Broken Things (Faded Photograph Series)

by Andrea Boeshaar

“Dad, I’m curious…are you considering a relationship with Allie?”

  Dad closed his eyes as if steeling himself, and Logan realized the question had shaken him.

  “Sorry I asked. It’s none of my business.”

  “I don’t know how to answer you, Logan. I’m a divorced guy who doesn’t have a relationship with Christ, and Allie’s a devoted Christian. How much hope do you think there is for the two of us?”

  “According to Allie you used to have a relationship with Christ. What happened?”

  “I got involved with your mother, that’s what happened!”

  “David got involved with Bathsheba, but he’s still considered a man after God’s own heart.”

  “Logan, I’m too tired to have this discussion.”

  “Right. You told me that. I apologize.” He hadn’t meant to poke and prod. He merely wanted to help. Lifting the newspaper, Logan reread the headlines.

  “Oh, I give up,” Dad said at last. “Forget breakfast. I’m going to bed. See you later.”

  “Sleep well.”

  Peering over the paper, he watched Dad head for his bedroom. Logan had to admit that he felt somewhat encouraged. He sensed God was at work in his dad’s heart.

  A putrid smell reached his nose. Standing, he crossed the room and hoisted the garbage bag out of its plastic bin. He tied it up and took it out to the dumpster at the far end of the parking lot. As he walked back to the apartment, he realized what a perfect day it was, mild temperature, no clouds in the sky, a light breeze blowing. Inhaling the fresh, fall air, he decided it was a great day to be alive.

  * * *

  Jack wished he were dead. His leg throbbed, his life lay in a shambles, and his career had been snatched out from under him. In short, he had nothing to live for.

  Turning onto his side, he endeavored to ignore his mounting frustration. He tried to switch off his thoughts and sleep, hoping he’d wake up and discover this past month had all been a bad dream. But his attempts failed. Instead, he recalled Allie sitting across the table from him at Zips’ place, saying, “If either of us has a cause to be bitter, it’s me. I didn’t get married first, you did.”

  Oh, God, what did I do? How could I have let the love of my life go? How could I have fallen into sin with a woman I didn’t even like?

  Jack clearly remembered the disappointed expression on Pastor Barlow’s face when he confessed to being intimate with Roxi. He hadn’t yet known she was carrying his child. The act alone had pierced his conscience. Jack said he was sorry. More sorry than any man could ever be. He vowed it wouldn’t happen again. But instead of forgiveness, Jack got a tongue-lashing―which he deserved. He violated God’s laws, after all. But when Pastor Barlow requested that he leave the church and never return, that had been a blow Jack didn’t expect. He never thought Pastor Barlow, one of the godliest men he knew, would cast him out of the church he loved―and in a time when he needed the comfort and support of fellow Christians the most!

  Leaving that day, Jack left his faith too. He realized seventy-times-seven was a concept preached from the pulpit, but it obviously had little bearing in the real world. He had begged for forgiveness, but was turned away.

  Then he learned Roxi was pregnant. He figured it was God’s final judgment. A life sentence. He would forever live with the consequences of his sin…and he had.

  However, what Logan said earlier was true. Jack remembered that much from the Bible. King David had committed a similar transgression―adultery and murder. Ironically, Jack hadn’t ever thought of his situation in the light of King David’s. All Jack knew was that God banished him from His presence.

  So why him and not David?

  Tossing aside his covers, Jack got up and left his bedroom in search of Logan. He almost collided with him near the kitchen.

  “Got a question for you, Mr. Youth Pastor.”

  “Shoot.”

  “You mentioned David earlier and how he sinned with Bathsheba.”

  Logan inclined his head. “What about it?”

  “I guess I don’t understand why David was forgiven and I’m not.”

  A deep frown furrowed Logan’s brow. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean…” Jack hesitated. But in the end he managed to swallow his pride and tell his son about the incident with Pastor Barlow. Something in his soul just needed to know the truth. He figured Logan, with all his years at a Christian college and seminary, could shed some light on the subject.

