by Alice Rachel
I hit his chest with my fists over and over again. I lose my grasp on reality and see William standing in front of me. My mind is playing tricks on me. The panic attack is hitting me hard, and suddenly I can’t breathe. I hyperventilate. Chi pulls my hands away from him. He holds onto my shoulders and forces me to look at him.
“I’m sorry, Thia," he says. "I’m sorry! Breathe! Come on, take a deep breath, like this.”
He breathes heavily, and I try to follow his rhythm. I inhale and exhale once, twice, three times. Again. Slowly, I find relief as the air rushes to my lungs and brain. I relax a little, but I’m still quivering and feeling faint.
Chi's eyes fill with pain and apologies. He opens the door and says, “Please, come in. You should sit down for a while.”
Chi doesn’t need someone who’s already taken, someone he cannot have. I never want to hurt him, ever. But our relationship has brought him nothing but misery. I want to tell him that. I want to walk away from here for his own good. But the selfish part of me is begging me to stay and find comfort in him, and I let him pull me inside.
I step into his room, look around me, and find nothing to indicate that someone other than a guest has been spending the nights here. The space is still decorated as a guest room; Chi hasn’t even tried to make this place his own. I know it’s his refuge away from the world. But how can it be so when there are no traces of his personality here? The only things betraying his presence are some clothes hanging from the back of a chair and some books on the nightstand table. I walk to them and flip through the first pages. I catch Chi looking at me and I flush, realizing how nosy I'm being.
I'm confused. The books are worn-out copies written in a foreign tongue I don't recognize. Languages haven’t been part of our curricula for years. Since it’s illegal to migrate to other countries, the need to speak another language has become useless and obsolete. Trade between countries is hardly existent now. Our seceded state, especially, is cut off from the rest of the world; we've had to learn to rely on our own resources. Only the officials speak different languages now, in case they ever have to deal with other communities. How did Chi get these books?
I take the first one and look at the cover. The title reads L’Ecole des femmes while the second one says Le Mariage de Figaro.
“These books belonged to my mother,” Chi explains. “I guess I do have a few possessions I held on to after all. I have a few French books from her. I sneaked back into the house to retrieve a couple of things.”
“Can you actually read them?”
My question sounds dumb the moment it escapes my mouth. Chi chuckles and I’m glad to see his good mood is back.
“Yes, I can. My mother’s ancestors came from France. They spread the language from generation to generation. They believed it was important to hold on to the past and that communication was the best way to create understanding and prevent war. My mom taught me French herself. I can speak, read, and write it. I’ve lost a bit of it since she’s been gone though. It’s hard to hold on to it when you have no one to practice with.”
“Would you teach me? I mean, if we have time.”
“Yes, I'd love to do that. Then I could practice it with you.”
I’ve never heard of these books before. Chi explains to me that the first one is about an older gentleman who wants to marry his pupil. He gets extremely jealous when she starts seeing a young man her own age.
“That sounds familiar,” I say, laughing lightly.
Chi goes on to explain that the second book criticizes the privileges of the upper class in eighteenth century France. He says these ideas were controversial at the time and gave a taste of the Revolution that was to come. I stare at him, my face blank. I've never heard of the French Revolution before. He smiles at my reaction, and I forget all about my life for a while. Chi is a deep source of knowledge, a fount of information constantly pouring out, fascinating me.
"Chi?"
"Yes?"
"The collection of poetry that you gave me was translated from Les Châtiments. Is that French?" I ask.
"Yes, it is."
"Do you have a French copy of it?"
"No, Thia. I gave you my only copy." He runs his hand over the back and top of his head, messing up his hair.
I frown slightly. "It didn't belong to your mom, did it?"
"Why?" He tries to avoid the subject.
"Did it?" I insist.
"Yes, it did," he concedes, his mouth quirking up in a tiny smile.
"Chi, I can't accept such a gift."
