"Ciarán, I can't get pregnant while I am on the antidepressants or other hormones that counteract the depo. I know people do try, but I don't want my baby to grow under that cloud of medication. Please be okay with that."
Ciarán laughed and said that whatever she wanted, she would have. He did not need to make any babies at this point in their marriage. He just wanted her to be back to her normal, happy, self and he would wait ten years if that were necessary. She laughed and assured him that sacrifice would not have to happen.
"Mo chroí, I am so sorry about spanking you a couple of weeks ago. I should have dealt with it differently." He held her close.
Katie reassured him. "Oh, sweetie, it actually helped me handle things for a very short period of time. I'm not saying you should do so again. Let's just wait for the medications to level me out, shall well?"
Ciarán again laughed. "I promise to not fall back on that method until that happens. I am just happy we have a plan and an eventual end in sight."
Summer rolled into the Ciarán O'Connor household much easier than spring's entrance. Katie's mood was back to normal most days and, when it wasn't, they knew it was temporary not permanent. Cheyenne and Katie had kept contact, loosely when Katie was having her medical problems, but more regularly now that Katie felt more in control. Jocelyn joined in enticing Quinlan to bring Cheyenne to visit them. They had Kelli call Quinn and he finally gave in to all the female influences in his life.
The women talked, sans Kelli, about why Cheyenne seemed to be much more forgiving when Quinn spanked her butt than Katie was with Ciarán. While Cheyenne did try to avoid the confrontations, Katie positively ran from them. Jocelyn, well, Jocelyn took them in stride and fought for her right to debate each and every time Liam seemed of the mind to roast her rear.
Katie thought of Caoimhe and Alisha, who hardly ever found themselves taking a trip over their husband's knee and Kelli, well, Kelli, could not believe anyone would turn their wife or girlfriend over their knee. Therefore, no one let her in on their home life in that department. Everyone else knew that it was practiced, sparingly, in each of the O'Connor and Andrew Raines homes. Since they did not speak of it outside of their homes, except in cryptic language, then no one had occasion to speak of it around Kelli.
Katie had heard the tone change in Parker when Kelli was acting a bit like a petulant child and Katie wondered if Parker would hit his breaking point and do a little bottom roasting of his own one of these days. She sure wondered how that would turn out.
Out shopping, the conversation turned to the new O'Connor little one on its way in early December, with speculation when they would find out if it were a girl or boy. Katie was so glad that she was feeling like her old self these days and never wanted to feel that terrible depression again. She had it in her medical records now that it was her reaction. She didn't know if they would be able to use anything besides condoms and she worried it would not be enough. It worked for plenty of others so she should not worry; but she did.
She was turning her husband down sometimes and she knew he was hurt even though he accepted it very well. More times that ever she was finding herself bringing him to a finish without intercourse and she knew he knew she was doing it on purpose to avoid that intimate final melding. Maybe she should tell him her fears. She had mentioned it before about not having medication and pregnancy mix, but her intense fears were based on more than that thought. She contemplated the options to herself while she allowed the others to talk about the upcoming wedding. It was yet another thing she had not fully disclosed to her husband who told her everything.
After coming home and enjoying dinner with the family, Kelli and Parker drove back into Elk Ridge because he wanted to get a good night's sleep before going in to work the next morning. The rest played cards, talked about the ranch, getting to know Quinn and Cheyenne as a couple. Katie found she was getting tired and leaned into her husband who brought his arm around her and pulled her in tight, playing with her hair as it fell across her face. After a few more minutes, she found she was drifting off in the warm familiarity of Ciarán'd arms and just as she was diving off into slumbering waters, she had warm breath in her ear telling her that it was time to go home. She moaned a little in protest, tried to snuggle further into her husband, and heard his chuckle.
"Mo chroí, it is time to go home and you need to wake up. Come on, lómhara, we are getting up now."
Still she resisted and Ciarán leaned down to kiss her lips softly at first, then with more intensity, drawing out a response from Katie. Then, without warning, her eyes flew wide open and she looked at Ciarán with a shocked and almost fearful look. No one else saw the look. However, they did witness the quick response. It was misinterpreted as arousal and embarrassment for they were in a room with others. Ciarán however, had seen that look before and he was determined not to see it again. He pulled Katie up a bit roughly and said their goodnights while pushing his confused and confusing wife out the door towards home.
Once they were outside and alone, he asked, "What the hell was that all about?"
Katie looked shocked to have heard her husband swear when speaking to her. He had only done it once before when she had sped off after fishtailing in the drive when she was angry. She experienced an aggravated husband when she returned. She got a lecture and a sore butt from her frightened husband for her trouble and she decided that she did not want to repeat that method of communication again.
Katie understood and knew that if she put herself in danger because of her choice of actions, she would always feel her husband's retribution but then always his love. After a while, cuddling in his arms, his love for her was expressed for several hours.
Back to the present moment of an angry husband, Katie could do nothing but hang her head. She knew what he was talking about and she knew she needed to tell him her fears. What she didn't know was how he would take it when she expressed it.
"What do you mean?" Katie stumbled to respond.