  When he finished relaying the story, empathy flashed in his son’s eyes..“Dad, I’d venture to say your pastor at the time reacted in the flesh and not under the influence of the Holy Spirit. You said you were his protégée?”

  “Something like that.”

  They walked into the living room, where Jack collapsed into the armchair and Logan sat down on the couch.

  “Pastor Barlow was training me to head up what he called a ‘layman’s ministry.’” The memories rushed forth, this time, unfettered. “Our job as laymen was to win souls to Christ and build up the church.”

  “That’s all well and good, but it’s my opinion that the pastor still didn’t have the right to condemn and dismiss you the way he did―especially when you came to him with a confession and a repentant heart.” Logan leaned forward. “You actually had one up on David who tried to cover up his sin with Bathsheba. God had to send Nathan to point it out.”

  Jack remembered the biblical account. “I still don’t know. Seems like God agreed with Pastor Barlow.”

  “Hmm…” Logan’s gaze penetrated Jack’s sorrow-filled heart. “How well do you know the Bible?”

  Jack shrugged. “I don’t know it like you do, after four years of Bible college and a Masters Degree. But there was a time when I memorized Scripture on a regular basis.”

  “Do you remember 1 John 1:9? ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’”

  “Guess I don’t remember that one.”

  “What about Proverbs 24:16?” Logan seemed to pull the verses out of thin air and Jack felt proud of him. “Are you familiar with that one? ‘A righteous man may fall seven times and rise up again…’ The point is, a righteous man falls, Dad. No one’s perfect. Not even pastors.”

  “If God forgave me, why haven’t I ever felt forgiven?”

  “Remember 1 John 3:20? ‘For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart and knows all things.’ Just because you feel something, doesn’t mean it’s true. Weren’t there days when you woke up and didn’t feel like a father or a police officer? But you were, in spite of how you felt.”

  It made sense. Jack mulled everything over.

  “Dad, are you sure you’re on your way to Heaven?” Logan asked after a time. “The Bible says we can know for sure that we’ll have eternal life. Again, I’ll quote from 1 John. ‘These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life…’”

  “Yes.” An odd lump formed in Jack’s throat. “I accepted the Lord when I was seven years old. But―”

  “No buts. You’re either a believer or you’re not. If you are a believer, one who asked Christ into your heart at some point in your life, then you’re one of God’s children. And if you confess your sins, He is faithful and just to forgive…”

  “You don’t understand, Logan. I sinned big time. I violated God’s laws. And all these years I’ve been lukewarm. In Revelation God says He will spit lukewarm Christians out of His mouth.” Jack paused, his heart wrenching inside his chest. “I think God spit me out a long time ago.”

  “No, He didn’t. The devil just wants you to believe that. The truth is you can’t renew your relationship with Him any time. ‘If we confess our sins―”

  “Logan, I confessed. A hundred times I confessed!”

  “All right, now you’ve got to believe that God will do what He promised. You’re forgiven.”

  Jack didn’t know what
to say. If Logan was right and God’s word was true, then he’d lived with the pain of a gross misunderstanding for thirty miserable years, a greater misunderstanding than the one that had kept him and Allie apart.

  But why? Why did God allow it to happen?

  As if divining his thoughts, Logan said, “Dad, I believe there are two truths in this world, God’s sovereignty and man’s responsibility. In a book I once read, the author wrote, ‘it’s a sovereign God who holds man responsible,’ and I agree. We’re responsible for our thoughts and feelings, our decisions―and our mistakes. But a sovereign God has promised to work it all together for good.” Logan grinned. “What a blessing!”

  Yeah. Some blessing. Jack didn’t think he could abide much more of this conversation. “I’d better get some sleep.”

  Pushing to his feet, he crossed the room. When he reached the hallway, Allie’s words whirred in his head. Today there are two young men in full-time service, preaching the truth of the Bible, and furthering God’s kingdom. Neither would exist if you and I had gotten married.

