"So, is that a 'no'?"
"Correct."
"Not even a little for excitement?"
"Well, maybe just a little, for excitement only," Katie agreed.
Once they were home, Ciarán called over to his brother's house to let him know that they were home and tired, so they would check in on things tomorrow, but for the remainder of today, they would be resting and quiet. Then, Ciarán turned to Katie and asked her, "Are you ready for a little excitement, a stór?"
"I thought we were relaxing." She saw his eyebrow quirk and rushed to finish. "I am so ready."
Chapter Five
The weeks moved through full spring and the days gave a definite indication that summer was around the corner. Little Paddy at three months was such a joy as he began to show some small part of his personality and Katie enjoyed the new Liam O'Connor children. With the adoptions completed on the seven and the official changes complete, they all started to settle down more, including Liam and Jocelyn.
While the other family members and the ranch as a whole appeared to be settling down to normal, Katie began to feel unsettled. She experienced a sort of blue funk these days. She didn't understand why she was more tired than normal and why her mood was deadly. She wondered if this was what being depressed felt like because she sensed life was often passing in a fog.
Coming home several weeks after she knew she was out of sorts more often than not, Katie found Ciarán leaning on the side of the house laughing and talking to one of the ranch hands. For some unexplainable reason, Katie got so angry she threw her keys at him, hitting Ciarán in the shoulder immediately ending all conversation. In the silence, a dawning of what she had done was coming over Katie but she ignored the bit of good sense left that screamed she was in high tide and hot water. She ignored the internal warning and continued by saying she hoped that working had entered into his day for it undoubtedly had entered hers.
The ranch hand shook hands with Ciarán and sauntered off after tipping his hat to her with a knowing look as he passed. Again, that little warning signal went off, but again, she ignored it and stomped off into the house. Ciarán, pushed himself off of the house, dusted off his jeans, bent down to retrieve the keys and walked into the house to find his wife.
"What is wrong? You never speak to me that way, nor should you. You usually have better sense than that, Katherine."
The tone was calm but had rebar running through it and, had she been herself, this would have been the time she would have been apologizing, pleading, and ultimately begging that Ciarán not respond as was expected. However, Katie wasn't herself these days and she had no emergency brakes on the out of control railcar that was her mouth.
"Just leave me alone. I am tired and I have had enough of everyone."
Katie made for their bedroom upstairs to change out of her scrubs. Ciarán grabbed onto her upper arm and none too gently pulled her back to him. His body was warm and smelled like a man who worked outdoors; woodsy, sweaty and manly. Too late Katie realized her mistake but just could not stop her train. Her misery and irritation had taken over. She jerked her arm trying to dislodge his hold, only to have him grab her other arm with his other hand, giving her a stern look and a hard shake.
"Sweetheart, what is wrong?"
Runaway train unable to avoid the imminent crash, she growled, "Let go of me."
"I do not know what you are thinking, or what is going on with you, but I have had enough, do you understand? You tell me either what has gotten you so hot and bothered, or I will make sure your bottom is as hot as your temper. Now, which is it, Katherine?"
They stood there for a few moments with no other sounds but the labored movement of air. Slightly deflated, Katie said, "I am just mad. I don't know why or when it started, and I can't turn it around. It just has me and while I know it doesn't make sense, I am just angry. In addition, frankly, you irritate me right now. Just let me go so I can take a bath." She sounded defeated.
Ciarán took his wife by one arm and with his free hand on the small of her back to lead her to the sofa, he sat down pulling her down beside him. "I might be able to help, but I am going to need an apology I believe." He watched her shrug her shoulders even as the tears slid down her face. "Right, I am going to light into your bottom right now. I am not going to have this behavior and allow this disrespect, especially in full view of my ranch hand. Now talk. Let's figure this out." Ciarán tempered his voice to be less demanding giving her arm another little shake.
