The Hearts That Hold

by Rosie Clarke

  My heart stood still. He had not mentioned Jack for so long that I had almost believed he had forgotten him. Yet in my heart I knew he would never do that – any more than I could.

  ‘We might go to a hotel somewhere,’ I replied, carefully keeping my voice level. ‘But we can’t go there, darling. Not to the Cottage. It belongs to Jack.’

  ‘He would lend it to us if you asked,’ James said, pulling a face. That hint of mutiny was in his eyes again. He would never truly forgive me for sending Jack away. ‘I know he would. If you wrote to him in America and asked.’

  ‘I don’t know his address,’ I said. ‘Besides, there are lots of other nice places we could stay.’

  ‘But I liked it there …’

  ‘Well, we’ll see,’ I said, hoping to change the subject. ‘I’m not sure Jack still lets people stay there. He might have sold it …’

  It was unlikely that Jack had sold the Cottage. It was a lovely old house that had been in his family for generations. I did not know if he ever visited it these days – or if he even came to England.

  I had heard nothing from him since the night we had quarrelled.

  I was still thinking about Jack, and the few days we had spent at his cottage in Sussex, as I parked the car, then ushered the children into the house.

  Mrs Rowan came out into the hall, her face wearing its disapproving look.

  ‘You have a visitor, madam. I asked her to wait in the parlour.’

  ‘Thank you, Mrs Rowan. Did she leave her name?’

  ‘Mrs Jansen,’ the housekeeper said. ‘I think she’s American.’

  My heart caught with fright as I told the children to go with the housekeeper. Sheila had come, just as I had expected after reading that newspaper article that morning.

  I went into the sitting room. Sheila was standing by the window, looking out at the street. I knew she must have seen us come in. She turned to me and smiled, and I saw she was wearing a very smart costume, similar to the one she had been wearing in her photograph. Her shoes were made of the finest leather, and her hat was both smart and attractive. Her hair looked lighter, as though she had had it rinsed to an ash blonde, but it had been done professionally and did not look cheap or tarty. She was wearing a large diamond ring as well as her wedding ring, and looked very comfortable with her new status.

  ‘Hello, Emma,’ she said. ‘Are you pleased to see me?’

  ‘That depends on why you’ve come,’ I replied. ‘Lizzy is very happy here with us, Sheila. I wouldn’t be very happy if you wanted to take her away from us.’

  Sheila laughed. She looked attractive and well, much more like the girl who had come into my father’s shop in March to buy her favourite toffee pieces than she had when I’d last seen her, but with a confidence she had never had in those days.

  ‘Good grief, no,’ she said. ‘Todd has no idea Lizzy exists. I just wanted to make sure she was OK, that’s all. I couldn’t possibly have her with me. Todd doesn’t want children; it would interfere with his career. We travel all the time, Emma. We shall be here for several weeks while Todd is on stage in London, and down in Bournemouth. He’s starring in a seaside show.’ Her eyes met mine. ‘You did know he’s a famous singer these days, didn’t you?’

  ‘Yes, I had heard it from Jane Melcher, but I didn’t realize how successful he was until I saw your photograph in the paper this morning.’ I was relaxed now, my fears receding. ‘Have you got time to see Lizzy? She and James have been singing in their school concert. I took them to tea afterwards. If I’d known you were coming, I would have come straight home.’

  ‘I didn’t mind waiting,’ Sheila said. ‘I’ve got nothing much to do for a few days. Todd is still in Paris. He will be here next Tuesday. I came on ahead to make sure of hotel bookings and things …’ She hesitated, then, ‘I wondered if I could take Lizzy away for a couple of days, Emma. You and James could come too if you like?’

  ‘They don’t finish school until Friday, and I have to fetch Jon home from hospital on Sunday …’ I saw the flicker of disappointment in her eyes and made a swift decision. ‘I could send a note to their school, I suppose. We could go tomorrow morning, and come back on Saturday afternoon if you like? It would only be two days …’

  ‘Bless you,’ Sheila said. ‘I wouldn’t blame you if you thought I was a rotten mother and refused to let me near Lizzy … but I have missed her.’

