The Impossible Vastness of Us

by Samantha Young

  “No,” I said, nervous now. “They stopped because I started to believe in you.”

  Surprised, Theo slowly sat back in his chair.

  I smiled shyly. “I didn’t know that, though. But I was thinking about a problem and the only solution that felt okay was to come to you with it, and I was surprised by that. And that’s when I thought about the dreams and how they had disappeared.” I looked at my hands. “I know I’ve disappointed you.” I gave him an apologetic smile. “But you have to believe me that I’m not the person you think I am right now.”

  “India, I’d like to understand what’s going on. Eloise says she doesn’t hate you and she doesn’t want me to be upset with you. She’s being awfully understanding for a girl who just got her heart broken.”

  “There’s a bigger problem than me and Elle right now.”

  He scowled. “How so?”

  “I found out something about Finn that no one else knew and that’s where our friendship sprang from. I’m going to tell you what that thing is because he needs your help.”

  “Okay.” He leaned forward. “I’m listening.”

  * * *

  Cheeks pale, Theo stared at me for what felt like forever once I’d finished telling him about Finn’s father—his abuse over the years and his subsequent threats. I also explained that Eloise had been pretending to be his girlfriend to keep his father off his back.

  “Does Eloise know? Has she known this whole time?” Theo bristled.

  “No,” I rushed to assure him. “Finn kept the abuse to himself. She just knows that his dad is hard on him emotionally.”

  “I will deal with Eloise pretending to be his girlfriend later. Right now what’s important is finding evidence to back up your claims.”

  Anger rushed through me. “They’re not claims. His lip is split right now from his father’s right hook.”

  “India, I believe you, but legally I can’t do anything without evidence.”

  “Theo...think about who we’re talking about here. You’ve known this guy longer than I have. I’m not asking you to do anything legally. That’s not what Finn would want. I’d hate for him to be dragged through a court trial. I’m asking you to think of some way to convince him to let Finn go.”

  He was quiet so long I was afraid I’d made a huge mistake.

  “I need to talk to Finn,” Theo said. “Get him here.”

  “He’s a little reluctant to do anything that might mean leaving me behind, so involving him might not be a good idea.”

  “India, I’m not going to do something that will change Finn’s home situation without talking to him first. Get him here.”

  I swallowed, my heart pounding at the idea of convincing Finn to get on board with my plans. “Yes, sir.”

  * * *

  Finn stared at Theo in shock before turning his accusing eyes to me. “How could you tell him?”

  “We can’t fight your dad alone.”

  “And you think he can?” Finn gestured angrily to Theo.

  “Finn,” Theo said firmly, drawing my boyfriend’s attention back to him. His eyes narrowed on Finn’s lip. “How long has Gregory been beating you?”

  It was the first time I’d ever heard Finn’s father’s first name. It made me flinch because it made him more human somehow, which in turn made the fact that there was a monster in him more horrifying.

  “This is the first in a while.” Finn touched his lip.

  “But before then?”

  “A few months after my mother died. He used to hit her before she got cancer. But in places people wouldn’t see.”

  Any color Theo had left in his face just drained right out of him, and he sank back in his chair looking suddenly much older and more tired. “Jesus Christ,” he breathed. “Why didn’t she come to me?”

  “My father can be a pretty scary guy.”

  My stepfather’s face hardened. “The Rochester and Fairweather friendship goes back a few generations, but your father and I were never that close. He has always been a controlling, ruthless bastard. Still...if I had known...” He shook his head and stood up. I watched him pace behind his desk, suddenly restless, it seemed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Finn ducked his head. “I was ashamed.”

  “All this time,” Theo muttered. “God, I sent my daughter over to that house.”

  “He never touched her,” Finn assured him. “She doesn’t know a thing.”

  “Just enough to pretend to be your girlfriend to get him off your back.”

  My boyfriend shot me a quizzical look. I shot him a “just go with it, and no, I didn’t tell him his daughter is gay” look.

  “I’m going to call your grandparents,” Theo said, turning to him resolutely.

  “What? Why?” Finn looked suddenly afraid.

  “Because...you’re going to go live with them.”

  His head immediately whipped to me. “This is you, isn’t it? This is your plan.”

  “Actually, that wasn’t India’s original plan.” Theo drew our gazes back to him. “She wanted you to stay in our pool house. Considering the situation, however, I think it would be highly inappropriate for my stepdaughter’s boyfriend to live with us.” He gave Finn a look of apology. “I’m sorry, Finn. If things were different, perhaps...but even then... I considered your friends’ parents. Joshua or Gabe—”

  “Yeah, Josh’s parents would let me stay with them. It wouldn’t be a problem.”

  “I imagine not,” Theo said, his expression grave. “But maybe what you need is to be with your grandparents. Maybe what you need is to be reminded that you have family that wants the best for you—”

  “But—”

  “More than that, I think what you need is distance from your father. If you stay, there will be questions that neither of you want to answer. Situations that may throw you together at school. You know him better than anyone. Can you honestly tell me he won’t try to interfere with your life as long as you’re here?”

