Cop a Feel (Handcuffs and Happily Ever Afters)

by Robyn Peterman

  “Have these been sent to the crypto guys at the FBI?” Luke inquired as he continued to stare at them. “We’re missing something here.”

  “Sent them last week and faxed each new one as it came in,” Steve replied. “Problem is they’re backlogged and we’re not priority.”

  “Jesus, I forgot to pack the Ben Wa balls,” Shoshanna gasped, and hightailed it out of the kitchen. We were all silent for a moment. I wondered if anyone was going to touch that . . . Nope. We went on as if nothing unusual had just happened.

  “Do we have anyone else that can decode?” I asked, mentally running through the specialties of all the agents I had worked with.

  “There are two, but I was a little hesitant to bring them in.” Steve dropped his head to his hands. “Because of the death threats, I had no choice. I called this morning. I should hear back from them within the hour.”

  “You’ll have results?” Luke asked, impressed.

  “No.” Steve laughed without humor. “I’ll have their answer as to whether or not they’ll take the job.”

  “What the hell kind of agent has that kind of clout?” I was shocked. You can always debate with Steve, but what he says goes. Always. Luke seemed as surprised as I was.

  “These agents are rather left of center. They don’t exactly work for me,” Steve continued. “They’re known for their brilliance and shooting skills as well as their talent for destruction of hotel rooms and the massive expense tabs they incur.”

  WTF?

  “Will they take this project?”

  “If they don’t, I’ll sic Kristy on them. Apparently she scares the shit out of them.”

  “I’m confused,” Luke said. “Kristy, the mild-mannered gal who was here? The one engaged to Mitch?”

  “You got it.”

  “No fucking way.” I started to laugh and I couldn’t stop. “Those old hags can decipher code?” I gurgled.

  “Yes they can.” Steve shook his head and ran his hands through his hair.

  “Um, still confused here,” Luke cut in.

  “Your girlfriends,” I sputtered, completely freaked out that I was going to have to work with Mrs. C and Edith. “The ones who took you shopping.”

  Luke blanched. “The dykes?” he whispered, and without conscious thought moved his hand over his crotch for protection.

  “Jesus,” Steve groused, and gave Luke a glare that made many lose their shit. “What the hell is wrong with you? You don’t call a lesbian a fucking dyke.”

  “Oh yes you do,” Luke shot back defensively. “They specifically told me to call them dykes, lesbos, or queers. If I inadvertently used the term rug-muncher or muff-diver, they promised to remove my manbits with a dull butter knife . . . and then feed them to me.”

  Luke was sweating after that diatribe and Steve looked stricken.

  “Sorry, man. I didn’t know,” Steve choked out.

  “I’ve faced the unimaginable and they scare the shit out of me,” Luke murmured as he kept his hand planted firmly on top of his privates.

  “They’ll take the job,” I guaranteed a pale and shaken Steve. A man could go to war, but threaten his jewels and he became a little girl . . .

  “How do you know?”

  “I know because they worship the ground that Shoshanna walks on. They will take an obscene amount of pleasure in permanently eliminating anything or anyone that is a threat to Shoshanna.”

  “Okay great,” Steve said, slowly regaining his authority and his color.

  “Jesus,” Luke groaned. “Will they be staying with us?”

  Shit, I hadn’t even thought about that.

  “No, not initially. I’ll need them here for a few days. I guess,” Steve lowered his voice in terror. “I’ll have them work out of my office until they find something.”

  “Will you be coming up?” I asked Steve.

  “Possibly, but I want to stay on top of the forensics guys and monitor the house and the university.”

  I nodded and wondered what the coming week was going to hold. I’d be dressed like a rubber hooker and Luke would look like a male stripper from a gay biker bar. Shoshanna would be doling out vibrators with her likeness on them and the lesbians were going to get their wish to attend SCREW-Con. Unfortunately, they’d be locked and loaded and that was a scary picture. I didn’t doubt their expertise. I’d have their back and I knew they’d have mine . . . I just didn’t know if I could be around them for that long without trying to kill them myself.

