Forgiving Eve: A Novel

by Kathryn Hewitt

  Pulling back from my introspection, I whispered, “You always seem to know me but I’m never sure I know you.” Audience take note: Personal Growth happening here.

  “Eve, you are as mysterious to me as your namesake. I only try to learn as much as I can about you.” Another no-answer answer. He was lucky he was so damn good looking.

  “But why? Why bother? Don’t you have enough trouble in your life? Don’t we all?” I was truly baffled.

  “We do. But Eve?” He paused and I pulled away from my little cocoon to look at him. It was hard not to focus on his lips, but I made myself take one for the team and look him in the eye. Which was probably worse, when it came to self-restraint. Those eyes could make a girl wage war.

  “Yeah?” My voice was hoarse.

  “There is so little we have that brings joy or happiness, or even…contentment. You have brought those things into my life. It is worth it to me to pursue it.”

  Wow.

  I mean, the same went for me, but I found it highly doubtful that I was able to give Jack any of those things.

  “Jack, we need to talk.” Oh shit. Greg had fully possessed me and taken over my body.

  “Talk. Please.”

  “Um…” Now that I’d thrown down the gauntlet, I wasn’t exactly sure about where to go from there.

  “Here. I’ll go first. I’m here at camp because when I was five, my mother couldn’t handle me. She didn’t want a child with behavioral problems, a kid who came home everyday with new punishment and a new way to act out. She decided I was completely, and I quote, ‘Fucked up and retarded in the head…Not to mention totally freaky.’ She dropped me off at her best friend’s house and I haven’t seen her since.”

  Wow. There was too much to process all at once.

  “I’m sorry Jack.” It was all I could muster.

  “Why? You didn’t abandon me.” Not true, but I didn’t want to point that out. “Your turn.” He was still clutching me close, but we were comfortable. I was looking up into his beautiful face and I suddenly had an urge to sketch him…and I shook that thought loose. Irma and Richard had messed me up.

  “Ummm…” My turn? “Well, umm…I don’t know.” I dodged his gaze and looked away.

  “Eve. Come on. Give me something. Tell me why you’re here, tell my why you’re afraid to be intimate, tell me why you bleached your glorious raven locks. Give me something. Please.” Again with the statement-question.

  “I can’t.” I hoped Jack understood that I was being truthful and open and bared to him.

  “Snuggs, you can.” He said it softly, and I smiled a little. How often in the past month had I wished to hear him call me by that pet name? But I also realized that to begin to answer his questions meant that I was flaying myself to him. When that was done, it could not be undone. Was I ready for this?

  Looking away, I took in a deep breath. “I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror, so I figured that if I changed something as simple as my hair, I might look like someone else. I could like someone else.” Wow. That came out in a rush. And was that really why I’d dyed my hair? Apparently. My stupid brain was always one step ahead of me.

  “Eve, your hair is beautiful. But I think I’d love you regardless of how you looked.” I looked back abruptly.

  Oh. My. God. Did he just say what I think I heard him say? I felt the walls pressing in on me. I was being swallowed alive and I couldn’t breathe and…

  “Baby…Sorry… Eve? Snuggs? Please, are you ok?” I realized I’d had another anxiety fueled fainting spells. Shit. And of course it was in front of Jack...again. Worse yet was that I’d had it in response to his opening himself up to me. It was good that I didn’t have a large audience this time, but still discouraging. Greg and I had been working on techniques to prevent these kinds of episodes: Breathing, and counting, and focus. But this time I’d been so taken unaware that I hadn’t been able to employ my new tools.

  Clawing to the surface, I finally answered. “Jack, I’m sorry.”

  “You know what? Stop saying that. It’s not really you and, although you are being genuine, I’d prefer a little more of the strong and willful Eve that I know. And I’m worried about you. Why did you just have an anxiety attack?” Hard to breathe again. How could I tell him why I’d freaked?

  “Um…Well…”

  “Yes, Eve. Um, well, um well…UM WELL!” Jack was raising his voice now and his posture was rigid. Apparently I needed to figure something out and fast.