  Finn was silent.

  Because he knew—we both knew—Theo was right.

  “You don’t need that worry, Finn. You need a chance to be a kid. For once. Go to Florida. Be with your family. And be a kid.”

  I was heartbroken when Theo turned down my suggestion that Finn stay with us. It was agony to know that my decision to bring Theo into the situation meant sending Finn far away from me. The pain in my chest was unbearable, and a huge part of me wanted to scream and shout and say I’d changed my mind about this whole thing. But I couldn’t be selfish. I had to put Finn first. That’s what you were supposed to do when you loved someone, right? Even if it was tearing you up inside. And the truth was that Theo was right. “Finn, it’s the best thing for you.”

  He pushed up out of his chair. “Forget the fact that my dad will never allow it... I told you I don’t want to leave you!”

  “I will persuade your father to let you go and to give you the money you need for college tuition,” Theo said.

  I gave Theo a sad, tremulous smile, relief shuddering through me that I actually had made the right call in coming to him.

  “How?” Finn demanded. “How can you do that?”

  Suddenly a hard, determined anger filled my stepfather’s expression. “Leave it to me.”

  “But—”

  “You don’t need to know how. You just need to know that I can fix this.”

  “No.” He crossed his arms belligerently over his chest. “I’m not leaving.” He glared at me. “I’m not leaving you. I love you.”

  “Finn, just because you’ll be in Florida doesn’t mean you’ll stop loving me. I get that.”

  “No, you don’t.” He sat back down, pulling his chair toward me so our knees touched. “If I leave we don’t know what will happen. There’s a c
hance that this—” Finn gestured between us “—won’t work out. And that scares me more than the future my father has planned for me.”

  “I’m scared about that, too. But I know something you don’t... There was this moment back when I woke up in the hospital all those years ago. A moment that I totally forgot about until recently. I was so busy being mad at everyone that the memory just...disappeared. But I remember it now.

  “Hayley came to my hospital room and it was the first time in five years that I’d seen her. She was a mess, she couldn’t stop crying.” I heaved a shaky sigh, the image of her so clear it could have happened yesterday. “She came to tell me what the authorities hadn’t yet. That my dad was so drunk the night he attacked me that he ran his car off a bridge. He died. He was gone. She told me she was taking me home with her to California. That it was over.

  “I can’t describe the relief I felt. This sheer relief that he was out of my life for good. In that moment I didn’t care about Hayley’s betrayal or how shitty life had been so far. All I cared about was that I was free.

  “I love you, Finn—you have changed my life for the better—but that freedom I felt... I am telling you that freedom is bigger than us, and the best thing I can give you right now is the promise that being free of your dad is worth risking us.”

  He drank in my words like they were sweet wine laced with razor blades, the pain so clearly etched in his face. After what felt like forever he grabbed my hand in both of his, bowed his head and pressed his lips to it.

  With my free hand I reached up to stroke his hair in comfort, fighting back tears when I felt the wetness of his on my skin.

  CHAPTER 25

  THERE WERE MANY things in life that I was unsure about, but the one thing I was sure of was that Theo Fairweather would never tell me what he’d said (or threatened, I guess) to Gregory Rochester to convince him to let Finn go live with his grandparents.

  What I did know was that Finn’s dad let him go but refused to back down on the money situation.

  “Then what will he do?” I’d said as we piled Finn’s suitcases into the pool house where he’d stay for a few days before he got on a flight to Florida.

  “I don’t want you to worry about college,” Theo had said to him. “You’re covered. I’ve already spoken to your grandparents.”

  “How?” Finn said. He looked so exhausted and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him.

  Theo gave him this no-nonsense, don’t-even-think-about-arguing-with-me look. “I will pay your tuition.”

  “No!” Finn shot to his feet. “No way, I’m not a charity case.”

  “Of course not,” Theo said. “You’re Kelsey Monaghan’s son. I held you when you were a baby and I’ve watched you grow up into a smart, talented young man. You’re like a son to me, Finn, and I will not see your future ruined because of your father.”

  Finn blinked in surprise and I watched as that surprise turned to emotion. The muscles in his jaw flexed as he tried to fight it. “Sir, I don’t know...”

  “Just say thank you.” Theo held out his hand to him with a smile.

  They shook hands, and Theo clapped him on the shoulder, and all the while I watched a silent conversation pass between them. Watching them together I realized if Theo had known about Finn’s situation long ago he would have saved him, just like he was saving him now. But what really made the breath catch in my throat was that I believed, really believed, that if Theo had been around when I lived with my dad, he was the kind of person who would have stepped in to save me, too.

  Once Theo had left us alone in the pool house we stared at each other.

  Suddenly it came crashing down on me that we only had a few days left together. Finn’s grandparents were devastated to hear the truth and quite rightly desperate to have Finn come stay with them where he’d be safe. He’d been withdrawn from Tobias Rochester, and they’d enrolled him in a good (but tuition free) school a five-minute walk from their beach house.

  I felt a little breathless at the idea of not seeing him every day.

  “You want a soda?” I said, desperate to find a distraction, any distraction.

