by Amy Briggs
Letting out a hefty sigh, she replied, “I don’t think it’s stupid, but I think you should prepare yourself if he pushes you away. You can’t make something work if everyone involved isn’t on the same page. On the other hand, if he sees you as his light, and you want to be that light, then you should be. I would give him a day, though. You have no idea what he’s doing, and he might need a little bit of space.”
“Yea, maybe you’re right. I was looking at flights, and there’s a deal if I go see my parents today but come home tomorrow night. It’s only a two-hour flight. I thought maybe I’d go surprise them, and then when I get back, hopefully Jax and I will have talked. What do you think?”
“I think that’s a fucking fantastic idea. Book it, I’ll come over and take you to the airport, you can surprise your parents. It would make their day, and then maybe your mom will get off your case a little bit since she gets to have you tonight and tomorrow.”
“Ok, I’m going to do that now. The flight was at three, so if you could come in an hour and get me, that’s plenty of time, because I don’t have a bunch of luggage or anything for a one-night trip.”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you then.”
After we hung up, I texted my mom to make sure that she and my dad would be around later. I asked under the pretense of calling her later and making sure she was available to chat. My mom had become quite the texter and told me way more information than I needed to make my plans. I was able to find out that they were going to be home all evening, and my mother was very excited about not cooking and ordering takeout. I kind of laughed at that one. My mom used to love cooking for the family, but over the years she said she was exhausted from feeding the boys. I think she just really enjoyed getting all dressed up and going out to eat. I got my love of fashion and shoes from that woman, and anytime we had a chance to dress up, we did.
I quickly grabbed a few things and threw them into a duffle. I was only going for one night, so I didn’t need much, but knowing my mom, she’d want to go out for a nice breakfast or something, so I planned accordingly.
Before I knew it, I was at the airport, sitting on a plane and heading to see my parents. I still hadn’t heard from Seth, but I was optimistic that I would. I did decide that I wouldn’t text him first, at least not until I got home the next night. I was hopeful that giving him space for a day would give him the time he needed and we could talk, or better yet see each other when I got home.
In the late afternoon, I finally managed to pull myself together, get composed, and call my sister. We were close. We didn’t see each other as often as we wanted, but she had kids, my niece and nephew, a job, and a husband. Her life was busy, and I worked odd hours.
“Hey, Savannah, how goes the mom life?” I tried to sound upbeat.
“It goes the same as usual. Everyone here makes a mess and I’m horrible for making them clean it up. And then I’m the favorite. And then they’re crying. Every day is a new and exciting challenge.” She laughed. “How are you, little brother? Haven’t heard from you in a while.” Her southern accent was much more prominent than mine, and especially when she got riled up, it really came out. Hearing her voice made me smile a bit.
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I know I’m due for a visit to your place to see the kids and all, but I was wondering if maybe you could meet up with me for a drink tonight?”
“It’s kind of hard, but let me see what Randy has planned. A night with the kids on his own would do wonders for his appreciation of me. Are you ok, Seth?” She sounded concerned.
“I’ve been better, Savannah. I could really use family right now, and I want to fill you in on everything face-to-face.”
“Ok, how about seven o’clock at Shea’s? I know it’s on my side of town, but it’s quiet and you can get away from your side for an evening,” she suggested.
“That sounds good. Thanks, sis. I appreciate it. I know it’s a pain in the ass to get away, but I just need to talk some shit out, and you’re the only one who gives me good advice,” I confessed. Dr. Rosen gave good advice too, if I’d fucking followed it. At least I didn’t sleep with Viv before I bugged out. I’d never be able to fix that kind of colossal fuck up.
“That’s what big sisters are for. I’ll meet you there. We’ll have some quality time. See you at seven,” she replied before hanging up.