That he would give me something so dear to him when he has so little left from his family is just too overwhelming.
"Thia, I have other books," he protests. "I don't need that one. I want you to have it."
"How many books do you have from her?"
He clears his throat. "It doesn't matter. My mother had a whole library of them, forbidden works of literature, in French and English. I don't know how she got them. I only grabbed those she preferred. I gave that one to you and you're keeping it."
I steal a glance around his room and only see the few books that I had already spotted on his nightstand table as well as a couple more lying on the floor. "Is that all you have left?"
"Thia, the conversation is over. The book is yours."
I didn't understand the magnitude of Chi's gift until now. I knew that it was a present with meaning, a specific message from him to me. But now, it has become a lot more, something that Chi cherished enough that he risked going back to his parents' house to retrieve it when he knew the authorities were on the lookout for him. I jump into his arms and crash against his chest as I wrap my arms around his neck.
He exhales sharply under the shock and chuckles in my ear. "Had I known you'd react like this, I'd have given you the book the first day we met."
I cup his face and kiss him, shushing him. I meet his lips, the side of his mouth, his cheek, his neck, until the memory of what's about to happen this week-end rushes back at me to put a harsh, destructive end to this bliss. And a tear rolls down my cheek, accompanied by an unwanted sob.
Chi has brought me nothing but happiness while being with me has cast a shadow of pain over his life. I don’t want to remind him of what’s going on. I want my tears to stop falling. I don't want to think about William right now. I swallow the sounds trying to escape my mouth, but I don't fool him for long. And the saddest thing is that he instantly understands what I'm thinking.
“What’s the date of the pre-nuptial night?” he asks, pulling away from me.
He’s trying to control himself and not show the anger that’s emerging again. But I can still see it burning through him as he grits his teeth. There’s something in his eyes now that's no longer comforting or jovial. Instead, it’s incredibly painful to look at.
I don’t want to tell him. What’s the point? I don’t want him thinking about me when it's happening. I don’t want him to go crazy, counting the minutes, wondering what I’m doing. But he repeats his question, more insistently this time.
“It’s on Saturday.”
“This Saturday? Do you mean tomorrow?” he asks.
“Yes. Chi, I don’t want to! I never wanted to, not with him. And now I want it even less! I’m not ready.”
Chi looks at me. “He did it on purpose. That asshole! He planned it as early as possible. I can’t believe this! You know what, just don’t do it!”
“What?”
“It’s that simple. Don’t do it,” he snaps, anger growling within each word.
He must have felt the harshness of his tone because he just looks at me with tenderness now. He takes my head in his hands, lifts my face toward his, and looks me in the eyes with pure sweetness and frustration piercing through his gaze.
“Don’t do it! You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to,” he pleads.
“Of course, I do! My family will be humiliated if I don’t go through with this. If I don’t follow up on my obligations.”
Chi explodes. I know he's not upset at me, but the detonation of his anger still hits me in the face as his voice comes out harsh and anguished. “These engagements were forced upon you by people who don’t care about you. You mean more than that. You are not an object, Thia! You are a person and I wish you’d finally realize that! You may not matter to them, but you matter to me. If you can’t refuse this for yourself, at least do it for me! I will not plead with you not to do it. I will not beg! But if you choose not to do it, I will help you. I promise!”
I know that he means it, but I don’t see how he can help. The mere thought of being caught with him brings dread to my heart. I’ve heard what happens to men who steal another’s property. I could never let that happen to Chi. I have to protect him from himself and his desire to save me.
I’m scared and worried about Saturday night. But the fear I feel at the thought of facing William is nothing compared to the terror gripping me at the thought of losing Chi or causing him suffering. I’m about to tell him that, but he cuts me off before I can speak.
“I’m not sure I can take it, Thia. I’m not sure I can go through this. Imagining his hands on you, forcing you, it makes me sick! I wouldn’t be a man if I let it be.”
“You have to! For me, please,” I try to reason with him.
