by Alice Rachel
“Yes, of course.”
Chi sits on a couch and taps the space by his side for me to join him. I approach him and sit down. I put my head on his shoulder. His long fingertips come to stroke my hair.
“I feel safe here,” I say.
“I know. I’ve been feeling safe ever since I moved here. But there’s always a shadow lurking in the dark. I constantly need to watch my back and make sure I don’t slip or make a mistake. I have to remember the Wilcoxes are supposed to be my parents. I have to turn around when people call me by their son’s name. It took a while before I got used to that.”
“What is their son’s name? What name do you go by in society?” I ask.
“Their son was named Jordan. At school and everywhere else, I go by that pseudonym. With people I'm close to, I go by my real name.”
“Do you sleep in his room?”
“I actually sleep in the guest room. It was too hard for Jane to give me Jordan’s room. No one needs to know since no one visits the bedrooms. Jordan’s room was left exactly as it was when he had his ‘accident.’ That’s what Jane calls it when she talks about it.”
“So, you keep all your things in the guest room?” I ask.
“Well, I don’t really own a lot. I lost everything when my parents were taken. Possessions don’t matter, Thia. I don’t need objects in my life to fulfill me. I’ll probably lose it all again soon, so what’s the point.” He shrugs.
I think about my own bedroom. Despite the lack of warmth in my parents’ house, my bedroom has always been my refuge. There are things I hold on to dearly, such as my notepads, my diaries, and my poetry books. I admire Chi for his practicality, but as his words resonate inside my head, they sting me deeply. Chi has nothing to lose, and life doesn’t matter as much to him as the goal he has set for himself.
I remember the nightmare I had the other day. Some men were chasing Chi. Gunshots echoed all around me as Chi fell to the ground. "Remember, I have nothing to lose," he said, and as the words came out of his mouth, they shredded my heart. I want to believe I mean enough to Chi that he would care about life. My own craving for death has disappeared. When I met Chi, everything changed and the sadness overwhelming my heart just went away. I no longer seek my own demise. I no longer wish to die. I want to live. And I wish Chi felt the same way too, but his defiance of our system often verges on a thirst for self-destruction.
He catches me in my contemplation. “Excuse me if I don’t show you my room," he says with a wicked grin. "I don’t want you to get the wrong idea."
I blush profusely. His hint is obvious. Chi doesn’t know about my fear of intercourse, and his joke unsettles me. I’m glad he’s open enough to laugh about it and that he's not considering it an option yet. But his remark bothers me. I clear my throat.
He catches on to my mood. “Are you okay?" he asks. "Did I say something wrong? It was just a joke, I promise." He lifts his hands up in defense.
I flush even more. The temperature inside me suddenly rises. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t want to make a fool of myself, but I might as well just come clean about it now. If the thought has crossed his mind, I have to let him know that it won’t happen—not anytime soon at least.
“Hum.” A ball of discomfort has lodged itself between my vocal cords. “I've never done…you know. I've never done it before.”
“Well, of course. I wouldn’t have expected you to,” he replies, as if it makes complete sense. I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment or an insult.
He sees the vexed look on my face and explains himself. “Thia, girls aren't supposed to have sex until their pre-nuptial night. I know the rules. I mean, some girls break that rule, but the consequences are not worth it. I wouldn’t have expected you to have done anything yet.” He looks at me tenderly as he says it.
“Yes, but I’m not comfortable talking about it either. My friend Melissa, she talks about it as if it were the best thing that could ever happen to her. Whereas with me, I don’t know; it just terrifies me.”
“Well, everyone’s different, Thia.” His hand reaches for my chin and his index finger caresses the side of my mouth.
“Haven’t you…I mean, with another girl...”
“With whom?” His mouth tilts up, in the tiniest reassuring smile.