Katie sat still and quiet. She stared ahead as though there was something to see in front of her on the living room wall with great tears rolling down her cheeks.
"What is it, Katherine? Tá tú mo chroí and I am worried about you. Something is very wrong, sweetheart. Please help me understand what it is."
Katie sat and didn't answer him, tears still rolling down her face, indicating to Ciarán that there was an emotional impasse that he needed to break through. Ciarán let out a great sigh and patted his lap for his wife to lie over. Katie ignored his gesture, raising Ciarán's irritation level even though he knew he should not be. He was concerned and it took precedence over bratty attitude. He took a deep breath to calm himself again, reached over and flipped Katie onto his lap. That is when her responses began to kick in and her voice was heard. This was easier to handle than silence. This he could work with.
"I know. I am going to help you. Let me help you."
She quieted and nodded with shaky breaths. "I know."
Just as he moved towards beginning, she barked, "Ciarán, I changed my mind. Don't you dare. I don't know why I am angry and I don't know how to let go. I am just like that today. You can't beat me because you are irritated with me. I'll leave you."
Ciarán's response was to speak comforting words to her, rub her back and ask again.
"I do and I don't," she admitted. "I want you to fix this, but I don't want the fix to be this."
"Give this to me, Katherine. Just give it to me and I will handle it."
"All right, all right. Just hurry and fix it."
In response to her release, he pinned her legs between his, grab her flailing hand that was already showing signs of interference and started firm and methodical swats to her bottom.
"I love and adore you." Each word was punctuated by each swat of his hand. "And I don't beat you. However, today you do need release.You are too tied up emotionally, maybe this will help."
Ciarán continued to speak and lecture as he kept up a steady rhythm on her quickly stinging bottom. Her scrubs, while light, soon got in his way and he stopped to hook his fingers in the waistband, pulling down both pants and panties growling at her to lift up. Oddly, when Katie heard the command and the voice he issued it in, she automatically obeyed, not knowing why. Ciarán noticed and he continued the steady smacks on her pinkening bottom.
As the time progressed on his spanking, she began to ask Ciarán to stop quietly at first.
"Oh please, Ciarán, please stop. I am sorry. Lord, I am so sorry that I threw my keys at you. I will not do it again, ever. Honey, please stop, I am sorry."
No response from Ciarán, for a moment longer but his hand slowed, and then he stopped.
"Tell me what is wrong with you. What has put you in such a sour mood?"
It was quiet again for a few moments and Ciarán, interpreting that as a refusal to answer, resumed his rhythmic slapping of her bottom.
"Wait, Ciarán, I just don't know. Honestly, I can make something up but that is all it would be. I have been in a mood for several weeks and it is getting worse. Honey, I don't know."
Ciarán sat for a moment, deciding if he could believe this response or not and finally, he said, "Katie, you should have told me when you first began to feel this way and not kept this from me. We are a couple, a unit, and you know that I am here for you before you do something drastic like you did outside today. It does not help me to trust you if you can't tell me things like this so we can work it out. I will let you up, but only if y
ou promise to talk to me after I do."
Katie agreed for her anger was dispelled, her tear reservoir emptied, and her body exhausted. She was the calmest she had been in well over a week. Ciarán pulled her up into his lap, rearranging her clothing by taking the lower half off and covering her with the sofa throw. She cuddled into his shoulder and they talked, but could not find the source of her mood swings. However, they both agreed that for a temporary fix, the over the lap solution had blown past the antsiness enough. This time.
"Promise me you will talk to Doc and to Jocelyn. We need to figure this out."
She agreed. It was soon after that incident that her mood swings were replaced with a low, going through the motions, mood. Jocelyn described her responses as flat and said that was a danger indicator. She would work with her only after she got into the doctor. It was at that point that both of them began to look outside of themselves for answers.
