by Alice Rachel
He pulls away and looks me deep in the eyes. "Please, tell me that I stand a chance. That one day, you might choose me, over him."
I inhale sharply. Chi stole my heart from William the moment I saw him. That day, he turned my whole world upside down before I even realized what was going on. I fell for him before I even understood what it meant. I don't know how he did it exactly. I don't know why I let it happen, really. But no matter what my feelings may be, I cannot bring myself to let him hope that this will ever be anything more. I want this. I want it more than anything I ever dared let myself dream about before. But the consequences are still holding me back. Chi could face a death sentence if we were found together, if I agreed to be with him and let William know about it too. But Chi refuses to see that. His life and death mean nothing to him. He acts like the outcome is inconsequential, like his demise is nothing in the larger scale, and like being with me just outweighs all the risks. No matter what he might believe, this isn't worth his life and I refuse to be the cause of his destruction.
I don't answer him. I can't. But he reads it all in me without me even saying a word. Disappointment fills his eyes, making me ache so deeply.
"I'll take whatever you're willing to give, Thia. I know I can't ask for more than this. It's wise of you to be scared. I understand that."
He says the words to soothe me, but I know that someday these clandestine meetings won't be enough for him anymore. I can't blame him. Not when I feel the exact same way. I stroke his cheek with my thumb. He closes his eyes and breathes heavily through his nose, a deep sigh of defeat and acceptance.
Chapter 17
This morning, when Mother brought up the gala I was to attend at William's school, it didn't occur to me that Chi might be there as well. If it had, I would have pretended to be sick from the get-go. Instead, Emily prepared me for it, pampering me, and I let her. Mother hadn't told me about the event until today. It was a last-minute occasion for her to put me on display for all to see. I never meant to expose myself with William in front of Chi, but the moment I stepped on the threshold to the gymnasium, Chi appeared in my peripheral vision and my heart skipped a beat upon seeing him. William's hand was tight around mine, making me squirm on the inside. When I turned around and saw Chi, the look on his face cut right through me. The pain shooting through his eyes aimed right for my heart, striking me fast and hard.
That was over an hour ago. I'm now standing by the punch table, and William hasn't left my side at all tonight. He's been sticking to me the entire time, and I haven't found a second to breathe. So far, Chi has stayed away from us. He's been observing me, with his back propped against a wall and his arms crossed over his chest. I glance around every so often, sweeping the room discreetly until my eyes catch his, but the sight of him just plain wounds me. I'm hurting in ways I never even thought possible. Something is screaming inside me, telling me to throw it all away, to just run to him and kiss him right here in the middle of the gymnasium. But the rational part of my brain knows that would be suicide.
A friend of Chi's has been following him around, but Chi doesn't seem to care for him. The short, black-haired boy has been trying to catch his attention all evening, but Chi is saving it all for me. His gaze pierces through mine, daring me to push William away, challenging me to follow my heart and let it win this battle it's been fighting against my mind.
After a while, Chi's friend gives up and leaves, never even noticing what got Chi so absorbed in the first place. Chi's eyes run up and down my body as a flirtatious smile appears on his face. One of his eyebrows rises for a second and falls the next, teasing me from a distance. He's flirting with me, all the way across the room, right under William's nose. The recklessness of it all seems to amuse him tremendously. His teeth come to bite on his lower lip in a suggestive way, and I can't stop watching. My cheeks burn in an instant, and Chi's lips rise in a rebellious grin. He wiggles his eyebrows at me. I stifle an indecent smile and chuckle in my drink.
But this illicit exchange is cut short when William pulls me against his chest to force a kiss on me. My heart falls hard from being so high on Chi. It comes crashing through the ground, shattering, aching in so many different ways. I close my eyes to shut Chi out. I can't look at him. I can't take the sting of his pained expression. William crushes me against him. His mouth devours mine with impure hunger, and I almost choke on a gagging reflex. I hate it. I hate William's lips upon mine. I hate that he put them there, robbing Chi of his rightful place. I hate that he's forcing his mouth where it never belonged. William's tongue coerces my mouth open, and I fight the cringing instinct inside me. My lids tighten together as I try to keep my disgust at bay.