“I don’t know. You’re handsome. I thought that maybe—”
“Thia," he cuts me off, "I’ve had more important things to do. I mean, really. I’ve had more urgent issues on my mind. Well, that was until I met you," he adds, his eyes traveling up and down my face. "Now you seem pretty important too, and I've made it my goal to save you.” He sends me a mischievous smile before his mood turns sour. “What I mean is...imagining you and William together..." He inhales sharply, and a groan rises in his throat. The emotional tremor in his voice pains me. "When I think about it, it drives me crazy. It makes me want to break his jaw.”
“The pre-nuptial night isn’t for quite a few months I’m sure, so we don’t have to worry about it yet,” I try to soothe him.
“I guess not. But don’t you though? I mean, don’t you worry about it?”
I don’t reply. The answer is obvious to the both of us. I avert my eyes and clear my throat. “Where is this going, Chi? What’s the point of us meeting? It’s not as if we could ever really be together.”
“Is that what you truly believe? That this is pointless?”
I lift my eyes just in time to catch a glint of pain shooting through his eyes. Shame squeezes my heart. Of course he believes we stand a chance. The choice is only mine to make after all. It’s all up to me. Chi has tried to talk me into joining the Underground, but I’m scared. It would be a big step, a choice that would change my life forever. If I left my current situation, I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. I'd have to put all my trust in him. Girls like me can't just roam the streets on their own—not unless they want to end up in a camp or be forced to sell their bodies as prostitutes.
Chi probably takes me for a coward, but he never says anything. He always nods, never wanting to rush me. I still need to think all of this through, and I don’t know how to tell him that. I don’t know how to confess to him that I'm still terrified. I just know that I miss him every second of each day and that I wish I could be with him without having to make such a difficult decision.
He looks at me, his face serious, unsmiling. “I've already made up my mind and I’m not turning back. I want to be with you. I want to bring you along with me, but I can’t force you, and I understand that it's a lot to ask.”
His words sadden me. I'm being selfish. Being with me might prevent Chi from reaching his goal, but he won’t leave me behind. He had to make choices of his own, difficult ones, but he did it without any second thoughts, it seems.
“The Wilcoxes will be here soon," he says. "They know you’re here, but I don’t want them more involved in this than they need to be.”
Despite his general kindness, Chi's tone has turned cold. He's putting himself in terrible danger just to be with me. I want to tell him that I have chosen already. I want him to know that I've chosen him—that I chose him over William the moment I saw him. But I'm too much of a wimp to speak the words and expose the truth hiding inside my heart. I look at him, but there is no joy left in his eyes. He takes me to the back door.
"Will you be here tomorrow?" he asks. His question hurts because it's filled with doubt. He doesn't even trust me to come back to him.
I nod. Once. And then again, emphatically, to let him know that yes, I will come back. I will always come back, for as long as I'm able to.
"I won't be waiting at the Arch. Just come directly here. Okay?" He holds on to my arm, kisses me, and then he lets go.
I walk out and look back, but he has already closed the door and turned the bolt like a lock on his heart.
Chapter 20
I messed up with Chi yesterday, and I want to fix it. I spent all night worrying about him. I haven’t made up my mind yet, but I want wi
th all my heart for us to be okay.
Mother snaps her fingers in my face when she sees that I'm not listening. She has brought a letter to the counter where I'm eating breakfast. It’s official news; the envelope has been sealed shut with a stamp. It’s addressed to me, but Mother has opened it already.
She's holding it in her hands, and there's a huge grin on her face. It can’t be good. My mother never smiles. She strokes the paper as if it's the best thing in the world. When she starts reading the content, the words tear my heart apart. The sudden pain stabbing at me is unbearable. I'm breaking apart as complete despair crushes me down. I want to die.
Mother is holding the official pre-nuptial announcement. It was delivered in person this morning by one of William's servants. I am to meet him two days from now for our first night together. It will happen on Saturday. Today is Thursday. I shiver.
