by Amy Briggs
“I want to kiss you all over, Viv, but I don’t want this to go too far tonight. You’re making this impossible,” he said almost inaudibly.
“We can do whatever you want tonight, Seth. Anything.” I meant anything. I wanted to feel him inside me. I wanted to feel his skin against mine.
He sighed deeply, then kissed me deeper than he had before. It wasn’t rough; it was purely passion. As his lips pulled away from mine, he began to plant soft kisses down my neck and across my chest. He pulled my tank top down again, more this time, exposing my sensitive, pebbled nipples. Taking one into his mouth, he gently grazed it with his teeth, causing me to rock my hips upward into his. As he swirled his tongue around one, his hand moved to the other, gently stimulating me to the point of madness. His licking and suckling my nipples began to set me over the edge as I started to lose myself and my release built up.
“You taste so good, darlin’,” he whispered between licks.
“I can’t take it, Jax. You’re making me lose it here,” I panted, short of breath from the intensity of my desire.
“Good,” he rumbled as he took the other nipple into his mouth, leaving the first cold and wet from his attention, making it painfully hard, and yet still feeling so intensely pleasurable. He moved a hand between my legs and began rubbing me gently as he devoured the other nipple, now tripled in sensitivity. My legs began to shake, and the pleasure I felt was uncontainable as I started to pant and roll my hips into his roving hand. As he rubbed my clit gently, with my tit firmly in his mouth, I cried out in ecstasy. I couldn’t control it any longer, was completely unable to control the massive orgasm for another second.
“Seth! Oh my God,” I moaned out breathlessly. I still had one hand above my head, the other around the back of his head as his tongue feverishly flicked at my nipple, intensifying every nerve in my body. The waves of my release washed over me with such magnitude, my eyes rolled back and I moaned loudly.
“Yes, that’s it, baby.” He increased his movements to align with mine, coaxing my orgasm out, making it last longer. As I came out of my euphoria and my hips fell to the couch, he unlatched his mouth and gently covered my breasts up with my shirt again. I was soaked. I had never had an orgasm fully clothed like that; it took my breath away, and as my chest heaved, he moved his lips to mine. “You’re amazing, Vivian,” he whispered to me.
Barely able to speak, I said, “Seth, that’s never happened like that. I can’t believe how much you turn me on.” I was still practically panting at him as he began to get up, bringing me up to straddle him again.
“Baby, there’s so much more where that came from.” His eyes roamed my body as I sat face-to-face with him on his lap.
“We don’t have to stop,” I whispered, leaning in to kiss him when he held me in place.
“We do. We have to stop, Viv.” His firm grasp on my hips prevented me from moving closer into him.
“Why?” I pouted. “What about you? I want you to feel as good as I do.”
“Put that pouty lip away, sassy. Believe me, I feel amazing. You have no idea,” he said, softening his features. He brought our foreheads together and closed his eyes, sighing. “I don’t need anything else tonight but you in my arms, ok?”
“Ok.” I leaned to the side so I could sink into a full embrace with him. He rested his head on my shoulder, slumping into me a bit, and held me tightly. “Are you ok, Seth?” I slid off of his lap to sit next to him and look at him.
“I am, Viv. I’ve been troubled in the past, but right now, I’m really great,” he replied, stroking my face.
“We’ve all been in the darkness, Jax, it’s what you do to stay out of it that matters most,” I whispered, wondering what troubled him.
“And that is what I’m working on, darlin’. I promise you.” His gaze retreated from me to somewhere else for a moment; I wasn’t sure where. Then he asked me, “Where does your darkness come from, Vivian?”
Pursing my lips, unsure I was ready to talk about it, I stiffened my posture. I figured that if I was going to catch the disease of feelings after two days, I might as well just say what was on my mind and see how he reacted. “I told you that my brother died and that it was obviously very hard on my parents.”
“Yes, you did. What happened to him, Vivian?” He looked directly into my eyes, searching for something.
