The Impossible Vastness of Us

by Samantha Young

  Hayley appeared at the bottom of the stairs. She gave me a shaky smile and climbed up to sit down beside me. “They’re hugging,” she whispered.

  “Will they be okay?”

  “It won’t be easy, but I read somewhere that nothing worth fighting for is ever easy.”

  “Was that in one of your romance novels?” I teased, needing to lighten the atmosphere.

  She shot me a look. “I knew you found my stash.”

  “If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t borrowed from your stash in a while.”

  “Well, it’s a little late now. I’m sure you now know every euphemism for the word penis.”

  I snorted. “And my vocabulary just keeps expanding. I bought an ereader. It’s like romance novel heaven on there.”

  “Yeah? Should I get one?”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  “Reading anything good right now?”

  “I’m venturing into the world of historical romance at the moment.” I paused. “Finn said I read romance because I need the happy ending.” I looked at her, wondering if she thought that were true.

  She bumped me with her shoulder. “That’s why I read them.”

  We were quiet a moment and we could hear the gentle murmurings of Eloise and Theo downstairs.

  Relief started to untie the knot in my stomach.

  “I’m thinking about branching into other genres,” I said.

  “Why?”

  I shrugged. “I guess I don’t need the happy ending anymore. Maybe it’s okay to just have the right ending.”

  Hayley smiled thoughtfully. “Even if it doesn’t look like it from the outside, I think if you look closely enough you’ll see the right ending is the happy ending.”

  I contemplated that and then shot her a surprised smile. “That’s kind of deep.”

  “What can I say? I’m an unexpected sage.”

  Maybe it was how intense the atmosphere was in the house, maybe we were growing hysterical with it, or maybe we just needed some light relief and the idea of Hayley being a sage was funny. Whatever it was, when our eyes met, giggles bubbled unexpectedly out of us, and we had to muffle our laughter with our hands.

  * * *

  The grandfather clock in the dining room was really annoying. I’d never noticed how freaking loud that thing ticked.

  A fork hit a plate and the ting of it made me flinch.

  Maybe the grandfather clock wasn’t the problem.

  Even the sound of Theo crunching on garlic bread sounded incredibly loud.

  Nope.

  Not the clock.

  It was the silence.

  The silence was unbearably noisy.

  Sitting at the dining table, I glanced over at Elle. She was concentrating on her dinner. Really, really concentrating hard on that plate of food.

  I looked at Theo.

  He was staring at his garlic bread like he was in conversation with it.

  My eyes locked with Hayley’s. She looked as concerned as I felt.

  After their talk, Theo had gone to the office and Elle had wanted to be alone in her room. Theo promised to come home for dinner and he stuck to that promise.

  But it seemed like things weren’t just going to magically be okay between Eloise and her father. I wished I knew how to speed up the process.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket and since no one was looking I snuck it out.

  Finn: How’s dinner going?

  India: It’s as silent as the grave :/

  Finn: Tell one of your bad jokes. That should crack the mood.

  I glanced back up at my silent family. What the hell. It couldn’t hurt. “I went to the zoo the other day,” I said, and they all looked at me. “It was empty except for a single dog.” I paused briefly. “It was shih tzu.”

  Hayley snorted into her wineglass.

  Elle and Theo both raised their eyebrows at me and then returned to staring at their food.

  I took my phone back out of my pocket.

  India: Apparently bad jokes only work on you.

  India: And Hayley.

  Finn: Just give them time. Call me later, okay. I love you.

  India: I love you, too.

  Now I stared dazedly at my food. Finn had been gone a day and I already missed the heck out of him.

  “Have you talked to Finn?” Hayley broke the silence, as if reading my mind.

  I nodded glumly. “He called earlier. He arrived safe and sound. His grandparents are really happy he’s there.”

  “That’s good,” Theo said. “They’re good people.”

  “I know. It’s just going to be hard. I miss him already. So does Elle,” I said pointedly.

  Eloise’s head came up at the mention of her name and Theo finally looked at her. He gave her a sad, strained smile. “He can visit anytime he wants. And you can go there.”

  A grateful smile lit up Elle’s face. “Thanks, Daddy.”

  Something wistful entered his expression, and I would have given anything to know what he was thinking. I just wanted everything to get back to normal between them. But Finn was right. It would take time.

  “You’re welcome, sweetheart,” he said softly, and looked back at his plate.

  I smiled at the hope on Elle’s face at his endearment.

  Baby steps.

  * * *

  “The awkward strain between you two will eventually go away,” I assured Elle.

  She lay on my bed, hugging my pillow. Theo had gone into his office after dinner and Elle had been about to hide herself in her room when I practically dragged her into mine to make sure she was okay. “Yeah,” she said despondently. “Maybe. Until the first time I bring a girlfriend home.”

  A knock at my bedroom door stalled me from having to come up with a reassuring answer to that. Hayley popped her head around the door when I called, “Come in.”

  “Gabe and Charlotte are here to see Eloise.”

  Elle paled.

  “Let them in,” I said.

  “No,” Elle whispered. “I’m not ready to face their judgment or their anger.”

  “Do you really think they’d come to the house if they were mad at you?”

  She glowered at me but I ignored it and nodded at Hayley to let them in.

  Gabe and Charlotte walked tentatively into my bedroom not even a minute later and stood awkwardly staring at Elle.

  Elle stared back at them, hiding her fear with a defiant tilt of her chin.

  And then Charlotte flew across the room at her and hug-jumped her.

  “Oof!” Eloise was flattened against the headboard as Charlotte landed on her and locked her arms tight around her.

  “Are you okay? I’ve been so worried!”

  Elle’s whole body seemed to deflate with relief and she smiled at Gabe over Charlotte’s shoulder as she hugged her back. “I’ve been better.”