  ‘I understand, Sheila. It was your chance and you took it. Besides, I’ve loved having Lizzy with us. She’s like a daughter to me – though of course I know she isn’t mine’

  ‘You haven’t had any more children?’

  ‘No, I haven’t.’ I kept my smile in place. It wasn’t so very hard, even though there was a secret hurt deep inside me. ‘Not yet. Things have been difficult with Jon in hospital on and off …’

  ‘It must have been a shock for you when you heard he was still alive,’ Sheila said, then blushed as my brows rose. ‘I met Jane Melcher at a charity concert in New York once. She told me about Jon, and the sacrifice you’d made.’

  ‘It wasn’t a sacrifice, Sheila. I love Jon. He is a wonderful man.’

  Sheila nodded. ‘Well, Jane seemed to think you were some kind of saint.’ She shrugged her shoulders. ‘Have you seen my cousin Annie recently? I went back to her old house, but someone said she’d moved ages ago.’

  ‘Yes, I know. She and her family live in a prefab. Her eldest daughter works for me, and the younger ones are going to start when they leave school. Annie manages one of the shops for me now. She could only do a few hours to begin with, but now works a full day.’

  ‘Can you give me her address?’

  ‘Yes, of course. I’m sure she would like to see you.’

  ‘I’m not too sure about that. The last time I saw her she said she was finished with me for good – but perhaps she will think differently now. Anyway, you and me can talk to our hearts’ content this next two days.’ Sheila grinned at me. ‘Where shall we go?’

  ‘We can’t go too far,’ I said, ‘or we’ll spend all our time travelling. I’ll think about it, Sheila, perhaps ring a few hotels, see where we can get booked in at short notice.’

  ‘And you’ll talk to Lizzy,’ Sheila said, looking a bit awkward. ‘Explain that it’s just a little holiday …’

  ‘Yes, I’ll tell her,’ I said. ‘Don’t worry, Sheila. You haven’t seen Lizzy and James together yet. They are close friends and it would have upset them both had you wanted to take her away.’

  ‘I knew she would be all right with you,’ Sheila said, her awkwardness vanishing. ‘I told you to put her in a home if you didn’t want her, but I knew you wouldn’t.’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘I would never do that …’

  ‘So all’s well that ends well,’ Sheila said. ‘I can give you money towards her keep now, Emma.’

  ‘Perhaps you can send her some pocket money,’ I replied. ‘I’ll leave that to you and Lizzy …’

  ‘You’re a glutton for punishment,’ Sol exclaimed when I told him I was taking two days off for a short holiday with Sheila and the children. He frowned at me. ‘She’ll let you down again, Emma. You would be a fool to trust her.’

  ‘No, I don’t think she will do anything to harm me or Lizzy,’ I replied. ‘Sheila had a bad time during the war, that’s all. She sent Lizzy to me when she went off with Todd because we were friends, and that shows she trusted me to look after her. I think she will be straight with me now.’

  Sol shook his head, clearly unconvinced.

  My mother was even more forthright when I telephoned her with my news.

  ‘Have you lost your wits, Emma? That woman used you before, and she will do so again. You should have more sense!’

  ‘What Sheila did hasn’t harmed me. I’ve loved having Lizzy live with us. And the rest of it is water under the bridge, Mum. Anyway, how are you – and Bert?’

  My mother’s second husband was the best thing that had ever happened to her. After enduring years of unhappi
ness tied to my father, she had married her first love just before the start of the war. Unfortunately, Bert Fitch had been having bronchial trouble for the last few winters, which had left his chest a bit weak, and I knew Mum worried about his health.

  ‘He’s a little better this morning,’ she said. ‘But he’s not the man he was a few years back, Emma. He gets terrible tightness in his chest, and the coughing pulls him down sometimes.’

  ‘I was going to ask if you wanted to come when I take the children on their proper holiday next month. You and Bert – or you on your own – but you won’t feel like leaving him?’

  ‘We’ll see,’ she said. ‘I wouldn’t mind a holiday, and it would do Bert good to be by the sea for a few days. Where were you thinking of going?’

  ‘I thought I might take a house – somewhere in Cornwall.’

