Love Always, Mia

by Cecily Wolfe

  It doesn’t work very well, so I get up and pull my journal from its new hiding place, taking a pen from my desk drawer as I settle down, cross-legged, back on my bed.

  Dear Kayla,

  I wonder if I’ll ever find a way out from under our parents’ feet. Even when I go to college, they’ll still tell me what to do, unless I find a way to pay for it on my own. I wish I had talked to you more about your own plans, and asked you more about your fears as well as your hopes. You were always so upbeat around me, as if nothing was wrong, but I know that so much was. I wish I had been a better sister.

  Maybe you would be here now if I was.

  Love always, Mia

  At school, I hug my backpack before hanging it inside my locker, the only item in it after my books and notebooks have been stacked on the bottom and top shelves, the purse with my journal safely in it.

  I’m sure my mother is rummaging around my room now, so I don’t understand why she gave it back to me in the first place.

  Maybe she’s hoping I’ll continue to write in it and she’ll be able to read whatever new additions I make.

  I smile to myself, pleased I’ve found a way to keep her out of my head.

  If she wanted to know how I feel or what I think, she could always ask, but I don’t expect her to, now or ever.

  “Hey, Mia.”

  Eli’s greeting startles me, and I stumble forward and nearly fall into my locker.

  “Hi, Eli.”

  I happen to glance down as I’m steadying myself and find his usual Converse gone, a pair of fluffy white topped women’s boots in their place.

  He laughs before I can comment, so I just shake my head.

  “My mom said she’s not going out today, so I borrowed them. A little tight, but better than walking here and back home with chunks of ice for feet.”

  With a tiny salute, he backs away, and then he’s lost in the morning crowd.

  Sure, it’s a practical move, but there’s no way he could convince me he won’t enjoy the attention he’ll get for wearing them.

  I nearly forget about the newspaper and our message to the note-writer until Megan grabs my arm in the hall in-between classes and spins me around to face her before I realize what’s happening.

  “Jasmine found this on the floor of the newspaper room this morning when she went in to water the plants.”

  A senior and president of the ecology club, Jasmine has been taking care of the plants in every classroom for the past three years. I wonder if she read the note, but Megan doesn’t say anything more about her.

  Instead, she shoves a folded piece of paper that looks exactly the same as the note in the mailbox earlier this week into my hands, and I open it up, oblivious to the kids pushing around us.

  SHE HOLDS A KEY

  I shake my head slowly.

  “This is the same handwriting, but what does this have to do with a teacher and student in a car together?”

  My eyebrows scrunch together, and I open my eyes wider to smooth them out as I take a deep breath.

  “Like, the car key?” Megan offers, her excitement palpable.

  She’s staring at me as if I should know what these words mean and how to connect them to the mystery.

  But I have no clue.

  “Let me think about this, and we’ll talk more tonight.”

  We don’t have a newspaper meeting since it’s Friday, and we prepped the Monday edition yesterday. Thursdays are always extra work with two editions, but no one wants to hang around a cold empty building on Friday afternoons.

  She nods, snatching the note from my hands before pressing through the crowd to get to her next class.

  But the words stick with me throughout the day, and I feel as if I’m missing something important, something obvious.

  As if the note was meant for me especially, although my name isn’t on it and there’s no way the person who wrote it would know if I would personally see it.

  Between discussing this with Megan and breaking up with Josh, tonight is looking like some kind of emotional mess.

  But at least there will be pizza, and my mom won’t be there to tell me I can’t eat it.

  Chapter Eight

  “Make sure you thank his parents for inviting you.”

  I roll my eyes, out of my mother’s sight and safe from any reprimand for doing so.

  As always, she treats me like an idiotic child, and it’s not worth it to argue.

  Josh’s dad is in the driveway, and I'm surprised my mom didn't insist on talking to him, instead accepting a wave from his car without any comment.

  I’m lulled into a false sense of security when he beams at me, his smile radiant and welcoming.

  I’m going to dump his son shortly, so I feel guilty he’s giving me so much attention and time.

  Both of Josh’s parents have been nothing but kind to me, and I hope they don’t hate me for what I’m about to do.

  I hope Josh doesn’t hate me. I hope he doesn’t think I’ve been leading him on.

  “You must have had a tough week at school, Mia. You look beat.”

  His dad makes small talk on the short drive back to his house, and I nod and offer brief answers to his questions as he glances at me in the rearview mirror.

  I stare out the window, into the dark that is punctuated by street lights on our street corners and the full moon in the clear, nearly black sky.

  “I’m fine, thanks.”

  When he sighs in resignation, I realize Josh makes the same noise sometimes, and I smile to myself as if I’ve discovered a secret.

  I hope Josh wants to stay friends, and that it won’t be awkward to be around each other after tonight.

  If I do actually find the nerve to break up with him.

  “We have pizza on the way, so be sure to eat as much as you want. Josh says you don’t eat enough, and you look a bit on the thin side to me.”

  I cover my face quickly to hide the sudden snort that comes out of my nose.

  If my mother heard that . . .

  “Sounds great. Who doesn’t like pizza?”