A bit of the weight of my emotions lifted knowing that I could be honest with my sister. The only reason I hadn’t told her I was seeing Dr. Rosen in the first place was because we were both so busy, I didn’t want her to worry. After my fucking breakdown today, I felt like a little kid who needed his parents, and my sister was the next best thing. I decided that I needed to send Vivian a text too. I felt like such a fucking jerk; I hoped she wouldn’t be mad at me and I’d be able to explain what I was going through.
I spent the next couple of hours hoping to hear back from Vivian, which I did not, making me completely sick to my stomach. I’d received texts from Matt, so my phone was definitely working; she just wasn’t responding. As the thought that I’d ruined my chances with her became more real, I began to rack my brain on why I cared so much after only going out with her a couple of times. The answer was simple. I was falling for this chick. I dropped my head into my hands and audibly groaned in frustration. How did any of this even happen? One minute I was just a cool dude, doing my own thing, working on battling my demons; and the next minute I was a hot fucking mess, fretting over a beautiful, young, sassy real estate agent. Fuck. My life was already better with her in it, and she wasn’t speaking to me. Fuck.
I pulled into the parking lot of Shea’s just before seven. My sister was prompt unless the kids were into some shit, but since I told her I needed to talk, I was pretty sure she’d be on time, if not early. Sure enough, she was already there in the parking lot waiting for me.
“Hey, sister.” I gave her a huge hug immediately.
“Hey, brother,” she replied as we made our way in.
Once seated, we quickly ordered drinks and she began questioning me. “You look like shit, Seth. What is going on with you? Are you sleeping at all?” She looked at me intently, scrunching her brows as she examined me.
“Well, thanks, Savannah. You look lovely too,” I tried to tease her, but she wasn’t having it.
“Seth, let’s cut the bullshit.” She leaned forward, taking one of my hands in hers. “What’s going on with you? Something is clearly not right for you to call me and want to talk in person.” She softened her tone, causing me to relax my nervousness and open up.
“I’ve been seeing a shrink,” I blurted out.
“Ok. That’s not the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Through the VA?” she asked.
“Yes. He thinks I have PTSD, even though there isn’t anything in particular that happened that triggered it when I was deployed or anything. He thinks that the deployment itself, along with my day job and the things I see day in and day out, has gotten to me, and that I’ve closed myself off from meaningful relationships as a result of it.” That seemed like a fairly appropriate summary of Dr. Rosen’s initial diagnosis.
“Keep going,” she coaxed.
“I’ve been having a lot of nightmares and trouble sleeping, so he’s been trying to help me… uh…well, he’s been trying to help me become the man I want to be.”
“And who is that, Seth?” she asked softly.
I sighed, and leaned back in my seat. Looking for the words to say, I glanced around the room. I immediately spotted Jess, Vivian’s best friend. She met my eyes and glared at me, shaking her head. I couldn’t figure out what that was about, but it dragged me from my thoughts when my sister snapped in my face to bring me back. “Who is the man you want to be, Seth?”
I once again put my face in my hands and sighed. Looking up at her from across the table, I said, “I want to be a man who knows how to deal with demons and keeps them at bay. I want to be a man who deserves to be loved, a man who’s capable of loving. I want to be someone’s light
, Savannah. And most of the time, I have an overwhelming darkness inside me that keeps me disconnected. I go through the motions. I hang out with my buddies, I spend time with the wrong kind of girls I’d never introduce to mom and dad, and I drink too much. I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I want more, but I haven’t been able to figure out how to do that on my own.”
“Seth, you’re a good man. You’ve served your country. You continue to serve the community. Why would you think you don’t deserve love? What happened to you?” She had tears in her eyes as she looked at me with pity.
“Please don’t cry, Savannah. Please?” I reached back out and took her hand. “I don’t know what happened. Somewhere along the way I just got lost. But I’d been getting much better. I even met a girl. A woman. She’s amazing, actually. I think I may have seriously fucked it up, though,” I admitted.
“What happened?” Savannah asked, brushing away the tear that had fallen.
“Last night, we were at her house, watching a movie, sort of. We were talking, and exchanging stories, and I asked how her brother died. She had mentioned him before and didn’t want to talk about him, but then she kind of brought it up, so I asked.”
