Brotherhood of District 23 Complete Series

by Amy Briggs

“There is no right or wrong answer, Seth. It is about determining your destiny and becoming fulfilled.”

  “Yeah, ok, Doc, but let’s be real. A few months ago, I think I would have ranked significance as number one, and that doesn’t seem right. It feels selfish, and I don’t want to be selfish. After spending time as recently as last night listening, like really listening, I would rank connection at the top of my list. It’s hard to separate that want for connection versus my physical desires, though.”

  “Well, the good news is that you’re human, Seth.” He grinned at me. “This isn’t a test where you have to get a perfect score; it’s about developing a balance in your lifestyle where your motivation shifts from being about taking in for yourself and instant gratification, to achieving a level of confidence and self worth where you receive joy from making other people happy, and connecting with them. The love actually develops automatically from those behaviors and actions.”

  “I don’t know how I feel about love, Dr. Rosen. That seems like a pretty huge leap from just developing a connection. Having someone rely on me day to day, that makes me anxious.” I was being honest. I liked Vivian, but it had been one date, and now the doc and me were talking about love? How did we make that leap? I wanted to see her again, though, and I definitely didn’t want some other dude swooping in on her, that’s for sure. The thought of that made my blood boil.

  “You look like you just had a multitude of realizations, Seth. What’s on your mind, really?” Dr. Rosen was really starting to pick up on my facial expressions or something.

  “Ok, here’s the deal. I had a great time with Vivian. She’s beautiful. She’s smart. She’s funny as hell. But the thought of getting so involved that she might rely on me scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I mean, I get by taking care of myself, but I have to come see you every week to keep my head on straight. I’m sleeping a couple nights a week without the nightmares, but I still wake up regularly in a panic, sweaty and confused. The headaches have lessened, but they aren’t gone. I can’t imagine bringing that into someone’s life, and I’m not even sure that I’d want to.”

  “Tell me why you wouldn’t want to share all of yourself with someone,” he asked me point blank, giving me pause. I hesitated, unsure of my answer, and he spoke again. “Be honest with me, and be honest with yourself. What are you afraid of, really?”

  I surveyed his eyes looking for an answer that was truly only within me. I sighed. “I’m afraid.” I hung my head as if I was defeated.

  “What are you afraid of?”

  “I’m afraid of disappointing people. I’m afraid of not being enough. I feel all of this responsibility to make people happy, and it weighs on me like a Mac Truck. I’m afraid I’m not strong enough to take it on. If I continue going like this, I’m going to end up having feelings for this girl, and what if I can’t keep it together?” I felt like such a failure just admitting that.

  “Seth, it is not your job to take on the anxiety and troubles of the world. If this Vivian is the girl, if she’s the one for you, time will tell. If you’re truly giving of yourself, giving of your time, your energy, and your real, raw emotion, she will stay. If she doesn’t, then it was not meant to be anything but a stepping stone, a lesson on your path.” He paused and leaned toward me over his knees, getting my attention. “Is she the girl? The one? I don’t know. You’ve been on one real date in your life at this point. But do you owe yourself the opportunity to find out? To explore the possibility? You’re goddamn right you do.” And with that, he sat back, letting me absorb his words.

  “I want to see her again. I slept like a rock last night, Doc. And I woke up without a headache. She was the first thing I thought of this morning, and I was happy about it. I’m just afraid to fuck it up.”

  “Seth, this is totally normal. Believe me. Even with my wife, I’m afraid to fuck it up sometimes. Relax, enjoy the moment, and remember that true connection with someone comes from giving of yourself. What that means is that in order to really receive love, you have to be open to it. You have to give from a place that is meaningful, and that is going to mean sharing. Sharing your story. Sharing your truths. Maybe not like we do here, but you will need to be authentic with her if you want something real.”

  “I think that I do. I know it’s only been one date, but she’s special. So I need to keep doing what you said?” I had to ask. I was hoping he knew what I meant.

  “Do you mean no sex?” He smirked at me.