Ciarán's step had lengthened and increased to meet his anger, frustration, and determination that things were going to be out in the open between himself and his bhean tonight. Katie stumbled as she tried to keep up with Ciarán and finally tripped almost falling before Ciarán grabbed her in his strong arms and held her to his hard as concrete chest. He slowed his breathing from anger and waited until Katie's breathing had slowed from exertion, kissing her hair, his warm breath falling on her temple. They were just a few feet from the stairs leading into the house and he effortlessly lifted Katie up in his arms and completed the walk with her held tightly.
*****
Katie, who would have typically protested, allowed her husband to cross the final length with her in his arms because she knew just that act gave him back his control. It gave her security. It was as though, as he held her in his arms, he was putting his home right again. He had his protector role on and the man of the house reseated. While some may have thought it outrageous, his sister Kelli, for one, Katie knew it was the right thing to do. She loved her husband to distraction, and these last months had been hard on him. He had to put up with her tantrums, her decisions that she made without consulting him, her choices of petulant childlike behavior and the birth control fiasco.
That was the crux of this issue before them, the blasted birth control issue. She was worried about not having enough and yet she would never again risk taking anything that would alter her hormone levels. When they entered the house and Ciarán sat her down on the sofa, she patted the seat cushion beside her in case he had thought that he would sit somewhere else. Finally, she took a deep breath and turned to look at her husband. His look was frustrated and confused and oh so very determined.
"Ask me what you need to ask and I promise to answer."
"All right. I saw that look of almost terror tonight when I kissed you. I have seen you back away from me when I tried to make love to you. You find other ways besides intercourse to get me off and you are avoidant more times than not. K
atherine, I need to know what is going on."
"I know you mean business when you call me Katherine. It is my indication you intend for me to listen and heed your words."
Katie tried to smile and lighten the mood, but Ciarán was having nothing of it. He sat silently, waiting for her response and lifted his eyebrows to encourage the response to be sooner rather than later.
"Okay, Ciarán, I am afraid that we will get pregnant." She waited until that could sink in and raised her hand when Ciarán would jump in to respond.
"No, wait. I don't mean that I would not get pregnant ever; I mean now. Funny though this might seem to you, I don't mean now, as in, we haven't been married long enough, or as in, my career would be interrupted. I mean now, as in, while I am still on these antidepressants and other hormones. I am afraid to have any drugs on board when I get pregnant and since we can't use any of the standard chemical methods to protect from pregnancy, I am scared to death. Condoms break and other methods are not as reliable as even that."
"Lord, woman, why could you have not told me that, weeks ago? Why have you made me worry, second guess myself, doubt myself, and doubt us when it was something as simple as this?" Ciarán's hand ran through his hair.
"Because, I was ashamed to be worried about that. I didn't want you to tell me I was stupid and push off my fears."
"Katherine, I have never called or thought you were stupid. I also never pushed off your fears. I have talked you through them, worked with you to overcome them, but never pushed them off."
"Well, that is how I felt. I know you trust the condoms, but I just don't, not alone. And I am afraid to use other things that might change my body."
"What I think we need to do is get on the internet and get some education on the different types of birth control because I can absolutely assure you that I will not abstain from making full, mind blowing love to you and with you in between pregnancies."
Katie's breath audibly caught and Ciarán could see the doubt come over her features. Ciarán reached over pulling her to him, helping her settle into his arms and allowed her to absorb his warm touch. Within a few moments, he could hear her softly crying and knew that was a release for her. She was fighting the fears, the logic, and the comfort of her full trust in Ciarán was overwhelming to her. Ciarán allowed her to cry for a bit and then he took the pads of his thumbs and gently wiped her tears.
"Katie, mo chroí, we will work through this. Is there a way that we could start weaning you off of these pills sooner?"
"I'll ask, but probably not for another month anyway. I don't suppose you would be willing to wait for another month?"
"Not a chance. I have gone without for quite a spell if you ask me. I think there are methods of birth control that are not hormone based that you could use and I promise not to grumble when I put on the straight jacket. No, don't look like that. I am kidding. I do not mind wearing a condom, and I just bought a new box so there is nothing that will be wrong with them. They will be new. I check the date manufactured because I want to be able to trust them as well."
"I know it makes no sense, and that I sound irrational, but I feel the way I feel."
"Stór, I know. It will be fine." Then Ciarán's tone changed and he was once again, ruler of all he surveyed and chastisement was about to commence.
"Katherine, tell me why you did not say anything about the way you felt months ago? I thought you were covered in your birth control until about two or three weeks ago, and yet you were pushing me away before that."
"Stupid I guess." She made to jump up off the couch, but Ciarán did not allow it, grabbing her hands, and bringing her back down.
"If you had shared your fears and thoughts with me, then this would not have happened. What am I going to do with you, mo bhean chéile, wife of mine?"
"I guess you are just going to have to love me."
"Oh, I intend to do that, a stór, all night. And before you say anything, you are going to practice trusting your husband to do the right thing. I see the doubt and fear already crowding in on your face, and I feel for you, but trust is vital and you are going to practice it tonight. We will have mind-blowing sex this evening. I intend to use several virtual and emotional straight jackets of control, and you will need to trust my judgment totally. Do you understand, my secretive wife?"
