The Hearts That Hold

by Rosie Clarke

  ‘Emmie …’ Lizzy hesitated, looking at me awkwardly. ‘Do we have to have James with us on Saturday? I mean, if you’re going to fetch us … we shall be quite safe. I promise I shan’t do anything you wouldn’t like. Really, I won’t.’

  ‘It isn’t that I don’t trust you, darling,’ I reassured her. ‘It’s just that I feel safer if James is with you.’

  Lizzy’s expression seemed to indicate that wasn’t so, but she didn’t push the subject. They had always been so close that it seemed strange this rift had appeared between them.

  ‘Have you quarrelled with him?’

  ‘No, not exactly,’ she said. ‘I love James, you know I do – but sometimes he seems as if he wants to own me …’

  ‘I think he is just being protective of you, Lizzy.’

  ‘He is always trying to put my friends off …’

  ‘You mean that boy who used to come calling for you on a motorbike last year?’ Lizzy nodded. ‘He was concerned that you might have an accident,’ I said and touched her cheek fondly. ‘I’ve always told him to look after you, darling. It’s only natural he should feel responsible.’

  Again, I saw something in Lizzy’s eyes that seemed to disagree with me, but she didn’t say any more.

  I left her to get changed into the figure-hugging blue denim jeans she usually wore in the holidays and went downstairs. Her favourites at the moment were a pair of faded pedal pushers that stopped short half way down her calves. My mother was horrified by some of the clothes Lizzy wore, but I knew it was the fashion for young girls these days.

  James was in front of the television in the sitting room, watching a programme on underwater exploration.

  ‘Jacques Cousteau’s work is brilliant,’ James said as I entered the room. He gave an exclamation of annoyance as I walked over to the television and switched it off. ‘What did you do that for? I was interested in his techniques.’

  ‘I’m sure there will be another opportunity for you to watch him,’ I replied. ‘Besides, you have your own set upstairs. No! I don’t want you to leave, James. I need to talk to you …’

  It was the height of extravagance that he should have his own TV, of course. Yet another expensive gift from Jack, and delivered to the house without my permission being sought!

  ‘Ah, I see. When you use that tone we had all better sit up and take notice.’ He arched his eyebrows at me. ‘Now what have I done to upset you, Ma?’

  I sighed inwardly. It was not easy to understand what went on in the mind of this angry young man.

  ‘I’m not sure you’ve done anything, James. I’m sorry if you were really interested in that programme, but I do want to talk to you – please?’

  ‘Of course. I’m always happy to talk to my mother …’

  He stretched out in his chair, long legs crossed nonchalantly, waving his arm in an airy motion. James had left his sulky schoolboy image behind long ago. He could be very charming when he chose, and his smile was attractive, but I was always aware of something simmering beneath the surface. When I looked at him these days I was reminded more and more of his father. Paul’s smile had been very appealing, his manner charming – but he had been a selfish man. I hoped my son would not turn out to be the same.

  ‘Tell me what I can do for you?’

  ‘It’s Lizzy,’ I replied. ‘I’m a little concerned about this concert tomorrow. Apparently, she and Tina have been invited backstage …’

  ‘I shall keep an eye on them,’ James said. ‘Don’t worry, Ma. I shan’t let that greasy yobo touch her.’

  ‘James! That isn’t the kind of language I expect from a young man who went to the best private schools.’

  ‘It’s what he is,’ James said, and frowned. ‘I don’t know what Lizzy sees in him. He isn’t good enough for her. Nowhere near good enough to clean her shoes.’

  ‘You haven’t told Lizzy that?’

  ‘Of course I have. She knows I don’t approve of her going around with that type.’

  I stared at him, feeling surprised by his attitude. Was my son turning into a snob?

  ‘He doesn’t have to be bad for her just because he plays in a Rock and Roll band. I’m sure there are some very nice young men in the music business; they don’t all have to be disreputable. I’ve seen the TV shows, and it all seems a lot of fun to me at these concerts.’