Talking to Doc one morning before they opened for the day about her emotional roller coaster, he ran a blood test and asked her the typical questions about diet, exercise, home life, sleep patterns, and so on. Katie had already gone over the standard list and wondered if she just needed more iron. That night, she told Ciarán she just did not feel like cooking or eating and she brought home some Chinese food, apologized and went to bed. She was finding it difficult to sleep, but she was just too tired to do anything but lay there.
Ciarán called over to Jocelyn and asked if he could talk to her. So, walking over to Liam's, he sat down and played with his nephew and Bailey for a few moments before pulling Bailey on his lap who began to doze off, her uncle Ciarán being her favorite sleep mate next to her papa. He began laying out the concerns he had about Katie.
"She walks in a fog and thinks in a fog. Sometimes it seems like she is folding herself into an envelope to be slipped into a deep, dark pocket. She is avoidant, sad, jumpy, and even nervous around me. She doesn't want to do anything or participate in anything I do. I just feel as though I am losing her and worse than that, she is losing herself. I talked to Doc. She has said he could talk with me and he said she noticed something was not right and asked for a blood test. He said he found nothing in the blood test that would indicate there is a problem."
Ciarán characteristically ran his hand through his hair, signifying he was an O'Connor man, and that he was at a loss. Jocelyn put Padraig in his father's hands and walked over to Ciarán.
"Ciarán, she sounds like she is depressed. Was there anything that went on that would make you expect or suspect that it would make her sad? What medicine is she on?"
"None and I haven't let her go on any long hikes alone, which have irritated her, but I offered to go with her and she is not happy to go with me these days. Actually, she is just not happy and when I ask her what she would like to do, she has no answer. She doesn't know what she wants to do."
"Tell you what; I will have a talk with her. I'll offer to go with her hiking, shopping, or something. The safe house bid award is announced on Friday, so I have some time this week for sister time. Let me see what I can figure out. Okay?"
"Thanks so much. I really don't know what to do anymore."
Jocelyn grabbed baby O'Connor back from his dad's arms in which he had fallen asleep and she left the men to talk while she went to put her little man to bed leaving Liam to carry Bailey up later. Tomorrow she would try to figure out what was the problem.
The next day dawned warm and sunny, almost a perfect day, except Katie was about as tired waking up as when she went to bed. She dragged her tired self out of bed and gathered herself around, climbing into the car to go to work. She walked into work, put on her best fake smile and began her morning routine.
Pouring coffee so that she could get a caffeine fix to jolt her body into forward motion, she watched as her newly poured cup of coffee slid right out of her hands onto the floor. Immediately, she began to cry. She was crying long after Doc came in to see what was the matter and kept crying long after he patted her back and said it was not a problem. She continued even after he cleaned it up and after he called Ciarán to come and get her.
Doc took her temperature, and the rest of her vitals, listened to her heart and lungs, offered her something to eat and tried talking sternly to her. There was nothing that seemed to penetrate the sheet of tears and heartache that was continually coming from his typically energetic nurse. When Ciarán strode into the office through the back entrance, Doc was both relieved and angry.
"What have you done that makes this girl so upset?"
"Nothing, Doc, I swear. I don't know what is wrong. She has been like this for weeks and I can't figure out what it is all about myself. She is getting worse and worse. This is the most dramatic so far. I talked Jocelyn about it last night." That disclosure drew a fresh round of tears from Katie and brought Ciarán's body protectively around her. "And she asked about changes in anything. She asked about medications, she asked about routine, allergies, and I just don't have anything. She isn't taking any medication that I don't know about, right?"
Doc shook his head."No. Just the Depo quarterly and she hasn't had this type of reaction normally before, so take her home today and let's see how she is tomorrow. Here, I wrote this script for anxiety, follow the directions, and see if it helps, then after Jocelyn talks to her, have her call me and we will compare notes. It might be that she needs an antidepressant."
Patting her folded hands again in comfort, Doc Ames allowed Ciarán to lead his quieter but still upset wife out of the office.