“Oh no, what happened to him?” Savannah put her hand to her mouth waiting for the bomb to drop.
“He was a Marine. He must have seen some shit, some awful shit, Savannah.” I searched for the words and then just came out with it. “When he came home from his deployment, he killed himself.”
“Oh my God, that’s awful,” she gasped.
“It is fucking awful, and I didn’t mean to make her cry. I had no idea. I made this sweet, beautiful girl cry, Savannah. I’m such a dick.”
“I’m sure that you specifically didn’t make her cry. It’s a sad and horrible thing to lose someone, especially like that. Memories can evoke emotions, that’s how it works,” she reassured me.
“Oh, it gets worse.” I held my hand up to stop her from consoling me more.
“Oh, shit. What did you do?” She made a face that looked like she was waiting to get hit with something. She was.
“I fucking left. I completely bailed. I told her it was late and I had to go. She knew something wasn’t right. She was apologizing and holding back tears, and I fucking left her like that because I was too big of a fucking pussy to just open up to her. I froze when she told me about him, and I just fucking left.” Groaning into my hands, I ran them through my hair, exasperated with myself as I leaned back in my booth seat.
“Well, shit, Seth. I need another drink, goddamn.” She ran her hands through her short hair as well. Shaking her head at me, she didn’t need to say anything else.
“Yeah, fucking tell me about it.” She flagged down our server and pointed at our drinks, indicating our need for more.
“Well, tell me about this girl. You fucked up, yes, and you look like fucking dog shit, so tell me what you’re going to do about all of this. All of it.” She made a motion with her arms opening them wide.
“Well, I’ve been seeing this shrink like I told you. This all started with him. He wanted me to connect with people on a deeper level. It seems that my coping mechanism for dealing with shit was to disconnect and have meaningless relationships and just go through the motions. So he’s been working with me on some things like meditation that helps me calm my mind and sleep. I’ve been drinking a lot less, except for today and last night, of course.” I held my beer up. “So, anyway, I’ve been doing all of these things to quiet my mind when I’m losing composure or can’t rest, etcetera.”
“Is it working?” she asked.
“It is. I’m not becoming a yoga-teaching hippie or anything, but the meditation really calms me, and I’ve been sleeping a lot better. The next step was for me to start trying to connect more, particularly with women.”
“Ok…” she sounded confused.
“Look, I go out with the wrong kind of girls, that’s no secret. But the reason is so that I don’t have to open up. I don’t have to have a meaningful relationship. I don’t have to let my guard down, and I don’t have to be myself. Well, as it turns out, that’s not appropriate or healthy.” I rolled my eyes. “Dr. Rosen wanted me to try going on actual dates with girls who I would consider to fall in the category of someone I’d see more than once. He wanted me to limit myself to no sex, just talking and connecting.” I muttered quietly.
Letting out a big laugh, she said, “No sex? You? How did that go for you?” She was giggling at my expense. Fucking helpful.
“Shut up. I’m trying to open up to you,” I snapped at her. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to talk about all of this, Savannah? Any clue?”
She immediately stopped. “I’m so sorry, Seth. Please, keep going.” She took a sip of her drink and went back to listening.
“So, I met this girl. She was Matt and Isabel’s realtor. You know they’re buying that run-down gym downtown.” She nodded. “Well, she’s fucking beautiful, Savannah. Like goddess beautiful. And fucking smart. She started her own business, and she’s one of the top realtors in the county. Her picture is everywhere. Buses, billboards, you name it, and her fucking beautiful face is on it.”
“Vivian Deveraux?!” she exclaimed.
“Yeah, do you know her?” Just what I needed.
“I don’t know her, but she sold my neighbors’ their house. They raved about her. What a small world,” she said.
“Yeah, she’s amazing. We’ve been out a couple times, and I’m fucking hooked on her. She’s like a little ray of sunshine. I think about her all the time. I think about ways to make her smile at me. I’m a ridiculous mess. We have so much fun together; we laugh and tease each other, and she is fucking smoking hot. She is the whole package.”