He pulls my mouth to his and kisses me, pressing his lips lightly against mine. A tear falls down my cheek. I shouldn’t be crying; I’m making it all the more difficult for him. My grief is like fuel adding sparks to the raging flame always blazing through his rebellious mind. I try to contain the tears. I try so hard. But a part of me just wants to cry against him so badly, to keep his arms around me, rocking me. And I want to scream. I take a deep breath and look up at the ceiling to force the tears back inside. Chi sighs and caresses my cheek with his thumb lightly. He holds me for a long time while kissing the top of my head and stroking my hair.
“Come here,” he says, leading me to the bed.
He lets me lie down on it before joining me. He pulls me to him. I rest my head on his chest and wrap my arms around him. It’s more than I can take. My heart is an ocean of sorrows slowly drowning me, and I let it. I cry without a sound at first and then louder and louder until my whole body shakes with untamed wails coming out of my throat.
Chi doesn’t cry, but the muscles of his chin are tight with anger while his eyes flash with deep turmoil. I know right then that he has made his decision, a resolution that no arguments will change. I’m not sure what his intentions are exactly, but I know from the look on his face that they won’t lead to anything good.
PART 2
"I wish Chi and I had never met—
not because I don’t want to be with him,
but because I refuse for our relationship
to cost him his life."
Thia Clay
Chapter 22
The weekend arrives entirely too soon. I'm awakened by the commotion of people stirring around the house. I pull the pillow over my face to stifle a scream. I’m frustrated with everyone. Someone comes to knock on my door. I throw the pillow at the wall with anger and close my eyes. I pretend to sleep, and I breathe hard to push back the tears. The door creaks open and my mother enters. I recognize the sounds of her footsteps even without looking.
“Thia, are you awake?” she asks. “We have a long day ahead of us, and you need to get ready.”
How can my own mother be a part of this? Giving her own daughter away to be tried out like some piece of meat. The thought appears like a shadow in my mind and disappears just as quickly. I don’t grasp it for fear a scream might escape my mouth. I look at Mother. Her gaze is cold, as always. She looks back at me, but she doesn’t see me. She never does. Her indifference awakens the rage that's always sleeping deep inside me. I want to shake her.
“Yes, Mother, I’m awake.” I stand up and sigh, exasperated. Then I let her lead me to the bathroom.
She closes the door behind us. “After your bath, Emily will tend to your hair. You'll change into your dress later in the day so it doesn’t get soiled or wrinkled,” she says and steps out of the bathroom like a queen after an official statement.
“Emily,” she calls, “please, attend to Thia. We won’t have much time for preparations tonight.”
“Yes, madam.”
Emily walks into the bathroom as I’m drying my eyes with the back of my hand. She looks at me. Her gaze drops to my pursed lips, and irritation flashes through her eyes.
“Today is a day of importance. It’s a day to make your mama proud. Let’s not ruin it with idle fears and childish caprices,” she says while looking at me coldly. Her attitude feels like a punch. But Emily knows I won’t tattle to my mother about her blatantly rude behavior. I’m used to people belittling me. I don't even care at this point.
“Of course,” I reply while straightening my back to give myself more importance. I'm short, but Emily is smaller than me and I tower over her.
She goes to my bedroom and makes the bed while I shower in silence. Then she comes back in, dries my hair, and styles it into a high ponytail. She mumbles to herself when my locks refuse to cooperate. When she's done with me, I walk out of the bathroom, refreshed, groomed, and smelling like strawberry soap.
“Perfect,” my mother says with a faint smile when I walk into the living room.
Compliments from my mother are rare. One does not want a girl to think too much of herself. I’ve grown to crave her praises with such longing in my heart that her words make me feel lighter in spite of the heaviness weighing on me.
