One Last Fight

by Brenda Kennedy

  Gus reinserts my mouthpiece, I stand and round my shoulders and stretch my neck. The crowd cheers and stands. I see red and white colors in the arena and I know my fans are still cheering for me. I won’t let them down.

  Leah isn’t here. She never comes.

  I hold the gloves close to my face to block any punches from Kennedy. I hit at the first opportunity. Kennedy stumbles. I hit again and again. The jab punches are quick and efficient. Kennedy backs away into the ropes, and I continue my assault. The referee breaks us up when Kennedy has nowhere to go.

  Kennedy is ahead on points. He holds the Championship so if I want to win, I’ll need to win by a knockout. With my exhaustion level, I don’t see that happening. I pray for strength. I’ll need more than jabs to win this fight. I back up and let Kennedy get off of the ropes. I go at him with more forceful hits, but it’s still not good enough. The bleeding returns to my eyelid and distorts my vision. I try to blink it away, but it does no good.

  I use my arm to wipe the blood from my eyes and Kennedy comes at me. I don’t have time to protect my face with my gloves. I am exposed. He hits hard and I stumble. I try to get my footing, but he hits me again. I stumble again, but I refuse to fall. I can’t see anything. Both of my eyes are nearly swollen shut. The impact from his hits has caused further injuries to my face. I hit blindly and miss. I hit blindly again and miss. The bell dings and Dad escorts me to my corner.

  Gus, Dad, and the doctor work on my injuries. Gus doesn’t bark out orders or instructions. He remains quiet. It must be as bad as it feels. I feel a gush of warmth and taste something metallic before I can see. I look through a small slit in my eyes, and the ring looks like someone has been slaughtered. I feel disappointment. I let my fans, my team, my family, and Leah down. This fight was for Jamie. I hang my head in shame. I wanted to win for my deceased daughter.

  The bleeding returns and the referee stops the fight after round ten, declaring Kennedy the winner. I hear cheers and boos from the arena. I stand as I raise my hand for the fans to know I am all right before being escorted out of the ring. I dread the walk of shame from the ring to my dressing room. I make an oath that the next time I fight Kennedy, I’ll walk away with the Championship.

  I hear a baby cry and I wonder who would have a baby in a boxing arena.

  I open my eyes and see Leah holding Gracie. I blink a few times to let my eyes and mind adjust that I am in the here and now.

  Another dream? Both dreams were so vivid. My heart is still racing from the adrenaline, and my breathing is labored. Is my subconscious telling me I’ll lose the next fight, too? I have no intentions of losing this fight. It’s my last fight and I plan to come out the winner. Some dreams are true, and others aren’t. But how do you tell the difference?

  I fall asleep and have another dream: While I’m working out, Leah shows up with Gracie. I walk over to them with my headgear and mouthpiece still in place. Gracie screams when I reach for her. I quickly remove my boxing equipment and smile at Gracie so she knows it’s me. I reach for her again and this time she comes willingly. Leah and I laugh, and Gracie coos.

  I wake up and look at the clock, it is only 4:44 a.m. on a Sunday. I am now up for the day. I don’t want to risk falling back to sleep and having another dream. I have no desire to see what the next dream brings. I stay in bed while Leah feeds Gracie. I replay the dream of Jamie and of the fight over in my head. I owe it to my family to win this time. They deserve to be proud of me. I know I don’t deserve their love, but damn it, I want it. With all that’s been going on, I wonder if it’s the right time to fight Kennedy. I can’t get my workouts in like I need to. If I want to win, I have to start today. I know Kennedy is and will probably be in some secluded woodlands for the next six months training like a mountain man. That would be the only benefit to being single.

  As soon as Gracie eats, I burp her while Leah sleeps. I place Gracie in her bed and head downstairs to work out. I take the baby monitor and a gallon jug of water with me. I won’t be returning until Gracie needs me or Leah finds me.