  “Jack?” I hated how tentative my voice sounded. But, it seemed to ease a little of the tension Jack was rocking, so I felt a slightly bolstered. “Jack, you are probably the most attractive man I’ve ever met in person.” Based on his expression, this was the last thing he’d thought I’d say. Thankfully, responses like that to things I say were my comfort zone and I instinctively felt bolder. “I could tell you how you’re the most emotionally supportive person I’ve ever had in my life, but that might be a lie because I had a best friend and he was essentially, just that. But, Jack? That was before I became me.” What the hell was I going on about?? Jack was wisely remaining silent. It’s like he knew that if he started talking, I’d clam up.

  “But ever since I met you, I feel like you’re a part of me. I’m sorry I creeped on you and slept in your bed. Believe me, I understand that what I did was Super freaky and inappropriate, and all kinds of wrong. I mean, you could have been a psycho or a freaky molester or like that guy in our bunk…uh, Billy? Who eats his own boogers? But I knew you weren’t. I was drawn to you.”

  Jack smiled again, his mouth only inches from mine. I wanted to claim that mouth. Again.

  “Ok. I think I’ve pushed you hard enough for today. Snuggs, it’s dinnertime. Should we head to the Caf?” I nodded. “Before we leave, I guess I still need to talk to you about something.” Of course. Why would anything be easy?

  “So where do we stand?” Jack was asking me genuinely, a slightly guarded look on his face. He didn’t fool me; I saw that pure vulnerability.

  “Jack. I screwed up. I was the asshole who pushed you away. I’d had a really bad day, and a setback in therapy and…I guess none of that matters. Excuses are just that…Excuses.” I shuddered. That was a phrase Phil used to say and I suddenly felt physically ill that the words had just come from my mouth. Forcing down the panic that was trying to resurface, I focused on Jack and the look on his face, which could be described in no other way than hopeful. Collecting myself as best I could, I finally said softly, “I think the ball is in your court.” I prayed he wasn’t going to say that where we stood was as friends.

  “Well, if it’s up to me…if it were up to me this whole time…I vote for Eve Harris choosing Jack Wilson. I’ve missed you a lot.”

  “I’ve missed you too, Jack,” I whispered back, still perched in his lap. Oh my god, how I’d missed him. But the fact that we both had so much emotional baggage, that we both weren’t ready, or able, to talk about our issues, was a big hurdle. Like, the Mount Everest of hurdles.

  All of these thoughts were quickly obliterated as Jack’s mouth melded with mine, marking his territory and claiming what was his. Thank god. It had been torture to sit so close to him, to smell his gloriously familiar masculine scent, to feel his muscular body, to bask in his…

  Jack broke the kiss, breathing as heavily as I was. “Snuggs…if we’re good…if we’re back…what the hell are we gonna do when we want to be together? Go farther?”

  “Fuck if I know, Jack. But I should tell you…” How could I say that I wasn’t a virgin? How could I delicately explain that I’d been repeatedly raped by my stepfather several times a week for the last 6 years? Shit. I’d longed for Jack, but I hadn’t thought that far ahead. Even if we decided we were emotionally able to take further physical steps with each other, how would it be possible? We lived in a freaking commune!

  “What?” Jack’s face was calm and collected. He actually looked content. How could I drop this kind of a bomb on him when we’
d just gotten back together? I looked down, fighting the urge to feel ashamed when I knew I shouldn’t…I couldn’t.

  “Umm…Let’s go eat. I’m starving.” I had to escape this situation, if just for the moment. I needed to think about all of the implications that this conversation with Jack had given rise to. Jack regarded me with skepticism, but he let it drop for now. I assumed he sensed how delicate my mindset would be once we re-entered the Caf as a couple. It was a small camp and everyone knew everyone’s gossip.

  I stood and he followed, reaching for my hand and lacing our fingers. It was amazing how he could make the little things that seemed like monumental events to me, seem so natural. Tugging lightly, he led me to the Caf. The minute we entered, my ears were pierced.