“So, how does she feel about you?”
“I have no idea. I texted her today, but she hasn’t replied. I think she’s not speaking to me after last night. Maybe she needs to cool off?” I said hopefully.
“Maybe you should man up and do more than send a text. You are a pussy,” she said matter-of-factly, causing my jaw to drop in shock.
“Whoa! Did you seriously just call me a pussy? My sister, Savannah Jackson Walsh, you kiss your kids with that filthy mouth?” I teased her, using both her maiden and married last names.
“Oh, piss off, Seth. You know I’m right. Your fucking generation with your texting and shit; it’s ridiculous. You do remember that little computer in your pocket makes phone calls, right? When you hurt someone’s feelings, you call them. Or better yet, you show up to make it right.”
“You’re not that much older than me, Savannah.”
“You’re missing the point as usual, Seth. Listen with your ears.” She talked to me like she talks to my nephew.
“Ok, ok. You’re right. What do I do? I want her back. I want to tell her everything. I want to be honest, but I’m so fucking scared,” I pleaded for answers.
“If you love her, which you do—don’t even bother denying it, or we wouldn’t be having this conversation—you need to take that risk. You need to do what the doctor told you to do, which is open your fucking self-up to it. You want to feel real love, Seth? The kind of love where even after a long fucking day working in construction you send your wife out with her brother because you love her and he needs her? The kind of love where on a Sunday when you try to sleep in but your kids decide that they want to have brunch with their parents, you get up and cook for everyone and steal kisses from your husband in the pantry? Yeah, that’s right. We do whatever it takes to stay connected, and it’s not always easy. It’s work. But it’s worth it. You have to have faith that when you open your heart to someone and they receive your love that they’re giving you theirs as well. That girl opened up to you. She showed you her weakness, the chink in her armor, and you didn’t do the right thing. So you need to remember that when you talk to her. She. Opened. Up. To. You. Now, it is your turn to come clean. Show her the man you are, and the man you aspire to be. We’re all works in progress,
Seth. All of us. Man the fuck up.”
She sat back and watched me absorb everything she said. She was so fucking right. She was right about everything; Viv did open up to me, and when she did, I shut down.
“I don’t deserve her,” I said.
“Yes, you do. That’s a cop out. You do deserve her. You just haven’t realized how special you are too, Seth. Mom and Dad would be lost without you, I’d be devastated, hell, my kids would be devastated. You are loved so much more than you even realize. You deserve the love we’re talking about; real, deep, true love.”
I felt a smile form as I thought about love. I used to think it was all bullshit, but it was just me hiding from it. My sister was right. “Thank you,” I said quietly.
“So, what are you going to do about it?” she asked me.
“Well, she hasn’t returned my message, so I’m going to try calling her when we’re done, I guess. And if I don’t hear from her, then I guess I’ll have to track her down. She isn’t that hard to find. Her face is everywhere,” I joked.
“It sure is,” she laughed. “She is a pretty one. You have some high-end taste, little brother.” She was teasing me, and it was like old times. Savannah was only two years older than me; in fact, she graduated from high school with Brian. We were always pretty close, but we definitely gave each other a lot of razzing and shit.
I laughed at that comment. “You would love her, Savannah. She’s feisty as hell.”
“I have no doubt that anyone who spends anything more than five minutes with you would need to be feisty. You need someone who’ll put you in your place, you know, for when I’m not around to do it.” She grinned at me from across the table.
“Thank you for meeting me tonight. I know it’s a pain in the ass. I mean it. I promise to come see the kids soon, or you should bring them down to the station. They haven’t come to see the trucks in forever. The guys love it when they come down to see us.”
“It’s not a big deal. I was just making a point, is all. I’m always here for you. Next time call me sooner, though. Not when everything’s fucking falling apart, for Christ’s sake.” She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. I was really lucky.