  I play the “Eye of the Tiger” on the surround sound. It’s low enough for me to still be able to hear Gracie. Who am I kidding? It could be blaring, and I could still hear Gracie. Her lungs are strong and healthy. I decide to turn the music up a notch, or two. I use the jump ropes before I begin on the bags. After the song plays twice, I glove up and go at it with the speed bag.

  The events of my life play over in my head like a movie. The good, the bad, and the ugly parts of my life replay in slow motion. I fight like I’m trying to kill the bad memories. I have a good life now but not without fucking up along the way. I don’t deserve Leah’s or Gracie’s love, I know that. I’m nothing compared to them. They bring out the best in me, and Leah believes in me when no one else does. If I can finally beat Kennedy, maybe I’ll feel worthy of being loved by not one, but three, great girls. Leah, Jamie, and Gracie? And hopefully someday Madison.

  Jamie loved me. She loved me like I was her knight in shining armor. I move over to the heavy bag now, listening for the screams of Gracie to come to life over the baby monitor. They don’t; I hear nothing but soft breathing. I down the rest of the water and go at it.

  How did I ever get so lucky? When Leah first saw me that day at school, she should have run away fast and far but she didn’t. She stayed and talked and smiled. I swear I think that girl walks on water. I have never known a love like hers before.

  I fight the bag as I remember our wedding day, the birth of Jamie, and then her death. I beat the bag harder. I remember waking up from the coma, and then finding out my daughter is dead and my wife is in what I thought was an irreversible coma. I hit the bag even harder. I think about leaving my wife and turning to drugs. Molly and our moments of intimacy come to my mind. If I could douse those memories with gasoline and ignite them, I would. I have no idea why Leah loves me, or why she forgave me. If the tables were turned and she shared a bed with any man… I think I would have killed him. I know I would have never befriended him. Yeah, I think she definitely walks on water.

  I take my anger for my stupidity out on the punching bag. I’ll continue to do what is right for Leah, and for Gracie. Not because it’s the right thing to do, but because I want to. They love me unconditionally, and I couldn’t be happier. I’ll win the fight with Kennedy, then maybe I’ll deserve their love. Until then, I’ll train like the warrior that Leah wants me to be.

  I hear Leah over the intercom talking sweetly to Gracie. “Ace, get ready. I want to make it to church this morning,” she says, talking into the intercom. I smile and slow the punching bag to a stop. I can’t answer her; it’s a one-way transmission. I shower and dress for church as she instructed.

  Leah

  Two weeks later Kessler’s Sign Company calls me and tells me the sign is ready for the shop. I am so excited. I dress Gracie and wait patiently for Robert.

  We drive to the shop and I spot the new sign from the road: Jamie, Madison, and Grace’s Cozy Corner: Books, Coffee, & Sweets. It’s Your One-Stop Shop.

  “Awe, it’s beautiful,” I say, honestly.

  Kessler’s removed the old sign and replaced it with the new one. It also looks like they added some spot lighting that shines directly onto the new sign.

  “It’s a lot larger and brighter than the last sign.”

  “It is. More names needed more space,” I admit.

  Robert pulls into the parking lot and says, “This should also bring in more business.”

  I get out of the Hummer and admire the sign. It has fancier writing and is displayed above the front door. I look around and the business adjacent to mine is now empty.

  “Your neighbors moved?” Robert asks.

  “Yeah, I talked to them last week. Their business was slow, and they decided to move back to Michigan.”

  Robert carries Gracie over to the empty space, and he looks inside the large picture window.

  “Is this the same size as your space?”

  “I
t’s identical to mine.” I peek in the window. Because it’s empty, it looks larger than my area.

  “I wonder who your new neighbors will be now,” Robert says.

  “I never thought of that. It would be nice if Yankee Candles or Body Works would rent it.”

  Robert laughs. “The purpose is for you to have a business and make money. I have a feeling if either of those businesses went in next to yours, you would have fewer deposits to make at the end of the workday.”

  “Ace, are you insinuating I would spend my hard-earned money on candles and smell goods?”

  “Sweets, that is exactly what I am suggesting.”

  I giggle. “I hope it’s not an auto parts store or a tattoo shop.”