When William has had enough, he pulls away. I open my eyes and can't help but look at Chi. My heart splinters into too many little pieces for me to collect. The sorrow in him is vivid, leaking through the darkness of his irises in torment and the tight grip of his fingers on his button-down shirt. His anger is barely under control. The muscles of his jaw move with fury and his nostrils flare while his eyes bore holes right through William's skull. He takes a step forward and my heart leaps in fear. But he walks the other way, right out the door. My breathing increases and my heartbeat speeds up.
"William," I say, "I need to go to the ladies' room."
He nods at me. I can't get out of here fast enough; I almost run out the door. I head into the hallway where I saw Chi leave. He's walking away, his hands balled with frustration. I call his name and his back stiffens. His entire body freezes. He turns around and looks at me. His features are twisted as if looking at me was stinging him somehow. I take a step forward, but he doesn't move. I take another one and he tilts his head toward the exit, his silent gesture telling me to meet him outside. He heads out and I follow him while shooting a few glances behind me to ensure no one's watching us. This is a dangerous game that we're playing, but I no longer care if I lose. I just can't leave him feeling like this.
I find my way out of the building, but Chi is still walking, now farther ahead. I try to keep up. I chase after him outside the gates, but he's gone and is nowhere to be seen. I just keep walking. A hand grabs mine and drags me into an alcove. I gasp in surprise as Chi pulls me to him. He presses his index finger against my mouth in a shushing motion. Then he wraps both his arms around me, his despair pouring right through the strength of his muscles claiming me to him. His mouth finds my ear as he touches his forehead to my temple.
"Thia, I can't do this," he whispers, his voice filled with tremors. He swallows hard, his chest rising and falling against mine. "I can't take it. Seeing you two together like this. I just can't." He breathes heavily against my skin. "I should leave before I do something stupid."
He tries to let go, but I tighten my grip around him. "No," I whimper. "Just..." I exhale against him. "Just hold me."
He obliges and pulls me closer until we're locked together in an embrace that nothing could ever tear apart.
"Does he...?" he starts and pauses. A breath catches down his throat. "Does he always kiss you like that?" he asks. "By forcing himself on you?"
I don't want to answer. I want to forget that this ever happened. I don't want Chi to rewind and review this scene over and over again.
He breathes deeply against my ear, his eyes closed, his forehead still pressed against my hair. "Answer me, Thia."
"Yes," I will the word out. "Chi..." I pull away slightly so he has no choice but to look at me. "I don't want to be with him. I never wanted to be with him. The only way for him to kiss me is to force it upon me." I don't add the obvious. I don't tell him that William doesn't care what I want, that he's always rough when Chi is nothing if not gentle.
He sighs. "I just want to break his neck so badly right now," he exclaims. "I don't want him touching you. Imagining it has been bad enough. Seeing it for myself is so much worse. The way he treats you just drives me insane, Thia. I can't stand it."
I stroke his cheek, and his eyes close as he leans into my palm and le
ts me caress and soothe him. He grabs my fingers and holds them together as he pulls my palm toward his lips. He kisses it. His eyes meet mine and both his arms wrap around my waist again, pulling me to him so hard it knocks the wind out of my chest. His lips meet mine and he does nothing to hide the grief eating at him. His kiss is all consuming, deep, filled with distress. And he doesn't stop. He just keeps going until he can't breathe, until he has to pull away for air.
"Thia," he whispers the word and my heart takes flight, breaking from its shackles. The hurt in his eyes isn't gone though, and I can hardly bear it anymore.
Whatever he means to tell me, I cut him off before his words get a chance to come out. "I'll tell him that I'm sick. I'll just go home," I say and drop a kiss on his cheek. "I'll leave." I inhale the scent of his skin, my nose and lips only inches away from his.