  ‘I see …’ She sounded interested, Sheila forgotten. ‘A house in Cornwall … that would be lovely. All together as a family. I’ll definitely give it some thought, Emma.’

  I was smiling as we hung up. Mum had been feeling a little down recently. Her own health had never been really good, but she’d been so much better since she married Bert. She came to stay with me in London sometimes, and I took James down to stay with her in my home town of March. There wasn’t much going on in the small Cambridgeshire market town, but I liked visiting my friends, and there were the three shops to consider.

  My father’s sister looked after them for me on a day to day basis. She had discovered a talent for shop keeping after her own mother died, and I never bothered to do more than check on our stock levels so that I knew what to send Madge Henty, my partner in the dress shop, and for the children’s wear shop, which was just next door. Gwen ran that, and the newsagent and tobacconist shop that had been my father’s, like clockwork.

  I would have asked Gwen if she would like to come with us to Cornwall, but I knew she would be too busy. Besides, she preferred to live her own life, and I knew she had made a lot of friends in March. She had her own little car now, and Mum had hinted that she might be courting. She had already told me that she was going to close the shop for ten days in July while she had a holiday in Yarmouth.

  It was a long time since I’d taken the children anywhere other than to my mother’s or to stay in Hunstanton at Pam’s sister’s boarding house. They were excited at the prospect of going away for two days, though Lizzy had pulled a face when I told her her mother was coming with us.

  ‘Don’t want her to come,’ she said, a look of apprehension in her eyes. ‘I want to stay with you and James. Don’t let her take me away, Emmie. I don’t want to leave you.’

  ‘She won’t take you away,’ James said fiercely, but with an anxious look in my direction. ‘We shan’t let her – shall we, Mum?’

  ‘Lizzy’s mother doesn’t want to take her away,’ I reassured them with a smile. ‘She has just come on a short visit, and she wants to have a little time with Lizzy. We’ll all be together. I’m not sending you on your own, Lizzy.’

  Lizzy came to me, clinging to the full skirt of my dress. ‘I love you, Emmie, and James. I never want to leave you.’

  ‘Not even when I punish you by not letting you go to the pictures?’

  She gazed up at me, her eyes wide and earnest. ‘Not even then. I like living here with you and James.’

  ‘Then I expect you will stay with us,’ I said. ‘But you might change your mind when you see your own mother again, Lizzy.’

  She shook her head, a look of determination on her face.

  ‘Lizzy can’t go away. I want her here.’

  James had that mutinous expression in his eyes, and a hint of accusation hung about him, as though he were blaming me for something. It did not seem to matter how often I showed my love for James, there was always that little bit of uncertainty in his mind.

  It was my fault, I knew that. I had allowed him to learn to love Jack Harvey and he would always blame me for sending his daddy away. Looking back I saw how hard that must have been for him. And of course I was not always around when he needed me.

  ‘I want her here, too,’ I said, ‘but Sheila is Lizzy’s mother. She has a right to see her sometimes, darling. Lizzy isn’t your sister; she is your friend. You must accept that, even though she lives with us, she might have to leave one day.’

  James didn’t answer, but his mouth had set in a hard line. I knew there would be trouble if Sheila did try to part them.

  However, I need not have worried. I had booked into a small but prestigious hotel in Southend-on-Sea, and we took the children down on the train. Sheila bought them sweets, colouring books, crayons and a box of puzzles for the journey, which kept them amused. By the time we arrived Lizzy’s hostility towards her mother had faded.

  We spent the next two days spoiling them both. We took them on the pier, letting them play with the penny slot machines as much as they liked, bought them fish and chips wrapped in newspaper to eat on the beach, ice creams and sticks of peppermint rock.

  James went on the donkeys, but Lizzy thought they were smelly creatures and would only watch from a safe distance.

  During the day, our time was devoted to the children. The weather was kind to us, the sun warm enough to make it pleasant to sit in a sheltered spot on the beach or pier. We took the children shopping on Friday morning. Sheila bought Lizzy some pretty shoes and a new dress, and I bought James a new engine for his train set, which was so magnificent that it took up half the floor of the playroom at home.