Without any movement, a tear fell from my eye before I even spoke. “He killed himself shortly after he came back from Afghanistan. He never told anyone anything was wrong. He just left a note saying that he was sorry and that he just couldn’t take the pain anymore. We don’t know what pain. But it had to be horrible for him to suffer alone like that, and it troubles me daily, Seth. There is not a single day that goes by that I don’t wish I had been a better sister, a better friend to him. Every day I fight the urge to scream at him for not coming to any of us, for taking on the burden of his demons alone; some days I feel like I’m lost in black fog, searching for the answers to why he did it.”
I had looked down to try to prevent any more tears, and when I looked up, the color in Seth’s face had completely drained; he was pale as a ghost, taking me by surprise.
“Seth, are you ok?” I gasped.
“I… Umm… Your brother was military?” he asked me quietly.
“Yes, he was a Marine. When he came back from deployment, he was quiet and didn’t want to talk about it much, but we thought that was normal because we wouldn’t understand or something. We didn’t come from a military family. He was the first in ours to join the service.”
“Well, you know I was in the Marines as well obviously,” he said, still looking shocked.
“Yes, I remember you telling me.” I ran my fingers softly over his tattoo. He placed his hand gently over mine resting on his forearm. “Do you think something happened over there that he couldn’t recover from emotionally?” I asked quietly.
“I don’t know, Vivian. Deployment can change you no matter what you see or you do there. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes you don’t have to see or experience any specific incident or any kind of loss to be troubled or to be suffering in a way you don’t know how to recover from,” he replied softly, reaching up to wipe my tears away. I felt so vulnerable in that moment, sharing my sadness about Michael’s death. The pit in my stomach grew, making me cold.
Seth shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his gaze turning away from me. I presumed that he must have been thinking of his own deployments that surely brought him his own demons. I wanted to comfort him. “Seth, I’m sorry I brought it up.” I looked down at my hands, fidgeting with my nails nervously. I knew how to ruin a moment, that’s for sure.
He looked back at me, shaken from whatever had stolen his thoughts for a moment. “Vivian, never apologize for sharing your feelings; especially about this. I just don’t think I’m ready to talk about how I feel right now though. I’m sorry.” He took my hands in his and brought them to his lips, resting them there. It was a moment I’d never forget as I watched him struggle internally with whatever darkness was occupying his mind.
“Viv, it’s getting late. I’m going to go home.” He stood up abruptly.
“Seth, I’m so sorry, you don’t have to go.” I stood up with him, almost pleading.
“Darlin’,”—he caressed my face—“don’t be sorry. It is really late. You didn’t do anything wrong. Please don’t think that, ok? Promise me.” He looked intently into my eyes.
“Ok,” I whispered, feeling like I had ruined the night.
I followed him to the door after he put his shoes on and gathered his keys, wrapping myself in a blanket on the way. Before opening the door, he turned to me and said, “Vivian Deveraux, you’re special in ways I cannot describe, and in such a short period of time, you bring me light. Don’t ever let me dim that light in you.” My eyes welled up with tears that were going to fall at any moment as I simply nodded, afraid to speak.
He cradled my face, brought his lips softly to mine, and whispered, �
�I promise this isn’t good-bye or anything; it’s just good night, beautiful. I’ve got to go, but I’ll be back. I promise.” And with that, he kissed me softly and disappeared out the front door. As soon as the door closed, a waterfall of tears fell from my eyes, completely silently.