  “Candy—” Steve looked up from an incoming text. “You were right. They’re in one hundred percent. And who’s Mag the Hag?”

  Luke laughed and I rolled my eyes. “Long, fucked-up story that only proves the old biddies are more insane that we thought.”

  “Do I need to hear it? Does it pertain?”

  “Nope, but I can tell you.”

  “Or I can,” Luke chimed in happily.

  “I’m putting myself on a need-to-know basis. If I don’t need to know, then I don’t want to hear. You got it?”

  “Yes, sir.” I grinned and saluted him.

  “I’m out of here. You have me on speed dial. I want you to check in periodically during the day and night till we get this solved.”

  “Roger that,” Luke said, taking a piece of cheese and then deciding against it.

  “I guess we should get going,” I said, getting up from the table to give Steve a quick hug.

  “Not looking like that you’re not,” Shoshanna informed us as she bounced back into the kitchen with an armload of what I assumed to be multicolored Ben Wa balls. “Steve, grab a shopping bag from under the sink before I drop all the vag-balls and make a mess. You two”—she nodded at me and Luke—“need to get changed into your work clothes.”

  “It’s a six-hour drive,” I griped. “There’s no way I can sit in a rubber skirt for six hours.”

  “Then put on the leather shit,” she reasoned, shoving Steve out the back door with the Ben Wa balls. “Steve, put them in the front and then lock it. I’ll be damned if someone’s gonna steal my balls.” She turned back to us and raised her eyebrows. “Move it. We got a Con to get to!”

  “Fine,” I groaned.

  “I don’t know if I can do this,” Luke said as he followed me out of the room.

  “What? The job?” I asked, shocked.

  “No. The fucking clothes.” He laughed.

  “At least we’ll look like idiots together,” I told him, taking his hand in mine and going to our suitcases.

  “Fucking awesome,” he muttered.

  I couldn’t have agreed more.

  Chapter 17

  “Absolutely not,” Luke choked out. “You are not fucking wearing that.”

  “You think I want to look like this?” I snapped as quietly as I could, just in case Eagle Ears Shoshanna was in hearing range. I felt like an ass in tight black leather pants and a matching corset. “I’d rather chew glass and swallow it. And if you think I’m overjoyed that you’re wearing that, you’re on crack,” I hissed, referring to his leather pants and shirtless ensemble.

  “Are you kidding me?” He rolled his eyes and yanked at the chains around his neck. “I look like one of the fucking Village People.”

  I bit back a laugh and had to agree.

  “Put a jacket over that. I will beat the hell out of anybody who looks at your tits. Those are mine.”

  “Um, no . . . actually they’re mine,” I informed him sternly and tried to tuck my overflowing bosom back into the corset. I secretly loved his he-man possessiveness, but I wasn’t about to let him know that. “You’re gonna have to let that ’tude go. This is tame compared to some of my other outfits.”

  Luke leaned back and banged his head on the wall. “These clothes do not bode well for me not being able to screw you blind,” he said, closing his eyes to get away from my boobs.

  I giggled and realized he had a fine point. This was going to be difficult. His shirtless state made my fingers itch to touch him . . . shove him dow
n . . . and stick my tongue down his throat. Tearing my eyes from his pretty parts was hellish, but necessary. We had a job to do—a serious job and my overactive, underused sex drive had no place in the equation.

  “We can do this,” I told him, trying to convince myself as well. “We will do this. Come on, let’s go.”

  “You have to swear to God and the Minnesota Vikings you will come to that island with me, or I’ll drag you into one of the purple rooms in this house and do what I want.”

  “Oh my God,” I gasped. “This isn’t our house. It’s Shoshanna’s. That is just wrong.”

  “Are you kidding me?” He laughed. “She would have no problem whatsoever with that. She’d probably stand outside the door and take notes. Island. Promise. Now.”

  “Fine.” I rolled my eyes and my insides danced with anticipation. “Island. Yes. Now move.” I walked away and he groaned. He’d clearly gotten a good look at my bottom, which was molded into my leather pants within an inch of its life. I gave my hips an extra swing and heard some lovely swearing. God help us all . . .