The day goes by and it feels agonizing. My chest hurts a little bit more with each passing minute. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My heart is beating at a rate that can't possibly be natural. I find myself shaking a few times without being able to control myself or calm down. Mother is as oblivious as ever. She spends the day dictating how to conduct myself tonight. Not only is the conversation uncomfortable and highly inappropriate, but it infuriates me, too. I hardly listen to what she has to say. I don’t care what she may think of my behavior tonight. Instead, I think about Chi. But that just hurts me even more. I’m bleeding for him on the inside. Though I worry about myself, it pains me to think what this is doing to Chi.
***
Eventually, the evening comes. The day has been dragging on, and yet this moment is here all too soon. I can’t wait for it to be over. When William’s driver comes to pick me up, my heart jumps so hard that my chest burns. I can’t control my shaky legs. Walking steadily is a trial in and of itself. I breathe deeply during the entire ride while feeling my sanity breaking at the edges.
Why am I even here? What am I doing in this car? Maybe I should open the door and jump out of the vehicle. I could get it over with, right here, right now, so I don’t have to face what’s coming. Maybe if I fall on my head when jumping out, my skull will break on the impact and it’ll finally be over. But I just sit here, looking outside the window until the car reaches the hotel in Eboracum City, where William is waiting for me.
His driver opens the door and takes me inside the building. William is standing in the lobby, leaning over the front counter. When I approach him, he turns around without a smile. I feel like everyone is looking at me as if I were a girl of little virtue. I’m deeply ashamed, and hatred suddenly grows inside me for those who are pushing me to do this.
I look at my fiancé, but I'm not scared anymore; I’m aggravated, my irritation growing into fury. A bubble of anger rises in my throat, but I let it pop and the nasty words I wish to shout at William just die on my tongue with a taste so sour I want to throw up. I don't say anything. I look at him and clench my jaw. I let him take me to the bedroom.
As soon as the door closes behind us, William shoves me against it, violently. He presses his mouth to mine. It’s not soft like Chi’s lips, nor does it feel good. It’s harsh and sloppy. I’m disgusted with him and myself.
"You are mine and mine only," he whispers against me. I want to push him away.
I can hardly stand his touch on my skin. His hands are on my lower back, up my legs, everywhere, intrusive and repugnant. He wraps his arms around my waist and pushes me all the way to the bed while kissing me.
He takes off his shirt hastily, and terror takes hold of me as his hand reaches for the zipper in the back on my dress. But I can be strong. I can go through with this and honor my family. I have to. I try to focus on William's physical beauty, to remind myself that many other girls would want to be in my place, promised to someone like him. I try to grasp any reassurance I can think of, but can find none strong enough to assuage this painful agony.
My mind shifts as Chi's face appears in front of my eyes. The world is moving around me, spinning so fast I can’t catch my breath. I try to hold on to Chi, to imagine that those are his lips against mine. But Chi’s lips are soft. His kisses are sweet, and he would never force intercourse on me.
William pulls my dress down, revealing more of my skin, waking me from my thoughts. I almost gag. I have to focus so I don’t throw up. He kisses my neck, his weight heavy, pinning me down. A strange sensation seizes me as I leave my body, suddenly watching this scene from the outside. It's not me on this bed; it’s another girl. I am a mere witness to these unfolding events. But then, William's body presses against mine and I know for sure that this is real and that I’m dying. My mind is breaking, slowly cracking to let the insanity in. I pray that I might be relieved from this, and panic seizes my heart. Everything in my body is ready to get up, run, and flee. I’m so tense I wonder how William hasn’t noticed anything yet. I guess he doesn’t care. Why should he?
And just then, he takes my throat in his hand and pushes my head back. He looks me deep in the eyes. There's something hiding behind his pupils that terrifies me—cruelty. He bends down to my ear.
“I know,” he whispers with a voice cold and distant. I must have misunderstood him, but there’s a sadistic smile on his face now, too. I’m scared, really scared. I know exactly what he’s talking about. He’s referring to Chi and me. How did he find out?