Panic seizes me. I want to run out of the room. I want to run and find Chi. I want to feel his arms around me. I want him to tell me it’s all going to be fine. But I remain seated. The ache inside me increases and I can’t breathe. The spoon falls out of my hand and drops down, spraying milk and cereal on the hardwood floor. I can't breathe. Emily sends me a glance of annoyance, but I hardly pay heed. I can't breathe. My chest heaves. I’m choking. I can't breathe. The air escapes from my lungs. I can't breathe. No matter how much I try, I can’t breathe. Dark spots form in front of my eyes and slowly grow into smudges. Darkness swallows me whole, and I fall.
***
When I regain consciousness, I wish I hadn’t opened my eyes at all. My head is pounding. I’m lying on the floor, and the light in the room is stinging my eyes. Mother is over me, holding a handkerchief to my nose. There’s a strong smell emanating from it. The back of my skull is hurting as if it has shattered from the impact. I must have fallen off my stool and hit my head against the hardwood floor.
I gather enough strength to ask if I may be excused and go to my room. There’s concern in my mother’s eyes. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. If I don’t go to school, I won’t have a pretext to meet Chi later on. But Mother is heading to the phone already, to tell the principal that I need the day off. I’m desperate as I try to talk her out of it, but there is no arguing with her. She thinks I’m too emotional and that I need to rest.
So now, I’m stuck at home for the day. I won’t be able to meet Chi. He'll be mad at me. I want to tell him. I want him to take me away from here.
I spend the whole day in bed. Mother comes upstairs a few times to talk about the prenuptial night. I pretend I'm sleeping whenever someone walks into my room. I don’t want anyone to know how horrible this situation is for me. I’m supposed to be rejoicing about the news. I don’t know how, but I know my parents expect me to. I don't want to discuss the subject with anyone. I'm angry and scared. I don't want William to touch me. I don't even like it when he kisses me.
I’m distressed when I think about Chi, too. Our parting yesterday didn’t go well. I’m concerned he might think I was letting him down. I don't even want to consider what this news is going to do to him. Having to hurt him this way just makes me want to scream. The charade is falling apart around me, and I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to hold on to this masquerade. This existence is just slow death spent buried alive under a never-ending list of obligations. I can only breathe when I'm with Chi.
This entire day is pure torment. I manage to fall asleep a few times, for the weight on my shoulders is exhausting me. It's easier to be asleep and away from this place than awake and facing reality. Despite my napping most of the day, I’m still tired enough to sleep at night. My slumber is heavy, devoid of dreams or nightmares.
Chapter 21
I want to throw up the moment I open my eyes. I tell myself this was all just a night terror and reality cannot be that bad. But I remember quite well that receiving the prenuptial letter wasn’t a dream. I feel sick to my stomach and run to the bathroom.
Emily hasn’t come to my room yet. I make sure to clean everything up before she does. The last thing I need is to be stuck at home another day. I need to get out of here. I need an excuse to see Chi.
I consider skipping school, but that wouldn’t be wise. Last night, I had enough trouble convincing Mother that I should stay at the library with Melissa this afternoon, to make up for the classes I missed. Chi won't be home anyway. There’s no point in taking the risk of skipping school to find his house empty.
I get ready and go through my usual routine. I go downstairs for breakfast, take the train with Walter, join Melissa by our lockers, and then sit through all my classes while fretting about Chi the entire time. He's probably upset that I never showed up yesterday.
When the afternoon finally arrives, I run to his house. I’m so frantic I’m just careless. I get there and knock on the back door, hard. Chi comes right away, breathing heavily; he must have run to meet me on the threshold. I don't dare look at him. I dread the disappointment and anger that are sure to show in his eyes. But when I lift my head, there is relief on his face instead. He sighs deeply, pulls me inside, and takes me in his arms, holding me so tight it hurts as he kisses my face frantically.
“I was so worried! Why didn’t you come yesterday? I wanted Jane to call your house and ask for you. Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry!”