  Yes, Jack had to admit, Logan was a blessing. He’d been the one bright spot in Jack’s bleak world.

  Contrition and remorse filled his being. If only he’d been a better father…

  Pivoting, he swallowed hard and faced his son. “I appreciate your taking time to answer my questions this morning. I…I’m sure you had better things to do.”

  “You’re welcome, and I didn’t have a single thing going.”

  Jack forced a little smile, born of discomfort. It had been a long time since he’d shared his heart with anyone, let alone his own son. “Logan,” he began, “if God had any good come out of my past and out of all my mistakes, it’s…it’s you.”

  Logan pursed his lips and narrowed his gaze, looking as if he hadn’t heard correctly.

  Jack’s regret turned to utter sorrow. “I guess I should have told you that long before today. I probably should have said a lot of things that I didn’t.”

  “Yeah, you probably should have. But better late than never. I really needed to hear those words from you.” Logan sat back on the couch. “Thanks.”

  After a single, conciliatory nod, Jack turned and walked down the carpeted hallway. He entered his bedroom, closed the door, and strode to his bed, fighting his feelings all the way. Lying on his back, he stared at the white ceiling. It began to swim in a strange way and Jack realized tears had pooled in his eyes. The tears of a man who never allowed emotions to sway him, not even his own.

  Until now.

  “Oh, God,” he whispered, pressing his eyes closed, “if You haven’t already, I beg that You’ll forgive me and…” A verse from the Psalms miraculously entered his head. To the best of his ability, Jack recited it in silence. “Create in me a clean heart, oh, God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from Your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with Your…Your…”

  Jack couldn’t recall the rest and it started to really bug him. Climbing out of bed again, he walked to his closet and opened one of the two sliding doors. He pulled down several boxes from the top shelf and peered inside each one, hoping to find his old Bible. Had he even kept it after all of these years? Finally, he located it, nestled away with a few other things, which he had no desire to rummage through right now. Sitting on the edge of his bed, he flipped through its delicate pages. He paused here and there to read what he’d written in the margins decades ago.

  At last he reached the book of Psalms. Had he known before that it came right after Job? The realization seemed like a sign of hope from above.

  And then he found it. Psalm 51. Jack read the preceding information. “To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet came unto him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.”

  Jack momentarily closed his eyes. Another sign of hope.

  He read the entire chapter and it became his own prayer. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me…

  Jack nearly choked on the words as he read on with misty eyes. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones that thou hast broken may rejoice…

  Create in me a clean heart, O God…restore to me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.

  “Thy free spirit…”

  Jack exhaled slowly. He felt like…no, wait…he believed God had heard his prayer.

  Lord, I’m going to believe You’ve forgiven me because I asked, and because You promised. I’m going to believe you planned this morning’s conversation between Logan, and me and I’m gong to believe You reminded me of this particular psalm for this particular reason…so I would believe.

  With that, Jack closed his Bible and stretched out on his bed. He tucked God’s Word into the crook of his elbow. Sleep came as hard as the ocean ran deep.

  Chapter Nineteen

  A very different Jack Callahan sat beside Allie on Friday night at Colleen’s dinner table. She noticed the change in him almost immediately. The hard, cynical angles in his face seemed to have diminished, and his voice had lost its biting edge.

  Unfortunately, she couldn’t say the same for Brenda. Still the taunting disparager, in spite of her earlier apology.

  So, Allie,” Brenda began, “I hear you’re a widow.”

  “Yes, that’s right.”

  “Some women get all the luck.”

  Colleen gasped. “Brenda!” After shooting her sister a pointed stare, she forked a bite of broccoli coleslaw into her mouth.

  At the other end of the table, Colleen’s husband, Royce, didn’t say a word but continued eating piece of chicken he’d barbequed out on the grill. He looked quite the same as Allie remembered, tall, lanky, reddish-brown, curly hair. The only change was that Royce’s face looked fuller and his hairline had receded, leaving a shining bald patch that went all the way back to the center of his head.