"Come on, mo chroí, let me take you home, and get you a nice cup of tea, how about that, mo ghrá?"
"No, I'll just drop it on the floor. Ciarán, what is wrong with me? Why am I crying and useless?" Tears threatened again and it was with great effort that Katie was able to hold them back.
"Oh, a stór, darling, there is nothing wrong with you. Jocelyn thinks you might be depressed. We don't know why, but we will figure it out. I hope you know that I will do whatever it takes to figure out what is wrong so we can fix it. Will you talk to Jocelyn, hon?"
"I guess, but I hope she isn't wasting her time and it is just my useless self, nothing to fix because it is just who I am."
"Katherine O'Connor, honey, I know that you are upset and feeling down, but no one talks about my wife that way. Not even my wife. Do you understand? No one and if they do, I will make her bottom as red as her nose. I will be tempted to give her a healthy dose of reality."
"Yes, but what if it is true?"
Katie took a deep breath and blew it out, she knew that he would not spank her right now but also knew her husband would take care of everything and somehow, even as down and depressive as she was feeling, she took great comfort in that fact.
"I am just going to let you take care of this because I am not able to. I know that makes you happy, my dictator." The slight grin on her face made Ciarán know that his wife was in there somewhere and that gave him renewed hope that soon they would figure things out.
Later that day, while Jocelyn had spent some time with Katie, Ciarán was eager to hear the results. He worked on the new kennels preparing for the first round of puppies to arrive soon, but it was not his priority. By the time the horses were addressed, the books were looked at, the kennels were attended to and his own work around the house was handled, he was pretty wound up and anxious to hear what went on with the two women.
Ciarán went inside to find that Jocelyn was on the phone talking to Shane and both Padraig and Katie were sleeping. He grabbed a cup of coffee and sat on the sofa with Jocelyn as she finished with Shane. She looked over at him and smiled which set his mind to a more relaxed state, hopeful that they had figured something out.
"I have good news, some bad news, and some I'm not sure news, but then ultimately good news again. Unfortunately, you have to take it in order so no choice as to what comes first, I am afraid."
Jocelyn waited for Ciarán to absorb that prelude and he nodded for her to continue.
"
We think we have discovered what the problem is. It is the birth control shot. Normally, there are no side effects except bleeding. What it appears is that one of the side effects, depression, is what has really happened to Katie. I'll let her fill you in when she wakes up, but that is the good news." Jocelyn stopped and waited before continuing.
"The bad news is that this birth control is still active and the hormonal changes may remain in effect for a few months and up to two years after she doesn't take another dose, but that is rare."
Ciarán was quiet, trying to absorb things. "Dammit, this was supposed to be safe."
"Normally it is, but not for Katie. There is medication that can help her, but she is better when she is better. We hope she will be more like herself in the few weeks, but it could be up to two years. Are you okay? Actually, I am glad that we have identified that it was not her own body chemistry, just the synthetic chemistry induced by the birth control. That is such a good thing."
"Right, I know. You know I lit her butt on fire a couple of weeks ago because I just could not understand her moods and what I thought was an attitude adjustment issue." He characteristically ran his hand through his hair and stood to pace. "I feel so bad about that."
Jocelyn laughed. "This is one of the few times I am going to discuss this subject with you, Ciarán. Katie told me, and she also said that it relieved her stress and anxiety more than anything else she had tried. Liam said that before we married and he stills believes it, but I don't let him know too often that I agree."
Jocelyn smiled and stood for a hug before she went to grab her sleeping baby and walked back home, refusing a ride by Ciarán.
Ciarán called Doc and ran in to pick up the medication before he walked back upstairs to see his wife, waking his sleeping beauty from her slumber to get her lunch. After talking to Katie and apologizing for his misunderstanding a few weeks ago, they made very gentle love with the hope that things would be better soon.
Rancher's Creed (Ciaran O'Connor Book 2) Page 9