The striking similarities between Jax and Michael brought me to my knees, and I sat on the kitchen floor, silently weeping. The overwhelming guilt of losing Michael continued to consume me. Like a heavy, wet blanket wrapped around my heart, my chest tightened and my despair turned to the thought of losing Seth before I even had him, and how I’d brought up something painful for him as well. He seemed to be such a good man. He was thoughtful and attentive; and I was so foolish and naïve to not think of his feelings when I brought up Michael’s suicide. Clearly, I had struck a nerve with him, and surely he had his own darkness, his own troubles he wasn’t ready to share, and I quite possibly ruined the chance to truly get to know him. Loss loomed over me, choking me like smoke as I cried on the floor, feeling like a fool.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Feeling like I had been stabbed in the gut and survived to tell the tale, I pulled out of her driveway short of breath and practically hyperventilating. Her brother, a fellow Marine, fucking killed himself after he got home. Fuck. I couldn’t handle the overwhelming similarities between him and myself in that moment, and I wasn’t sure how I even felt about them. I probably should have stayed and consoled her, maybe even confessed my demons, but the walls felt like they were closing in on me, so I fled. Like a fucking coward, I ran.
I slammed my hands on the steering wheel, cursing myself for how I handled that conversation. The very conversation that Dr. Rosen wanted me to have I completely cut and run out on. I could tell that she was upset, and I was so torn on how to handle that. I was a leader at work, and I was a leader in the Marines; however, I had no idea how to take care of her, or myself for that matter, when it came to this. I knew that leaving at that moment hurt her. I definitely fucked this up; and if I wanted her to be in my life, which I was pretty sure I did, I was going to need to figure out how to fix this. But first, I was going to drown in the pain and darkness.
When I got home, I immediately went to the fridge and grabbed a beer, sucking most of it down immediately. Another no-no on Dr. Rosen’s rules; however, since I was breaking them anyway, I might as well break them with a buzz to dull the fucking pain a little bit. I paced around my kitchen, running my hands through my hair, not even really trying to regain composure yet. Mostly, I was just processing the last couple of days. Not only had I started to fall for a chick in a matter of days, I’d made her come, then I made her cry. Fucking stellar job. I was kidding myself that I could do this; be normal. I grabbed another beer immediately, thankful that I was alone and Matt and Isabel weren’t there.
Unable to organize my thoughts at all, I drank away the pain. I drank away the pain of my reality, of my whole fucking existence. I was an asshole for leaving her like that, and I was fucking weak for not being the kind of man that would stay. As I pictured the tears well up in her sweet face, I cursed myself more for hurting her. She opened up to me about her darkness; she was so strong, and so beautiful. She deserved so much more than me. As I sank lower in my self-wallowing, finishing several beers on top of what I’d already had that evening, I got myself stinking drunk. I ended up passing out on my couch for who knows how long, but when I woke, it looked like the sun was starting to come up.
I was supposed to go to work that morning. I only had one day off that week, but I called Brian to tell him I was taking a sick day. He wasn’t pleased with the last-minute notice, and I knew that it was especially frowned upon to call out on a Sunday, since Saturday was a party night. Whatever, I never called out, ever, and I needed to be alone. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to feel shitty, which I did. Punishing myself by spending the day with my darkness was what I deserved. I moved myself from the couch to my bed, a headache already forming, and tried to sleep away my guilt.
Sometime around noon, I woke up from what had been a horrible sleep. The alcohol, the emotions, the nightmares, all of it left me feeling like shit. I peeked out the window to see what it was like outside. The sun was shining, barely a cloud in the sky. What I would have done for a dark, gloomy thunderstorm to fall from the sky. I went to the kitchen and grabbed another beer for what I was calling breakfast, presuming it would help the headache go away. Drinking it on my way to the bathroom, I set it on the counter and looked at my reflection. The man looking back at me was broken. Not the man I thought I could become. Not the man a precious soul like Vivian deserved in her life. As the thought of losing the opportunity to know her came into focus, I felt warm tears fall down my face.