  “Because a teashop complete with the baked goods or a candle factory would be much better for your business,” he says.

  “Good point. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.” We walk into the shop and Bethany and Dove are already setting up. I set up the Pack-n-Play in the office for Gracie, while Robert sets out the bistro tables and chairs.

  Robert has a meeting with Bruce to discuss our upcoming court date. I wanted to go, but at the same time I didn’t. I used work as an excuse to miss it. Robert offered to take Gracie with him, but I wanted him to focus solely on the meeting.

  We have gotten to know and like the Sinclairs. It won’t make it any easier when it’s time for the court date. Madison is ours and I want her to be with Robert and me. We know the Sinclairs love her and they are so good to her, but the thought of their pain of losing her is almost too much to think about. I live my life focusing on what makes me happy and trying to ignore everything that doesn’t. Unicorns and rainbows, as Robert refers to it. Why concentrate on the duct tape and shovels parts of life? The bad things are there whether you want them to be or not.

  Gracie sits in her carrier behind the register and then sleeps in her Pack-n-Play in my office. While she sleeps, it allows me time to catch up on some of my book work. Sales are up and business is better than it ever has been. I consider leasing out the building next to me to expand my own business. If I did, I could add so many more books and maybe even some learning toys. Maybe I could even have a room for smaller kids to play in.

  Is it too much to think about with the upcoming court date? Do I have time to devote to an expansion of the shop? It does help clear my head and it keeps me focused on things other than my threatening depression. I decide to call the owner and ask the price of the second space and to see if they’ll discount it for me since I already lease one space from them. Sadly, I learn the space was already rented earlier today. That was fast. I had no idea this space was such a sought-after area. I should have asked what kind of business I’ll be neighboring with, but I didn’t think about it.

  Gracie enjoys story time as she sits on the lap of today’s guest reader. She is too young to understand the words, but she will enjoy the pictures and looking at the other children. Jo and Carl came into the shop to surprise me and Carl offered to stay and read to the children. Josephine visits, but when Carl reads, she sits on the overstuffed couch and listens to the story. I am reminded in this moment how blessed I am and that it’s the small things in life that mean the most. I think I just realized that I have the best job ever. I am able to bring my child to work with me and be surrounded by loved ones.

  Robert is gone most of the day and comes in near closing time. He doesn’t share what Bruce said at their meeting. I don’t ask. I know he’ll tell me when we are alone. Our court date is next week and it’s all I can think about. We close up and Robert helps with the bistro tables and putting away the orders that came in earlier. I like having him here to help out, but I don’t think I’ll ever tell him that. It’ll be my little secret.

  As we walk out to the car, he says, “The ‘For Lease’ sign is out of the window.” I look at the empty space and the sign is gone and brown paper is taped inside of the windows to keep people from seeing in. “Looks like your adjoining tattoo parlor will be opening sooner than later,” he jokes.

  “Maybe it’ll help drum up business. The guys will get a tattoo while their wives shop for books and drink coffee.”

  “Or vice-versa,” he adds.

  “Or vice-versa. Men read, too, and women have tats. As long as it doesn’t hurt my business, I don’t care what goes in there.”

  Once we are home, Robert bathes Gracie in the kitchen sink while I make dinner. Robert is only eating lean meat and other proteins and everything that’s green. No carbs. I try to eat healthy like him as much as I can, but the no-carb thing does me in. Actually, that is misnamed. It should be no bad carbs, not no carbs. Salads and fruits are good for you, and veggies and fruits have carbs. Added sugar is the carb to eat little of; the sugar in fruits is fine. I never want to eat carbs, until they’re restricted from my diet, then it’s all I can think about. I start craving bread, sweets, and pasta. Once I bought a six pack of Hershey’s full-size candy bars with almonds, and ate all six before I got home. Talk about binge eating. I knew I would eat all six, but I didn’t know I would eat them all at once. I think that in Heaven we will eat chocolate when we want to lose weight.

  I’m happy that Robert is devoting more time to his career as a boxer. He tells me he is training like a warrior.