  “So, Allie, tell me your secret.” Brenda stabbed her fork into her chicken leg. “How’d you kill off your husband without landing in jail?”

  “Oh, I didn’t kill him. Erich managed that on his own.” She sensed the question was another attempt to somehow denigrate her character. However, the more Brenda tried, the worse she made herself look and Allie pitied her.

  “I don’t mean to be nosey, but how did your husband die?” Colleen’s eyes held a sincere light. “I hope he wasn’t ill.”

  “In a sense he was. You see, unbeknownst to me, he was in the drug trafficking business. The entire time I thought he was buying, selling, and shipping antiques.”

  Jack sat back in his chair and Allie felt the weight of his regard. “I didn’t know that.”

  Feeling somewhat uncomfortable, she looked at him and shrugged. Then she glanced at everyone around the table. “Please don’t feel sorry for me. God used Erich’s tragic death to make me who I am today, and for that I’m grateful.”

  “Well, like they say,” Royce began, “every cloud has a silver lining, huh?”

  “Oh, I don’t believe it.” Brenda scowled. “How could you not know your husband was dealing drugs?”

  “I was ignorant of his business ventures,” Allie said emphatically.

  Brenda’s expression said she didn’t buy the explanation.

  “You know...” Jack rested his elbow on the back of Allie’s chair. “It’s pretty typical for wives to be in the dark when it comes to their spouses’ shady activities. You couldn’t even begin to imagine the stories I could tell. One time we raided a house and there was a virtual arsenal in the basement. The guy had been robbing his wealthy neighbors’ homes for years and his wife didn’t have a clue.”

  “Hey, I remember reading about that years ago,” Royce said.

  Jack nodded. “And another time, my partner and I answered a call where the bank had foreclosed on a woman’s house, but she refused to get out. She denied up and down that her house had been foreclosed on, but then it came out that her husband lied to her month after month abo
ut paying the mortgage and instead he gambled away all their money.”

  “What a shame.” Colleen wagged her head.

  “See, Brenda,” Royce told his sister-in-law, “things could be worse.”

  “Oh, shut up,” she quipped.

  “Brenda, I know you’re going through a hard time in your marriage,” Allie began as gently as she could, “and I’m sorry to hear it. But divorce isn’t the answer.”

  “Don’t start, Allie.” She slammed down her fork and napkin and glanced around the table. “You all condemn me. I see it in your faces. But did you ever think about how I might feel?”

  “Brenda, I’ve been there,” Allie said. “I know.”

  “We’ve all been there, Brenda,” Colleen added. “Royce and I have had our ups and downs too.”

  “This isn’t an up or down. It’s a done deal.”

  “You just want a divorce,” Royce blurted. “An easy way out. But did you ever stop to think things might get worse if you actually go through with it?”

  “I’ve considered my consequences, yes.”

  Royce shrugged. “I think Dave’s a nice guy. He goes to work everyday. Brings home his paycheck at the end of the week. He’s faithful―”

  “Big deal.”

  “Hey, in this day and age, that is a big deal!” Royce tapped the table with his hand.

  “Dave is boring. He’s got no ambition, no goals in life. But I do. I want a better job, a vacation in Florida every February.”

  “So? What’s stopping you?” Jack wanted to know.

  “Dave! I drag him around like a ball and chain.”

  “Maybe he just needs some encouragement,” Allie suggested.

  Colleen agreed.

  “Why are you all on his side?” Tears filled Brenda’s eyes.

  Allie empathized with her stepsister and wished she could say something that would soften Brenda’s heart. Lord, could You find a way for me to share my testimony?

  Jack nudged her with his elbow. “Maybe you should share your story…you know, about your cheek. That is, if it’s not too personal.”

  Of all the people to prompt her. “It’s not too personal at all.’” She offered a small smile.