  James laughed. ‘That’s because you don’t know what goes on, Ma. I know that sort – they’re either into drugs or they drink far too much. Believe me, this Moon fellow is a bad influence.’

  ‘Lizzy says you dislike most of her boyfriends …’

  ‘She attracts the wrong sort,’ James said, his expression a little mutinous and reminding me of his tantrums when he was a sulky child. ‘You don’t want her to get into trouble – do you, Ma?’

  ‘I’m sure Lizzy is much too sensible.’ I felt a flicker of anxiety as I remembered that Sheila had been rather foolish over men as a young woman. ‘I was merely concerned that she shouldn’t be taken advantage of – and that you two seemed to have fallen out recently.’

  ‘It’s not serious,’ James said and smiled again. ‘Lizzy is just going through a phase, Ma. She will grow out of it in time – and then she’ll see that I’m right.’

  He was so lordly, so sure of himself.

  ‘Don’t you think that sort of attitude is like waving a red rag to a bull, James? It’s bound to make Lizzy cross. Couldn’t you try to like at least some of her friends?’

  ‘When she finds some decent ones,’ he said, then stood up. ‘I think I’ll go upstairs and watch TV in my room. Unless there is anything else you want to talk about?’

  ‘No, I don’t think so …’ I fumed inwardly. Had Jack asked first, I would never have permitted James to have a TV set. It was unheard of! But necessary for his future career I was told when I had protested.

  I sighed as my son left the room. James had been difficult as a child, but loving and loveable. Sometimes now, I hardly knew him. He was very adult, very sophisticated for an eighteen year old – and very sure that he was right. I acknowledged that was partly my fault. I had always been so busy working. Perhaps I had allowed him to have his own way too much? Or was I guilty of neglect? Had I been too selfish? I had always believed I was doing what was best for us all, but now I felt that somewhere along the way I had lost my son.

  I glanced at my watch. It was eleven o’clock, and time for me to leave for the shop. I delegated much of the work these days to my managers, but I still preferred to be there when new stock was being ordered – particularly if it was a supplier we had not used before.

  I had been contacted by a firm who supplied cashmere knitwear. It was based in Scotland, but they had recently employed a representative for the London area. I had barely glanced at their letter, but my knitwear manager had arranged an appointment for this morning. Although I would probably not be directly involved in the buying, I wanted to be there to look at the merchandize. Once I was satisfied that we wanted to stock the goods, I would leave the ordering to my manager.

  I was thoughtful as I took the underground into the centre of town. The traffic was getting too bad to bother with taxis these days, and I didn’t want to walk because it looked as if it might rain.

  Over the past nine years, my main store had gradually acquired a reputation for quality. It was this rather than anything else that had built up the business to the extent where I had had to think of moving to larger premises. I hadn’t yet made up my mind to do so, because I was already in the position of having accumulated more money than I should ever need. I was thirty-seven now, and not sure that I wanted to go on expanding my business empire further. I seemed to have spent most of my life working, and I had begun to wonder if it was time for a change, time to take things a little easier.

  There were days when I did not always want to work and thought it would be nice to go away more often. I had not yet bought myself a house in France. There had seemed no real point when Sheila invited us all to stay
every year – but perhaps I would think about it soon.

  I had four shops in London, besides the three shops in March, and the property itself had increased in value considerably. But did I want more? I could not feel it would really benefit me.

  It would have been different if James had shown an interest in taking over the business one day, but he was set against it.

  ‘I’m going to concentrate on still photography for a few years,’ he had told me quite recently. ‘I want to travel, Ma – and then perhaps I’ll settle down in Hollywood and become a director. I’ve spoken to Jack, and he feels I would benefit from the chance to see more action … I could do that as a freelance photographer and sell my work to magazines.’

  Lizzy had not yet told me what she wanted to do when she left school. She had said she wanted to stay on and take her exams, and I thought she had definite ideas in mind, but as yet she hadn’t told anyone what they were.