He nods, pulls my forehead to his, and his gaze locks me in place. "Please, don't..." He stops and closes his eyes, the muscles of his jaw dancing as he clamps his teeth together, his nostrils shaking with anguish. "Don't let him touch you. I can't take it. I can't even think about you two like that."
"I won't," I reassure him. "If he tries for more, I'll tell him I'm really sick."
He nods again.
"You're so beautiful tonight," he says as he appraises my blue dress in a simple once-over.
I give him a tiny peck on the side of his mouth. "Thank you," I whisper, my cheeks flushed.
He has no idea how handsome he is either, in his black suit and black button-down shirt, his white tie the only thing contrasting with his outfit. His hair is all over the place from his pulling at it all evening, the locks falling into his blazing eyes. I run my hand through it, to comb it back into a semblance of a haircut.
"Chi?"
He doesn't answer. His eyes are still running all over me.
"I can't meet you this week," I continue, trying my best to ignore these embers his persistent gaze has stirred back to flames deep inside me. His irises turn dark when I say it, a brewing storm waiting to strike.
"Mother wants me home every day." I don't tell him she wants us to plan the layouts of the wedding. Some things are best left unspoken. "I will talk her into letting me go to the library on Monday next week. I'll meet you at the Arch then."
His features reshape with renewed sorrow though he gives me a small, provocative smile. He presses his mouth against my ear. "I still like that you chose to be here with me right now, when he's out there waiting for you. These are moments he can never steal from me."
Chapter 18
I run to the Arch that day. I lied to Mother, and she didn't question me even when I flushed upon my duplicity. I couldn't wait any longer to see Chi. Every day, I need more and more of him, like little pieces of heaven that fate grants me as if trying to make up for the destiny it has forced upon me. When I get there, Chi pulls me in his arms and spins us around, my feet leaving the ground.
"I missed you," he exclaims, "so damn much."
His lips are mere inches from mine before he closes the distance between us. I live and die and am reborn under his kiss. His mouth reclaims what has always belonged to him, and I'm far too happy to oblige. We don't talk about the gala. Chi acts like it didn't happen. He just holds me against him, unable to stop, his lips brushing mine insistently until a cracking sound echoes nearby. A shiver of dread raises the hair on my arms.
The distracting noise immediately threatens our peaceful retreat. Someone is walking close by, and we are in a dangerous, illegal position. Chi lets go of me quickly, though probably too late. He tells me to stay put while he goes to investigate. He walks up to the Arch and looks around it. He goes one way, then the other.
He comes back to me, shaking his head. “It must’ve been a squirrel. No one was there.”
I sigh in relief, but the sound was too loud to be a squirrel or any other animal. I’m sure I heard footsteps after the crack. I know someone saw us or heard us. I can only hope it was a homeless person, someone who might not want to cause us harm or trouble. But my instincts tell me otherwise.
I want to kick myself. How could I be so careless? How could I be so stupid? For a few minutes, I forget the way I felt when Chi kissed me, and the old anguish is back. This danger feels all too real and much closer than before. There is sudden panic and despondence in my heart. Though Chi seems to relax, the crease between his eyebrows tells me that he’s concerned too.
“I think we should leave. It might be a good idea to find a new place to meet.”
“Yes, but where?”
“The Wilcoxes live really close to here. Could you meet me here again tomorrow? I don't want to spend too much time without news from you. We should meet here, and you can follow me to their place. You’ll walk at a distance so it seems casual. Then you should only meet me at the Wilcoxes’. This place might not be safe anymore.”
His words confirm my fear. I feel faint. Terror rises inside me, making my whole body shake. I can’t let it defeat me. I take a breath. As if to help me release stress, Chi touches his lips to mine. It takes effect immediately. I relax just enough to gather the strength to get back home and act normally.
"I'll do my best to get here tomorrow."
“Take care, Thia,” he says and squeezes my hand before turning around and disappearing.
