Without Hesitation

by Talia Jager

  We weren’t going to find a way off the planet by just sitting here. When she was feeling better, we could venture off to find help—if there was help, but we needed to stay a few nights for Akacia to rest. Her body might be healed on the outside, but she was raw on the inside. My mind wandered a lot in the silence. I wondered how she healed. She wasn’t an AI. She bled. Were all of her people like that? Was she special? I thought about if it really mattered. Did it change the way I felt about her?

  Not one bit.

  Days and nights continued. Some nights Akacia cried and I held her. Some nights she was calm. Some nights she didn’t sleep at all.

  She still didn’t talk. She was healing. I gave her the time. I said things here or there, but mostly just kept to myself and watched her.

  Just before sunset, Akacia was staring at the stream, watching the water. I could tell by the way her body shook, even from behind, that she was crying. I sat next to her and put my arm around her shoulders, hoping to comfort her.

  She shoved me away. Her eyes were full of fear. I held my hands up apologetically. She shook her head and jumped up. I followed. She was breaking down. Losing it. It had finally gotten to be too much. She took a swing, hitting me under my eye. I could have stopped it, but I didn’t. I deserved it. She cried out and swung at me again. Her fist connected with my lip.

  She waited. Waited for me to fight back.

  I shook my head. My own hot tears slid down my cheeks. I wouldn’t fight her.

  She threw herself at me, pounding my chest with her fists. She cried out and started to collapse.

  I grabbed her shoulders, steadying her, and easing her to the ground.

  “I’ve got you.”

  She let me hold her while she cried. I ran my fingers through her hair and hummed. How I wished I could go back and change things. When she fell asleep, I carried her back to camp and lay next to her. I cherished every second because I never knew from one moment to the next if she was going to let me near her again. During the night, she let me hold her. In the daytime, the anger returned. Touching was off limits. I started to stand and go to other side of the fire where I could sleep, she roused and her hand searched for mine. I took it and she interlaced her fingers with mine. It was a simple gesture, one that made me warm and hopeful.

  Chapter Ten

  Akacia

  When I woke, I could feel Everleigh’s arm draped around me. I wanted nothing more than to turn in her arms and put my lips on hers. I dreamt of loving her, being with her, being hers. I could feel the way she felt about me when she held me. I could see it in her eyes. I began to wonder if it was possible.

  I took the extra minute this morning to stay in her arms.

  A rumble in the distance caused Ever to stir. She sat right up when the second rumble came. “Storm,” she mumbled. “We need to take cover.”

  We hurried into the woods and pressed up against the trees. The lightning storm arrived with ferocity making me wish we were still at the cave. Lightning struck the ground all around us. Then came the hail. Large pieces of ice slammed into the ground. We ducked down and covered our heads. I grimaced when a piece of hail made it through the canopy of trees and hit my back. It literally felt like forever that we were stuck there, but finally the hail and lightning stopped.

  “You okay?” Everleigh asked as we stood.

  I ignored her and walked back to where we slept.

  She continued talking, “I’m fine. Thanks. Couple of hits on my shoulders, but I’ll live.”

  After eating, Everleigh turned to me and we stared at each other for a long time. Finally, she let out a sigh and said, “I don’t know what’s out there, but we need to go.”

  Other than putting a bunch of fruit in the blanket, we didn’t have anything to pack, so we just started walking next to the stream. I stayed behind her. The temperature went up as the day wore on and I was sure I smelled ripe. I needed to wash. Maybe tonight.

  We stopped before the sunstar set, building a fire, and making sure we were ready for the night. The stream was too shallow to bathe in, so I only washed my face, hands and feet.

  Everleigh made two spears from wood. She handed me one. “In case we run into anything.”

  I haven’t used a spear before. I had trained with swords, daggers, and a bow and arrow, but not a spear. I would have to ask my teachers to add that if I made it home. She set traps for animals hoping to catch one. There weren’t any fruit trees around and we were down to four fruits.

  When I woke the next morning, Everleigh wasn’t next to me. My heart sank a little, and I chastised myself for feeling that way. She betrayed me. I couldn’t fall for her. Couldn’t be with her. Not the way my heart wanted.

  She emerged from the tree line. “Didn’t catch anything,” she said, disappointment in her voice.

  We walked all day. I fell back and walked slower than she did, lost in my head. At some point I looked up to find Everleigh staring ahead. Catching up to her, I saw what she saw. A huge body of water. A lake? We couldn’t continue straight.

  “We’ll stay there tonight. Change direction tomorrow.”

  We set up camp by the lake. After building a fire, Everleigh disappeared into the forest. When she came back, she said, “Set some traps. Maybe we’ll get lucky this time.” She looked at me as if she was waiting for me to respond. When I didn’t, she sighed, sat down and took off her shoes.

  I closed my eyes for a while, until my stomach growled. Grabbing a piece of fruit, I got comfortable near the fire where I could watch the flames dance.

  Just as I sunk my teeth in for another bite fruit, Everleigh walked by me completely naked. My chewing slowed and I swallowed hard as she charged into the lake and started washing up. Her body was absolutely perfect. I thought about the time she must spend working out to have a body like that. Besides the tattoos I had already seen, she had a massive, colorful galaxy tattoo on her right hip down to her knee. It was stunning.

