The Impossible Vastness of Us

by Samantha Young

He sighed and sat up, too. “Look, he’s just being his usual self.”

  “In what way his usual self? Is he hitting you?” I reached for him, turning his face to the light in case I’d missed a bruise or something.

  Finn chuckled and grabbed my wrists. “No.” He tugged me so I had no choice but to fall against him. “He...okay...he suspects I might be ‘fooling around with you’ in secret. His words not mine.”

  “And he’s okay with that?”

  “I’m still with Eloise so he’s assuming I’ve taken his advice and that I’m using you.”

  “Arrgh,” I growled. “I swear, Finn, that guy. Sometimes I think I have the better deal. My dad beat the shit out of me but even then I had the hope of a future away from him once I turned eighteen.” If I’d made it to eighteen living with him, that is.

  “Don’t,” he said through gritted teeth. “You weren’t better off. This—” he pushed my shirt up, revealing my ribs “—is just a reminder.” He bent his head and pressed a soft kiss to the only physical scar my dad left me. A burn from a cigarette he’d put out on me when he was wasted. The next morning when he found me crying in pain was the only time my father showed a measure of remorse. Carla had put some antiseptic on it so it wouldn’t fester but because it hadn’t been taken care of by a doctor it left a little circular scar. “Every time I think of what he did to you I want to hit something.”

  “Then don’t think about it,” I whispered as I ran my fingers through Finn’s soft, thick hair. In answer he began to press kisses across my belly. This time a different heat flashed through me, and I sighed, falling back against his bed.

  He looked up at me, his fingers trailing over the zipper on my jeans, questioning.

  I nodded and squirmed in anticipation as he unbuttoned them and then pulled the zipper down. We hadn’t had sex yet but we’d done nearly everything else.

  It was exciting, exhilarating, and I was growing to crave him like I was addicted.

  But sex—

  As much as I wanted him something stopped me from going all the way with him.

  I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t want to ponder it too much, so I just enjoyed what we did have.

  I knew Finn enjoyed it, too, and he never pushed for more even though the question, along with a little frustration, was in his eyes. I had no answers, so all I could do was make up for it in giving everything over in my kiss.

  CHAPTER 17

  I WATCHED ELOISE disappear into the pool house still wearing the floor-length pale yellow Jenny Packham dress that had definitely made her the belle of the ball—or the Winter Formal, I should say. Most every other girl had turned up in silvers and pale blues, so Elle had really stood out. Me, not so much, as I was wearing a cobalt blue silk gown that swished around my ankles.

  I’d been miserable the whole night as Elle and Finn held hands and danced when coerced to by Bryce and Joshua. Elle had insisted we do a group hang thing at the dance so I wouldn’t feel left out, but it hadn’t really worked out. Charlotte and Gabe barely looked at each other from the moment they got there, making me wonder what was going on with them. The tension between them was so thick Gabe got up and left the table. Five minutes later we saw him slow-dancing with a senior.

  Poor Charlotte looked miserable and insisted on going home early despite our protests. Elle and I tried to get her to talk to us but she wouldn’t, and all we could do was put her in a cab and promise we’d call her the next morning.

  Bryce and Joshua, who had gotten over their relationship problems, spent most of the night making out at our table, and that left the not-so-kinky threesome of me, Elle and Finn.

  At home it never bothered me, but at the dance our threesome was awkward. I looked and felt pathetic hanging with them and was desperate to go home.

  There had been times over the last few months that I’d found it hard to keep my relationship with Finn a secret. Those doubts I’d had way at the beginning would whisper to me sometimes. However, as quickly as they’d come to me, Finn would obliterate them with his kisses, his kindness and his devotion.

  But he hadn’t told me he loved me.

  And watching him kiss Elle, even if it was all for show, was getting harder, not easier like I thought it would.

  I was so lost in my own crappy thoughts that it had taken me until the three of us were back in the limo, heading to our house, to notice that Elle was also in a mood.

  Theo and Hayley were staying in New York for the weekend so we had the house to ourselves. The intention was for Finn to hang out with me after formal to make up for the fact that we couldn’t be together at the dance. But I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone with Finn.

  And I still felt that way as he stood at my back. The limo had dropped us off at home and Elle had charged ahead of us, seeming lost in her own world. We’d followed her through the house and then watched her disappear out into the pool house.

  “Something’s wrong with you,” he said quietly. “What is it?”

  “There’s something wrong with Elle,” I evaded. “I should go talk to her.” I spun around. “You should go home, Finn. We’ll talk later.”

  I hurried away from him and outside, ignoring the surprised look on his face. He looked as though I’d just slapped him.

  The truth was it was easier to deal with whatever was going on in Elle’s head than it was to deal with my own angst over Finn. I didn’t want to argue with him or break up with him—not at all! However, I also didn’t like how I was starting to feel.

  Probably like how his father wanted me to feel.

  Like a dirty little secret.

  And as much as I knew that wasn’t true, I couldn’t stop the insidious thought from creeping in.

  I shrugged it off and practically ran over to the pool house, lifting the hem of my dress out of my way to get there fast—it was cold!

  I didn’t bother to knock.

