The Impossible Vastness of Us

by Samantha Young

  He made a face at the photo as he sat back down and to my mortification Finn leaned over to check out the picture. His face went completely blank.

  Gabe handed Bryce her phone back. “You two looked awfully cozy, India.”

  “You’re not her keeper, Gabe,” Charlotte snapped, two little splotches of red coloring her cheeks.

  He looked surprised by her attack. “I know that.”

  “Well, leave her alone. She’s allowed to date. You’re not her boyfriend!” At that she stood up, leaving her food, and flounced away with more indignation than the situation warranted. Although I had to wonder if her frustration was actually masking jealousy.

  “Um...what was that?” Gabe asked.

  “She’s probably PMSing.” Bryce waved away the incident.

  “Bryce!” Eloise hissed.

  “What? She’s seriously melodramatic and all teenage angst during her time of the month. It’s irritating.”

  Eloise looked at her like she was scum water, and I was guessing my expression wasn’t far off the same. “Where are your manners?” she huffed, and stood up, rushing to catch up with Charlotte.

  Bryce rolled her eyes. “Such drama today.”

  “Why are you being a bitch?” Joshua snapped before he took off.

  “What?” Bryce threw up her hands. “So I’m bored. Look at these photos.” She waved her phone at me. “You had more fun at a terrible, dirty party in, ugh, California than I’ve had in ages.”

  “So you decide to piss off half your friends?” Gabe sighed. “I’m out.” He got up and took off in the direction of the others.

  Apparently irritating the unshakable Gabe seemed to snap Bryce out of her mean girl stupor and she hurried from the table to catch up with him.

  That left me with Finn.

  I frowned at all the food that had been left behind, feeling anxiety build as I tried to figure out what to do with it.

  “Charlotte’s mother started dating Bryce’s father,” Finn suddenly said. “That’s what’s really going on.”

  “Oh.” I knew from talking to Eloise that Bryce’s parents were divorced, too. “That’s a problem?” I glanced at Bryce’s nearly full plate of tuna pasta salad. Maybe I could get a box or something from the lunch workers and get it to Bryce later.

  “Charlotte’s mother is the first woman Bryce’s father has dated since the divorce. Eloise says Bryce isn’t dealing with it too well and has been taking it out on Charlotte.”

  “That’s tough.” I winced in sympathy and then flinched at the table. Eloise’s sandwich was half-eaten. That didn’t bother me as much as Bryce’s and Charlotte’s entire trays of food...they may have to go in the trash. My knee started to bounce at the thought.

  “Why are you staring at all the food?” Finn said.

  I glanced over at him, feeling a little mortified I’d been obvious.

  Oh, what the hell. I’d told him pretty much everything else.

  “My dad... I went hungry a lot. I have a thing about wasted food.” I shrugged like it was no big deal.

  Concern warmed Finn’s eyes. “Oh.” He looked at Bryce’s and Charlotte’s trays. “Okay. One second.”

  Bemused, I watched as he got up, lifted a tray in each hand and sauntered toward the back of the cafeteria where a few guys on the boys’ rugby team were eating. He said something to them and the boys grinned and gestured to the trays. Finn set them down and the guys descended on the food like wolves.

  Something sweet and beautiful swept over me as Finn walked back over. He slipped back into his seat. “Better?”

  Stop making me feel this way, Finn.

  “Yes. Thank you,” I said, grateful. “For that and for not thinking I’m a giant weirdo.”

  “I think you’re extraordinary.”

  Words have this power over us. I knew that.

  My father’s words had the power to cripple me. For so long they made me think less of myself.

  At school in California, kids were complimentary most of the time, and whether it was sincere or fake I used those words to build my self-esteem back up. They became a defense against negativity.

  Words were what I was looking for from Hayley. Magical words that didn’t exist.

  And Finn’s words—given sincerely and by someone like him—for a moment washed all the bad ones away.

  It was obvious from the way he flushed and looked anywhere but at me that the words had just slipped out. Which kind of made them more special. “So...uh, you had a lot of fun back in California, huh?”

  Now I was uncomfortable with the new subject. “Yeah. I miss my friends there.”

  “So that guy?”

  I glanced around us to make sure no one was listening. “Finn...”

  “I’m just asking a question.” Was he mad at me?

  That wasn’t fair.

  “Jay and I weren’t serious. We don’t even talk anymore. Not that we shouldn’t, if we wanted to,” I reminded him gently.

  He glanced away.

  We sat there, not moving even though one of us should have gotten up and left.

  “I hate this,” he said.

  I didn’t have to ask what “this” was.

  He abruptly pushed back from the table.

  I watched him stride out of the cafeteria, wondering why everything had to be so impossible.

  * * *

  Somehow we all got through the next week. The heated antagonism between Bryce and Charlotte cooled a little, although there was definitely still awkwardness between them. I didn’t know Charlotte had it in her to be openly pissed at her friends, and I was kind of impressed that she’d be so confrontational and opinionated, when all along I’d thought she was more of the sheep type.