I began to lose the faith I had that I could ever be well. That I could become the man someone like her deserved. She deserved light in her life. She was like sunshine, burning brightly with that beautiful smile and sparkling eyes, and I was the dark storm cloud ruining a perfect day. Even with her sadness and grief, she was brilliance like the stars on a summer night. She literally sparkled when she spoke, and I would ruin her. Knowing that I had made her cry brought more of my own tears, and I stepped in the shower in an attempt to wash them away. I’d never cried. Even through loss or terrible trauma at work, even through the things I witnessed in my lifetime, I’d never shed a tear in my life. I held in my feelings for so long, I didn’t even know what they felt like, and as they rose to the surface, I choked on my tears. As the warm water hit me, I sunk to the floor and let them all out. Every emotion I’d ever kept inside. Every hurt. Every loss I’d suffered. Every soldier that didn’t make it home. Every life we didn’t save on the job. I cried for all of them. I wept for every single one of them.
I gently cried myself to sleep knowing that I had upset him, wishing I’d thought better of the story I told. I know he was the one who asked me about Michael, but maybe I should have thought how that might affect him as a fellow Marine. It was terribly insensitive of me to let my emotions get the better of me, especially after what had been such a wonderful evening together. I didn’t blame him for leaving when he did; it just stung, and I felt the little pit in my stomach grow as the day had gone on without hearing from him.
He said it wasn’t good-bye, it was just good night, but it felt more final than that. He looked as though he’d had the wind knocked out of him when he left, and I was worried for him. I refused to make the same mistakes I did with Michael, and I decided that I’d take matters into my own hands. While he did walk away last night, I couldn’t in good conscience fault him. I had no idea what he’d seen, what he’d been through in his life. He’d been deployed just like Michael. Who knew what happened over there? Nobody ever tells you the whole story. Adding to that, his actual job was to save people. I’m not so naïve as to believe that he’s been able to save everyone. My heart broke for him, the pain he must be in.
I rescheduled all of my appointments for the day and got in the shower. I needed to talk to Jess, and I definitely needed to talk to my parents, and then if I still hadn’t heard from him, I planned to just go see him. Even if he didn’t want to talk, his parting words left me feeling like he was lost in the darkness and feared that would affect me, and he needed to know that my grief was different. That he wasn’t alone if he didn’t want to be. I would be there for him if he’d have me; there was something that drew me to him, to his heart, like he needed me and I needed him as well.
I called Jess first after I got out of the shower and told her everything that happened.
“So you’re telling me that he got you off, with all of your clothes on, and then somehow your brother’s death came up, and he bailed out?” she exclaimed.
While that was kind of the short version of what happened, I replied, “Yes, more or less. I mean we talked. He asked me what happened to Michael, and I told him the truth. They were both Marines, you know, and I think that something I said triggered him, and he immediately stiffened up and said it was getting
late and he needed to go home.”
“Well, did he say anything else, or did he just leave it like that?” She had a skeptical tone in her voice, indicating to me that she didn’t like that he’d run out. I knew how she thought.
“Yes, he said that I was light, and that I should not let his darkness dim my light,” I repeated quietly.
“Well, fuck, Viv. That’s some deep shit. You know, he might be too brooding and troubled for you. Are you sure you want that in your life? It took you so long to come out of the fog after Michael. I don’t want to see you dragged back down into your own darkness again.” She sounded concerned.
“I can honestly say that while I shed a few tears talking about Michael to him, the grief didn’t consume me like it used to. I didn’t fall backwards into that pit. I am more upset that I’d said something that upset him. I’ll always miss and love my brother, but I’ve learned to just kind of let it go. I can’t change what happened. But I can cope. I can move on. Michael would have wanted all of us to move on, I know that. We all know that, right?” I rationalized.
“That we do, Viv. Your brother’s death affected all of us, but he always wanted you to be happy. I’ve never in my life seen siblings who didn’t ever give each other shit, who just genuinely supported each other wholeheartedly, and I think he’d be so proud of you for seeing that.”
“Thanks Jess. I think so too.”
“So, what’s your next move then? What are you going to do about the brooding hero?”
“I haven’t heard from him. Part of me thinks I should leave him be, but I have an overwhelming urge to go to him. I want to find him and see if he’s ok. Is that totally stupid?” I asked.