  ‘I don’t want to be an actress, Emmie,’ she had confided to me when she was fifteen. ‘James is cross with me. He says if I’m not an actress, I could be a model – but I don’t want to pose for the camera all the time. I want to do something more worthwhile with my life – something to help people.’

  I had asked her what she meant, but she’d shaken her head and said she wasn’t sure yet. She just knew she wanted to finish her school education, and perhaps go on to college.

  Both James and Lizzy were bright, intelligent young people. I had given them as interesting a childhood as was possible. It hadn’t been easy at first. The war had cast a blight over this country for several years. It had been July 1954 before all forms of rationing finally ended, but since then things had changed fast. In the last few years travel had become much easier.

  James had flown to New York by himself when he was sixteen. He had fallen in love with the way of life over there, and I knew it was only a matter of months before he left home – perhaps for good.

  I would make this summer special, I decided as I reached the store. It was not really necessary for me to be here the whole time. I employed a small army of staff these days. I would leave them to get on with the job I paid them to do, and take the children to France.

  We could hire a car and drive down to the south of the country, and perhaps I would look for a house somewhere. My mother might not be well enough to come with us, but Sol would keep an eye on her for me. He was very fond of her, and they spent a lot of time together these days, talking, playing cards and watching the television I had bought mainly for Mum’s sake. I hardly ever had time to sit down and watch it.

  Yes, I would definitely take at least a month or six weeks off this year … I smiled to myself as I got into the lift that would take me up to the knitwear department.

  I was still smiling as I walked towards the office where my manager would be asking to see the first samples. I was five minutes late, but that was not enough to matter. No decisions would have been made as yet.

  ‘I’m sorry I’m late, Steven,’ I said. ‘Would you mind starting again, Mr … Paul!’

  I stared in shocked surprise as the knitwear salesman turned to look at me. Surely it could not be Paul? And yet it was. The past thirteen years had aged him; his dark hair was heavily streaked with silver, but otherwise he looked much the same as when I had last seen him towards the end of the war.

  Before the war he had been an architect, a qualified civil engineer – what was he doing in a job like this? It was quite a come down for him in the world.

  ‘Emma …’ Paul looked slightly embarrassed, uncomfortable. ‘Or should I call you Mrs Reece? When they told me to come for this appointment I didn’t realize you were the owner – until Mr Barker told me a moment ago.’

  ‘How nice to see you again, Paul,’ I said, offering my hand. I glanced at my manager. ‘Mr Greenslade and I knew each other years ago. Please go on as you were. I would like to approve the merchandize as usual; then I’ll leave it to you, Steven.’

  A large suitcase was open on the desk. After one puzzled glance at me, Paul resumed the sales patter he had been giving my manager. I watched as he displayed the various jumpers, twinsets and cardigans on offer. Steven examined various articles, then passed them to me.

  They were well-made, quality garments and would fit with our range well. I nodded my approval.

  ‘Are they competitive on price, Steven?’

  ‘Yes, Mrs Reece. Not cheap, but I think we could sell this twinset – and these crew neck jumpers. I’m not sure about the roll neck; they seem expensive for what they are.’

  ‘Then I’ll leave it to you to order what you think.’ I nodded to Paul, a polite smile on my face. ‘Perhaps you would come to my office before you leave? If you have time before your next appointment?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’ Paul was looking very much more comfortable now. Had he been afraid I would throw him out without an order? I suspected that this job was important to him. ‘I have no further appointments until later this afternoon.’

  ‘Steven will tell you where to find me.’

  I walked away from Steven’s office, feeling slightly confused. It had been a shock seeing Paul like that so suddenly.

  I was sitting at my desk, staring unseeingly at a sheaf of letters that needed attention, when Paul knocked then put his head round the door.

  ‘May I come in?’

  ‘Yes, please do,’ I said and smiled at him. ‘Come and sit down, Paul. I hope you didn’t mind my asking you up here? I thought perhaps we should talk.’