  Eloise sat on the sofa in the pool house, looking so forlorn I felt an ache in my chest at the sight of her.

  “Hey,” I said, walking over to sit across from her, “what is going on?”

  “Aren’t you supposed to be with Finn?”

  “I told him to go home. What’s up with you?”

  “You told him to go home?”

  “Elle, what’s up? You’re acting weird.”

  “No weirder than you. You were upset tonight.”

  I frowned. “Is that what’s wrong with you?”

  She didn’t answer but somehow I knew I was just an excuse for some bigger problem.

  “Elle...”

  “I just get mad, all right,” she snapped. “These dances, they make me mad. I was with Finn the whole night and I felt all alone. These are the nights I just wish things were different, you know.”

  “Yes. I think I do.”

  “I’m sorry, India.”

  I thought about how truly lonely Eloise was and suddenly felt very petty for feeling resentful. “I’m sorry, too.”

  Her laughter was bitter. “What a pair, huh? You wishing you could hold your boyfriend’s hand in public, and me wishing I had the guts to ask Sarah to this stupid dance.”

  “Have you ever kissed a girl?” I said.

  My abrupt question caused her to expel a bark of laughter. “I hope you’re not offering.”

  I rolled my eyes. “No. I just... I wondered... How do you really know you’re gay if you’ve never kissed a girl?”

  She stared at me for a moment before asking, “What age were you when you developed your first crush?”

  “I was ten,” I said, remembering it clearly. “His name was Logan and he punched my arm every time he passed me in the hall. If only I knew then what I know now.” I grinned. “That boy liked me back.”

  “So you’d never kissed a boy but you knew you
liked them?”

  Her point hit home, direct and true. “Yes. I knew I liked boys before I kissed one.”

  “Same for me.” She shrugged, giving me a sad smile. “Tonight I’d give anything to have a stupid crush on a stupid boy.” Eloise lowered her eyes. “Do you know why I like being in the school plays?”

  “Why?”

  “Because I can be any kind of person at all without the fear of judgment.” Her eyes glistened with tears. “Most days I try not to care. But today I care. Today is a day I wish I were the kind of girl who was so secure in her own skin she didn’t care what anyone else thought of her. Today is the kind of day that makes me think of my mother, who loved formals, who could be kind and loving, but was my father’s wife after all. And if it’s true what they say, that somehow she really is looking down on me, then there is this huge possibility that she’s disappointed in me...and no one can blame me for caring that my mother would have hated the person I truly am.”

  Chest hurting for her, I got up slowly and then sat down beside her. Without saying a word, because words would be superfluous at this point, I put my arm around her and drew her head down onto my shoulder. She slumped into me, and I felt her hot tears hit my bare skin.

  My grip on her tightened, and I wished today had been a different kind of day for her, too.

  * * *

  A little while later I walked Elle to her room and headed back to my own feeling more confused than ever. I had to admit, if only to myself, that I’d started the night feeling resentful toward her. I didn’t understand why Elle still needed Finn to help keep her secret.

  They’d been in a relationship for two and a half years, and everyone thought they’d had sex. If they broke up, no one would automatically jump to the conclusion that Elle was gay. She no longer needed Finn to continue her lie. She could stay single for the rest of high school, going out on a date here and there to avoid suspicion, and no one would be the wiser.

  It didn’t mean Finn and I could get together right away but we could lead up to it in a way that people wouldn’t jump all over us for it—especially with Elle supporting us.

  But she couldn’t seem to see past her irrational fear and I admit...it was beginning to bother me.

  However, seeing her so sad and upset for the first time since she’d talked to me about being gay, I couldn’t hold on to my resentment. What she was dealing with was bigger than my insecurities.

  I strode into my room, ready to crash, only to come to an abrupt halt at the sight of Finn lying on my bed asleep.

  Something huge swept through me, filling me up, as I stared at him sprawled out on my duvet.

  And for the first time I let myself finally admit what all that hugeness was.

  I was in love with Finn Rochester.

  I love him.

  Tears pricked my eyes, though I wasn’t sure whether they were tears of happiness or confusion or fear or all three. I kicked off my shoes and climbed up onto the bed, trying not to wake him.

  I gently laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes, listening to his heart thud in my ear.

  No, I thought, I would put up with being his secret girl, because it was better than not having him at all. It was better than feeling lonely. And one thing was for sure: I never felt lonely when I was with him.

  * * *

  I was just drifting to sleep when I felt his arms close around me, and his lips brush my ear. “Don’t leave me,” he whispered. “Don’t ever leave me.”

  I burrowed my head deeper into his chest and held on to him tight.

  CHAPTER 18

  “SO, JUST US, HUH?” I stared across the cafeteria table at Gabe.

  For the first time ever I found myself alone at lunch with him. Finn had booked the darkroom out to finish a project he was working on; Joshua and Bryce were extra-loved-up these days and were off doing...well...probably each other, somewhere. And Eloise was in dress rehearsal for the play that was opening that night.

  Charlotte was mysteriously absent.

  Gabe grinned at me. “Your wish finally came true, Maxwell. So what will you do with me now that you have me alone?”