  He looked a little confused by the question in light of the heavy atmosphere, but nodded. “Sure.”

  I hurried toward the door.

  “Aren’t there any in the kitchen here?” Finn called after me.

  “We’re out.” I didn’t know if we were out of soda in the pool house. I just needed a momentary breather from the tension between us. I knew I had done the right thing for Finn and I knew one day he, too, would fully come to understand that.

  It didn’t mean the sacrifice didn’t hurt like hell.

  I strolled into the house, coming to a stop when I saw Hayley watching television in the family room.

  “Hey, sweetie.” She looked up at me. “Finn getting settled in okay?”

  “Yeah. I’m just getting him a soda.”

  “Gretchen made some brownies. Take him a few.”

  “Okay.” I moved to leave and then thought better of it. “Hayley.”

  “Yeah?” She glanced back up from what looked like a soap opera. My silence drew her focus completely away from the screen, and once I knew I had her full attention I said something I never thought I’d hear myself say.

  “He’s kind of awesome.”

  It took her a moment and then a slow smile lit up her face as she worked out which he I was talking about. “Yeah,” she whispered. “He kind of is.”

  Theo wasn’t perfect. Of course he wasn’t. Elle wouldn’t be so scared to be herself with her dad if he was. The test would be when Eloise’s truth was revealed. Would he be a hero to his daughter the way he had been to Finn and me?

  I believed, deep down, he was the kind of man who would get over himself for Eloise.

  “I’m happy for you,” I told Hayley.

  And you know what the great thing was?

  I finally meant it.

  * * *

  “You need to talk to Finn.”

  I looked up from my ereader and the romance novel that I was attempting to read. I’d been reading the same page for the last ten minutes.

  Eloise stood in my doorway, her arms crossed over her chest. “He’s down there in the pool house, confused, relieved, probably scared, but mostly brokenhearted because the girl he’s in love with organized his departure from the state and now refuses to be alone with him.”

  I dropped my ereader to scowl at her. “Do you think this is easy for me?”

  “No. I think it’s incredibly hard and I think what you did for him makes you the strongest person I know.” She gave me a sad, guilty look. “I can’t believe I didn’t know what was going on with him. But you did. You caught it. He told me all about it. And, India...that’s just one more thing in my life I have you to be thankful for.”

  “You don’t need to thank me, Elle.”

  “But I do. Because you saved him. And he’s my best friend.” Her mouth trembled with emotion, and she shook herself as if to shake it off. “I have cried buckets recently and I refuse to do any more crying. You need to go down there. I know it’s hard. But keep being strong. You’re the girl who somehow managed to fix everything without anyone ever finding out that I’m gay. I think you can handle going down to the pool house to make out with your boyfriend.”

  I snorted. “When you put it like that...I guess so.”

  * * *

  Finn was lying on the sofa bed, his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling light, when I stepped inside. He looked at me. “She appears,” he murmured.

  I hurried over to him and got onto the bed beside him. He immediately moved one of his arms to put it around me, and I snuggled into his chest. “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “It’s okay.”

  “It’s not... I j
ust...do you feel like I railroaded you into this?”

  His silence began to make me panic, but just as I was about to freak out, he spoke. “No. If I really didn’t want to I wouldn’t be going to Florida. I heard what you said, India, and you were right. I’m worried about leaving Boston, my friends, my life... I’m terrified to leave you and have things not work out between us...but the biggest thing I feel right now is relief.”

  I relaxed deeper into him. “I’m glad.”

  “He’s out of my life. I feel like there is this weight off me I didn’t even realize I was carrying. I almost don’t know what to do with myself—I feel so much lighter, like I might just take off and start floating around. I guess I just need to find myself on new ground.”

  “Exactly. And it’s scary in itself but, Finn, it’ll be so worth the fear.”

  “Yeah.”

  I heard the anxiety in that one word. “It doesn’t mean you won’t miss it here. I know that.” I kissed his chest. “What will you miss the most?”

  “You.”

  I smiled. “I know that, too. Other than me?”

  “Elle, Josh and Gabe. My crew. Although they’re pretty pissed I’m leaving so I don’t know how much they’ll miss me. And I’ll miss all the main stuff—Fenway, the burgers at the Bristol Lounge, Cafe 939, Mike’s Pastries, Maggie’s Diner.” He stroked my arm lightly. “You,” he repeated.

  “You and I will be okay. And I’ll send you boxes of goodies from Mike’s Pastries.”

  “What makes you so strong, India?”

  I thought about it, how not too long ago I’d thought I was strong but the truth was I hadn’t been...not until recently. What I’d told Finn was true. When I realized my father would never be able to hurt me again I’d felt the relief of being free. But somehow over the years I’d built a new prison out of my fears of being hurt. I’d taken my own freedom away. Until Massachusetts. “You. Elle. Anna. Maybe even Hayley and Theo. We’ll see about those two,” I joked.

  We were silent awhile as we lay together, just enjoying each other’s warmth.

  Finn’s voice broke the quiet but barely, it was so low. “Whatever happens, I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me.”