  “I knew it!” The shrill and overly loud voice was easily identifiable, and I had to admit that this side of Leila was one I really didn’t appreciate. As she bounded towards Jack and me, smiling broadly and…literally…patting herself on the back in a congratulatory gesture, I was back on team Not-Lei. She knew I hated having attention drawn to me…

  “Hey Lei.” Jack swooped the tiny girl up into his arms, hugging her ferociously and causing a scene, effectively deflecting the eyes from me. Suddenly, I was seeing sparkles and I loved everyone. Jack had done this intentionally. He knew…He knew.

  My stars turned to black holes and I was spiraling again. How did Jack know me so well?

  I ducked my head and exited. I wasn’t hungry. My stomach, in fact, had bottomed out. It was like that moment on the rollercoaster, just as you’ve reached the top, right as the bottom dropped out. But not in a good way. I started to run to my tree, to my Gideon tree, but suddenly it had lost its sacredness. My time with Jack there hadn’t stolen my sanctuary, but it was no longer a place I could allow myself to run to in order to hide. I fought the urge to sob when I realized this. Where could I go? Where was I to escape to?

  Realizing I had nowhere to go, nowhere to turn to, I did the unthinkable.

  “I’m sorry. I know we’re not in hours. I’m just…I don’t know. I need someone to talk to. I need you, Greg.” It pained me to admit it but it was true.

  “Well, finally we may be making headway,” Greg said calmly, his hippie attire unchanging, his whispy ponytail still clinging to its rubberband.

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  “Here I was, monopolizing all of his time and energy and never giving back. How selfish can someone be? I Never gave him the chance to rely on me…to let me help him. I made him do it.”

  “Eve. There are a great many things you have done wrong in your life, highest among which ranks the burning down of your stepfather’s house.” Thanks for pointing that out, Greg. “But listen to me, and listen hard. You Did Not Make Gideon Kill Himself.”

  Greg stared at me, as if trying to measure how much of his last statement had impacted me. I could have just told him…about 20%. I knew I didn’t make Gideon do it, but I was to blame for not allowing him an alternative. When you are in your deepest despair, the people you turn to and rely upon are your family and your friends. Since Gideon only had his parents, and they’d always had a somewhat formal relationship, that left his best friend. Me. I’d failed him. I’d allowed my own self-involvement and my own problems to out shadow his. I’d eclipsed him. Gideon. I’d always felt like I was lost without him; without Gideon there was no Eve.

  “There was no Gideon in Eve and Gideon.” I spoke without thinking, but as I said the words, I knew they were true. I’d destroyed the one person I’d ever loved…and now that I loved another, I lived in terror that I’d destroy him too. It seemed to be what I was good at.

  I was horrified to feel a watery trail make its way downward. A rogue tear had escaped and I was furious. I Never cried and I couldn’t believe that Greg had broken me. I wiped angrily at my cheek, scowling at Greg when I saw his expression soften. I didn’t want pity.

  I wanted condemnation.

  “Eve. I hesitate to console you since we both know that there is some truth in what you’ve come to terms with. But at the same time, I think you’re neglecting to acknowledge that what you were going through required extra energy and attention. It wasn’t exactly as if every time Gideon tried to turn to you, you cut him off and declared the need to go shopping. You had a legitimate issue which required constant attention and support or you would have drowned.

  “Let’s consider the fact that Gideon never came to you. He never gave you the chance to help him or simply be there for him. There is some responsibility which falls onto his shoulders. Pethaps he didn’t feel comfortable discussing his issues with you. You yourself have admitted that aside from being your best friend, you were also boyfriend and girlfriend; you were intimate. Maybe Gideon didn’t feel comfortable turning to you when he feared possible fallout. Or he feared letting you down?

  “Unfortunately we’ll never know what was going on in Gideon’s head. It is a tragic loss, especially since you and I both know how helpful talking to someone can be.” Greg looked at me meaningfully and I returned his heartful look with a glare.