  The SUV was big and black with tinted windows.

  “Is this fucker bulletproof?” Shoshanna asked with delight.

  “Yep,” Luke answered, getting into the driver’s seat.

  “Hey, I wanna drive,” Shoshanna whined. I’d heard about Shoshanna’s driving skills from Rena and there was no way in hell she was going anywhere close to the driver’s seat.

  “We’re not insured for you to drive,” I explained, giving Luke a look so he wouldn’t contradict me. “It’s a company car, so we have to comply with regulations.” I thought that sounded pretty good, and Shoshanna, while not happy, seemed satisfied.

  “Actually, it’s mine,” Luke said, and I pinched his leg. Finally getting my drift, he quickly added, “But I’m the only one insured to drive it. Plus I’m a guy with a dick, so I have control issues and have to do all the driving. Always.”

  My mouth hung open as I attempted to figure out if he was serious and decided he was. We would have problems in life . . . of that I was sure.

  “Got to love a guy with a dick,” Shoshanna cackled behind us.

  This was going to be a long ride.

  “So Luke,” Shoshanna yelled from the back, making me wince, “what the hell is your deal?”

  “And by that you would mean what?” he replied.

  Holy hell, it occurred to me that I didn’t know his deal—at all. Did he have a family? Where did he grow up? Did he really even live in Minnesota? What was his favorite color? Favorite food? Favorite position? Well, I did kind of know that one . . .

  “Ya know, ex-wives, criminal records, love children. The usual,” she said, and I choked on my spit.

  “None of that.” He chuckled and my grip on the dashboard loosened. When had I grabbed the dash?

  “Family?” she prodded. He clearly didn’t want to talk about himself. This was the first time I truly appreciated Shoshanna’s pushy behavior. “Mother, father, brothers, sisters?”

  “None of the above,” he answered in a clipped tone.

  “What the hell, were you hatched by aliens?”

  “You’re not going to shut up, are you?” Luke asked the little gnat in the backseat.

  “Nope.” She grinned, leaning forward.

  “Fine.” Luke blew out a frustrated sigh. “Put your goddamned seat belt back on and I’ll talk.”

  “I don’t wear them. I find them to be constipating.”

  “I find them to save lives, so put it on. Now.” He spoke to her like a child and she obeyed like a child and then stuck her tongue out at him . . . like a child.

  “If I have poop-shoot problems, it’s going to be your fault,” she warned him. “I’ll make your life a living hell.”

  “I’ll take my chances.”

  I hadn’t uttered a word. I was as curious as Shoshanna, probably more—but I refused to chime in. Just as I didn’t want to know if he was under the crazy assumption that he might be in love with me, I wasn’t sure I wanted all the dirty details of his life. Was that why I hadn’t asked? Was it fear?

  “I’m in my family’s business,” he stated flatly, without emotion. “My parents had me and weren’t quite sure what to do with a baby, so for the first part of my life I lived in Minnesota with my grandparents.”

  “Is that where you live now?” Shoshanna queried.

  “I live in their house, but they passed back when I was in high school.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said, patting him on the back and laying her little head on his shoulder.

  “Shoshanna. Seat belt,” he snapped.

  “Goddammit,” she muttered. “Didn’t think you would notice.”

  “Unless you have a neck as long as a giraffe, there’s no way not to notice.”

  “Point!” she yelled. “So then did you go to your mom and dad?”

  He was quiet and I realized this was a touchy subject. He glanced over at me and I gave him a little smile. He took a deep breath and kept talking.

  “I’ve lived everywhere and I don’t remember most of it. My parents were far better assassi . . . agents than they were parents. I was a prop and somewhat of a nuisance to them. They got blown away on a mission when I was sixteen, so I came back here. I inherited my grandparents’ estate and also my parents’ estate along with their island and their myriad of homes around the world. The end.”

  Wait, what? Was that the island he wanted to take me to?

  “Holy fucking shit.” Shoshanna whistled and threw herself at the back of Luke’s head in what I guessed was a show of sympathy, but his surprise on her impact almost caused us to crash.

  “Seat belt,” Luke and I shouted. Shoshanna slunk back to her seat and fastened her belt.