  On a positive note Gabe was certainly paying a lot of attention to her, giving her a shoulder to cry on. I wondered how it was that no one else could see those two could be perfect for each other if Gabe would only open up those pretty eyes of his.

  As for Finn and me...well, I didn’t let myself think about that.

  “Nope,” I said, shoving him right out of my thoughts as I stood in front of the mirror in my dressing room. For a second I’d contemplated what he’d think of me in this dress. “Butt out, demon,” I joked to myself.

  Time as a junior seemed to be moving at warp speed. Before I knew it, it was November already and I still hadn’t made it out to California to see my old friends.

  Now the evening of Hayley and Theo’s engagement party had arrived.

  It was our debut into society as a family and Hayley’s nervous energy was a little catching. She was always so giddy and chirpy about the wedding and Theo that I almost forgot that she was as new to this place as I was. I knew she desperately wanted to be accepted as Theo’s fiancée, and it would help if her daughter acted like a loving, mature teenager for the evening.

  I could do mature and if not exactly loving, then at least better than distant.

  All my new friends would, of course, be at the party, along with some other people from school Eloise had invited.

  “India?”

  I turned slowly around as Hayley appeared in the doorway to my dressing room.

  As always, she looked amazing in her figure-hugging emerald green dress. Her beauty hurt me because if we were a regular mom and daughter that beauty would be just one more thing that would make me proud to walk at her side.

  She smiled at me as she took in my dress. “You look beautiful, sweetheart.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “You, too.”

  Her smile widened.

  Things had definitely been a little better between us lately. After the whole revelation about Finn and his dad, I realized how much I took out on Hayley—even the stuff that wasn’t her fault—and I guessed it wasn
’t fair to make her my emotional punching bag any more than it had been fair of my dad to do that to me.

  “Black isn’t a statement about how you feel about this wedding, though, right?” Hayley teased.

  I was wearing a black lace cocktail dress with long sleeves, a high neckline and a pretty short hemline. “Not at all.” I grinned and then I wrinkled my nose in thought as I brushed my hands down the front of the dress. “It’s not too short for you?”

  She contemplated the hemline and then shook her head. “No, you look perfect. You look like a young woman and that makes me feel old, but you look perfect.”

  “You don’t look old and you know it.”

  Hayley laughed and placed her hands on her hips and struck a pose. “I try my best.”

  I smiled and followed her out of the room and into the hall. Theo was coming toward us, looking dapper in his tux. Hayley immediately gravitated toward him.

  “So are we doing this thing?” I said.

  “Yes. Eloise’s holding the fort downstairs.” Theo gestured for me to take the stairs first. “You both look lovely, by the way.”

  I muttered my thanks, listening to Hayley compliment Theo. He whispered something in her ear that made her giggle like a little girl and I just stopped myself from rolling my eyes as we descended the stairs to where the party was already in full swing.

  Eloise stood in the large entrance greeting guests as they arrived at the door. Hayley had hired staff for the party—staff to take and check people’s jackets, catering and waitstaff.

  There had been people in and out of the house all day decorating and setting up. There were simple fairy lights twisted around the banister of the staircase, and sprinkled in the vines and glittering reeds that had been placed in large silver vases throughout the front of the house. Out back along the pool lit candles were everywhere, creating a romantic outdoor space that no one would use because it was too cold to stand out there in formal wear. Music from the classical trio she’d hired played from the middle of the house in the sitting room.

  Waitstaff passed through the guests carrying trays of hors d’oeuvres and glasses of champagne.

  I was about to make my way over to Eloise when I noted the tall figure beside her and halted.

  Finn.

  Crap.

  Hayley almost stumbled into me. “Are you all right?” She frowned.

  “Sure. Just wondering where Gabe and the others are.” I peered into the informal sitting room but I couldn’t see anyone I recognized.

  “I’ll send over Eloise and Finn.” She patted my arm and moved away with Theo at her side to take over greeting the guests.

  Well, damn.

  Feeling stuck, I waited as Finn and Eloise moved over to me. I felt Finn’s gaze but tried to ignore it. Eloise looked beautiful in a red silk dress. She was standing close to Finn, staring around the room with an almost dazed expression.

  “You okay?” I said.

  “Champagne,” she muttered in answer, and grabbed a glass off the tray of a passing waiter, drinking it in one huge gulp so, I assumed, our parents wouldn’t catch her.

  “Not okay, then?”

  “She’s probably just realized that you’re definitely going to be her stepsister.” Bryce’s wry voice reached us before she did. She sidled up to Eloise, slipping her hand around her friend’s waist. “I’m here for you, darling.”

  I rolled my eyes at her mocking but Eloise barely seemed to register it.

  Joshua strode around to stand beside Finn. “Where’s Gabe and Charlotte?”

  “Not here yet,” Finn said.

  “I think he said he was going to bring her.”

  “Yeah?” I asked, wondering if perhaps Gabe was finally seeing the light.

  “Yes, dear Gabe has been awfully sweet to Charlotte while her tramp of a mother seduces my father.” Bryce sneered.

  Joshua shook his head in what was definitely near disgust. “I need a drink.”

  “A lot of that going around,” Finn murmured.