  Everleigh didn’t acknowledge that I might be watching her or show any shame in her nudity. She just washed. I looked down at my own body and remembered how dirty I was. I probably smelled, too. Without really making a decision to do it, I stood, took off my clothes, and walked toward the lake. With the sun down, the water was chilly and stopped me in my tracks. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

  I let out a yelp as frigid water hit my body. When I looked up, my eyes locked with Everleigh’s and she laughed. I froze. It was such a beautiful sound and I hadn’t heard it in so long that it sounded strange. Then she tossed more water my way. I bit down on my lip and splashed her back. A few minutes later, I was neck deep in the water. I rubbed every part of my body and then went underwater to soak my hair. The moment my head was submerged images of being held under the water filled my mind and I broke the surface of the water gasping.

  Everleigh was by my side in an instant.

  Everything rushed at me, warping in and out of focus. My heart pounded in my chest and it felt like someone was squeezing the life out of me. My entire body shook violently.

  “You’re having another panic attack. I’m going to touch you now,” she announced before putting her arms around me, she held me close. The tranquility that seemed to permeate her settled around me. My heart slowed. My breathing became more even. Everleigh watched me like she was trying to gauge how much would be okay, where my breaking point would be.

  “Breathe with me,” she said. I matched my inhales and exhales to hers and she smiled encouragingly. My heart slowed. I was safe. Caspar wasn’t torturing me anymore.

  There was a silence as still as stone between us for a few long moments as we stared into each other’s eyes.

  I finally broke the silence. “I hate you…”

  “I know.”

  My lip trembled, and I lifted my hand to cup her cheek. I sought her lips with mine. The warmth of them sent a jolt to my
heart. Tears flowed freely and I could taste the salt as it blended with the kiss. One of her hands was in my hair while the other was on the small of my back holding me up. My left hand wrapped around her waist. We fit together seamlessly like we were made to hold each other.

  Her lips worked in tandem with mine like a hypnotic sensual dance. I whimpered at the tender emotions we shared.

  When we pulled apart, I let out a soft breath, feeling slightly dazed. I opened my eyes and met hers. They were full of kindness, compassion, and maybe some guilt. She traced my lips with her thumb.

  I swallowed hard and took a step back.

  We didn’t say anything more to each other that night. We dressed in only our underclothes. Everleigh built a fire while I washed our clothes, then laid them next to the fire to dry.

  Her trap had caught a small animal. She cooked it over the fire and we both ripped the meat off its bones.

  After we ate, she sat behind me and started braiding my hair. I figured it’d get less dirty and tangled in a braid. Feeling her fingers work through my hair brought tears to my eyes again. I was glad I was facing the other way so she didn’t see. When she finished, we switched places and I braided hers.

  Later when I lay my head down, my heart burned with the kiss we shared earlier. I tossed and turned. My mind wouldn’t stop reliving it. The feel of her lips on mine. The way her hands felt on my body. Here, in the nighttime, I wanted her to hold me forever.

  Daytime brought back the anger. The feelings of abandonment crept into my thoughts. I remembered how alone I felt on Caspar’s spacecraft and how alone I felt right now. I thought about the torture he put me through and how I’d never look at water the same way.

  “You betrayed me! You—” my voice broke, “left me.”

  Everleigh’s eyes went wide with pain and knowing. “I’m sorry.”

  “You…we…” It felt like someone was stabbing my heart with a knife. “You just handed me over like it was nothing.”

  “I had no choice.”

  “We all have choices.”

  “He has my family. All of our families,” she explained. “If we don’t do what he says, he takes it out on them.”

  “This is why you do things for him? To keep them safe?”

  “Yes.” She let out a huge sigh like she was relieved to finally tell me this. “I was trying to find a way for us to disappear and figure out how to kill him, but I didn’t have time. He shot my cousin because I was late turning you over. Said he’d kill more every hour I delayed.”

  “You promised. You said you’d bring me home.” It was childish, but I felt ripped wide open.

  “I know.”

  “Do you know what he did to me?”

  She looked away. She wasn’t getting off that easy. She needed to know.

  “First they beat me. Then they starved me, hung me up, and beat me some more. I was shackled to a wall, whacked with a chain, and then they tried to drown me. And what for? Information that I don’t even know.”

  A tear escaped one of her eyes and rolled down her cheek. “I’m sorry.”

  “You handed me over to them.” I glared at her. “I hate you.”

  “I know.”

  There was no more talking. We just walked for hours. Keeping the lake on our right, we headed away from the mountains. There was still no sign of intelligent life on this planet.

  The words tumbled out of her mouth, surprising me, “It wasn’t personal.”

  Tears stung my eyes and I sucked in a shuddering breath. “It was to me.” There was a whimper in my voice I prayed she couldn’t hear. I felt broken and beaten. I was broken and beaten.

  “I didn’t want to betray you. It pained me to do so, but I did what needed to be done.”

  “I get it. I do.” I took a couple steps backward.