  When they were safely in bed on the Friday evening, Sheila and I sat in the hotel lounge and talked. The years seemed to roll back as we laughed about the time we had gone to the church social, me with Richard Gillows and Sheila with the man who was to become her first husband.

  ‘That all seems part of another world, like something out of the dark ages,’ Sheila said. ‘My life is so much better these days, Emma – and it’s all due to you.’

  ‘Why? I should have thought it was for an entirely different reason.’

  ‘Oh, yes, it’s because of Todd, too,’ she agreed, catching the teasing smile in my eyes. ‘I really care about him, Emma – and he loves me. He’s so jealous. I daren’t look at another man …’

  ‘I shouldn’t have thought you’d want to?’

  ‘No, of course I don’t – but you know what I mean.’ She looked a bit like the cat who had found the cream. ‘I’m so lucky now – and I might never have met Todd if you hadn’t made me help out at the social club during the war.’

  ‘According to Pam, you didn’t do much helping,’ I said, and laughed. ‘But I do know what you mean, Sheila. It’s funny how things work out, isn’t it? You’ve helped me, and I’ve helped you – that’s what friends are for.’

  ‘Yes, I suppose I did help you a bit when you were having a bad time with Richard,’ she said. ‘But I know I owe you, Emma. If there’s ever anything I can do …’

  ‘I’ll know where to come,’ I replied. ‘All I want is for you to let Lizzy stay with us, at least until the children are older. James would be so upset if you took her away.’

  ‘I told you, Todd doesn’t know about her,’ Sheila said. ‘I couldn’t have her with me if I wanted but …’ She looked at me oddly, slightly apprehensive, as if unsure of my reaction. ‘I wouldn’t mind doing this again one day. And I would like to send her things now and then … if you don’t mind?’

  ‘No, I don’t mind,’ I said. ‘I think it would be …’

  The words died on my lips as I glanced across the room. Three men had just entered, and one of them was someone I knew well. The sight of him made my heart beat wildly. He was every bit as darkly handsome as he’d always been, though he looked older, a sprinkling of silver at his temples, but all the power, all the magnetism was still there.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Sheila asked, looking at me in concern. ‘You’ve gone as white as a sheet.’ She turned to look over her shoulder, then nodded as she saw the reason for my shocked expression. ‘The man in
the grey striped suit – that’s Jack Harvey, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yes …’ I felt breathless. ‘Yes, that’s Jack …’

  The protests were drumming in my brain. What was Jack doing here, in this hotel? Why couldn’t he have chosen somewhere else? How could Fate be so cruel as to let him walk in here just when I’d chosen to come for a couple of days?

  I prayed he wouldn’t see me. I hoped desperately he would leave again without glancing towards the settee near the window where I was sitting, but my prayers were in vain.

  Jack was looking straight at me. He was frowning, his expression cold as ice. I thought he seemed angry, unforgiving. He stared at me for some seconds, our eyes meeting briefly before mine dropped, then he turned and spoke to one of his companions.

  I watched from beneath lowered lashes as the three men walked out of the room together. Jack did not look at me again as he left. For a moment I felt as if I had been struck across the face.

  ‘Well, that was a bit rude of him,’ Sheila remarked. ‘He might have come across to say hello.’

  ‘We had an argument before he left to go back to America,’ I said, feeling sick and shaken. ‘It was after the invasion of Europe, but before the war was really finished. He said then that there was nothing left to say – obviously he didn’t want to speak to me.’

  ‘He might have nodded or something,’ Sheila said, looking concerned. ‘Are you all right? He has upset you, hasn’t he?’

  ‘Yes …’ I took a deep breath to stop myself shaking. ‘It was just the shock of seeing him like that. I had no idea he was in the country. I haven’t heard from him – or of him – for years.’

  Sheila hesitated, then, ‘So you didn’t know he was married?’

  ‘Married?’ My heart twisted with pain. There was no reason why Jack should not have married, of course, but it was a shock and I hadn’t expected the news to hurt so much. ‘No, I hadn’t heard.’ I swallowed hard, my throat dry. ‘When … how long?’