I'm so ashamed I ever doubted him. Of course he wouldn’t be mad. After all, this is a dangerous world for girls; anything could have happened to me. I’m touched that he was so concerned about me, and a selfish bubble of happiness suddenly surrounds me and carries me up, up, up. Up so high I almost forget why I couldn’t make it here yesterday. When the memories come back to slap me in the face, a sob rises in my throat and a single tear rolls down my cheek. I try to prevent it from falling, but fail.
“What’s wrong, Thia? Did something happen to your family?”
Sadness for Chi suddenly fills my broken heart. My tears pour out, and I know I won’t be able to stop them. Of course, Chi would think something happened to my family. After all, didn’t something horrible happen to his?
He leads me through the hall, all the way to the kitchen on the left. He takes me to a stool by the island and helps me sit down. He grabs a seat next to me and holds my hand in his, so tight it hurts. I look at him with unrestrained tears running down my cheeks. Chi extends his hand to dry the tears with his thumb. There is concern in his eyes where mischief usually shines, and I don’t know how to tell him what’s going on.
I somehow manage to get it out without choking on the words. I stop crying, but my voice trembles as I speak. “I received the official pre-nuptial letter.”
Chi glances at me and blinks a few times. He looks like he’s about to suffocate. His eyes are blank for a second, as if he didn’t quite hear what I just said. But slowly, a deep coldness appears behind his pupils and his sweet honey irises darken, his eyes flashing with frightening shades reminiscent of a tornado ready to hit. His jaw clenches as hatred flickers through his gaze, disappearing just as quickly.
Wrath overtakes him, and he bangs his fist so hard on the island that it shakes. I jump in my seat and cringe. Chi stands up violently while cursing and calling William a variety of bad names—some of them in a language I don't even understand. I flinch. He’s not looking at me as he speaks either. He’s just talking to himself.
“That’s why he was leering at me all day, that asshole!”
“What are you talking about?”
Chi looks at me now, and the vivid fury filling his eyes stuns me. I’ve never seen this violence in him before, even when talking about his family.
“William! He was mocking me all day," he snaps, "looking at me with a smug smile on his face!”
“But Chi, surely William doesn’t know about us! Why would he be sneering at you?”
“I’m not sure how, but he knows! His whole attitude today tells me that he knows about us. Maybe he noticed something at the gala, I don't know. But he knows!”
I’m shaking. I need to lie down, but I don’t dare tell Chi. The look on his face terrifies me. His teeth are clenched so hard the muscles in his jaw are moving. His hands are still tightened into fists, his knuckles white from the pressure.
“Let’s go upstairs and talk. I’m not gonna let it happen. No way! Imagining that jerk’s hands on you makes me sick!”
He shakes his head frantically now while pacing around the kitchen. He keeps on cursing, boiling with rage—expletives and oaths flying around without restraint. I don't like him this way. He makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t know how to calm him down.
He grabs my hand suddenly and leads me out of the kitchen, and then down the hall to a staircase leading upstairs. He has never taken me there before, and my old fears surface. But he’s so mad that I don’t dare protest. I follow him up the stairs, but his attitude is upsetting me even more than I was before.
I try to fight the tears, but I’ve been too emotional since yesterday. This is too much for me to take. I pull my hand away from his and stop walking when my body starts shaking harder as a panic attack takes over. My knees almost give up on me as chaos fills my head, making me dizzy. I want the rage and fears and frustration out of me. I’ve had enough. Someone has to take the brunt of my anger, and the only person I can take it out on right now is Chi. I know it’s not fair, but his behavior is driving me over the edge.
I stand still and look at him. My whole body shudders and wrath comes out as the volcano finally erupts. Heat engulfs me as I yell in his face, “This is not about you, Chi! I came here for comfort, and all you’ve done so far is curse, offend me, and yell! You’re upsetting me! I don’t need this. I don’t need this!”