"I think I do. You intend to push my limits."
"As many as I can. Go shower and meet me in bed—naked." Ciarán planted a possessive and demanding kiss on her lips before he pulled her up.
"But what if I can't?" Katie whispered. Ciarán saw her timidity mingled with fear and deciding to change his approach, he gave her a gentle kiss.
"You will be able to do it. You know how to turn it over to me. I will take care of you. You must trust me, so even if you think you can't, just let go anyway. I will smooth your anxieties." Then he turned her towards the upstairs and swatted her rounded bottom soundly to seal the ownership communication.
Chapter Six
Katie showered and tried to relax. Her mind refused to release the fear that terrible things could happen to a child conceived with drugs on board. A nurse should not have these fears and they were unfounded because Ciarán would use protection. Nevertheless, the knowledge that the medication she was on was not optimal for a child to be conceived scared her. She considered it her duty to make sure that any child they had would grow unfettered by medication. Sighing, she dried off and threw on a nightshirt before she climbed into bed, once again feeling tired.
When Ciarán came into the room, her stomach did flips and she decided to try to meet his needs without full on intercourse, but it seemed Ciarán had much different ideas. As he approached the bed, coming within reach of Katie, she reached to fondle his member already rising to stand at attention. He apparently had showered downstairs for his hair was wet and his body glistening. Ciarán avoided her hand, even though she was persistent.
"I told you to be naked. Are you, mo dána bhean? Because from here it looks like my naughty wife is not bare as she was instructed."
When she would murmur about the demand, Ciarán walked to the bed where she sat. He reached over and put his hand on the nape of her neck, grabbing her hair tightly and drawing her near to him, decidedly taking control of the situation. He could see and feel her fear, her resistance and he did not allow her to resist him.
Ciarán, with authority wrapped in kid gloves, guided Katie to the edge of the bed. "Strip."
"Kie-"
"Anois." Katie no longer needed him to translate that word. She knew now meant immediately; he was serious. She started to pull the nightshirt over her head slowly but as he broke the kiss, she allowed it to drop back down. Her breath hitched in her throat. Her hand tentatively slid to his cock as Ciarán kissed her lips persistently, drawing out a moan from her lips.
"No, mo ghra," he growled close to her ear, "hands on your head. Show your beautiful body to me." He kissed her deeply and as she naturally parted her lips for comfort, Ciarán charged in tasting her sweetness and leaning her back on the bed. As he leaned her back, he clasped her hands in his and drew them over her head all the while his tongue caressing her warm mouth. So absorbed in the passion of the possessive kisses, Katie did not notice her hands remained above her head until Ciarán brought a free hand to the end of the shirt and began raising it to uncover her breasts, cold air hitting her already hardened nipples—he tweaked them. The sharp intake of breath made her jerk her arms to bring them down and Ciarán did not allow that movement, watching as she became panicky.
"Shhh, lómhara, you are okay. We have made love countless times and you know I am careful. Are you hurt?" He waited for her to acknowledge that she was not hurting and he nodded his head. "Then I will bind them up if you do not relax and calm down. I am going to love you like I know you want and because it gives me pleasure. I am going to take your tee shirt off now and if you move your hands to get in the way, I am going to tie them and punish you, because I am running this show." His voice wa
s commanding and gentle at the same time. A quality that allowed her to relax and let him take over.
Ciarán's hands slipped up her now vulnerably exposed body, kissing from her ankle to the juncture of her thighs and down the other thigh teasing but nothing more. She could feel her husband's excitement and passion as well as her own rise to nearly boiling. Her body responded to his hot lips and tongue by releasing small moans and sighs of partially controlled passion. She was unaware of how her body trusted him, met him as he touched her, sought him out, his caressing touch.
Ciarán again took her nipples into his mouth one at a time. As he suckled on the one, he rolled the other between his fingers and pulled slightly, bringing tortured moans from her lips. As he licked and kissed his way back down to the V between her thighs, he slid his finger to test her readiness and arousal. He was surprised at how wet and hot her naughty pussy was.
He bent down to take a taste and Katie shrieked while trying to cover herself with her hands and attempting to roll away from his intruding tongue. In response, he growled at her to remove her hands before they were tied and with a rough movement put himself firmly between her thighs for a better access point and returned to his feast. He slapped her thigh to ensure compliance.
"You love this," he growled.
While his little lady seemed as though she was in great distress, he was not concerned for he knew she was in distress not because she was hurt but because she was losing control of the situation. He needed to teach her that she could trust him to pleasure her without fear and that he would come in her safely. He felt her tense and lightly swatted her outer thigh again. Katie stilled and seemed to want to say something but as Ciarán massaged her leg where he had placed his swat, she relaxed and looked to give into his ministrations.
When Katie began to thrash with her heightened excitement and aching passion, she moaned his name, begging him to let her pleasure him but Ciarán knew it was her desperate attempt to stop him from entering her and she needed to push through the fear. She needed to allow him to love her without consequence.
Rancher's Creed (Ciaran O'Connor Book 2) Page 10