  Our eyes met and we shared a bemused smile before I remembered where we were and looked away.

  * * *

  It could have turned into an enjoyable night.

  Patrick Donaghue was there, being all attentive and cute.

  But everywhere I went there was Eloise alternating between champagne and the giant glasses of water Charlotte kept force-feeding her.

  Mostly, however, there was Finn.

  Staring at me with those soulful eyes, making me feel guilty. Making me feel like if I didn’t touch him or comfort him, my legs would give out, and breathing wouldn’t come so easy.

  Breathing wasn’t coming so easy.

  Finally, I gave up on trying to salvage the night. I made my excuses to Patrick because...

  I needed to escape my feelings.

  Mostly everyone had gone into the house for Theo’s speech so I found the keys I wanted, dashed out, checked around to see no one was watching and I let myself into the dark pool house. The blinds were drawn so it took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the shadowed room. The only light that spilled in came from the candles around the pool, and peeked in under the blinds that didn’t quite reach the floor. I moved into the room, easing down onto the sofa.

  Finally I felt like I could breathe again. Who knew it would be so exhausting pretending you didn’t have feelings for someone?

  My head jerked up at the slight squeak of the pool house door opening and closing, Finn’s face illuminated in the light from outside before shadows crept over it once he was inside.

  With me.

  Alone.

  “What are you doing in here?” I was back to that whole having difficulty breathing thing again.

  “We need to talk.” His voice seemed to fill the entire room and I winced, afraid someone might hear him.

  “Did anyone see you follow me in here?” I whispered, shooting up off the couch to have a peek through the blinds.

  “Everyone is still inside. It’s too cold out. Would you please look at me?”

  At his harsh tone, I did. I could see from the quick rise and fall of his chest that he was struggling to breathe normally, too.

  “What did you want to say?”

  His eyes roamed my face, something like desperation flickering across his features. And suddenly that desperation turned to determination. “This,” he said, and in a blink of my eyes he’d closed the distance between us.

  His lips came down on mine as he gripped my arms tight.

  I inhaled in surprise, his warmth and the smell of his cologne overwhelming me.

  Finn is kissing me!

  At the touch of his tongue against mine, my skin turned hot and tingly, and those butterflies in my belly erupted to a riotous flutter. Finn’s groan vibrated down my throat, and I found myself crushed harder against him as our kiss deepened.

  Suddenly I got why everyone made such a big deal about kissing. With the right person it was...wow.

  Somewhere beyond the fog he had created in my mind, I remembered Eloise. It was enough to dampen the butterflies and reluctantly I pushed against his chest and wrenched my mouth from his.

  Finn just as reluctantly loosened his hold, his dark eyes scorching me. “Don’t,” he whispered.

  “Eloise,” I reminded him, gently extricating myself from his grip.

  “Let’s just forget everyone else. Eloise. Patrick.”

  “We can’t just forget. This would hurt people.” I gestured between us.

  “Right now all I care about is you.”

  “That’s a fantasy, Finn.”

  “Don’t say that. You feel it, too, right?”

  “I do. But I also don’t want to hurt anyone.”

  “We won’t.” He tried to reach for m
e again, and I could hear something like panic in his voice. “Don’t you want to feel happy, even just for a moment? I’m sick of being miserable.”

  Unease started to creep over me, and I stepped away toward the door. “Sometimes I’m sick of that, too.” I liked him. I wanted him. Maybe even needed him. More than I’d ever wanted or needed any boy. But despite the fact that he was the first guy to give me that romance-novel kiss I’d been waiting on, his selfishness made me wary. “And maybe we could be happy for a moment, but it would cause other people sadness. I won’t hurt people to be with you. And I have to wonder what kind of person you really are if you can’t see beyond this to how much it would kill Eloise.” I shook my head, disappointed in him, in me and in the whole situation. Feeling stronger in my resolve, I bit out, “Just forget me. I mean it. You’re not who I thought you were.”

  “She’s gay!” Finn cried hoarsely as I turned my back on him.

  And suddenly I felt like the idiot who was standing up on an open-top bus and didn’t see the heavy metal sign up ahead until it was too late and slamming right into my head.

  I spun slowly around to find Finn was staring at me in horror.

  “Eloise is gay?” I whispered.

  “Oh fuck.” He rubbed his hands over his face, muttering, “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.”

  “Finn.” I hurried over to him. “It’s okay, calm down.”

  “It’s not okay!” he snapped, his eyes shimmering with tears. “I can’t believe...oh fuck.”

  “Finn.” I stood there, feeling useless and helpless as he paced in front of me, gathering speed in his panic. “Stop. Please. Stop. I won’t tell anyone.”

  I saw nothing but self-recrimination in his eyes. “You’re right. I’m a selfish asshole.” He bowed his head and closed his eyes, pain etched on every feature.

  Silence fell over us as I came to terms with what Finn had just told me.

  Eloise was gay.

  And so scared for anyone to find out...she and Finn were using one another?

  “Is that what you meant?” I said. “Before? You said she was getting what she wanted out of your relationship, too.”

  He nodded and slumped down onto the sofa.