  ‘Yes, that thought occurred to me, too,’ Paul replied. He laid his brown trilby on the desk and sat down, crossing his legs. The awkward manner had vanished and he was more like the man I remembered. ‘First of all, I wanted you to know that I have not discussed our … friendship with any member of your staff, and shall not do so in the future.’

  ‘Thank you, I prefer that it remains private.’

  ‘Yes, I imagined you would. It was a little difficult just now. I wasn’t sure how you would react when you saw me; it could have been embarrassing for us both.’

  ‘I was surprised to find you in the office,’ I said. ‘It isn’t the kind of job I would expect you to be doing, Paul.’

  ‘It is a case of needs must when the devil drives,’ he replied with a rueful laugh. ‘I was in business for myself in America until a few months ago. Unfortunately, things went wrong. I was ill. I let the business slide – and I ended up going bankrupt.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Paul. That was unlucky.’

  He hesitated, then decided to be frank with me. ‘It was my own fault. I started to drink after my wife and daughter … were killed in a car accident. It got so bad that I couldn’t cope.’

  ‘Oh, Paul!’ I was shocked and upset. ‘What a terrible thing to happen – no wonder you couldn’t concentrate on your business.’

  He shrugged, but his eyes were bleak, reflecting the pain and trauma he had suffered.

  ‘It knocked me for six I can tell you. After everything went wrong, I spent some time recovering in a clinic for alcoholics – apparently that’s what I am these days, Emma. I’m not allowed to touch wine or spirits …’

  ‘I see …’ I felt sympathy for him. ‘Is that why you took a job as salesman, because you didn’t feel up to doing your own work?’

  ‘Something like that …’ His eyes didn’t quite meet mine and I sensed that there was more. ‘This is just temporary, until I’m on my feet again.’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘About James …’ He hesitated, then gathered his courage. ‘I don’t like to ask – but is there some way I could see him? Just see him, and talk to him as a casual acquaintance. I’m not asking for anything more, Emma. It’s much too late for me to be a father to him now.’

  ‘It was too late a long time ago,’ I said. ‘James believes Jon was his father, but there is someone else who has been like a father to him …’

  ‘You married again after Jon died?’

  ‘No, no I didn
’t – but my son has a good friend.’ I met Paul’s intent gaze. ‘James isn’t always an easy person, Paul. I think he would be very angry if he knew that the name of his natural father had been kept from him all these years.’

  ‘I just want to see him, Emma. Surely that isn’t too much to ask?’

  I thought about it for a few moments. Paul had no real rights where James was concerned, but given the tragic circumstances that had robbed him of his family there was cause for considering his request.

  ‘No, it isn’t too much … providing you give me your word you won’t tell James that you are his father. You won’t say or do anything to make him suspicious.’

  ‘I give you my word, Emma,’ he said eagerly. ‘I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. I’ve wished a thousand times that I’d been here when you needed me. I should have married you …’

  ‘I’m not sure we should have suited, besides it was all so long ago,’ I said. ‘If you would like, you may come to lunch on Sunday. I shall make sure James is home. As far as he is concerned, you are just an old friend. You must accept that, Paul. It is for James’s sake as much as anything. I don’t want him to be upset.’

  ‘Yes, of course I accept. I am very grateful, Emma. I’ll be there at twelve-thirty on Sunday.’

  ‘You know where I live?’

  ‘Is it the same place as during the war?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Then I know,’ Paul said. ‘Thank you for giving me your trust, Emma. I shan’t abuse it.’

  ‘Then you will be welcome,’ I said. ‘I cannot guarantee what your reception will be like as far as James is concerned. Sometimes he takes to people, sometimes he doesn’t.’

  ‘I’ve thought of him so often – and you,’ Paul replied. ‘I was feeling very low when I came here this morning, but you’ve helped me in two ways. My firm was keen to get an order from your store, and now I have Sunday to look forward to. I must thank you for that, Emma.’