  “Yeah,” I replied cautiously.

  “I think it would be wise for you to refrain for a bit. I’d hate for you to get lust or passion mixed up with connection. I know that it probably seems frustrating, but first dates are about getting to know what someone does for a living, what their hobbies are, things like that. If you are serious about establishing a relationship with this woman, then you are going to need to dig a little deeper, and it is my opinion that for you, sex would cloud that judgment. I’m not saying you can never be intimate again, or intimate with her for that matter. I’m just saying, don’t make that a priority, and see where it takes you.”

  “Ok, Doc. I trust you. And I do know what you mean. Don’t get lost in the magnetism. Get to know her. I want to know her,” I admitted.

  “That’s absolutely wonderful, Seth. Now, you said you slept well, is that becoming more regular?”

  “Not especially. I mean, I slept well last night and didn’t have any issues this morning. I went to bed extremely relaxed, and I’ve been working on the meditation stuff we went over, which helps. I’m trying not to take the pills; they make it hard for me to wake up in the morning, and I feel like I’m in a fog on the days after I take them to sleep.” Dr. Rosen had prescribed me sleeping pills to take when I needed them, and we agreed that we would not make them a regular thing. I didn’t like the idea of getting addicted to something like sleeping pills, and I didn’t want to fix my problems with drugs. We agreed that I’d let him know weekly how many times I needed to take them to get a full night’s rest, and then we’d continue to evaluate the situation.

  “Alright, so if you’re taking them three days a week or less, I think we’re fine. Keep me posted on that, and we’ll talk about it again next week. Sound good?” He stood up, signifying that our time was up.

  Standing up to shake his hand, I said, “Thank you, Doc. I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel more, and I know it’s from being able to talk to you about this shit.”

  He smiled and nodded. “Seth, there will always be shit. How you deal with it is what makes you the man you are, and you’re doing everything you should be to get your mind right and become the person you want to be. Keep up the good work.”

  “Thank you.” I turned to walk out, feeling like the world was on my side. The first thing I did was grab my phone from my pocket to text her.

  Nobody had showed up to the open house that day. Frustrated and cranky about it, I gathered my things and made my way outside when the time had finally passed and I could go. That was a house that I’d have to sell and show to one of my clients; an open house just wasn’t going to cut it. As I was packing up my car to leave the property, I saw a truck that reminded me of Seth’s pulling into the driveway next to my car. It didn’t take long for me to realize it was him; when I did, I felt a smile form, changing my day around in an instant.

  He hopped out of his truck in the driveway and sauntered over to where I was standing at my car. “Hey there, darlin’,” he said with that slight southern drawl. I loved the sound of his voice; it was smooth, and when he spoke I would hang on every word.

  “Um, hi there, Jax. What are you doing here? Uh, not that I’m not happy to see you.” I was putting my foot in my mouth within moments.

  “Well, you didn’t return my text, so I figured you were busy showing this house, and I wanted to see you, so I figured I’d come to the open house then.”

  Quickly grabbing my phone from my bag, I saw the text message and visibly rolled my eyes at myself.
“I’m so sorry. I must have had it on silent. I didn’t hear it. I’ve been sitting here doing not much of anything by myself here all day too.”

  “By yourself?” he asked, giving me a scowl.

  “For the record,”—I placed my hand on my hip and pointed at him—“I’ll have you know that I did have someone scheduled to be here with me. However, they had a family emergency at the last minute and had to bail. So I didn’t have a choice. Not. My. Fault.”

  “Alright, sassy pants, not your fault, but I don’t have to like it, either, you know.” He took his sunglasses off to look at me, and of course flash me that smile that was simply irresistible.

  “Oh? Sassy pants? You have no idea.” I started to giggle. “So really, what are you doing here?” I took my jacket off, now that I was technically off the clock. It was still pretty warm out during the day, and my dress was kind of thick, so I was hot. I grabbed a pair of flip-flops from my back seat and dropped them in front of me awaiting his answer.