  Before bed, I finally ask, “What did Bruce have to say?”

  “Nothing new. He just wanted to see how we are and he asked about accommodations at the house for Madison.”

  “He thinks we’ll get custody of her, doesn’t he?”

  “He does. I told him Madison had everything she needs here, including clothing.”

  “It won’t be long now, will it?”

  “This time next week, we’ll know how to proceed with our future,” he says.

  “No matter what, you’ll continue to prepare for your fight, I’ll fight my depression, and we’ll be the best parents we can be to Gracie.”

  He smiles and holds out his pinky, “Pinky promise.”

  It’s not a question but a promise. I offer my pinky and say, “Pinky promise.”

  One week later, Robert and I get ready to go to court for custody of Madison. Mom, Dad, Margie, and Walter show up to keep Gracie. Robert wears a black suit, white shirt, and a red tie. It’s a classy combination. I decided on a red dress to match his tie. I feel confident. We stop by the cemetery to visit Jamie. It always saddens me to be here. I wonder if this will ever pass. We place our flowers down and I pick at the weeds and brush away the leaves. Robert wipes down the tombstone with a tissue that was tucked away in his pocket to use just for this purpose. Nothing new is on her grave today. No single white rose hidden beneath other flowers, nothing. I pray to God and talk to Jamie, hoping that today goes well for everyone. After a few sad tears, we leave.

  Robert holds my hand as we walk into the oversized courtroom. Drake, Chelsea, and Madison are already seated with their attorney. I give a quick wave and look away. Chelsea’s face is red and blotchy. I focus on my steps and Robert’s gentle touch. I watch Bruce, who stands to greet us. Like the last time, no one else is here. I suddenly feel sick. This is it. Today is the day we either get custody of our daughter or we don’t.

  I hug Bruce and quickly sit down. I want to look at Drake, Chelsea, and Madison, but I can’t. I know that our happiness will tear them apart, not just as a family but will rip their hearts from their body. If they get custody of Madison, what will become of Robert and me? I know we promised that life will go on for us, but will it? I close my eyes and take a deep breath, Robert whispers into my ear, “Breathe, Leah.”

  I nod. I hear the doors open in the back of the courtroom and I know it’s the men from the hospital. I don’t look. Suddenly, I feel bitter. This hasn’t affected them at all. I tap my foot repeatedly under the table and Robert tries to slow it. Robert and I received a large lump sum settlement from the hospital. Drake and Chelsea must have, too. There is no amount of money that can correct the hospital’s mistakes. The more I think about it, the
more upset I get.

  “It’ll be over soon, Leah,” Bruce says.

  The judge enters the room and we all stand. I hold on to Robert’s arm for support. My wobbly legs suddenly feel like they won’t support my weight. When the judge sits down, we all follow suit. The judge starts talking and Chelsea begins to cry. I hear sniffles and it tears at my heart strings.

  The judge begins, “A lot has happened in the last month. I’m glad everything has worked out for the best. Madison, you’re home where you should be and I’m sorry you had to endure such a traumatic event in your small life.”

  He said Madison is home where she should be. Does that mean that we won’t get her? I hear a tiny whisper say, “Thank you.” I want to look at Madison, but I can’t. I suddenly feel broken. The black cloud of depression is near.

  “As I said the last time we were in this courtroom together, this isn’t going to be easy. This wasn’t an easy decision. I tried to put myself in your shoes and imagine this was happening to my wife and me. I was hoping this case would be over with by now, but again, life interfered in the cruelest way.”

  Chelsea cries, I cry, and Madison is even crying. Madison’s crying hurts me. Is she crying because she thinks she’ll be removed from the only home she’s ever known? Robert and Bruce try to comfort me.

  The judge continues and says, “I have made my decision and it will stand. It is impossible to please both families. I want everyone to understand that this wasn’t easy. I have here in this courtroom, one child, one biological family, and the family who loves and has raised Madison as their own. Even after they knew she wasn’t their child, that didn’t change anything. They still loved and cared for her.”