  “Sweet Mother Mary in a miniskirt,” Shoshanna exploded, never one to let being chastised get her down. “You’re fucking Batman.”

  “Nope. I’m fucking Candy.”

  “Oh my God,” I hissed, and punched his arm. “Shut. Up.”

  “Seriously,” Shoshanna said with a laugh and leaned forward, yet again. “You’re an orphan who’s richer than shit and you fight crime! You’re fucking Batman.”

  It was hard to argue her logic . . . but he was loaded? He owned an island? I mean I did well for myself since I seldom ever did anything that required money. I’d been able to buy and pay off my cute little house and pay my bills, but I certainly wasn’t rich. Never really wanted to be.

  “Do you have an Alfred?” she demanded, totally into her superhero theory.

  “No. No Alfred.” Luke heaved a put-upon sigh and shook his head. I suppose he was thinking this was going to be a long ride too.

  “Do you have anyone?” she asked quietly.

  Luke stole a quick glance at me and then looked away before I had the chance to look away first. “Maybe,” he answered Shoshanna. “I hope so.”

  Fuuuuck, this was a ton of pressure I hadn’t expected or wanted. My stomach churned and my hands clenched to fists. How in the hell was I supposed to be all things to someone when I couldn’t even be that to myself? He was asking too much. I rolled down the window to get some fresh air to clear the tsunami inside my head. My face felt hot and my body felt cold . . . A large warm hand crept over and took mine. My balled-up fists relaxed and a sense of calm immediately washed over me. I turned to him, startled by my reaction, and he just smiled that beautiful smile and winked. He knew.

  “Goddamn, you two were made for each other. You remind me of me and my Herm, God rest his soul. He was the whole package and he had quite a package if you know what I mean. I used to call him Mr. Wonderpecker.”

  I did not want to hear anything about Herm’s pecker and I certainly wasn’t up for answering questions about Luke’s, as impressive as it was, so I quickly changed the subject. “Shoshanna, I read in your files that you have a daughter.”

  “I do. Her name is Sue Junior and she’s a rocket scientist.”

  I waited for the punch line . . . it didn�
�t come.

  “Really?”

  “Yep,” she said proudly. “She’s smarter than a whip, but as socially awkward as I’m profane. I keep hoping for some grandkids, but she told me she thought passing down our DNA was a bad idea.”

  “Oookay.” I was still stuck on the fact that her daughter was a rocket scientist.

  “Anyhoo, I’ve got Steve’s kids to dote on when they’re not with his nasty bitch of an ex-wife, but I am lonely.”

  “You have tons of friends and people who adore you,” I said, feeling the need to fix her.

  “Oh God yeah, and I love them too, just like family, but it’s different when you lose your other half. Herm’s been gone almost nine years and I miss him every day.”

  “I’m sorry,” Luke said.

  “Nope. Don’t be sorry. I had love—the real kind—and I had it for a long time. Herm loved everything about me. He loved that I could use the word fuck as a noun, a verb, and an adjective in a single sentence.” She chuckled. “All my qualities that Sue Junior finds appalling are the things Herm adored.”

  I stared straight ahead. If I spoke, I was afraid I would either cry or profess my undying love to Luke. Neither would be appropriate at the moment. Shoshanna was explaining what I was feeling, not the use of the word fuck part, but the fact that Luke found all the things about me that I thought were relationship deal-breakers to be assets. How was it that a tiny, foul-mouthed, Porno Granny was making my life make sense? How was it that she was strumming my pain with her fingers and singing my life with her words? And what in the hell was the name of that stupid song?

  “You’re daughter’s wrong,” Luke told her. “Your DNA is outstanding and I would be honored if you were my mother, creative use of the F-word and all.”

  “Goddammit,” she groused. “Now I’m gonna cry, you son-of-a-bitch. I’ll tell you what, when we get back to Minneapolis, I’ll adopt you. I’ll have my lawyer draw up the paperwork this week and you can meet your sister Sue Junior at Christmas. Maybe you can talk some sense into your sister’s head, because I sure as hell can’t.”