  This seems to please him, and he nods agreeably as we arrive at Josh’s family’s house.

  I get out of the car as soon as the garage door starts sliding down noisily behind us.

  “Thanks again for the ride. I appreciate it.”

  When he rests his hand on the top of my head, I catch myself before I cower.

  My mom doesn't hit me, but when she gets this close I know I’m in for something less kind than a pat on the head.

  “No problem. Always happy to have you here, Mia.”

  I’m going to miss this.

  Megan and Alex are wrestling on the sofa in the family room downstairs in a very non-romantic way, laughing at each other’s efforts, and I can’t help but smile.

  “Hey.”

  Josh’s voice is soft and low, meant only for me, as he appears from around the corner of the stairs, where a small refrigerator holds cans of pop and chip dip.

  He offers me an open can of root beer, and I take it as I tuck a stray hair behind my ear, realizing I haven’t brushed it since I came home from school.

  “Thanks, for this,” I nod to the can. “And for asking me over.”

  When he closes the short distance between us and I see his gaze flicker down to my lips, I back away and laugh a little.

  “What are those two doing over there?”

  Josh narrows his eyes, but he looks more confused than upset that I’ve moved away from him, avoiding a kiss.

  “You know how they are.”

  He shakes his head and grabs my free hand, taking a long drink of his Coke.

  I stare at my root beer, knowing there are cans of Diet Coke in the small fridge, and I should probably drink one of those instead.

  Whether I like it or not.

  “Pizza’s here, kids!”

  Josh’s mom calls down the stairs, and he sets his can down on the coffee table in front of the sofa.

  “Guys,
don’t wreck my drink, okay?”

  Alex grunts and Megan laughs as they sit up, straightening their clothes as if they’ve been groping each other all this time, although they haven’t.

  “Hey, Mia.”

  I shake my head at them.

  “You two look like a couple of puppies rolling around.”

  Megan frowns thoughtfully, then nods.

  “I can see that.”

  She punches Alex in the arm and he whines, but his smile doesn’t waver as they stare into each other’s eyes.

  How does that happen? A relationship that is so easy, a connection that seems unbreakable and natural?

  If I wait and don’t break up with Josh, is it possible for us to get to that point, or would it be unfair to keep him with me when he could be happier with another girl who would really love him?

  I close my eyes for a moment and wonder what Kayla would have done. She broke up with Paul so many times, but I was too young to understand what was going on between them.

  Why couldn’t I have paid more attention, both for her sake and mine?

  Instead of waiting for the pizza, I head back to the fridge and switch out my root beer, which is, unfortunately, already open, for a Diet Coke.

  By the time Josh returns with two large pizza boxes and a stack of plastic plates and paper napkins balanced on top of them, I’m sipping at it, trying to convince myself I’m enjoying it as much as I would root beer.

  Josh wrinkles his nose at me.

  “Since when do you drink that?”

  I stand away from the coffee table as the three of them stack slices of pepperoni and sausage pizza on their plates, and Josh offers me a plate with a single slice.

  “I know you won’t eat more than that, although you should.”

  When I take it with a small smile, I feel my hand shake , and I wonder if I’ll be able to eat at all.

  Megan and Alex sit back down on the sofa, their knees together as they slurp at cheese and sauce, and Josh encourages me to sit with him on the love seat that’s angled more towards the center of the room.

  The TV is already on, a streaming channel set up with a selection of movies already prepared for us to choose from.

  “Seriously, Mia. You love root beer.”

  I sit up straight beside him as he leans in close to me, and I can smell a piney scent, as if he’s just taken a shower.

  The ends of his short hair are damp, and something about it, something about the effort he’s made to look his best for me, brings tears to my eyes.

  Instead of responding to him, I look down at the pizza on my plate and pick it apart, pulling the cheese and meat from the crust slowly.

  Kayla always said bread was fattening, so I wonder if I should just eat the toppings.

  “Why are you doing that?”

  Josh puts his hand over my wrist and time seems to stop as I hold my breath.

  “Are we going with giant robot anime or live action aliens?”

  Alex’s voice shatters the moment between us, and I am relieved when Josh answers him back, even as their brief conversation comes to me in a blur of noise that sounds like we’re underwater.

  Josh’s hand is still on me, and I have to find a way to get him alone so I can talk to him.

  If I don’t do this tonight, I’m afraid I never will.

  “You good with that, Mia?”

  At the sound of my name, I nod agreeably and look up at the screen, not caring what we watch.

  I shove a wad of cheese and grease in my mouth, and Josh smiles at me, nodding his approval.

  “It tastes better with the crust, though, but whatever works for you.”

  His fingers leave my skin, and he seems to have forgotten his earlier concern for me as he digs into his own slice.

  When Megan starts to snore about an hour into the movie, I glance over and find her leaning against Alex, his arm around her as he stares at the TV, which is so loud I can’t imagine how she could fall asleep.

  Dirty napkins and empty plates clutter the coffee table along with the open pizza boxes, and Josh and I have settled into each other, side by side holding hands.

  He slides his thumb over my knuckles as I hope he won’t try to kiss me again.