  “You are right to be angry.” She stepped closer, eliminating the space between us. “I don’t know how to apologize for what I’ve done. I don’t know how to make it right. I know I did the wrong thing and I feel horrible for it, but I don’t know how to make up for it. I don’t know how to apologize for the biggest mistake of my life. Saying I’m sorry doesn’t seem like enough for the hurt I caused you.”

  Even in my anger, I found some measure of comfort in being physically close to her. “I can’t just forgive you in a day. My feelings aren’t like that. Healing is a process. I will say that I don’t hate you as much today as I did yesterday.” My throat felt tight and my eyes stung with tears I refused to let fall.

  “I would sacrifice myself for you,” she whispered.

  “I know.”

  And I did know. I knew she was telling me the truth. She would have turned herself over. She would have been tortured. She would have killed herself for me. But it wasn’t her life that was threatened. It had been the lives of those she loved.

  I knew this, but it settled in even more and I understood. The anger had been the only thing holding me together and now it was slipping away.

  “You have a knife. Do you think I should die for my betrayal?” she asked.

  I sucked in a staggered breath. My heart clenched inside my chest so hard I put my hand to it. “No. No, I don’t.”

  Another silence settled between us that went on so long my wobbling knees threatened to give out on me. My breaths came quickly as I tried to fight off the panic flowing through me.

  Everleigh quickly slipped her arm around my waist, holding me up. “Breathe.”

  I placed my hand on her chest, hating myself for letting her hold me.

  Later that night I stared into her eyes as we lay across from one another, the fire between us. “I don’t know how to move on,” I admitted.

  “I know,” she answered.

  Chapter Eleven

  Everleigh

  The grass beneath our feet was slowly fading. Up ahead was barren land. It was a dull orange color and hadn’t seen water in so long that cracks ran through it in all directions. Rock formations jutted out of the ground in the distance.

  We continued our trek through the desert-like area until it got dark only stopping once to shield ourselves from a dust storm. There wasn’t anything to build a fire with or woods to hunt in, so we just sat staring at the stars.

  I wished she would talk to me. It had been two days since her last outburst and I could tell she was still working her way through her emotions. The silence was heavy and overwhelming, but I knew that pushing her would only slow her emotional progress.

  I waited until Akacia fell into a deep, restful sleep before I laid down and tried to sleep myself.

  When we woke, there was nothing to do but continue on. Our water and food were both long gone and the desert area showed no signs of either. We needed to find the other side and fast.

  It took another day until the desert started giving way to rock and before we knew it we were walking between boulders, heading downward for a while before it turned into an uphill trek. The temperature dropped the higher we climbed and I knew if I was tired, Akacia must be too. But we pushed on, hoping that we’d find refuge on the other side.

  There was practically a rock wall in front of us. It wasn’t too steep. I could make it, but I wasn’t sure about Akacia. I glanced at her and she nodded.

  We started up. She followed in my footsteps. I could have climbed faster, but purposely went slow for Akacia’s sake. Each step took more and more effort, as we got higher up on the rocks. I could hear Akacia breathing heavily behind me.

  We were almost there when I heard her foot slip. I spun around and grabbed her wrist before she fell. She was looking down and panting with fear. Her feet kicked wildly under her.

  “Hold still!” I struggled to pull her up. Somehow I managed to get both of us over the top and fell onto my back. She landed on top of me and our eyes locked.

  “Thank you…”

 
She rolled off me and closed her eyes, taking deep breaths. A few minutes later, she staggered to her feet and looked down.

  “I wouldn’t have let you fall.”

  She gave a slight nod.

  “You’re bleeding,” I said. “But I suppose we don’t have to worry about that.”

  She examined her right arm. She didn’t answer and I turned around to continue on. “I didn’t know,” her voice seemed soft and unsure. “When I was being tortured…” It took her another minute to speak again. “Apparently I heal fast. I didn’t know. I don’t remember getting hurt, so I never knew.” More than anything she sounded confused and a little afraid.

  “You—”

  She held up her hand. “Caspar said something about my father perfecting nanites to heal injuries. I don’t really know what that means. I think they’re in me though.”

  Nanites inside of her? “They’re like macro machines.”

  She looked over at me with tears in her blue eyes. “Does that make me a freak?”

  “No.” I met her eyes.

  Her lip quivered.

  I cupped her face and said more firmly, “No.”

  She nodded and licked her lips. My gaze shifted from her eyes to her mouth, but when I leaned in, she pulled back. It was daytime. We didn’t do that in the daytime. That was saved for nighttime only.

  We made our way over to the other side and I came to an abrupt stop.

  “Shit…” I swore as I looked out over the scene in front of us. Icy spikes sprouted out of the ground. There was no flat area to walk across, no easy access to the other side.

  “We have to go across that?” Akacia choked.

  Ice? Snow? It couldn’t be a city with a way home? Or at least a meadow with water and fruit. It had to be ice and snow? I let out a scream of frustration, kicked some rocks sent them tumbling over the side.

  “Enough!” Akacia yelled, reaching out and grabbing my hand. “You won’t be any good if you hurt yourself.”