  “I really just wanted to see you, darlin’.” He leaned against his truck. “I was hoping I could take you to lunch or something?”

  Immediately, I was disappointed. I already had plans with Jess, and we just don’t cancel on each other. “I have plans in a little bit, I’m sorry. But if you’re not doing anything later, my best friend and I will be downtown getting drinks if you’d like to meet up?” I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to spend some more time with him.

  “Downtown, eh? What kind of trouble are you little ladies getting into downtown?”

  “No trouble, just drinks. Just a normal Saturday night.” I laughed.

  “Well, Miss Sassy Pants, I think I just might take you up on it. I want to see more of you. Your friend going to be okay you invited me along?”

  I slipped my feet out of my heels, making me four inches shorter, and put my flip-flops on. I didn’t like to drive in heels; it ruins them. I always had a spare pair of shoes in my car. “She won’t mind at all. Her new boyfriend is going to be meeting us out too. You can quietly judge him with me.” I smiled up at him, then leaned up against my car across from him

  “Oh, is that what we’re going to do? Make some poor dude uncomfortable?”

  “Well, they’ll be silently judging you too, so it’ll be totally fair, really.” He laughed and slid his hands in the front pocket of his jeans.

  “Well, I would love to join you in this judging event.” He grinned. “I am going over to the gym shortly to help Matt and Isabel with some stuff the rest of the afternoon if you’re really not going to join me?” He stuck his lower lip out and pouted like I did the night before, making me laugh.

  “You know what happens when you pout?” I attempted to flirt and playfully looked up at him through my lashes.

  “I know what happens when you pout, but what exactly happens when I pout, sassy pants?” He stepped toward me, closing the distance between us.

  Curling my lips into an excited smile, I leaned into him and rose on my tippy toes, balancing myself against his chest with my hands. “I think turnabout is fair play, don’t you?” I said quietly.

  “I’d say that’s totally fair.” He brought his smile down to mine for a kiss. When his lips touched me, the burning sensation all through me was almost impossible to control. It felt as though we were wrapped in a blanket, and the rest of the world disappeared, just leaving us standing there, connected. His lips were so soft and warm. I honestly could have died happy at that moment, just wrapped up in him.

  I lowered myself back down and ran my hands down his chest. “This pouting thing totally works for me.” I let out a small giggle.

  Laughing back and pulling me in for a squeeze, he agreed. “I’m going to have to agree with you, sassy.” He kissed the top of my head, which was one of my new favorite things, then released me and stepped away. “Ok, it looks like we both have shit to do, so I’ll see you tonight then?”

  “Yes, definitely. I’ll let you know where we are, and we can definitely meet up.”

  “All right, then I’ll see you later, darlin’.” He came in to give me a quick peck on the lips before walking around to the driver’s side of his truck to leave. I gave him a little wave and got in my car as well, where I sat for a moment to relish in the moment.

  My heart raced when he was around, and I was almost short of breath. He was so damn hot. Whenever he was in my presence, I wanted to be touching him. I absolutely loved when he wrapped me up in my arms; he felt so warm and comforting. He was also so sweet, and his demeanor toward me was playful, but also very loving. Twice he’d brought me close and kissed the top of my head, resting his above mine for a moment, and something in that gesture made my heart skip a beat.

  I called Jess on my way home to let her know that he was planning to meet us out. I thought I’d lose my hearing from her squeaky excitement on the phone.

  “Get out! Really? So, we are going on a double date!” she yelled.

  Laughing, I replied, “Yeah, I guess we are. That’s pretty funny. I mean, he’s just meeting us out wherever we are, he said.”

  “This is totally amazing and I cannot wait. What are you wearing tonight? Something slutty? Pretty please?” she teased me.

  “Oh my God, Jess, you’re too much. I hadn’t even given it any thought yet.”

  “You need to wear something tight and short to show off that rocking body of yours. You went casual before, now it’s time to bring out the big guns. I’m serious. You could very well be getting laid tonight, and I’m as excited as if it were my own pussy!” she exclaimed.

