuum cleaner spinning in slow rotation. The ZUMR Sucka was the company’s first automaton, and though it did very little, it sold an awful lot.

  The ALI55 model domestic servant was the first in a long line of successful maid bots and was the true birth of modern robotics in people’s homes. Designed to be sweet and compliant, the maid’s only major flaw was its inability to fold fitted sheets. Asking it to do so would result in a complete system overload that required a full reboot. The ALI55 was now in its seventh generation and the flaw had been fixed. It still couldn’t fold a fitted sheet, but inside of shutting down, the request was now met with a physics lecture on how it was an impossible task that could only be performed by wizards.

  The GlassTastic line of dishwashers was a landmark for the ZUMR brand and automation history. Overnight, it had changed the way Americans didn’t do dishes. It not only loaded itself, it also automatically got frustrated, pre-rinsed the dishes, and rearranged the shelves at least twice before starting the machine, taking this tiresome burden off of mothers everywhere.

  It was also the first domestic robot that tried to kill someone. This fact wasn’t part of the display, but it was something every junker knew all too well.

  The GlassTastic’s first killing glitch was considered nothing more than a programming error. Patches were uploaded to fix the bug and the public went on its way not washing dishes. When it happened several more times despite additional patches and firmware updates, ZUMR finally admitted that any machine given the complexity to perform human labor on any intuitive basis would bear the potential to go “renegade” and attempt to murder its operator.

  Once this was discovered, and a national discussion was held, the public gave a collective shrug and agreed that, while the fact that a machine could go renegade of its programing and try to murder someone was concerning, it was unlikely that it would be anyone they knew, and taking the chance was still better than washing their own dishes.

  With the public accepting this risk, the robotics companies, ZUMR included, agreed to expand their warranties to cover murderous tendencies, threatening behavior and creepy leering. Of course, when the warranties expired the owners were on their own.

  As impressive and familiar as the home automaton models were, ZUMR’s real genius was seen in its industrial line. Over the years, they had automated and robotized every major industry in the world.

  Transportation, agriculture, manufacturing, aquatic amusement parks, government services, forestry, construction, animal husbandry and more had seen their efficiency rise and their workforces shrink. All thanks to ZUMR and their competitors.

  Jake had been here before, and paid little attention to the displays as he made his way across the lobby to the reception desk. “I’m Jake Ashley to see Hailey Graves.”

  “Who are you with, sir?”

  “Ashley’s Robot Reclamation of Green Hill.”

  “All right, I’ll…” the receptionist smiled. “Wait, you’re the guys from the feed?” The receptionist touched a control pad on his desk and the ZUMR promotional loop stopped in the middle of a game of Pissed Off Parrots and began to play the video from the farm. “You work with this guy?”

  Jake placed his head on the counter and groaned. “Just tell her I’m here.”

  The man behind the desk chuckled again as the lobby filled with laughter at the video. Then the whispers began as the rumor quickly spread that the man standing with his head on the desk was a part of it all.

  For the first time since he’d known her, Hailey came quickly. She rushed across the lobby and swiped her palm over the reader to sign Jake into the building. She noticed the video playing on the lobby monitor and instructed the receptionist to turn it off.

  “I’m sorry, Jake.”

  “What’s this about, Hailey? Did you find something?”

  She looked around the lobby and simply said. “Not here. Come with me.”

  They walked to an elevator bay and past several armed security guards. The car was waiting for them and they were alone once they stepped inside. She commanded it to the top floor and stepped to the back of the car.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s happening?”

  “Jack wants to tell you.”

  “Jack? Jack who?” Then it dawned on him. “Jackson Fox, billionaire and founder of ZUMR and billionaire?”

  “That’s the guy. But he goes by Jack.”

  They rode in silence for a bit. She had really rushed to meet him. That mattered. He began to wonder what it meant when she thankfully broke the silence.

  “How’s Glitch?”

  “He’s weird. Always has been.”

  “I meant with the sudden fame.”

  “I’m not sure he’s even processed it yet. But he’ll be fine. If you don’t want people to see your junk, you shouldn’t make it glow in the dark. My dad used to say that.”

  Hailey smiled at this as the doors opened and they stepped into the CEO’s reception area. An android behind the desk stopped playing solitaire long enough to acknowledge the couple. “Hello, Ms. Graves.”