  Gabe leaned against a post of my bed, throwing me a sad smile. “I’m sorry about Finn.”

  “I’m sorry, too.”

  “It sucks he’s gone.”

  Charlotte pulled back from hugging Elle. “The whole school is buzzing. No one can believe Finn is gone. No one can believe you’re—” She stopped, looking mortified.

  “Gay,” Eloise supplied dryly. “You can say it. It’s not a dirty word.”

  “I know. I just... I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

  “You won’t. I’m sorry I hid it from you.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Gabe said. “We get it.”

  “We so get it.” Charlotte squeezed her arm. “Remember Josie Farquhar.”

  Elle winced.

  Charlotte blanched. “See! I’m saying the wrong things.”

 
“Josie Farquhar?” The name sounded familiar but I didn’t know why.

  “The girl I told you about,” Elle said. “She came out last year.”

  Oh, yes. I did remember. She was the girl that got ostracized at school until her parents yanked her out of Tobias Rochester.

  “That won’t happen to you,” I promised hotly.

  “Nah, it won’t,” Gabe said. “You’ve got us.”

  Eloise shot him a grateful smile. It withered quickly, though. “What about Bryce and Joshua?”

  “Bryce is on the warpath against you,” Gabe informed us. “She’s pissed you confided in India and not in her. And I get the feeling she’s a little weirded out that you like girls. You know Bryce when she doesn’t know how to deal with something—she just takes that shit out on someone else. Joshua isn’t sure what to do. He’s taken Finn leaving pretty hard. He lost his best friend. He doesn’t really want to lose his girlfriend and Bryce says she feels lied to, betrayed. He told me to tell you that he is on your side, that he gets it, he accepts you...but he has to lay low with you for now for Bryce’s sake.”

  “But we won’t,” Charlotte said, a fierce expression on her face the likes of which I’d never seen on her before. “We’re here for you. Always.”

  Eloise nodded and leaned back against the headboard, looking bone tired. “Thank you. I’m going to need you.”

  EPILOGUE

  LIKE EVERY SCHOOL day since I’d arrived in Massachusetts, Gil dropped Eloise and me off at school.

  But unlike those other days, today we were late.

  Theo still seemed stiff and unsure when he said goodbye to us that morning, but that didn’t mean anything bad. He and Elle would find their way back to an easy relationship again. He loved her too much. He had said we could cut school again today because of how emotional the past few days had been but I talked Elle into going.

  Over the last forty-eight hours she had gone through a lot of emotions. The positive obviously being that her dad was willing to get over his own prejudice for the love of his kid. Also, Elle had told Sarah about everything that had happened and they finally talked on the phone and were going to meet up that weekend for their very first date. Elle had confessed to having butterflies about the date but the giddy, excited kind.

  The last few days had been intense for her and on top of it she missed Finn, too.

  It was a lot for one person.

  And although we had Charlotte and Gabe on our side, Bryce was a force to be reckoned with. There was no doubt in my mind things at school were about to get hard for Eloise.

  But I had more faith in our class than Eloise did. I believed that they would accept her for who she was. It wasn’t them or their acceptance I was worried about. It was Bryce and how far she was going to take this war against Eloise.

  But there was no point in delaying facing Bryce and the rest of our classmates.

  Eloise looked up at the school gates and then turned to me. “If you walk in there with me, you lose everything you ever wanted when you first got here.”

  “I know. That doesn’t mean I’m not walking in there with you.”

  Her expression softened. “Do you remember the first day we met? We were by the pool and I had Bryce and everyone at my back in support against you.”

  I thought of the irony of it all. “I do.”

  “Life is so strange.”

  Life was definitely strange, but standing outside those gates, no longer afraid to be just another person in the hallways, no longer fearing the lack of safety in the basement of the social hierarchy, I had to think that there was beauty in strange.

  I had everything I thought I never wanted.

  I had never felt more lost.

  Or more found.

  Or more safe.

  Or more scared.

  I had never felt more free.

  * * * * *

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  THIS BOOK HAS undergone an evolution unlike anything else I’ve written. India, Finn and Eloise’s story was quite different when I started it and I’m proud of the journey it took to its completion. For that reason, my biggest thank-you is to my tremendous agent, Lauren Abramo.

  Thank you, Lauren, for all your wisdom and brainstorming; for our phone calls in which you were so insightful I’d immediately get off the phone to get back to this manuscript, totally inspired. And thank you for helping me shape the friendship of these characters into something beautiful. India, Finn and Eloise would not be the same without you.

  I relied on the honest opinions of a few essential beta readers to help keep me on the correct path in my endeavor to write the best possible version of this story. Thank you, Rebecca Pappas and Claribel Ortega, for taking time out of your very busy lives to read The Impossible Vastness of Us. Your kind words, perspective and insight helped to make sure all aspects of the story were given the care and authenticity they deserved.

  I also want to thank my always extremely honest and loving mum, and my good friend Tammy Blackwell, whose wisdom also found its way into this book.

  Of course India, Finn and Eloise’s journey still had some evolving to do when it made it into the hands of my wonderful editor at Harlequin Teen, Margo Lipschultz. First I want to thank you, Margo, for believing so passionately in me as a writer and in this manuscript. There are no words to describe how much that means to me. Second I want to thank you for taking this book to the next level; I had so much fun editing this with you. And third, I think gratitude should be expressed for you creating the hashtag #Finndia.

  Furthermore a big thank you to the art team at Harlequin Teen for creating cover art that made me do an actual happy dance in my kitchen when I first saw it! Thank you to the entire team at Harlequin Teen for your hard work on The Impossible Vastness of Us.

  And finally, as always, to you my reader:

  the biggest thank you of all.

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