  “Exactly,” I retorted, my tone filled with self-loathing. “Had I let him…forced him to talk to me…” My eyes were watering again so I intentionally looked away from Greg. I knew it was one more thing to learn and accept; to learn to acknowledge that emotions weren’t your enemy, that it was Ok to cry. I was putting that part on the backburner.

  “Eve. You are the only one who can ever forgive yourself. But let’s both be thankful towards Gideon. He may have made an unfortunate decision in taking his life, he may have felt he had no other choice, and that is heartbreaking in itself, but you were a good friend to him, Eve. And Gideon was a good friend to you. So while you might still be angry with him for choosing to end things the way he did, for ‘leaving you,’ as you’ve described it, don’t let resentment or guilt tarnish his memory. Don’t allow yourself to be so caught up in your self-perceived involvement that you lose sight of Gideon himself.

  “We lose people in life, but it is important to learn to live without them while always remembering their spirit. You may not be at fault for Gideon’s choice, but you owe it to him to keep him with you daily, to always remember the noble person he was and the important role he played in your life. And right now? Right now is when your life is the one you need to be evaluating in order to move forward. You need to use Gideon’s strength to spur you on, and do for yourself what you know you need to do, what you know he’d want for you.”

  What the Eff? Seriously, when did my aging hippie life coach turn into Buddha?

  “Ok Eve. I think you’ve had enough tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I was effectively dismissed and Greg returned to the paperwork on his desk, no longer acknowledging my presence. I sat there a moment longer and then got up to leave.

  “Um…thanks.” Not waiting for, or expecting a reply, I left the office and the building, my head spinning with the impact of Greg’s words.

  ✽✽✽

  “Eve.”

  I’d been practically running from Greg and all of the feelings about Gideon that he’d stirred up. I hadn’t seen Jack standing in the shadows and sucked in a breath. I wasn’t sure if I was in a state of mind in which I could add the emotional upheaval of being with him right now, but I owed it to both of us not to run away. I was trying to get better and this was another step along the way.

  “Jack?” Even I could hear the poorly veiled impatience in my voice. Man, I was a bitch.

  “You’re not doing this,” he replied as he took a step toward me and blocked my way.

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “Eve!” Oops. “What did I say about that?”

  “Stop saying I’m sorry?” My voice was rising in pitch.

  “Stop it. Now what the hell was that in the Caf? I thought we’d made a little progress and you bolted.”

  “Look. Jack. I gotta say, I’m not good at any of this. I wouldn’t be here if I were emotionally and psychologically well adjusted. I
’m a complete nightmare. So if you expect perfection, or for things to always go smoothly between us, you might as well give up on all of this right now.” I went to cross my arms over my chest and stopped myself halfway. I needed to get off the defensive and take a moment to think and compose myself. Greg and I had been working too hard for me to not at least try to avoid slipping into old destructive patterns.

  “Snuggs. Cut the crap. I’m not in this for puppy dogs and roses. I fell for you because you’re not completely emotionally and psychologically perfect. It definitely won’t work if you think that’s what I expect. You’re amazing and damaged and crazy strong. It’s why I’m drawn to you. I’m completely fucked up and you have given me a chance, so try for me to give yourself a chance. We are probably never going to be perfect. But why would we want to be? Now that’s my idea of a nightmare.

  “But we can try to be our best selves. Maybe fifty years from now we might be an inch closer to that, but we’ve got to try.” Damn. Looked like even Jack had drunk the cool-aid. I wondered how I could be so oddly comforted by it.

  “You know I am totally un-likeable. Why are you even wanting to try?” I was asking this as a genuine question.

  “I liked you from the moment I met you.” This unbelievably attractive and completely complicated guy had a way to bring me to my knees.

  “Jack?” My voice was quiet. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.” Maybe it was because it was dusk and we were only half-bathed in light that I was able to make a statement like that. Maybe it was Greg. Or, maybe I really was changing. Maybe Phil hadn’t killed all that was Me after all. The only thing I knew was that it was the truth and I wanted Jack to know it. I needed him to know that I was trying, that I was placing value on him, value on his allowing himself to be vulnerable by being so open and honest with me. I was placing value on Us.