  I smiled with faux sweetness. “Ask you what is going on with you and Charlotte?”

  The cocky look on his face was quickly replaced by discomfort. He shifted uneasily in his seat and looked at his plate. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Oh, yeah, sure.

  “I’m talking about the fact that you and Charlotte looked mighty cozy at the engagement party and then suddenly you could barely look at each other at Winter Formal. What’s up with that?”

  Gabe glanced around, as if he was checking to make sure no one was listening. He leaned across the table and said quietly, “Charlotte hasn’t said anything?”

  My curiosity peaked to new heights. “Not a word. Why? What happened?”

  He frowned down at his plate. “I’m not sure I should say anything, then.”

  “You can’t not say anything now,” I argued.

  “If I do tell you... I mean...shit.” He rubbed a hand over his head.

  “Gabe.”

  “Can I trust you, Maxwell?”

  “Of course.”

  In answer to that, he got up out of his seat and came down to sit in the seat next to mine. I turned to him, eager to find out what was going on between them.

  “I haven’t told anyone else this...”

  When he didn’t say anything else I punched his shoulder. “The suspense is killing me here.”

  “Fine.” He glanced around us again and then looked me directly in the eye before he muttered something.

  “What was that?”

  He muttered it again.

  “Gabe, just spit it out.”

  “Charlotte and I hooked up,” he hissed.

  I think my jaw might have hit the floor. “No.”

  “Yes.” He looked pained, not happy, and I suddenly started to understand what was going on here.

  “You dumped her, didn’t you?” I glared at him, thinking how devastated Charlotte must be after giving up her virginity to him, only for him to reject her.

  “We weren’t going out. It just happened. And now shit is weird between us.”

  “Weird how?”

  “Charlotte wants to date.” He said the word date like it was dirty.

  My irritation at him was growing steadily worse. “And what is wrong with that?”

  “Come on, India, you know I don’t date. After I’ve been with a girl I get bored.”

  I thought of how badly Charlotte must be hurting right then and I wanted to punch him. Gabe must have seen my thoughts in my expression because he held up his hands in defense. “Look, I’m not a total asshole, okay. It just...she was coming on to me at the engagement party and I got carried away a little. The next day she came over to my house to study and she practically jumped me.”

  “You could have said no if you aren’t into her.” I really, really wanted to smack him.

  He glared back at me. “I didn’t want to say no.”

  Interesting.

  “So...you like her?”

  “It’s Charlotte. Of course I like her. She’s one of my closest friends. And that’s the problem. If we dated and we broke up, I lose my friend.”

  Slowly the anger seeped out of me. “Can I ask a question?”

  He nodded.

  “You said that you get bored with a girl after you sleep with her. Does that mean you wouldn’t want to sleep with Charlotte again?”

  Gabe’s lips tightened. It was the most serious I’d ever seen him in my life.

  “Gabe.”

  He shot me a tortured look. “I can’t stop thinking about her.”

  Hope began to blossom in my chest for
my friends. “Then what’s the problem? Give it a shot.”

  “No.” He shook his head adamantly. “I don’t date. I’m not good at it. And I would end up hurting her. So no.”

  I wasn’t exactly following his logic but I’d never seen such a mulish expression on his face so I knew he meant it. “So you’ll be cool with her dating other guys, then?”

  “How? Is she dating someone? What do you know?”

  What a dipshit. I made a face at his obvious jealousy. “You are so screwed.”

  His eyes grew round with alarm. “How?”

  “Because you’ve slept with her now. Things will never be the same between you and she’s just going to resent you for hurting her, anyway. If you date, she’ll be even more hurt. If she dates, it’s going to drive you crazy. So it’s up to you...do you give dating her a chance with the risk that it might not work out? A risk, I might add, that we all take when we date someone. Or do you be the guy that slept with his best friend who’s crazy about him, and then reject her. There is really only one scenario there that guarantees you lose her friendship.”

  Gabe scowled at me. “Nah-uh. I’m very charming if you hadn’t noticed. I can win Charlotte’s friendship back.”

  “It’s good that you’re optimistic. That’s nice.” I bit into a fry. “Delusional. But nice.”

  His chair scraped across the floor as he pushed back from the table. “That’s what I get for seeking advice from a girl.”

  “I know,” I called out as he was walking away. “The truth hurts.”

  He flipped me the bird without turning back and I ignored the curious looks around us. I couldn’t care less. Gabe needed to hear the truth, so he could pull his head out of his ass and ask Charlotte out.

  As for me, I needed to find her and make sure she was okay.

  * * *

  The school felt flooded with people, an expectant and electric atmosphere in the air. It was a mix of excitement over the upcoming Christmas break and anticipation for the first performance of the school play that evening.

  After having a heart-to-heart with poor Charlotte, who was so hurt and rejected by Gabe that she hadn’t wanted to tell any of us about it, I’d stayed behind after school with Elle for the last-minute rehearsals. Since she and Elle were so close, I made Charlotte promise to tell Elle about Gabe. It would make her feel better to talk to her friend, confide in her. She agreed, as long as we didn’t tell Bryce, who was still extra mean around Charlotte these days because of their whole parents dating situation.