  But isn’t this the ideal set up for that?

  “Can we talk somewhere, just the two of us?”

  I try to whisper it as quietly as possible, but Josh’s frown and Alex’s look in our direction tells me it wasn’t quiet enough.

  “Uh, sure.”

  He keeps my hand in his as he stands up, leading me past the small fridge to the laundry room, where his mother has neatly arranged the soap and fabric softener jugs on a shelf beside a couple of irons.

  Josh pulls me against him as he leans against the washing machine, with one hand around my waist and the palm of the other against my cheek.

  “I think I know what this is about, and I want you to just come out and say it, okay?”

  I blink at him a few times, wondering if I’m hearing things.

  This couldn’t be that easy, could it?

  “Okay,” I smile, but I’m pretty sure it looks more like I’m going to be sick. “I don’t think we should stay together like this, like we’re a couple. I’ve started to feel more like friends, and I don’t want to lead you on anymore when you could be with someone else.”

  His hand falls to my shoulder, and he shifts away from the washer, standing up taller in front of me.

  “You’ve been acting kind of strange lately, not just about us, and I was worried.”

  He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, rubbing at his head hard as if he’s trying to stimulate his thoughts or find the next words.

  “I’m sorry, Josh. I do like you, a lot. I just don’t think in that way, though.”

  His gaze slides back to me, and for a moment, he looks angry.

  “You don’t think? Listen, if there’s a chance . . ."

  I shake my head quickly and he stops talking, looking down instead at our feet, which are only inches apart on the nubby carpet, our heavy socks both dark blue.

  “You’re such a good guy, Josh, and I like everything about you. You deserve someone who can love you back, and I don’t think that’s me.”

  He pulls me close again and since I don’t expect it, I don’t pull away before he kisses me, hard.

  Josh is the only boy who has ever kissed me, and he’s never kissed me like this.

  I can’t move as his hand holds the back of my head, keeping me still as he pushes his tongue against my lips.

  When I finally manage to push him away, gasping, he immediately lets me go.

  “I’m sorry, Mia, Seriously, I don’t know why I did that.”

  I back away and hug my arms around myself, unsure how to respond.

  That was not like the Josh I know at all, and I have no idea what to expect next.

  Chapter Nine

  “I’m sorry, Mia. I’m really sorry. You believe me, don’t you?”

  Josh is so apologetic, so worried that I’m upset now, and I shake my head to reassure him.

  I hold my hands out in front of me to keep him at a distance, and he stares down at them with a frown.

  “I don’t think you understand how much I like you, Mia. Please tell me what I can do to change your mind about this. About us.”

  I wish I could take it back now. This is too much for me to deal with, and I have a sudden memory of a time when Paul refused to leave our house, standing outside the front door crying until Kayla agreed to take him back.

  And it terrifies me.

  “This was a bad time for me to say anything, Josh. I’m sorry I brought it up, I mean, now. But I don’t think we should be together, not as a couple.”

  He covers his face with his hands for a moment, and I’m tempted to run out of the room, up the stairs, and. . . .

  And what? His dad brought me here and he’ll have to drive me home.

  I don’t want to make anything more difficult for Josh,
but how could I explain why I wanted to leave early?

  As Josh rubs at his cheeks, his eyes closed, I feel the heat of tears on my own skin and wipe them away, hoping they won’t be noticeable when he looks at me again.

  “Okay. I’m sorry, this is just a surprise. I mean, I knew something was up with you, but I guess I didn’t expect this.”

  I keep my arms out, wishing I could step farther away from him in this small space.

  “You look like you’re afraid I’ll do something to you, and I won’t. I’m so sorry about that.”

  He doesn’t move any closer, and I feel better when he doesn’t.

  “You might change your mind, though, right? We can still hang out, and . . .”

  I don’t think I’ll change my mind, but I don’t say anything to disagree with him.

  Although I was hoping we could still be friends, I can’t imagine not being nervous around him now.

  “Is everything okay in there?”

  Megan’s voice makes me jump, and Josh takes a deep breath before answering.

  “Yeah, just working some stuff out.”

  A few heartbeats later Megan calls out again.

  “Mia? You good?”

  I nod, then remember she can’t see me as I rest my hand on my damp forehead.

  “Sure, Megan, Thanks.”

  When I tilt my head towards the door, Josh reaches out for my hand and I pull it back involuntarily.

  But he notices, and the hurt in his expression causes a stab of guilt in my chest.

  Was there a better way I could have done this?

  An easier way that wouldn’t have upset him so much?

  “We’ve got a movie to finish and you guys are in there making out. Seriously?”

  Alex’s false annoyance is meant to lighten the mood, I’m sure, but it doesn’t help in the least bit.

  Josh and I step out of the laundry room and sit on the love seat again, a few inches apart, and I take small sips of my Diet Coke as he stares at the TV, leaning against the arm of the furniture with the side of his head in the palm of his hand.

  “It’s getting late, and time for everyone who needs a ride to get ready to go.”

  Josh's father interrupts the tension in the room, and I've never been so relieved to hear his voice at the top of the stairs.