  Shaking my head and laughing like a teenager, I was thankful that my windows were up and no bystanders could hear my Bluetooth speaker from the car at the red light I was sitting at. “Good lord, Jess, you are too much.”

  “Yeah, too much, whatever. You love me, and you are just as excited, even though you’re pretending to be cool. You forget I know you. I happen to know that your vagina is sad, and it wants attention from a sexy-ass firefighter.”

  “That might be true.” I started to laugh uncontrollably.

  “Alright, I gotta go. I need to call my parents, and I have a few things to do before I come over. I’m just gonna get an Uber so I don’t have to deal with parking downtown. I hate driving,” I said.

  “Ok, sounds good. Then your sexy hero can just take you home.” I rolled my eyes. She really was too much. While I totally wanted to have sex with him already, that was largely based on how long it had been since I’d had sex last. It had been a while. A long while. He made it clear he was trying to be a gentleman, which I appreciated, so I didn’t think tonight was the night. That certainly didn’t stop me from thinking about what I could wear that would make him wish it was.

  I really fucking hated going downtown. I absolutely avoided it at all costs normally. There are too many people, too many rookies out and about on a Saturday night doing shots, screaming and yelling and not pacing themselves. I always preferred the bars and restaurants on the outskirts of downtown that had a more relaxed vibe compared to the overwhelming noise of the downtown bars and nightclubs.

  That all being said, if little Miss Sexy Sassy Pants Vivian was going downtown on a Saturday night, I was going too. Besides the fact that I frankly didn’t want some other douchebag hitting on her, which he absolutely would, I wanted to see her. Something in her sweet face calmed me every time I was in her presence. I had brought her into my arms twice now, just to hold her, and it was quickly becoming my favorite thing. I towered over her, and bringing her to my chest and resting my head on top of hers felt comforting. I could smell the scent of her shampoo and her perfume mixed together lingering in my nose.

  I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I had a raging hard-on every time she was in the vicinity as well. I anxiously ran my hands through my hair knowing that she’d be wearing something sexy for a night downtown, and I was going to have to control myself. In an effort to give myself a pep talk, I reminded myself the sexual hiatus wasn’t forever, and e
ventually I’d bring her to my bed and claim her over and over. Those thoughts ended up making it worse, so when I pulled up to the gym, I had to try to think of something else before I could go in. The only way to calm that shit down was to think of sad puppies or some shit, but fuck all if it wasn’t near impossible to get the thought of my hands on her out of my mind.

  When I went inside, there were a handful of people working out, but it was dead for the most part. I found Matt and Isabel across the gym floor pointing at something on the wall.

  “What’s happening over here, kids?” I asked, announcing my presence.

  “Hey, dude, we were just discussing taking all of these mirrors down and re-sheetrocking the walls,” Matt replied.

  “Well, that sounds like a pain in the balls, but these mirrors are old and shitty and unnecessary for the type of gym you’re trying to build,” I said knowing full well, I’d be helping sheetrock that wall.

  “That’s what I said,” Isabel replied. “What if we took all that shit down and put up some whiteboards or chalkboards people could use to put their work out on, or something like that?”

  “Well, why don’t you just paint that entire wall in chalkboard paint? Then you’d have nice smooth walls all the time. They’d be black, which is cool looking, but also you could put your own messages and stuff up, and it would be easy to clean up with water or erasers or whatever.” I had seen some home show on TV do chalkboard paint on a door in a kitchen so the family could write their weekly chores and shit on it, and sometimes the mom used it to write messages for the family. Seemed like a pretty cool idea that would work for the gym too.

  “I love that idea!” Isabel exclaimed. “I want to do that behind the counter at the front too. That way when there’s news or something, we can just put it up there and change it super easily. Write that down, Matt.” She motioned to him. He was holding a notebook and was clearly her scribe for the day.

  “Your wish is my command,” Matt teased her.