The walk back to school is a challenge. I keep turning around to check if anyone might be following me. I find relief upon reaching the station. This feels like a test that I was cheating on and almost got caught doing it. I’m still surprised at how brazen I’ve been lately. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to keep up this charade.
Chapter 19
I can't focus in class today. I can’t hear anything my teachers are saying.
"Miss Clay, may I talk to you for a second?" Mr. Johnson calls out to me after the bell rings to end the last period. I walk to his desk and wait, with my heart thundering inside my chest. The other students leave the classroom, and Melissa waves goodbye while making a worried grimace.
"You managed to get yet another A, Miss Clay," Mr. Johnson resumes once everyone is gone. "I can't quite understand how, to be honest. You're always distracted, daydreaming, not to say borderline-insubordinate. I haven't notified your parents of your attitude because your tests always come with exceptional results, but I shall be expecting more attention in class, more participation as well, and fewer snide remarks on your part." His eyes narrow slightly. "Am I making myself clear?"
I nod and bite my lower-lip.
"Don't think I can't hear the words you mumble to yourself on various occasions, Miss Clay. You may want to be careful. One could think you were a Sympathizer. I wouldn't want to see you reported as a potential threat to our society."
I nod again and lower my eyes. I should probably heed his warning, but all I've been able to think about is that someone possibly saw me with Chi at the Arch yesterday. And if they did, Chi and I could be in deeper trouble than even Mr. Johnson can fathom.
"You may leave now, Miss Clay." He dismisses me, and I run out the door.
I dread going to the Arch. What if someone follows me there? Chi told me not to go directly to the monument, but to wait behind some bushes until I see him. I scan the area the entire time for any passers-by. When I reach the corner close to the Arch, Chi isn't there. I hide behind some shrubs and wait.
After five minutes, my nerves slowly give in as crazy thoughts fill my head with paranoia taking over. What if someone did spy on us yesterday? What if nothing happened to me, but Chi got arrested? I find myself shuddering. I don’t know where Chi lives. If anything happened to him, I might never find out. The thoughts course through my brain while fear grasps my heart in its iron fist. I keep looking around frantically and decide to give Chi another five minutes.
When he doesn't show up, I step out of the bushes. That's when I see him—a boy from the back. He turns around and winks at me. It’s Chi. I’m dizzy with relief, exhilarated as the adrenaline leaves my body.
Chi is walking away. I follow him from a distance. He doesn’t turn around to check that I’m catching up with him. I look a few times behind me, but there is no one there.
After five minutes, Chi reaches a house and opens the gate to the backyard. He leaves it open and disappears inside. When I get to the gate, I step in quickly. Chi is waiting for me at the corner of the house. He beckons for me to follow him. He's holding the key to the back door. He turns it into the lock, walks in, and holds the door open for me. When I'm in, he closes it fast behind me.
He turns around and takes me in his arms. He spins me around and kisses me, tenderly at first, and then more insistently. He spins me around some more before putting me down. He holds on to me tight, his arms around my lower back, my arms around his neck. He leans in, looks into my eyes, and smiles. Eventually, he drops his arms and lets me go. He grabs my hand in his and we enter the living room on the right.
The house looked small and simple from the outside, but the inside is nice and spacious. The furniture is expensive, with leather couches, a glass table, and a flat-screen TV on the wall over the fireplace. Of course, I’m used to luxury at home, but my parents’ house feels cold while this place feels warm and welcoming. The mantel above the hearth is covered with figurines. It's obvious Mrs. Wilcox put a lot of effort into the decorations.
“It’s really pretty,” I say while examining one of the figurines.
“Yes, Jane spends a lot of time finding collectables. It’s her hobby,” Chi explains. “The Wilcoxes are at work right now. I told them you’d be coming. I can’t risk their security without telling them what’s going on. I’m not sure Neil was happy about it, but I believe Jane understands.”
“Was she forced into marriage?”
“Yes, it was an arranged wedding, but they became fond of each other. They were my parents’ friends, remember. They share the same beliefs.”