  “Hello MAR-E. We’re here to see Jack.”

  “Mr. Fox said to send you right in.” She touched a switch on her desk and the doors opened to Jackson Fox’s ridiculously oversized and opulent office.

  “Thank you, MAR-E.”

  The machine nodded and went back to her solitaire game as they entered the room.

  The man himself was seated at the head of a large table occupied by several bots with glowing faces that represented members of ZUMR’s board. Jake even recognized a few from the news.

  As soon as he saw Hailey, Fox stood and waved off the board. Their faces went blank as the signals were broken, and the robots slumped in their chairs to signify they were offline.

  Jackson Fox walked across the room to meet the two new arrivals. He had been at the CEO game for a long time. He looked to be about forty.

  He reached the couple and shook Jake’s hand. “Jack Fox. It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Ashley.”

  Jake nodded and was about to speak when Jack turned his attention to Hailey and kissed her on the cheek. It was obviously not a European thing.

  Jake pointed between the two. “No kiss for me?”

  Fox backed away and gave an uneasy smile. “My apologies, Mr. Ashley. Hailey told me about your history together and I should have been more considerate. I didn’t think how it might affect you and that’s probably because I’m rich and generally don’t care what people think.”

  Jake shrugged. “Well at least you’re an honest asshole.”

  The CEO smiled. He stepped over to his desk and picked up a coffee mug that read “World’s Best CEO.” “But I do care what you think about our problem, Jake. And ZUMR needs your help. I need your help.” He held up the mug and tapped it.

  A drone buzzed in through the open doors and filled the mug with freshly brewed coffee.

  Fox put a hand on Jake’s shoulder and directed him farther into the office. “We’ve got a big season ahead of us and I don’t want anything messing it up. It could be our biggest year ever. Just look at this. It’s our latest invention.” The CEO pointed at a chair.

  “It’s a chair.”

  “You bet your ass it’s a chair.”

  “I’ve seen chairs before, Jack.”

  “Not like this you haven’t. It’s going to completely revolutionize sitting. Try it.” He shoved Jake down into the chair.

  It was the most comfortable he had ever been in his life. “My, that is a fine sit.”

  “It’s robotic.”

  “Duh.”
<
br />   Jack laughed.

  “I’ll admit, it is the best my ass has ever felt.”

  “Good. We designed it that way. The robotics are constantly measuring your posture, temperature, and posterior and processing the information. It constantly adjusts to make your ass as comfortable as possible. The casters are also intuitive electric drive motors so moving around is easier than traditional rolling.”

  “Wait. So, it’s measuring my ass?”

  “It’s all about data, Jake. Data makes everything better. And not only does it make you more comfortable and relaxed, it tells me a lot about who I’m talking to. Right now I can tell your heartbeat is a little elevated, you’re perspiring‑so little you may not even know it‑and you’re a little…”

  “Tense?”

  “Puckered,” Jack said. “It’s okay to relax.”

  “I’m puckered because you just told me this machine is measuring my ass.” Jake stood.

  The chair sounded sad.

  “Hailey said something about a job?”

  “Yes.” Jack stepped behind his desk and his fingers danced across the surface. The lights in the room dimmed and a hologram of the R34-P3R appeared close enough to Jake’s face to make him flinch.

  “Sorry about that.” Jack’s fingers danced some more before he stepped out from behind the desk. “Of course, you’re aware that one of our Reapers went renegade last night.”

  “I think I remember.”

  Jack smiled and swiped his hand. The scarecrow was replaced by an image of the combine. “And you suspect a double anomaly since one of our Crop Boys tried to kill you and did in fact depants your friend on global media.”

  Jake’s eyes narrowed. “Are you serious?”

  “I’m sorry.” Fox smiled. “I couldn’t resist.”

  “Sure.” Jake nodded with a smile. “Must be the asshole thing.”

  Jack smiled back and swiped his hand. “What you don’t know is that ZUMR has seen a dramatic upswing in our machinery going renegade.”

  The image that appeared looked like a steel barrel with legs.

  “A week ago a Cementurion 120 attacked a construction worker. Buried the poor bastard in his own foundation.”

  He swiped at the air again and a thin biped in a tux filled the air.